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Aaliyah,

First off i just want to say im sorry, Things between me and your dad didnt work out, alot of it was his fault, but i admit i played my part too, now im starting to see that, Though i do not want him back, it would be wrong for me to blame it all on him, You'll never have that perfect family with a mother and a father like you should, It hurts, if only i could have been a better person, Im finally starting to see whats so wrong with me, why no one can put up with me and why i was the one worth leaving, You could call it selfishness, and i just want to say from the bottom of my heart im am so very sorry. The older you get, i hope you dont take out our mistakes on other people, but isntead blame me, I love you with all my heart, i have that unconditional mothers love, Dont hurt others for Mine and your fathers actions. Im here for you through thick and thin, this i can promise you, No matter what

Love Always,

Mommy.

Your my favorite Kind of Thunderstorm



I wish the words you say

That strike like lightning would give me

one

two

three

four

five

Seconds to decide whether or not

I want to hear them



But then you give me

one

two

three

Seconds to realize what you've said

and with an apology

you'll kiss away the raindrops

that made themselves at home

on my face.



Twirling me around in your arms

You say that as the wind you made

blows through my hair,

I'm more beautiful than the silence

after the rain.



The power's out, but your arms are warm.

You're my favorite kind of Thunder Storm.

August 14th.



well, today has been a pretty shitty day, This is going to be my new diary, ill write as much as possible, and kind of try to let it out as much as i can, no one understands me, i try and try and try, its like theres something in my head that wont let me speak what i really feel, ive tried so hard ive finally found someone i love So much i want him to know everything about me, i feel like him trapt i cant make the words come out, its like i have that lump in my throat stopping me from saying what i feel, i dont know if i want to cry or scream, ill let it show through anger, crying shows weakness, and i cant ever let them see me cry, maybe its all in my head, maybe ive just convinced myself if i tell him he'll run like everyone else, maybe thats for the best, i want to make it work, if he asked id say forever here, now, thats not going to happen ,im not capeable of being loved like that, i keep hearing 'Time, just give it time' ive herd those words before, i dont have time, im running out of time, im running out of tears, im running out of lies, i cant hide behind my fake smile forever, however im trying as hard as i can, but i can feel it comming to the top, im about to break, Aaliyah will keep me sane, which means where ever i go, she'll go with me, she wont let me hurt myself, or anyone else, i dont know where we'll go i dont know what we'll do, but were going and soon, ill start saving up money as soon as i can get a job, im trying to get a night shift job, which im sure wont help the situation, that means ill stay up all day with aaliyah, and then work all night and manage to keep my brother straight, and attempt to keep my mother happy, if thats possible, which leaves time for no sleep, i want to go away, i want to go far away, and start over, know no one, and dont get to know no one, that brings attachment, and nothing good ever comes out of attachment, at least as far as ive learned, the headaches are back, they were going away for a little while, but here lately im suprised i havent OD'd on excedrine if thats at all possible, My skin stays cold, as does my heart, my eyes stay blue most of the time,ive fucked up one too many times, and i know its out to get me, Im not sure yet, and im trying not to stress myself out about it, but i just may be pregnant again, and if so, its with my loves child, that means i have to get shit together, and do it quick, i wont do it like this, i wont do this to him, i know he loves me, and i know he would love the child , but i will not abort, and with this fucking curse i have, there's no getting away from it, ill write out a statement saying who aaliyah goes to if anything should happen to me during child birth, a part of me says he'll leave if he knows that im with child, thats why i wont tell him, i cant take that rejection, he says he wont, but thats what everyone else said too. Everyone says they'll never leave, and they always do, my father, would never leave me, suprise suprise he did, my brother would always have my back , he left me. my step dad, FUCKED ME OVER, i made him leave, and in a way he did leave me, he left me mentally scared and fucked up for life, Bobby, my first true love 'Would never leave me, or aaliyah' he has left aaliyah, he doesnt even call anymore, and he did leave me, he left me with a broken heart im still trying to mend its funny how someone can 'Love you so much' and then throw you into a brick wall, or drag you around by your hair through the house, laughing when you try to fight back...and ohhh murph, he was a sly little bastard, he loved me, and aaliyah he'd never leave us, He left out of the blue, he left me, and he left my daughter, he left me with this fucking curse that guarentee's me a fucked up life, if not death. i've found love, the greatest one of my entire life, i love him, i love everything he does, the way he moves, the way he looks at me with that hunger in his eyes, the way he kisses me when im on the verge of sleep, the way i dream about him but he doesnt know, the way i feel in his arms, i feel small, but for the first time in my life thats not a bad thing, i feel helpless, and i love it, and why? Because for the first time in my life, with a male figure, i feel safe, he's my escape, and just like everything else i fucked that up, I cheated on him like the sorry selfish bitch i am, maybe i was just scared, scared that something GOOD was actually happening to me, and it couldnt be so i had to fix it, nothing good happens to me, therefor in my eyes there was something wrong, i fixed it alright, he'll never trust me, he says he will but i know better, how could he ever? Im nothing, he'll find much better, shes out there i know she is and I hate her with everything i have, i hope he cant look at her like he looked at me, or hold her like he held me, kiss her like we kissed, play with her hair, and watch her when he thinks she isnt looking, thats what he does with me, i want him, forever and always, and even after, but we dont always get what we want now do we? Im so selfish, and i know it, thats why ill take it all away, all the hurt and the pain that i bring, the tears and the heartaches that i cause, when i go, i hope it all goes with me, if i could id take all his pain away, and id wear it on my shoulders forever, just so he wouldnt have to hurt, we've both been through so much, but id take what he's had and what ive had, just so he could live happily, i hope aaliyah never knows how broken i am, i hope she never suffers the way i do each and everyday, i hope she grows into a beautiful young woman, with my eyes and my smile, but as a person i hope she's so much different, I hope she finds love, and its forever, i want her to fall so fast and hard and have that forever and ever, i want forever, i want to be loved, thats all ive ever wanted, Just love me, make me whole, help me pick up the peices, Unbreak this hole i call my heart, I fake it so real i am beyond fake, Hold me, tell me you love me, tell me you'll be there forever, and mean it! i need that reassurance, ill do better, let me do better, i will iswear, make the hurting stop, help me get out of the rain, and get things straight , i dont know what to do anymore, i really really dont, i cant breathe, i cant fucking breathe, its comming...

this happens ever single time, i fall too fast, How can you tell me you love me, and then talk down on me to another female? It really hurts me, i feel like my heart has been ripped from my body, and shredded into a million peices, I have that all too familiar feeling of tears running down my face again...its the start of a brokenheart that takes far too long to heal, Sometimes i wish that i could just run away, far far away, and to think i was stupid enough to think i had found him, my anti drug, the one that made the bad times much better, last night he even asked me 'Please dont leave me' Just for me to find out some shit like this, God it hurts so much, take it away, take me away please...i love him so much, he could bring me to my knee's in a heartbeat, though he didnt know it...ive asked him on plenty of times does he feel different about me and each and everytime he says no, he still feels the same, that he's in love with me, that he loves me, Last night he said always...Those words warmed my heart made it feel like it was almost whole again, but everything happens for a reason, it was just building me back up for today, when it would be ripped apart. i should have known this would happen, Every person who wasnt supposed to let me down always had. ALWAYS. You are right, i really am not ment to be happy, i should have never let him in, Lies, all lies, every last bit of it.







take me away.

Please.