The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

new meanings
02:00 Jul 29 2009
Times Read: 572

This year's Washington Post's ‘Mensa Invitational’ which once again

asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by

adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new

definition.



1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.



2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.



3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until



you realize it was your money to start with.



4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.



5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops



bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer,



unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down



in the near future.



6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose



of getting laid.



7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high



8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and



the person who doesn't get it.



9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.



10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)



11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these



really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth



explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.



12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day



consuming only things that are good for you.



13. Glibido : All talk and no action.



14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when



they come at you rapidly.



15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after



you've accidentally walked through a spider web.



16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into



your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot



be cast out..



17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in



the fruit you're eating.





The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its

yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate

meanings for common words. And the winners are:







1. Coffee , n. The person upon whom one coughs.



2. Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.



3. Abdicate , v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.



4. Esplanade , v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.



5. Willy-nilly , adj. Impotent.



6. Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing



only a nightgown.



7. Lymph , v. To walk with a lisp.



8. Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.



9. Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has



been run over by a steamroller.



10. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.



11. Testicle , n. A humorous question on an exam.



12. Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.



13. Pokemon , n.. A Rastafarian proctologist.



14. Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.



15. Frisbeetarianism , n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies



up onto the roof and gets stuck there.



16. Circumvent , n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Subject: Dinner with a Gorgeous Redhead ( I am a red head so nah)
01:57 Jul 29 2009
Times Read: 573






A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead

sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat

down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.



Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket

toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air,

and hands it back.



'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place...



'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.



They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the

theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her

deepest dreams and he shares his.. She listens.



After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to

her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.



The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The

guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said,

'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'



'No,' she replies. . .













Wait for it.



It's coming. .















The suspense is killing you, isn't it?













She says:

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

a reading from rogue my bestest bud
10:11 Jul 23 2009
Times Read: 583

The Archangel Oracle











For: Tara

Date: 16/07/09

Question: Help with Jason











1.This card shows the origin of the current situation.



Your card is: 14. Compassion



Archangel Zadkiel: “Soften your heart with respect to this situation, and all the people involved, including yourself”



Additional Message: “I can help you forgive yourself and others, or to compassionately see everyone’s point of view. You needn’t change your stance or behaviour. It simply means approaching the situation with a loving heart, which empowers you and allows creative solutions to pour forth”



Working with Archangel Zadkiel: Zadkiel’s name means “Righteousness of God” and he helps us release unforgiven feelings toward ourselves and others. Ask him to come into your dreams and act like a chimney sweep, clearing away any emotional toxins from your heart. He’ll ensure that everyone’s needs are met, and that emotional healing will occur in miraculous ways.



2.This card describes the truth of the current situation.



Your card is: 28. Nurture



Archangel Gabriel: “As you nurture a child, you nurture your own inner child. Both activities are important for you right now.”



Additional Message: “One reason why it’s important to help children is because you’re also helping your own inner child in the process. You’re teaching what you need to learn, so pay particular attention to the messages you deliver to children and their parents. Know that those messages are for you as well. Take time to play, laugh, and to be silly and carefree. Nurture your inner child with as much love and attention as possible.”



Working with Archangel Gabriel: Gabriel works with mothers and children during all phases of conception, childbirth, adoption, and parenting. She helps grown-up children as well. If you heart longs for some play time, call upon Gabriel to make all of the arrangements. She’ll guide you along as you nurture your inner child. If you ask her, Gabriel will also assist with your own parenting desires and needs.



3.This card shows the resolution or out comes if your thoughts or beliefs stay unchanged (outcomes often can be altered with a change of thought.



Your card is: 44. You Are Safe



Archangel Michael: “I’m protecting you against lower energies and guarding you, your loved ones, and home.”



Additional Message: “Let go of worries, as I’m surrounding you, your loved ones, home and possessions with powerful loving light. This light repels lower energies, and attracts loving experiences. Focus on this light and love – instead of on fear - as you’ll attract the object of your focus. With your mind free of fear, you have additional time and energy to devote to your life’s missions. You are free when you are fearless. Know that you are safe at all times, and that my protection is flawless.”



Working with Archangel Michael: Michael’s chief role is to escort away the lower energies of fear. If you become worried or anxious, mentally ask Michael to bring you peace. You can also ask tat he clear your home, office, vehicle, or community of toxic energies. After you call upon Michael, you’ll likely notice a warm feeling. That’s because he has a fiery warrior spirit. You can ask Michael to stay with you continuously, as he’s able to be with everyone who calls upon him simultaneously.

Kids Are Quick
02:02 Jul 22 2009
Times Read: 588




____________________________________



TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.

____________________________________



TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________



TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it..



(I Love this kid)

____________________________________________



TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________



TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

__________________________________________



TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

_______________________________________



TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '

MILLIE: I is..

TEACH ER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

________________________________



TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.

Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand....

______________________________________



TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

______________________________



TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

___________________________________



TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher