To those of you who messaged me and I don't know if you read my journal but if you do I just want to say thank you for all of the happy birthdays. I hope y'all had a great Thanksgiving , I had a decent Thanksgiving and birthday surrounded by family and a few friends. I was open with all of them about my suicidal moment on November 23rd,as I said if I hadn't been listening to music I probably wouldn't be here,it calmed me down and I told myself that I'll just go to sleep and if I still feel the same way in the morning then I'll kill myself. I woke up and I forced myself out of bed and I forced myself to cook for my birthday and for Thanksgiving, and the rest is history. Now I want to address a small matter, someone on VR blocked me, and I don't know if they read my journal but if they do I'd just like to say that I don't know you and I can't remember your profile name because your just that insignificant to my life, I don't give you one thought and the only reason I rated your profile a 10 was just being nice, if I'm correct you sent me a weird message and I called you a weirdo because I didn't know who you were and I don't know to many people on VR, but if you have a problem with me then tell me. Anywho, have a good night VR.
Happy Thanksgiving VR! It's been a rough three days, I'm sick and hurting all over, I've been up for two days straight with no sleep, on the 23rd I hit my lowest low and was contemplating suicide. I started feeling my age and I started thinking about my dead uncle and nephew and how I've been single and alone for 15 years and how everyone around me is married and has kids and I have no one. I cried for three hours straight thinking about everything and the only thing that saved me was that I was listening to music and for those three hours I cried and sang wordlessly along with the music, then I went to bed and got up at 6:00 and I haven't slept since then.
With Thanksgiving looming around the corner I just want to wish everyone on VR a early Happy Thanksgiving! I hope everyone has a happy and beautiful Thanksgiving and I hope everyone stays safe during the holidays.
As I said in another journal entry I'll be having my Birthday a day early on the 24th instead of on the 25th which is my actual birthday. The reason why is because I want to have a traditional Thanksgiving. For thanksgiving I'll be cooking barbecue chicken, spiral ham, mashed potatoes,baked beans, green bean casserole, chicken gravy, macaroni and cheese casserole, stuffing, and corn bread. I cook everything myself and I take pride in my cooking, one thing I love cooking every Thanksgiving and Christmas is homemade peanut butter pecan pie, I'll be making two this Thanksgiving.
Nine more days until my 32nd birthday, which is also Thanksgiving.for my birthday I'm having two huge pizza's, barbecue chicken wings,French fries,homemade German chocolate cake, and a carrot cake for my step dad who turned 68 on November 2nd. I'll be making both cakes from scratch, the wings and fries I got from krogers and the pizza I bought at papa Murphy's, follow all of that up with two pints of ice cream and sodas and that's the jist of my birthday party.
I guess that I've had relationship problems for as long as I have dated, me and Lilyanna never really had problems, her cousin and my best friend Angel Rodriguez introduced us and was shocked how well we got along. In my lifetime I've been in a total of ten relationships, some good and some not so good. Only one of my relationships ended because I caught the girl cheating on me with a friend of both of us, I whipped the shit out of the guy with my belt and whipped my girlfriend's ass with the same belt, they moved away and got married, I wished them both well and they were shocked by that. I guess I wasn't affectionate enough or I didn't open up enough in some of my relationships, I'm a private man and there are some things I can't and won't talk about. I don't like talking about this but I'll write it here in this journal entry. My relationship problems started when I was ten years old,when I was ten a male PE coach molested me,I couldn't tell anyone because I was ashamed of what happened. I just recently told my mom about the incident. I saw the son of a bitch a few years ago, I tried to kill him but a damn hobo jumped on my back trying to stop me, what that coach did effected me, I sometimes feel weird and inadequate when I'm with a lady, I don't have issues when it comes to fucking, I'm good in that department but sometimes I just feel out of place. And how did I hide what that coach did to me, by doing drugs,drinking alcohol, and smoking cigars. I don't drink to much anymore and I smoke weed here and there, but I still smoke cigars, cheroots and stogies too. I often wonder what Anna-Leea would think of my cigar habit, of course I smoke cigarettes too and every now and then I smoke from a pipe and use chewing tobacco. I think about Anna-Leea every waking day and I wish shit would have went differently but it is what it is but I'm far from done.
