This month marks almost a year since my nephew Kennard Harris past away, he died on March 4th 2020, if he had lived he'd be 15 years old going on 16, I miss him so much and there isn't a day that I don't burst into tears. And the pain and anguish of him not being here has taken a toll on me and my emotional and mental state. Before he died he had three wishes, his first wish was that he wanted to meet WWE Wrestler John Cena, his second wish was that he wanted to eat at subway because he had never eaten there, his third wish was that he wanted the ps4 game "A Way Out". And I failed to make any of that happen before he died. I have failed at every aspect in life including love. I feel like I'm 9 years old again and I'm back in the trailer park I was born and raised in ,and I'm back in a small shed in the back of the trailer park with the jump rope around my neck again, hanging there until an old black man finds me. That was my first suicide attempt, I was 9 years old and I went to this run down metal shed at the back of the trailer park and I took my jump rope and I hung myself from a board in the shed ceiling. And as I hung there flailing about an old black man who knew my grandpa just happened to be walking around the trailers looking for cans.If he hadn't been walking by I wouldn't be here. The pain and torment just never goes away, my mind and my other personalities won't let me forget. Good night VR, I don't have anything left to say and I doubt y'all want to read this. This will be my last post for this month and for the foreseeable moment, I do not know when or if I'll ever post on here again.
First and formost, To BloodRoseX: I'm glad you got a good laugh from my last post,sorry about your comment getting deleted, I was editing some grammar mistakes in my post and my phone started acting up, I'm surprised I didn't delete the post its self, but once again sorry. I myself got a little kick out of writing that post, after all I've been through and seen in life so far,people still surprise me. For example, I'm on numerous dating websites and other forms of dating websites and you wouldn't believe some of the messages I've received on them. Most of the women are eager just to go to bed with me on a few of the sites I'm on, and don't get me wrong some of the women were very beautiful but I'm not all about sex. I don't want a one night stand or a friend's with benefits relationship, I want a long serious relationship based on trust and honesty, sex can come later. If a relationship is solely based on sex it's most likely to fail and that's not what I want. I'm trying move forward with my life and start dating again, of course there's that one woman I have in my heart and soul, she'll always have the keys to my heart, but she doesn't want me and she's happy with who she's with and all I want is for her to be happy,I'll always love her above anything else and I'd kill for her, but now I've got to focus on my happiness and find the right woman for me.
What is wrong with people now days, maybe it's just me because I have an old-fashioned mentality but some of the emails I receive is crazy. I get numerous emails from women on Instagram and I've blocked probably close to and over 1000 women on there so far and it's not that I'm too picky and too choosy, it's just that I have certain standards and I won't compromise them for anyone. Here is an example of one of the women I recently blocked. The woman messaged me and told me she was 32 years old, living in Florida with three kids and that she was married but she was looking for a new and better husband. First off she was married and gave the guy three kids, what the fuck was she thinking messaging another guy and saying she's looking for a new and better husband. I'm not that type of guy, I don't wreck marriages or homes. Second example, I was talking with a lady and we were having a good conversation until she just out of the blue said she wanted me to be her sugar baby and she was going to spoil me with her money, it was tempting but once again I'm not that type of guy, I'm not broke by any means,I'm not a dead beat,I've been taking care of myself since I was 15 years old and I get $794 a month, I don't need a woman to take care of me financially. Maybe it's just me that's gone crazy instead of the world. Have a great day VR.
I'm going under and this time I fear there's no one to save me, This all or nothing really got way of driving me crazy. I need somebody to heal, somebody to know, somebody to have, somebody to hold. It's easy to say but it's never the same, I guess I kinda liked the way you numbed all the pain. Now the day bleeds into nightfall, and your not hear to get me through it all, I let my guard down and then you pulled the rug, I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved! I'm going under and this time I fear there's no one to turn to, This all or nothing way of loving got me sleeping without you. I need somebody to know, somebody to heal, somebody to have, just to know how it feels. It's easy to say but it's never the same, I guess I kinda liked the way you helped me escape. Now the day bleeds into nightfall, and your not here to get me through it all, I let my guard down and then you pulled the rug, I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved! And I tend to close my eyes when it hurts sometimes, I fall into your arms, I'll be safe in your sound 'til I come back around. For now the day bleeds into nightfall, and your not here to get me through it all, I let my guard down and then you pulled the rug, I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved!
Sorry for not updating my journal, I've been busy and had a lot on my mind. My mom is out of the hospital and doing good. It wasn't her heart or mechanical valve like they thought it was, it has something to do with her esophagus and something else making her food back up into her chest. I'm truly glad that it wasn't her heart. Thank you XbluesandX for your comment on my last post and I hope your mother is doing well after getting her heart catheter. Anyway, I hope everyone on VR is having a great Monday.
It seems like when things start to go good it turns to shit real quick. My mom is in the hospital, they think the heart valve in her chest is clogged up, she goes into surgery tomorrow. Right now I'm just trying to keep my composure and keep my mind from slipping. This makes the second time she's been in the hospital for her heart, the first time she went to the hospital for her heart was 6 years ago,she died twice and they had to bring her back. They put a mechanical valve in her chest and right now they think it's clogged up. I hope she comes out of surgery alright, I'm just an emotional mess at the moment.
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