I'm planning on writing 3 journal entries sometime today,something a little ddifferent for a change instead of all the moody depressing bullshit I've been writing.
well just added more gasoline to the fire in which I am standing. Anna-Leea Reddoch, I ask god why? why her? why did I have to fall in love with a woman I can't be with or have,a woman who could never love me like I love her and would never want to be with me,and why in the hell did my heart latch on to her? I ask god this every day but get no answers, I love and care about her like crazy,I would do anything for her. Bu t alas I must destroy the last good thing in my life and move the fuck on.
I am living in trying and troubling times,my depression is at an all time high and my physical health is deterioratiing slowy.it has only been three months since his death but I miss my Uncle Jimmy very badly,I'm 28 years old and he was a big part of my life for 13 years of it,but for the other 15 years of it we lost contact with each other,and I blame myself for not calling him and writing him more,I know that he understood why we lost contact and that he didn't get mad at me for it but in my mind I'm a big disappointment and failure. now on to another subject: Anna-Leea Lynette Reddoch/Rider, When I first saw her I couldn't catch my breathe,my heart skipped a beat,I had butterflies in my stomach,my blood pulsed through my veins and made my skin feel on fire,I felt like I had died and gone to heaven.And I always and only felt those feelings around her,I have never felt that way about a woman before and probably never will again,to me she was the most beautiful girl at school,no one else compared. I met Anna-Leea when I was 15 years old,I was starting my freshmen year at Palestine highschool,she was one year older that me and one grade above me. I never really knew her,I mean I talked to her a couple of times,ate lunch with her a few times,and went to church with her and her then boyfriend Seth five different times.When I met her I was at a very dark place in my life,I had just lost my Grandparents in a fire and I was smoking a lot of Marijuana to alleviate the pain,then I moved from Houston Texas to Palestine Texas to live with my mom and I fell in with the wrong people,I started drinking alcohol very heavily and snorting cocaine,I stopped going to church and I stopped talking to her.I have made every excuse to why I broke up our small friendship,the real reason was that I didn't want to hurt her,I was becoming increasingly attracted to her and I fear being seen as a weirdo and a freak so I stayed away from her as much as I could but for some damn reason my heart latched on to her. After highschool I moved to Florida and I thought about Anna-Leea every day ,I always wondered what she was doing,and my feelings for her grew stronger. I moved back to Palestine Texas in November of 2009,one day I was making a Myspace page and I came across her profile,all at once all those emotions and feelings came rushing back so I messaged her,and this was my first time ever telling a woman how I felt about her,I messed up and failed miserably. She basically told me she had a boyfriend and she skipped over the whole thing of me having feelings for her completely,I felt hurt,rejected,and betrayed because I poured out my heart and soul to her,told her things that I will never tell anyone else. My pride and emotions got the best of me and I said and did things I regret,things I deserve jail time for,things that bordered along the lines of internet harassment and stalking. I wish I could change what I did and make up for it but I can't. I love Anna-Leea,always have and alway will,I would never hurt her and I would damn sure die for her.there is no other woman I want to be with or spend my life with,I'll die single. No matter what I wish her the best and my heart is always with her.