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Concert, Missing cars, and Friends who are leaving
08:10 Feb 29 2008
Times Read: 586

The concert tonight, was so amazing I felt alittle better, but it was so great. I got to see some of the most amazing singing take place tonight. I spent it with my best friend Maily, Missy, Jerrad, and his friend Jeremy. I felt like there was just so much energy coming off the crowd that you could actually feel the presence of God. I was just so pumped. I believe tomorrow I will have no voice, but I don't care. XD Matty, Maily's boyfriend didn't sit with us and he got floor seats. LUCKY!



He got there so early he was at the front of the line anyways, and Maily and I guilt tripped him like crazy because he shoved stuff in our face. But, even though Matty had better seats, we had more fun that him! XD



After the concert we met up with Matty, and the friends he came with. Only problem is that they didn't want to leave, Which is not good for Missy and I because we both really hate crowds. I know mine is for the fact that there are germs, and WAY TOO many of them! So, Matty took off for with us, because the other guys wanted to go all the way up to the north side of town, I live on the south side. x.x



We went off to IHOP, were it took forever to get a table, and then food. Also drinks were hard to come by, everyone was there. So, we all sat there and chatted. When we were ready to go, Missy started to cry. You see, she is leaving to go to Arkansas on Sunday. It's a trip that she will be taking alone, and then not only that. She is also leaving everything she knows.



We took Matty to the place were his car was supposed to be. Then I took off to drop Maily off. Matty calls saying he can't find his car, I go back for him only to find his car was a block over than he originally thought. silly boy.



So, that has been my night. Concert, Missing cars, and friends who are leaving.

Sick, medicated, and exhaustion
04:24 Feb 28 2008
Times Read: 596




I am running on a low tank, wait scratch that, more than empty tank. I have been sick for the past week, and I am still fighting it. I feel like I'm breathing through a rock and the medication can only do so much. I can't eat really, because I can't taste anything. So much for nasal spray.



The medication is keeping me as comfortable as I can be while having my problem. I am praying that this will be over by next week, I don't want to keep going through this. It makes me feel all weak and I hate it. So, anyways...besides the point of me being ill and fighting to stay awake around my busy schedule....



I am finding it increasingly difficult to keep my cool, infact so much so that I have to vent out in my journal to keep myself from throwing things at people. If you read on, it will be filled with harsh comments directed at one to many people.



Okay, I have been working my ass off to get pictures. I feel like shizniz, and one of the guys I massage has been bugging me. I want to throw something at him. I want to yell at him "I FEEL LIKE SHIZNIZ, AND I DO NOT FEEL LIKE MASSAGING YOUR SHOULDERS!"



I am half out of my mind crazy, with the fact that I keep calling someone that won't answer because his EX-girlfriend is talking to him. Okay, I can understand you love her, but she LEFT you. I have no sympathy for her, or for you right now. Because you are allowing yourself to be yo-yoed. Hell, you won't even talk to me anymore, I have been thrown out of your life like old dirty socks, and frankly it pisses me off. When you're done being a dumb ass and a jerk you can call me to tell me what the hell is going on.



Then let us not forget my illness that is making me want to murder everyone in front of me. I am going to bed though, so wish others tomorrow luck, because they'll need it if they want any sparing of sympathy from me.

OKay
17:27 Feb 26 2008
Times Read: 603

I am full out sick, I mean the runny nose, watery eyes, fatigue from hell, and the want to curl in a ball to sleep. Yeah, I've got all of that. I feel like my body is hanging by a thread for energy. What's the down side? I won't be getting any rest. I have to finish my classes for the day, get my photos loaded for my boss, and then tonight I have a performance to attend.



Why does it suck? I won't be able to do much about it because there is no other photographers at my job. It sucks like majorly. I am not feeling all that great about it either. I have maybe two other people to count on and I doubt either would be able to cover the performance tonight. x.x



Then we have the lovely, getting up tomorrow even earlier than the day before so I can attend Higher Education day. No, I'm not excited about it, infact I am quiet the opposite. I have to be at school by 9am so I am not driving down town by myself. YAY for alarms and their ripping me from dreamland. So, exciting. That evening will be even better with a movie I actually want to see for free. Woot woot. That is where my week gets alittle better.