I'm a man of many convictions and problems,when I first came to Palestine Texas I was in a dark place in my life,by the age of thirteen I had a drug addiction and I started to drink heavily, I had been in two drive by shootings,one stabbing, and two murders. My best friend died in my arms, a casualty of gang warfare, I lost a girl who I was deeply involved with in a car crash,someone locked my grandparents in their house and burned it down with them in it. Plus I was living with my abusive Dad and I was at the beginning stages of major depression, ADHD type 2,and Bi-polar disorder. And this was all happening to me at the age of thirteen and I'm not saying I had it any harder than anyone else but it was rough. I was also running around with the two biggest drug dealers in my area Danny and Angelo Trevino, their cousin Angel died in my arms from six gun shots to his back by another gang member, and their cousin Lilyanna who I was dating died in a car crash in Mexico. I was deeply in love With Lilyanna, we were planning to get married after high school,we had it all planned out, I was gonna go to work at an Chinese restaurant while she went to college, my real job was going to be selling drugs for her cousins,they were both members of the tri-city bombers street gang and they had ties to the Mexican Mafia, plus their dad and uncle are members of one the drug cartels in Mexico. I was hanging with some dangerous people and doing bad things. And when I moved to Palestine my friend's introduced me to another drug dealer and I started working for him, I had just turned 15 and I was addicted to cocaine and marijuana and I was a budding alcoholic like my dad and his dad before him. I had just started high school and I didn't know anyone there since I was new to Palestine so on the first day of school before the bell rang for first period I decided to hide in between two bushes and read a book, I did it for to days and on the third day three girls who I'll call the Christian welcome comity came over and started chatting with me,they were pretty and nice, we chatted until the bell rang and they promised to come back and talk to me again if I was still in that spot the next day. The next day came and they came back over to chat with me again except this time there was nine of them instead of three and out of the nine there was one girl in particular who caught my eye. She had a light tan, long dark brown almost black hair with a hint of blond at the tip of her hair, beautiful brown eyes, She was the same height as me 5'4. Oh Marone, I thought I'd died and went to heaven, I had butterflies in my stomach and my blood was boiling, I couldn't keep my eyes off her, I had trouble concentrating on the other girls because of her, her voice was hypnotizing. Her name is Anna-Leea Lynette Reddoch/Rider, I couldn't breathe in her presence, I felt like I was floating above my body looking down on the scene. I starting eating lunch regularly with her and three other girls, one of the girls was named Bekah Gold and she introduced me to her older brother Mark Gold who was a senior and part of the football team, so I also started eating lunch with the senior football team. And I started to get to know Anna-Leea a little by little, I found out a lot of things about her that she doesn't know I know. I did my diligence on her because I wanted to know as much as I could about her because she peaked my interest at first and I was infatuated and drawn to her for certain reasons I'll mention later on in this journal entry. And I'll admit at the time I was shy and very withdrawn plus the drugs and alcohol along with my mental health made me paranoid and moody. I was getting into fights after school, I also fought at school but managed to never get caught by teachers, and I fought kids older and bigger than me, I've always looked like crap and unfrightening and people I've fought and beat up were shocked by my furiousness,Anger, and brute strength because at the time I was 215 Ilbs and I'm only 5'4 in height and didn't and still don't look like much. I'll give an example of one fight I got into in high school and it was over Anna-Leea, a few of the fights I got into were over her. Well, it was my ninth grade year and Anna-Leea was a sophomore and she supposedly had a reputation of being not just a good Christian girl but also had a reputation of being a party and bad girl. A sophomore boy was throwing a party and invited a lot of student's including Anna-Leea and me to his party. Word got back to me that he was planning on putting a rufy in Anna-Leea's drink and taking her for a test drive, I beat the immortal crap out of the guy, blacked his eye and broke his arm, he's lucky I didn't kill him. Another example, during Valentine's day people would come around to the class rooms selling roses and Valentine's cards and at the time I got a small allowance from my step dad each month and I spent my whole months allowance buying Anna-Leea a rose and card as a secret admirer and I was super happy that I could buy her those things but a boy about her age was claiming he bought her all the roses and cards, I don't think she believed him but I got hot and for the first time in my life I saw red so I followed him to the school restroom and beat the crap out of him. She doesn't know anything about those fights and I never told her about them. Eventually she asked me to go to church with her and her boyfriend, I think I went to church with her and her boyfriend Seth six times and at first I went only because of her and then I felt the spirit of God during the youth group service when Anna-Leea prayed for me to find my dad who was missing at the time, I remember we were kneeling in front of a small prayer bench or altar and she was praying for my dad's safe return and I felt a hand touch my shoulder but no one was behind me and a voice whispered into my ear that my dad was safe and that I would be reunited with him and I felt a strong presence around me and I knew it was God and I started crying, and I remember Anna-Leea grabbed my hand and when she did sparks went through my body and my blood started boiling and I turned and looked at her and realized she had just stole my heart and soul and I was her slave. I couldn't tell her how I felt because I was scared and afraid of the outcome,basically I was a chicken shit. And then my drug and alcohol problem along with my mental health problems and the bad people I was running with started weighting me down so I quit going to church with her and I broke off our friendship because I didn't want her finding out how I felt about her and all the bad shit I was into. And it hurt every time I saw her at school and I couldn't or didn't say hello or anything. I wanted to talk to her so bad and a crazy part of me wanted to walk up and grab her and kiss her but I was more afraid of her kneeing me in the crotch or her knocking me out. Every time I was near her a weird feeling came over me and my heart and soul screamed at me to go to her. I used to have dreams and some of them have actually happened, when I was 13 I had a dream that I met a group of girls and two years later it happened, Anna-Leea was one of the girls in my dream and when I saw her I knew I would end up a fool for her. I have been in numerous relationships in and out of high school but they never worked out. And I messed up things between me and her big time and I regret it everyday, she's all I want, I'm on so many dating websites but none of the women interest me because I'm stuck on her. I'm her fool and slave, I'd do anything she'd ask of me and I'd do anything for her, I'd go to prison and sit on death row for her, she's worth it,she's worth dying for. But I'm getting older and I've changed, my nephew's death really effected me, I feel my mortality, I'm at the age were I want to stop running and settle down and start a family. I'll always love and want Anna-Leea, her birthday is on the 20th of this month, five days before mine and I wish I could wish her a happy birthday but she hates my guts and won't talk to me but I'm gonna try until my last breathe because I'm that much a fool.
I've got 15 more days until my 32nd Birthday,my Birthday falls on Thanksgiving this year so I'm having my Birthday party on the 24th instead of the 25th. I can't believe I'll be 32 years old, I didn't expect to live this long. I'll be posting three more journal entries later today,just clearing out my head but one of them is going to be special to me because it entails a very special person who turns 33 years old 5 days before my birthday .
As I write this I have a good buzz going from some tullamore dew Irish whiskey. I hope everyone had a great Halloween,I had a semi-good one, I won't go into details because I don't want to sour my buzz, so happy Halloween VR and good night.
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