The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Grr... I did it again. My man is all worn out and wants to go home and rest (watch tv) instead of going to the goth club tonight. And here I wanted to go out and meet people, go to a new place, and get some dancin' done.



On one hand, I was just writing about how I need to stop doing so much and just learn to do nothing. I really do need to learn to not be running on full steam, past the godforsaken empty all of the time...



On the other, I really need to excercise a little more - and aside from hiking up mountain paths, dancing is my next favorite excercise.



Funny thing is... Lately the "if you can't beat 'em join em" principal has taken an unshakable, obtenibrous physical form. This man is the ONLY one I've ever dated that I can lay down next to and actually start to feel tired.



Now I'M too tired to go out again, whats THAT all about?



*shakes head, & yawns*



OK, I will have a comprimise with myself.

I will sit and relax tonight, but darnit, I'm going swimming tomorrow before we leave....

The art of being a human BEING and not a human DOING. That's a tough one for me.



During the last two weeks of my leave of absence, I've been doing well, I think... in balancing housework, chores, life and living.



I've quit smoking... been on VR and the computer less overall, and generally been trying to just BE.



For the last 1/2 hour I was sitting at my bro's house in AZ, on his blue jean couch... thinking about... nothing.



Then it came to me. All of the different methods used by different religions and spiritual practices to get the human consiousness to let loose its grip and allow the inner self or the subconsious to creep forward, ever so slightly.... to let that inner guide take over.



Some use meditation, some use fasting, some use drugs... Whatever the tool, the technique and practice practically permeates ever cluster of mankind.



All roads lead to rome. All being, and nothing... leads to the inner self. So now that this thought is down, I'm logging back off...



...to just listen and be.

In Arizona now ...just visiting.



:)



My b/f pulled his magic again. Got us upgraded to first class.



Considering it was the very first time I have ever flown first class - documentation follows:



Well, it was certainly an experience. The seats are wider, but they aren’t so comfortable that they help my silly herniated disks hurt any less. I had an awesome dumpling dinner, and all the cabernet I could ask for, free. Too bad they were serving lasagna and merlot.



Hey, at least we didn’t have any screaming kids or people kicking our seats. That’s a bonus. The headphones are free, and they give you a good, long blanket and a pillow.

But the toilet seats are not any cleaner than the ones in coach. First class people still banter about meaningless horseshit. There’s no difference, except the standards are more strict. People look at you funny if you are seated in first class in a rotty old t-shirt, and dirty jeans… It’s a shame that wearing a business suit does not make someone into a nice person who won’t pee on the toilet seats!



I’m reminded of the time a fundamentalist substitute preacher visited a local church. He stood up at the podium in overalls. Took off his fly fishing boots and laid them right over the altar. People were aghast at this lack of respect! But respect for what? What is the symbolism? It’s a box. People try so hard to find some reason not to like each other. They set standards that others must follow in order to be allowed into their graces. It’s an excuse, nothing more. A way to make oneself appear or feel better by creating a “class bubble” that excludes others. All imaginary bullshit.



Someone once told me that “etiquette” is nothing more than the art of making OTHERS feel comfortable around YOU. Is it possible to make others feel comfortable around you, even if you refuse to wear their designated masks and garb?



Social experiment time!!!

This is the day that I've decided to stop talking...



Since I've quit smoking... I've had this terrible problem with my voice. Its like a 17 yo going through puberty all over again...



I used to be a singer with a perfect 4 octave voice. There was no song I could not sing. Be it Mariah Carey, Led Zepplin, Heavy Metal, or Opera. I could not sing off key, even a flat note... if I WANTED to. It was truly, scary.



And now I can't sing. I cant even hold "row, row row your boat."



The girl who once had to pause the music to make people believe that her voice was not a professional recording... cannot even sing the alphabet without the sesame street characters wincing in pain.



I am truly out of my element.



So in the interest of laringytus, and all of the advice I've ever been given by my previous vocal instructors... I've decided to take a celebate vow with my voice....



Wish me luck!

Here's the latest.



1. I feel really guilty about not calling and talking to my friends too much during this leave of absence. I've been really selfish with my time lately. Sorry about that, but I guess I'm having a necessary "shut others out and focus on me" period. I'll come around soon. Don't worry.



2. I'm amazed at how well the house is going. I'm so enamored with the progress, I didn't want to leave on Saturday, (and neither did the b/f or the car - the car broke down on the turnpike on the way back to philly.) I want to put in my 30 days notice now, and move there within the next three weeks. But I promised my b/f we'd wait until after we're back from Vegas & AZ.



3. I'm trying to catch up on laundry, cleaning, dishes, trash, vacumming and straigtening here... but I'm also trying to rest. I've noticed that neither of the two men who live with me do anything to help me out with the house, unless I specifically request them to do "blah". I'm kind of upset about having to manage the house, having to THINK and delegate, I was hoping to rest during these three weeks instead. But hey, at least they'll do stuff when I ask them to.... I guess I'm pretty lucky.



4. I'm still not smoking. But ever since quit day #4, I've been sounding like a broken-voiced 17 year old male going through puberty. I'm horse, I'm raspy, and I can't sing. When I try, there's no control whatsoever. I'm cracking all over the place... and not just minor flats... I'm talking random raspy seventh jumps! I'm scared. I hope I didn't do any permanent damage.... I hope my voice will come back soon. I'd like to be able to sing again someday. I still don't understand why my voice has problems AFTER I've quit. I'm tormented and confused.



5. Between installing a bathroom in the house, the car breaking down, towing and repair, and some excessive, and some double utility bills (for both the house and the apt) I'm really, really low on funds. I'm on a three week LOA, and not getting paid... but I'm not worried. I know we'll be OK.



6. My bilateral numbness is back with a vengence! Its horrible! I need to learn to not do much work with my hands in the "jerk-off" position. This includes, sweeping, mopping, shoveling, scraping up tile, etc. I am hurting myself, and it is scary. I wonder if there are any strengthening exercises I can do so that I will be able to do a normal amount of work without hurting myself? I plan to see the doctor as soon as I get back from AZ-VEGAS.



7. Tomorrow I head out to Arizona, then tag-along with my family over to Vegas to watch my brother get married, then back to AZ to visit family.... It will be FUN! YAY! I can't wait!

I've been developing a new life-theory. It seems that although essential manifestation occurs naturally... and of course with a positive attitude one can manifest more of their desires as opposed to just the basic needs (like concrete for $1 a bag, or a $4K house) it would seem that life has a pre-determined schedule for things to occur. When you try to fight this schedule, and try to get things done sooner... (like get ALL the concrete over to the new house because you think you will need it there NOW) it usually ends up costing you more money in the long run to try to make things happen then if you had let the opportunity manifest naturally.



I have found that if I wait, instead of throwing money around to create the opportunity (like renting a car) The opportunity - when it happens naturally - happens much more smoothly, and much more efficiently when you let the universe do what it does best. Another example.... Running out and buying a bathroom cabinet three days before installation because I wanted to get EVERYTHING that we'd need in one trip, and use my 10% coupon on the bulk of the expenses. If I had waited just ONE MORE DAY, all of the floor model cabinets at Lowe's were being ripped out, and we could have bought a $600 really NICE set for $100 (instead of a low-line new set for $130), and a new water heater at 1/2 price. DOH!



OK, I've learned my lesson. From now on, I will open my mind to sense what does not feel "natural" and let the universe --guide me.

Yes, incredibly, this is the 6th day in a row that I have not smoked.



On the fixxer-upper front, the area that will one day soon be our bedroom is completely gutted, cleaned (no nails, no trim, etc.) and almost completely bleached ceiling to floor. We have a working toilet, a working bathroom sink with hot and cold water, and a working Jacuzzi tub and shower with hot and cold water. The only problem is... the hot water is slightly off color. EEK~!



We think that the new lines installed against a three year abandoned main line from the street just need to flush for a few days... or perhaps the new water heater just needs to run for a bit.... so the probability of a jacuzzi bath before our departure, sadly, is slim to none.



This place is amazingly starting to come together. I mean, the rooms are still gutted, the bathroom is up (with blue tarp instead of walls because we will still have to pass plumbing and electrical inspections before we are allowed to drywall....) but OMG~ Its Actually Happening!



Next we will be clearing our three foot radius for termite inspectors... (But its warm out now, and we have not seen any new evidence anywhere... so we're going to call a company and say we THINK its already been exterminated, can they please check...) and we will be patching our roof, and replacing or rebracing every bad stud in this place.



Then we get to build a closet, and deal with upgrading electrical... from a fuse box system, to newfangled circutbreaker technology and upgraded wires...



I cannot believe how far we have come already! The stairs are almost completely rebuilt too! Holy god, this is amazing.



We are very close to being able to give our 30 days notice in Philly.



I'll keep ya'll posted....

What a productive day on the fixxer-upper house. We got water turned on, and plumbing installed... and even a female to female overflow guard... (sounds kinky, I know!) Whoever makes these little plumbing parts really, really needs to get laid. The other thing we installed today was a '7/8" female ball-cock THD.' Holy god! I can only imagine!



By the end of today, we managed to have cold water running to the bathroom sink and toilet. Tomorrow, we might just have our hot water heater installed; and on Friday.... we might even be able to take a SHOWER in our very own first home we ever bought!



WOOT!



In the meantime....



Oh my aching.... everything!



Ouwwiiieeee!

We went to Lowe's, used the 10% off coupon and saved about $175.



But for all that, we got a jacuzzi 22" deep whirlpool tub, a vanity sink, the vanity fixtures, tub and shower fixtures, drains, a 50 gallon water heater, connectors for the washer/dryer, materials to build two walls, the copper and PCV plumbing materials, the accessories, acoutraments, etc. and an outside light.



An entire new bathroom, complete with brand new water heater and even a jacuzzi tub plus all the accessories and necessities for $1600?! How awesome! We ROCK!



Wait a minute.....How is it that bathroom remodelling is said to cost over $10K? How is it that we are installing a complete brand new everything for under $2K?



Do I live in a different dimension as everyone else?



Yes, I do believe that concept has been mentioned once or twice before.....



THREE hours of wandering around on cement floors trying to agree with the b/f on what EXACT styles fixtures and accessories to get while still in nicotene withdrawls and in pain... it was quite a challenge.



But I still haven't had a cig. And I still haven't killed the b/f, even though he was being his usual, funny, slapstick, "can I shoot the drummer who follows him around and plays the rimshot please?" self.



I would have to say, that alll is well.

I'm still a little irritable, and I still tire easily... but all is... really, really well.

Yesterday I got the contest papers up on the judges page, and created a voting poll.



It was also my first day of not smoking, so I was in a considerable amount of pain, and really cranky.



Pity the B/f, man... Pity the b/f.



That is all.

I am beginning to learn the lesson of "Unpunished." (IE: No good deed goes...) I am beginning to learn selfishness, or more succuintly; the worth of the self.



I have realized that I have put far too much energy into others, thereby neglecting myself and my own needs.



I must refrain from doing this in the future...



So this little game that's going on (aka the absynthe of DA) I will just stay out of it. I have done more than enough and if I do any more, I am doing both the situation and myself a great injustice.



I listen to my spirit as I preach to others the very same ideals....



I must focus on ME.

Yesterday, I had this dream about work, about people not liking the idea of me having a leave of absence and the senior managers getting together to find a way to replace me while I'm out.



Then I had a brief interlude, followed up with a dream that I was in a space fighter, helping defend the planet from invaders.



We landed, and were doing a crawl through an old house, (it looked haunted) and again I was leading everyone through (my friends and family included) and trying to avoid and destroy the giant venomous spiders which had come to overthrow the earth.



In part of it, we were crawling through the dirt and concrete basement of the abode, as spiders were coming in down pipes, slides, from the open rafters above, and through the doors.



When I say GIANT spiders, I mean these things were 8 feet tall, and venomous.



Here is what I found in the dream dictionary to help me interpret:



Spiders

To see a spider in your dream, indicates that you are feeling like an outsider in some situation. Or that you may want to keep your distance and stay away from an alluring and tempting situation. The spider is also symbolic of feminine power and creativity. Alternatively, a spider may refer to a powerful force protecting you against your self-destructive behavior. If you kill a spider, it symbolizes misfortune and general bad luck. To see a spider spinning a web in your dream, signifies that you will be rewarded for your hard work. You will soon find yourself promoted in your job or recognized for your achievement in a difficult task. Spiders are a symbol of creativity due to the intricate webs they spin. On a negative note, spiders may indicate a feeling of being entangled or trapped in a sticky or clingy relationship. It represents some ensnaring and controlling force. You may feel that someone or some situation is sucking the life right out of you. To see a spider climbing up a wall in your dream, denotes that your desires will be soon be realized.



Basement

To dream that you are in a basement, symbolizes your unconscious mind and intuition. The appearance of the basement is an indication of your unconscious state of mind and level of satisfaction. To dream that the basement is in disarray and messy, signifies some confusion in which you need to sort out. It may also represent your perceived faults and shortcomings.



Work

To dream that you are at work, indicates that you are experiencing some anxiety about a current project or task. The dream may also be telling you that you need to "get back to work". Perhaps you have been slacking and need to pick up the pace. To dream that you are at your former or past work, suggests that there is an old lesson that you need to learn and apply to your current situation. To dream that you are hard at work, signifies success and merit. Alternatively, it may suggest anxieties about a current task or project. You may need to "get back to work" and stop procrastinating.



Venom

To come in contact with venom in your dream, represents pent-up anger and hostility you may be expressing or experiencing from others. Your feelings of hate are beginning to show through. The dream is also indicative of a lack of self-esteem, lack of self-love, or insecurities you have.



Fighting

To dream that you participate in a fight, indicates inner turmoil. Some aspect of yourself is in conflict with another aspect of yourself. Perhaps an unresolved or unacknowledged part is fighting for its right to be heard. It may also parallel a fight or struggle that you are going through in your waking life. To see others fighting in your dream, suggests that you are unwilling to acknowledge your own problems and turmoil. You are not taking any responsibility or initiative in trying to resolve issues in your waking life. To dream that you are fighting to the death, indicates that you are unwilling to acknowledge a waking conflict or your own inner turmoil. You are unwilling and refusing to change your old attitudes and habits.





Finally, I looked up the totem meanings for the SPIDER, and it basically says that the creativity in myself must be realized, cherished and developed... it must be worked with more, and things will come to fruition.



Also, I received a fortune cookie the other day that hints that my new way of life will soon be more creative and more centered around helping people.



I am thinking that it is time to seriously re-focus on my book. Perhaps the act of getting my book together will lead me to a new, more creative career where I am helping people more.

So, yah, I've been thinking of a career change for a while. Instinctively, I know that my next career will be more centered around helping people.



I'm not sure if it will have something to do with my book, or if I'm destined to start a career as a psychologist.



Only time will tell....

I added over 73 people to my favorite journals... Now I think I'll have to remove some to make way for people that post more regularly.



If you're removed, please don't be offended. I still want to read what you wrote... I think you're brilliant, but you haven't posted lately.



Message me when you add something and I will come and read it.

So yeah, I finished what turned out to be another 30+ hour work marathon, and I'm beginning to realize that AS soon as possible, we need to move to the pitts house, and I need to find another job.



There are no two ways about it. If I was supposed to be off until Monday, and I still had to work, they will keep abusing me as such. I must decide to call it quits. I hate being a quitter. (Another excuse for still being a smoker.)



Blah, blah... whatever.



Yah, part of my time spent on this leave of absence thingy (If I ACTUALLY get to take it) will be used for looking for another job.



...and that's all I gotta say 'bout 'dat.

OK, I was supposed to be OFF until Monday!



"OFF" does not mean "work for over 12 hours because there's an emergency that only *I* can solve. "



GRRR...



I swear. I'm getting my latest timesheets signed, and then I'm telling them I'm in hospital; unreachable. (*You know I'm bluffing, don't you? But I really oughtta!*)



Postal... Postal, anyone?



Grrr!



SUXville.

I've been working this absolutely horrible job for the last two years... 24x7 support, barely three hours sleep a night, and my health has suffered greatly. (ie. Chronic brochitis, bilateral numbness and severe stress related stuffs.)



I have some news:

TODAY I have finally convinced them that I require a Leave of Absence. I get three weeks to REST and RECOVER starting next Wednesday. WOOT!



I plan on taking this time to sleep more, stay under care of vitamin C, eucalyptus, ecchinaecha and goldenseal, and steamy environments. My second priority after health is working on the fixxer-upper house, and finishing my book.



I'd say wish me luck that my job is still there for me when I get back... but I honestly believe that whatever way it works out; I know it will be good.



So, send me good thoughts of recovery, health and happiness, OK?

***Email sent BY ME over to the client***



K. -

I just got off the phone with S., the Sr. manager in NYC. He will be taking over for me.



I will be providing status of our three critical issues to him and taking until Monday off to rest.



I will be returning to the office Monday Tuesday and Wednesday of next week (April 10th, 11th and 12th) to transfer knowledge, and then will be taking a much needed leave of absence. I will return after my brother's wedding on May 4th.



Thank you very much,



-Rebekah



*************************************************

(HIGH PRIORITY RESPONSE SENT FROM K. within one minute of receipt of my letter)



What is status of your batch job testing?



Where is the current error file?



*************************************************



OOh, I can just FEEL the love...



*waits for next semi-truck to barrel down the street*

Well, this could explain why I can't stop smoking or chewing my tongue into minced meat..

Ive been hating my job so much lately....

So much that I've been having thoughts of getting hit by a truck or writing in and telling them that I've had a heart attack and won't be there for at least three weeks.



I've been begging for a leave of absence, but things are just so hectic right now they can't let me go.





I've been sleeping and throwing up all day, just woke up at 8:00 PM, checked the damage on email. The client is complaining to NYC... etc.



Figures.



So I have another message from my department head in NYC to call him as soon as possible...



I hopped on the OL' IM, let him know I was online, and he thinks perhaps I should take a couple of days off. I said I agree. He said he has a fever and will talk to me tomorrow about it.



The guy I'm training (to hopefully be my replacement one day soon) is also sick.



Everyone around me is sick, and I'm having a smegging breakdown.



Fan-fracking-tastic.

OK, this is really weird....



When I pull headaches out of people I normally use only my third eye....



Well, this time I was focusing on each of my chakra's individually, waiting until I could see their "Wave of color" and then moving down to the next one. This took about 15 minutes.



Then I did something I would like to name "bridging LAN connections" where I created a "Bridge" between each of them, and then suddenly I was able to feel the energy waving throughout my whole body.



WHAT THE HUH?



Waves! of Energy!



So, now its been like that for about 15 minutes, I feel like I need to drink TONS of water. I feel like I need a cigarette, (But I haven't had one in 10 hours so I'm trying to hold off)



Now after 20 minutes of these waves, the back of my arms, the sides of my legs and my upper back and now my buttox are beginning to ache.



WT? I'm confused!



I know that My third eye chakra when I'm healing people can cause headaches, but this new dull aching radiating down the arms and legs and into the butt is new.



I can hope that due to the insatiable water urges I am having and this intense energy I am feeling now; that the discomfort in my extremeties (the dull aching which is now in my lower back too) is only my energy pushing the years of toxins out of my body.



Remember, I haven't had anything alcohol for a week, and I haven't had a cigarrette in over 10 hours.



I think I need to find an expert on VR who can give me Chakra feedback...

My first day in my new coven, and I am abliss with new information. I am burning and teaming at the seams, boiling over with knowledge! I almost can't step away because there is so much more knowledge out there and I don't want to miss a single bit of it!



But I know, I must rest & process, so I'm logging of to write my day's summary in my little black book that rests under my pillow.



I am sure my dreams will be very vivid tonight.....

There is a single word that has been reverberating through my mind, my dreams, my days, my nights, and my weeks as of late. That word is: Discipline.



I have never had the privelege of being one of these people who are the slightest bit disciplined. Forget working out, meditation, self study, writing music and "extra work." I practice daily hygene.... and that's about it. Try as I might, the best I can do on a daily basis... are the basic needs and habits.



**********



I know that to get where I want to be in life, to market and promote my book, to become an independent contractor, to write music and to get out there and make a living singing, writing, coding and doing what I want..... this will take discipline. Incredible discipline. AMAZING DISCIPLINE. Something that sadly, I have none of whatsoever.



A monk I met once, told me the following:



"The act of Killing corrodes compassion.

Gambling corrodes truthfulness

Sexual infidelity corrodes cleanliness

Toxicity corrodes discipline."



I can assume that because alcoholism runs in my family, that I must have a pre-disposed natural lack of discipline.



So how do I fix it?



Well, for starters, I haven't had a sip of alcohol since Monday. Not because I feel its corrupting me or anything; I just felt that this was a time to refocus, and I felt I should abstain for a while. Call it a fasting/meditation period for someone who doesn't know how to meditate.



I don't know how long I plan to abstain, and I probably won't "abstain" in the "never drink again" sense of the word, but I do know aspartame (diet soda) and cigarrettes are on my radar for the next items on the list of toxins I want to reduce in my body.



I don't know where exactly this will lead, but I believe I have taken a first step towards discovering the greatness in me.

I feel myself nearing an apex of great spiritual change. I feel an impending collision with a viewpoint that will alter my reality. I'm not quite sure yet, what, who, how, etc. I just know that some things are approaching that will shake my belief in what I know of the world around me.



In this time of impending doom or enlightenment, I felt the need to move to a place that seems to promise to give me the feedback I will require to make this journey.



Although I have many great friends where I was, I feel it would be unfair in their current startup status for me to continue, or to further request the amount of attention I will need. So, I have requested to be transferred to a place of greater numbers, greater activity, and the place where my love, Ogunshi, and my two best friends Kit and Kane reside.



I brace myself for my future, not quite sure yet - of the direction in which I am heading....