Thursday entails my classes again, getting my speech outline done and running off to WinterJam. Which is a Christian concert, and yes there is good music and yes I have lots of people going with me. It should be great. Hopefully, HOPEFULLY I am not so exhausted that I collapse on the floor. Friday is where I come down and actually get to catch my breath.



What is the point of this blog? To see if I can actually do it all. I'm such a busy woman. Can someone just make more hours in the day for me?

And so...
18:19 Feb 25 2008
Times Read: 608

The dreams keep on coming and they are just strange. I don't even want to share the last one, way too personal. But, none the less emotionally draining. I did some looking into some of the problems I have been having lately. I have been having nightmares, sudden fatigue, headaches, and just feeling like my energy has been zapped.



I don't rule out me being sick, but I believe I have been getting physically attacked. I have been feeling this way for the past month, but I just felt it the most this past week. I am not a high energy person, infact I barely have enough to get me through the day. I do not share! It's not good for someone to pull on me, I need everything I have. x.x



Also, one thing that is making wonder is, who is it? Who would want to draw energy from me anyways? I am a healer, so my energy level is slightly higher than a normal human, but I need my energy for helping others. x.x



But oh well. I will try to shield myself and hopefully after cleaning out my room, blessing it, and then praying I hope to see improvements.

PRIVATE ENTRY
22:25 Feb 24 2008
Times Read: 617


• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •

Please..
19:28 Feb 22 2008
Times Read: 623

I need to figure out a way to make it to where I do not keep waking up at night. It is getting to be too much. I miss sleeping like a rock when I was a kid. Why can't it be like that? I hate being tired all the time, and some of it has to do with my weight, but also alot of it has to do with the fact that I just have to figure out how to get to bed before 11pm. x.x



I MISS SLEEPING WITHOUT WAKING UP!

Oh...
16:04 Feb 20 2008
Times Read: 635

Oh the success in not sleeping in and gaining nothing at all. I feel like a grump, I went to bed too late and got up way too early. I feel like I'm only going to get through this day out of sheer will and caffeine. There is supposed to be a total lunar eclipse tonight, but I don't think I'll see it. The sky is completely blotted out with thick gray clouds. The only plus is, it isn't cold and I can actually stand walking through the parking lot without feeling like I'm going to have my face ripped off by the wind.



I just feel so incredibly sleepy and I can hardly sleep at night. For the last two nights it has felt like people are having conversations with me when I close my eyes. I hate it, and I can't sleep with the being that much noisier. But I think it is just a lot of internal noise. I guess my brain wants to say a lot to me and I only listen when I have nothing else to focus on. Go figure. x.x



I have major changes coming up and I feel like running for the hills. Being a cancer, (my zodiac sign) I am heavily connected to my home and I have made this home mine. I feel as if I will not have a permanent home without my parents, and that is going to be rough for me. I know it'll make me extremely moody. So, such is the tidal wave of emotion after emotion. I feel so utterly exhausted from mentally to physically. I need a vacation. x.x

Push the Pedal down, and DRIVE!
00:32 Feb 20 2008
Times Read: 639

What exactly am I meaning for this? I know that alot of people as Christians want to bring about change, they say alot but don't do enough. I watch as good Christian people capable of making a positive change in someone elses life throw up their hands and exclaim, "I simply cannot do it!"



I have news for you, if it was easy to change someone for the better than there would be so many more Christians in the world. When you all called Christ into your lives and nothing happened let me tell you what exactly happened, You didn't change at all because you weren't sincere enough. Then when you try to help someone else, yeah it's like the blind leading the blind. It simply cannot be done.



