A Suicide.23:31 Feb 26 2007
Times Read: 651
So what's been happening with me lately?
Well, my friend and roommate committed suicide. He didn't just shoot himself, he didn't just shoot his brains out, he blew his head off with a double barrel shotgun; a sawed off rancher special.
No one saw it coming.
Suckage.
It's been a little over a week now, and I'm still dealing with things. Dealing with the family, Ogunshi and I organized and dealt with the wake, and now I'm just trying to deal with myself.
You see, it's as if someone just shook my world, and everything that had taken years to sink to the bottom of my lake just resurfaced - all at once. I have anger issues. I have guilt, and I realize that I am a complete fucking moron idiot who allows myself to be taken advantage of.
The room-mate left us $4800. Yes, almost five thousand dollars. We told the police about it, the police told the parents, and the parents wanted it - even though it was left in an envelope adressed in his handwriting to our house. It was meant to fix up our house.
For those of you who are not aware, we are still living illegally without occupancy permit in a house that we are fixing up; a house with no heat, and open walls, and needs replacement of: "YES."
The first thing the parents did - each of them, was ask for the money. Now at the time, I suppose I was in my bargaining phase, I wanted nothing more than to give the money back to him in any way I could. I guess for some silly reason I had hopes that he might return. Silly me, I know. The father called and asked me to send him the money, I had an uneasy feeling and asked if he was handling the arrangements. He said "yes." he was handling everything. The mother called later that day. She said she wanted the money and that SHE was handling the arrangements.
I gave them all but what we would need to hold a wake for Jim here. Not only did I pull down my pants and bend over for them, I greased up my own hole with vaseline. I am a fucking doormat.
I am angry at Jim for doing this, yet for the first few days I could do nothing but make tasteless puns about it. Some of them were unintentional even! Person A: "Are you ok?" Me: "Well, that's a loaded question!" Person A: "I have a question" Me: "OK, Shoot!", You know, this will really "blow your mind", etc. Even some that are just awful! Q: What has more brains than Jim? A: Jim's hotel room wall!
Throughout my whole life I have always found myself taking care of two boys. Taking care of my two brothers, my ex and his brother, my ex and his friend, my b/f and his friend, and finally, my b/f and Jim. I am always in the situation where I am the sole breadwinner, and there are two men depending on me as if I am their mother. Screwed up, I know, but try to understand that has always been my life.
So I find myself in the position of being the mother yet again, and wondering WHY I didn't see any of the typical signs, WHY after all the heart to hearts Jim and I have had, he felt that he could not open up to me, WHY my "child" decided to commit suicide. WHY was one of my "boys" dead. I will always wonder if there is anything I could have said or done to make a difference.
Ah, the guilt. We found out that he was screwing us over, (AKA: deliberately not working and messing things up on the house so we would have to stay in the basement longer and he didn't have to pay rent.) He told us as much, we thought he was kidding, and then he had long rants with his friends about what he was deliberately doing, and why he was angry that we started hiring more people to help because it meant that his "cushy situation" would end sooner.
Also, I saw that he was squandering this "freedom." He had not worked for over 8 months and was living with us rent free. The deal was he was supposed to be working on the house at least 15 hours a week. --and he didn't. OK, I already talked about his deliberate admitted attempts at screwing things up, but that's besides the point. If I didn't have to work for three months even, do you have any idea what I'd be doing with myself? I'd be out hiking, musicing, catching lectures, etc. I was so jealous of his freedom, and angry that he did not take advantage of this incredible opportunity!
Finally, I saw that he wanted to do less and less with his life, Give a man an inch, he'll take a mile. (Cause only a man could think that one inch equals one mile.) Not only did he not want to work on the house, he wanted us to stay in the basement as long as possible, he admitted several times that he was lazy and wanted to do nothing, I saw that he was beginning to spiral downward, I saw that this situation was beginning to be unhealthy for him, and so we kicked him out. This is a 29 year old man who has never lived outside of his parents house, and obviously didn't know what to do with himself. We sent him packing back to live with his mother.
The day he took his own life was the day that he was supposed to be leaving our house. He packed up all of his things in his car, drove to a crappy hotel room, and removed his own head via shotgun blow.
The note he left said, "Rena is the reason" Rena is a girl he had a crush on who already had a boyfriend. After all of this, Rena? Rena is the reason? Does anyone buy that?? There is never one reason. We know through all of this he still loved us. I tried to make him understand that the reason we asked him to leave was because we felt that the situation was not fair or healthy for him. As if to prove that he was ok with this, he didn't bloody up our house, and he left us money so that we could finally get it done. (Even though I'm an asshole and gave it all away, back to his sister because she promised it would be used for "funeral expenses".)
Rena is the reason. Indeed. Does anyone really know why he fucking turned himself into a statistical cliche? Can anyone ever know why? Is there ever just one reason? No. All we can do is suspect, and try not to beat ourselves up.
And now I'm left with all of this cruddy debris (anger, guilt, worry, anxiety, PTSD, nightmares, stress, obsession over events preceeding, etc. kicking myself for giving away the money that was supposed to fix our house.) I'm left with all of this new stuff - added to of all of this old crap floating on top of my lake.
Suckage.
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