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Well, I had an EMG today... it was not pretty.



The root of my bilateral u/e parasthesis is, in fact, bilateral carpal tunnel syndrome.



Oooh, goodie! Lets add that to my two herniated disks and my two bad knees.



Perhaps the very root of my rage is that I feel useless and disabled.



I don't deal very well with limitations.



Grr.

I'm no longer the cute little pookahchu who would no longer hurt a fly... I cannot control it any longer. I've just decided to embrace my anger and go with it. Turns out that deep inside I'm a mean, angry, "Rabid Cabbit "who is looking for a fight; looking for anyone to BITE!



Did I ever tell you that I actually BIT someone in the 5th grade? Kicked a teacher in the balls? and also threw a sub up against a wall? I was sent to a special school for the "socially and emotionally disturbed" and nearly put on Lithium.



It would seem that since I've quit smoking, that rabid, ugly girl is back again. She's out, and she's out of control. I wonder who will be the first person I knock out? Who will be the first person I slam my car into? Who will be the first person I kill? Wouldn't it feel so good, after 23 years of supressing that little 5th grade hellian; all this time of being such a sweet, innocent, nice girl - to let the BITCH have a month's worth of fun?



Perhaps I *DO* have a supressed personality.



Uh Oh... Here she comes again....

Marillion - Freaks

(Derek Dick, Mark Kelly, Steve Rothery, Peter Trewavas, Ian Mosley)



Have you ever met a lady, screaming angst potential?

Have you ever dreamed of romance, no matter how experimental?

Have you ever felt an alien drifting back into your hometown?

Did you think you were buying safety when you bought that piece of ground?

She said all the best freaks are here

She said all the best freaks are here, please stop staring at me

So I said all the best freaks are here

All the best freaks are here, please stop staring at me

Have you ever woke up, sweating in the middle of the night?

You search the darkness and you're scrambling for the light

Have you ever walked down the street, heard bootsteps following you?

Don't worry my son, you've got the spook squad looking after you

He said all the best freaks are here

He said all the best freaks are here, please stop staring at me

So I said all the best freaks are here

All the best freaks are here, please stop staring at me, stop staring at me

Airport terminal, patiently waiting on the last call

You feel the eyes burn the back of your head

Sign the autograph, get out of the picture, gonna have the last laugh

Feel the whispers as you head for the plane

Stop staring at me

Love and linen sheets seem so very far away

You save your pennies and you buy another day

But after all it's only hide and seek, just another game

There's so much fun to be had when you're living with a name

All the best freaks are here, all the best freaks are here

Please stop staring at me, all the best freaks are here

All the best freaks are here, please stop staring at me

Oh, stop staring at me, oh, stop staring at me

They said all the best freaks are here

All the best freaks are here, please stop staring at me

All the best freaks are here

All the best freaks are here, please stop staring at me

WTF?

For the first 20 days I'm not smoking, I'm suicidal, for the next 30 or more I'm homicidal!?!



WHAT THE HELL is going on here!?!?

I think the basic seed of a lot of my troubles, is that the more I work on myself and the more neurosis I strip away guess what? Hey! Look at that! The seed of anger that I discovered at the age of 14 is STILL there! (After ALL this time?) WOW! (*Tries to chuck it in the bin, but it obtains magnetic properties and keeps buring its way into my heart*) Grr!



WT... huh?

"Cynicism is just an ugly word for pattern recognition"



I LOVE that quote, even tho its WRONG, I think the original uses Pessimism instead of Cynicism.



IN any case....

I have no idea what is wrong with me lately; no matter how many layers of crap I strip away in my mind, I only come closer and closer to discovering a long buried embryo; an ugly seed of rage.



I am chronically feeling like i want to hurt people and small animals. I've never been like this before; I've never felt like this before and it scares me.



Could it be just the stress of the job, the possibility that it will be over soon, the move, the stress and worry that the house may never be finished, and we'll never get it up to code, the 40 days of not smoking, the healing.... the possibility that I will be dealing with pain and numbness every day for the rest of my life? The state of the house, Feeling underappreciated? Buried things that I don't want to say to those that are close to me?



Who is it exactly that I really hate?



I feel really sorry for everyone in my life right now... Everyone who has to experience my stone cold silence, my tendency to snap at them and say things I don't mean, the glares that not so subtely cover bubbling bouts of rage. Even Xanax doesn't help. -Course I took all of ONE pill so far, and this Xanax is left over and expired from 2001..... lol!



Any suggestions?

Ten days have passed since my last VR journal entry, and in that time I've done some amazing work. I've been laying off the VR for a while... taking more responsiblilty for my LIFE, making my environment what I want it to be, and spending the extra time on ME. Its been a real whirlwind of an experience.



We are all at our own levels in life, each going through our own stages, each working on (or working on avoiding) whatever are our current interests... and right now my current activities seem to include cleaning more, excercising more, getting involved, doing more... reading up on local politics, spending more time in self-care and self-study, etc.



I've quit smoking for 30 days so far... and I can see that this is only the beginning of some great changes. As a matter of fact, I just developed a new philosophy in my life that promises to eliminate virtually all of my hidden and buried resentment... it even looks promising that I might not create any more at all! I've done a lot of thinking, study and work, (mostly philosopical based) and there is a lot more to come.



I am proud of what I have achieved in just a couple of weeks thus far.... I've not been smoking, I've gone to the gym, I've written quite a few pages of deep thought... I've re-tested and re-opened my eyes and thoughts and looked at my life all over again with new ideas and new eyes. In a nutshell, I have recentered. Morphed into my next stage... and I am doing some great work in becoming the woman I've always aspired to be!



In keeping with my latest trends, I shall log off now, and get back to my life. Take care everyone! Peace, out...

Ciao!

I experienced three weeks of complete freedom. Freedom in the rarest sense where one is blessed with the availability of both time AND money. And now here I am, tossed back into the throes of the dreariest doldrums where over half my waking hours are again spent tracking down invisible prey, shooting at moving targets; wasted in a futile effort to fulfill others' needs.



I come home battered, angry, stressed, weary and worn. Submerged in physical pain from my feet to my fingertips, and mental anguish from my heart to my crown. I attempt to return to my old friend, liquid pain killer, but alas... my tolerance is greatly decreased. I find that what was once barely a day's supply of the potence, now lasts over three days.



I am confused. I still question everything and therefore, I wonder why I am seemingly willing to spend the other half of my waking hours staring at the back of my eyelids - dreaming of freedom, than numbing the pain, keeping myself consious, and working to find a way out.



It amazes me how three weeks of freedom have changed me so.



If the path to complete and permanent freedom before me were already clear, I would be less than worried. But alas, it is not. Am I resting to gather my strength so that my wings will grow perfectly - just biding my time and waiting for the opportunity to use them; or am I shutting myself in my cage, in solitude, out of depression, waiting for the master to open the locks and return me to my bondage at the start of each new day?



I only wish I knew.



I must trust that my inner spirit knows what it is doing at this point in my life. I move to pitts in just over a month. Perhaps it IS time to rest and gather strength. I can only hope. Perhaps my inner guide is wiser than I credit it to be.



The answer remains to be seen.

I'm back at work... today was my first day back, and with the non-smoking thing, it was exceptionally difficult. By the end of this Saturday, I will officially be off of cigs for three weeks.



I almost had three panic attacks at work today, which explains why I was in such a state before my three week LOA. After three weeks away and achieving a state of Semi-calm; experiencing the amount of stress involved in my job again was a complete shock to my system. One that almost warrants considering a prodigal return to Xanax. In other news, It would seem that I CANNOT walk and chew gun at the same time. I accidentally bit THROUGH my cheek today, which brings the number of nervous related semi-serious oral injuries produced in the last week up to three.



I told work that I will be moving to pitts soon. I will give them the official date in two weeks. But for now, they say I must be in the office every day. However, I DID manage to arange for them to let me have one day working at home for "Doctor's appointments." I will be giving my 30 days notice to my landlord with my next rent check. The official PITTS move date is June 17th.



I still have the numbness in my hands, but my bronchitis is MUCH, MUCH better! I am still using my aspirators... and now that I am not smoking they seem to be helping a LOT!



Lately I am haunted and plagued by dreams where I am helping wayward teenagers and homeless people. In this latest dream, I was not allowed to take in any clients from PA, so I opened up a center in Philly to help Jersey people, and I opened up a center in Pitts to help people in Ohio.



Not sure if my one day a week will be used for doctor's appts, for rest, or for further exploration of careers surrounding what I now see as my "calling." Perhaps if I can remain focused enough I will be able to work on all three... but for now, health comes first... then calm... then calling.



Bonzai!