For those that are capable, why does it not happen? One it happens to be pure lack of commitment and plain laziness. Second it has to do with resources, God uses people that have margin in their lives. Alot of us do have Margin, but either choose to use it for other things or we choose to leave it alone. I can see why most people don't take our word for it. How can someone that doesn't believe, take a Christian at their word, when they can't even come through? Simply put, they can't, won't and refuse to.



In Samuel 1 we see examples of change "Then the Spirit of the LORD will come upon you mightily, and you shall prophesy with them and be changed into another man." I believe that we need that very same spirit to help change those around us. But, who will take up the torch? Who will start the ball rolling? We do so much talking, so little doing, how do you think it reflects on how the Lord wants to go about things?



We are God's children, brothers and sisters in Christ, if we stopped for a moment and thought about those that do not have the same benefits as us we would be able to do a whole lot more. Instead we are busy looking at each other, making divisions among churchs because "believing in that way is wrong" Or even "you're not living the right path." One thing that you need to remember is that God deals with people in his own way and own time. It isn't up to you if they believe wrong or right, live wrong or right. It is up to HE who is our LORD to tell them if they are right and wrong.



In Exodus 6:6 The Lord says this ""Say, therefore, to the sons of Israel, ' I am the LORD, and I will bring you out from under the burdens of the Egyptians, and I will deliver you from their bondage I will also redeem you with an outstretched arm and with great judgments."



The Lord is the perfect Judge, and when we have those that oppress us he will render his perfect judgment on them. Who are we to judge our fellow Christians? Who are we to tell them that God does not walk with them? The Lord walks with everyone, and he changes those that listen. He will give you everything needed to change someone for the better, if you only listen, use the margin wisely and give thanks to the Lord for putting you here.



So, what is my point? You've got the Car, the Time, the Money, and the Resources, PUT THE PETAL DOWN AND DRIVE! GET IT?!

Opinions
20:58 Feb 13 2008
Times Read: 656

The greatest thing that people just need to learn that even if your friend loves you and cares about you. Your opinion on their relationship with any other person will not hold any standing. The hardest part to learn is that no matter what you cannot, and will not be able to get what you feel is right for them to do. The questions are, How do you know that it's right for them? Then to turn around and say that they can't come to you when they have a problem. You might as well end the friendship anyways. It isn't fair to them, that you should have such sound "judgments" that you believe that what you say or do is right. Fine, if you want to believe that way but for me personally keep your opinion to yourself when it concerns someone else in my life. I will ask for it if, I want it.



I don't need to explain myself to anyone, but my boyfriend, family, God, and Best friends. Who are you to tell me that I am doing something wrong? What have you done to make yourself the beacon of right? My feelings, thoughts, and opinions hold as much standing as you when it comes to someone else's relationship. If you don't like it, then that is your problem, not mine. You can forget me trying not to step on your toes, I'm done being someone that is looking to be told things sweetly. This world is not sweet, I am not make of sweetness. This world is bitter, and I will surely be made the same by the end of my lifetime. Don't think that I'm all bitter.



So, here you go...take it or leave it. I can say that I will try my best not to lie and I will speak how I feel when I feel that way. If you don't like it, then that is YOUR problem.

I feel sick..
22:05 Feb 11 2008
Times Read: 664

I watched the documentary or movie called "Vampyre" which is on youtube if you wanna see it. There is alot of things that I was enlightened by while watching it. I can honestly say some of it disgusted me. I felt extremely ill, because of the fact that there was somethings I did not know. I have always romanticized the vampire or vampyre as they refer themselves to. I find that mirror of what I thought they were shattered before me. It rattled me to the bones and I feel like my insides just churned over.



I wanted to walk amongst the crowd just to talk and understand these vampyres more. There is so many more questions that the journalist didn't ask, maybe out of respect or maybe out of self appointed ignorance. I felt compelled to learn more than what he was giving me. Vampyres it seems are a group of individuals brought together with like mindedness. I get that, it's been something I got before I understood it.



Vampyres are predators, okay I got that too. Some take in energy, some drink blood, alright I get that too. They don't walk out in the open and push their ideas on others, they are picky. I expected that. It just seems like the only thing this movie gave me was some rituals that I had not invisioned. Personally, the rituals reminded me of some of the things you see in a satanic place. I expected it, but it still shocked me.



I feel as if the very thing that I had been holding up to make vampyres these great wonderful creatures has been taken from me. Not they aren't wonderful people, I just feel like my thoughts need to be re-arranged. I don't feel good, I feel like all my energy has been sapped. I'm going to bed. ;.;

Attraction
19:55 Feb 06 2008
Times Read: 678

Things that attracted me to you:

The way you smiled

How you laughed

The twinkle in your eye

The way you held my hand

How you talked to me

Held me and lifted me up

You bore my dreams and I fell in love

You took my heart when I asked you too

You have it still hanging by a string

You wouldn't let me run

You taught me to be cautious with my words

You taught me the truth

You became my world.



How things are now:

I still love you

I still want you

I still am attracted to you in every way

You still have a way of teaching me new things

Yet, my dreams I find in shards

My heart feels like dust

My words growing cold

Your actions telling me differently

Your support, has faded

Your words more pain than promise

You carry all the decisions we should of made together with you, and you make them without me.



What will happen to us?

Do you love me anymore?

Was I just something to possess like a possession?

Do I have any value?

Are we breaking up?

>.<
17:39 Feb 05 2008
Times Read: 682

I don't understand how being spoiled has anything to do with the fact that I want an answer to a question. I am tired of games, I am about to be done with it all. Would you call me crazy if I decided to run a relationship into the ground after almost 3 years? What does it matter with time anyways?



If he wants to make up and talk to me, he better have some gawd forsaken reason to make me so upset. Right now I wish that I didn't have to put up with his crap.

Off
19:31 Feb 04 2008
Times Read: 685

I have been feeling off for the last week or so...I don't know why. I feel so tired anymore, and no it's not pregnancy. THANK YOU! XD



I just feel weak and very sleepy. I believe it's do to the fact that I have a job and school. I need a day of just relaxing, having too many people around me at once is making me go crazy. I can only stand so much social interaction before I start wanting to punch people in the face.



I miss my days in my room alone, and just with a book. Jeeze, how I miss the alone time. I think I feel so off, because I haven't had time to recharge. I am an introvert after call. o.o;

v.v
05:45 Feb 03 2008
Times Read: 690

This is all I have to say...



I miss him



I miss Him



I MISS HIM!



It hurts being so close, yet so far away. I hate that I can't see him when I want and I have this burning feeling to always want to be by his side. I feel so crappy and lonely. ;.;

Nightmare
03:39 Feb 02 2008
Times Read: 695

I haven't had a nightmare since I was 2 or 3 years old and it was when my grandfather passed on. I had a dream that he was dancing in the flames and I remember trying to save him but being 2 or 3 my strengths were very much limited. This did not improve with the fact that my parents had not told me that my grandfather had passed until after the fact. I'm a third generation psychic and I was showing signs very early on.



So, anyways, back to my nightmare of late. I have had crazy dreams, ones that are sad and even ones that made me angry. Yet, when it comes to scary my subconious tends to stick to what I can handle. So anyways, all I can remember is this. I am traveling with one of my friends to another part of the country. I enter a home with a towel or blanket and something is not right about the blanket. Like there is some sort of demon that has possessed it.



Why anything would possess a blanket is beyond me. So anyways, the demon is set free and if you touch or become attached to the demon it can control you. He changes into the form of this woman's son, but I can see that it isn't her real son. I keep screaming at her that it isn't her son, but she goes up to the demon hugs him and gets marked by it. The demon controls her, and I shudder trying to get her back into human form.



I am screaming out to God to help me, and I can feel his presence. I can feel God right next to me as this demon vouches to take over my soul. I can feel it rip at me and wish to control me. But, it could not control me fully. I woke up this morning feeling as if my chest was going to overflow with these emotions. I felt so confused and I didn't know exactly what to do. All I knew is that I had a nightmare and it was one that felt more real than anything else.