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Right now, I don't think that I am missing out on much, in my life. Yeah well, it would be nice to fall in love and get married, but, the Powers That Be have not revealed anyone worthy of me.

It is not as though I don't want to be attached and go steady with a cute dude, ya know. It's just that no dude has ever stayed put in my life.

They come and they go.

Get my drift?

Not bitter here.. Man, if there is one wish for my senior days, it would definitely be never to be bitter and vengeful, like some of the cronies and hags in my life, right now, desperately making up for their lost lives of youth.

Jealous, much?

Lol!

I'm definitely am becoming health conscious, keeping myself happy and satisfied, but sometimes reminiscing of good days and nights.

No regrets, people. I could have done better with regards to my grades back when I was in the education system... Other than that, I'm quite content.

I'm living my best life right now.

So all you haters can just kiss my ass.

It will be about a year or so since my last relapse, in December.

Awesome, eh.

Yeah well, I haven't been feeling suicidal lately, but my creativity level has spiked like fucking crazy. Guess it's an inborn coping mechanism or something.

I used to feel suicidal and tended to experience a relapse around this time of the year. Always sometime between late September and December.

I have no idea why, but fuck this shit, I have gone bonkers creatively and been spending my time either by just sitting at my altar, journaling, or outside, buying craft supplies.

I think it's normal to feel like ending one's life or fearing the future. Been there, done that.

Never lose hope. If I can survive this entire 2021 without a relapse, so can you.

Eat. Pray. Love.

Oh, and sleep.

And shopping.

Vampires are really disturbed creatures, ya know.

Hailing from a rather large family who could never fathom mental illness, I feel abused.

I am sick and tired of attempting to put on a phony happy face when all I have ever known is ABUSE.

Yeah, the whole Mental Health versus Mental Illness dichotomy and of course, the high-functioning diagnosis.

Bottom line is I AM VERY SICK.

Why can't people just get this shit.

I did it.

Out of crazy witchy impulse, I placed an order online for a cute little plastic skull, to put on display on my second altar.

The cute little plastic skull enjoyed all of 6-odd hours on my altar - which I thought was a privilege, tbh - before being stashed away in the cupboard.

Yes, carpe diem, as they say.

Because it made my roommates uncomfortable... Yeah well, what the fuck was I thinking, right? If some weird ass dude were to start hanging skeletons and Satanic symbols in an Anglican shelter, I'd freak out, too.

Yeah well, I am an open-minded being. Or so I'd like to think.

Really, I sometimes can be a roommate from hell, bless their kind souls.

I've seriously got to stop spending all my money on unnecessary things. I keep compromising on food; always preferring to buy stuff for my altar.

Got a huge amount of backlog rental fee to settle. I am useless, tbh. All I ever do is piss off people.

It's just that there is a war inside my head and a battle for my heart and soul.

I am shaken to my core.

Anyway, it's always been me against the world.

Guess I have to use whatever cash that will be coming in to make up for defaulting on rental.

I'm a fucking disaster.

I feel like starting a fight.

Dammit. It's a good night outside.

Such a waste that I'm not out there taunting shitheads.

I WILL FUCKING DO EVERYTHING EXCEPT HAVE SEX, YOU DEPRAVED BITCHES.

I just want free tattoos.

In my defence, I am poor.

Any good souls who's willing to make my trashy life all that much better?

Coming to think of it, I had unconsciously made several major sacrifices. For example, my non-existent social life, strong relationships, I have never had a Valentine's Day, and just missing out on life.

I can't help it if I am a nerd with no life of her own.

I am sick of dumbing things down for society.

Why do I always get beaten down?!

I am getting weird vibes from creepy people. It's like they are always silently screaming a "How do you know all these things?" at me, in my ears.

Well, humans, I went to school.

Duh.

I was always accused of showing off or putting on airs or creepily academically correct answers, growing up.

Yeah, I was from the hood.

And I survived through a Ride or Die attitude.

Yes, I have slipped several times... I just didn't understand why my classmates were so suspicious of me.

Now, in my career, my superiors are wondering how I passed all 3 mandatory modules - all in one take - for a security license.

Because, kids, I studied. I am educated. It's no mean feat to get to where I am right now in my life.

Just pay attention in school mutherfuckas and you'd pick up a skill or two.

I am so obsessed with the American Witch archetype that it has made me all that more ethical and responsible of a Traditional Pagan Witch.

Yes, we have charm, luck, and magickal presence that most beings enjoy taking advantage of our natural-born witch powers.

Let me tell you this : never walk around fire expecting not to sweat.

There was a reason why the Salem American Witches were ostracised and murdered with a little to almost no mercy at all by the Judges.

I have been indulging in my Magick Teas, in the meantime.

There is something about the American Witch archetype that has got me substantially hooked, irresistibly.

Lol!

VR, through the ages, has always been all that I have ever known.

It will always be held dear to my heart.

Blessed Be.

Man, what a weekend. Lunar eclipse, full moon, work, and of course lots of shopping. I have also - unprecedented in all of Time - been working on my Craft.

Lol!

This past week flew by, in a blink of an eye; so much so that I did not have the time to deal with meddlesome people, which left me with mostly Good Vibes and a better state of Mind.

The week wasn't so bad, really - it's just that I suffer from severe social anxiety... of being left behind by the status quo of society. I live in a city, for God's sakes. There is just no second chance in life... and to add salt to the wound, I am so fearful for the future, that it is affecting my mental health. Yes, i feel the anxiety and melancholy, for what could have been, arising from deep within me right now.

Not good.

I think it's time for some fresh spiritual and mental cleansing.

I just want to star and moon gaze with somebody tonight.

That is all.

Fuck my life.

This is all my fault.

I keep jumping the gun and am always the one initiating intimacy with a dude.

Why, Lord, why?

Reminds me of the song Born This Way by Lady Gaga. I have my hopes stacked one one man in the home that I am in. I don't know if he got the clues, but for months now I have been dropping hints. It is like all the other residents got that I had the hots for him, except him.

So yeah, me being a Water sign, Scorpio, the most intense sign in the zodiac, initiated an exchange of numbers.

Yeah well. I wasn't planning on it, just playing around with my hints. Who, me? Hell no.

But.

I did it.

Texts from his side dwindled down to absolutely just a "Hi" on my phone.

Maybe I just seem like a child to him. I mean, yeah we are all traumatised emotionally in one way or the other...

I think I should just go easy on him. Maybe he has other love interests.

Oh well.

Fuck my life.

Has anyone here tried friend for hire? Does it work?

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CowboyZombie
00:02 Nov 16 2021

I never heard of it. Sounds cool. I'm weird and odd, so I'll do some research. Maybe it will help me.

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I have been purchasing some new clothing for myself. I got 2 dresses which were going for less than fifteen dollars - because of a sale. Got some arm socks because my work does not really allow visible tattoos. 2 bodysuits, a pair of black pvc shorts... whoever said pvc anything was tacky. I love the shiny leather look, tbh. I wanted to buy a leather jacket, but, the authentic ones were way out of my budget, so I didn't get any. Got a couple of tube tops. A long ribbed camisole to wear under a jacket that I bought. Got 2 pairs of boots - one ankle-fitted platform one, and the other, a heeled one.

Damn. Retail therapy is fun, especially when I am such a cheap whore.

Lol.

Just checked the words on the can of energy drink can. Yup, I had 3 cans - which is the recommended number of cans per day.

Plus, I had coffee.

Oooh, caffeine is a beautiful thing.

Ya know what?

I think I feel more confident and look better with a shaved head than I do, with short or long hair.

I was just staring at the mirror for a while, at my reflection.

Being bald makes me feel all that much lighter; even happier.

Though I think I still look awful in my work uniform attire, which does nothing good for my appearance, tbh.

Glad it's not everyday that I go to work. It's really taxing this job thing. Yeah, over the decade in my time on VR, I have journaled about nothing except the benefits of being employed.

I just don't have that energy. I just need a good fuck, really; although I am a born-again virgin.

I am so low on energy at this point that I had to buy a six-pack of energy drinks, earlier this evening. Plus, I even had a cup of hot coffee just a few minutes ago, and it is 2130 hrs already.

Thing is, I can still fall asleep after having coffee.

I know imagesinwords is a coffee drinker, and she did mention in her journal a couple of years ago that she was one of those who could fall asleep after coffee?

Glad I'm not alone on this, tbh.

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CowboyZombie
17:40 Nov 15 2021

I can too sleep after coffee. I prefer monsters energy drink.

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I am becoming way too pitiful, am I not. Yeah well, sometimes life is one big pity party. A solo one at that. In my life, I watch, from the outside, interestingly awesome people pass me by.

No one really stayed or was consistent. Familiar strangers, is what VR's members are to me, on a really personal level. They still come and go.

Memories so treasured - the good and the bad. I just roll with the punches, in this virtual realm, unsure if everything that's being said and done, were real or not.

Virtual reality.

Oh well.

Guess I wanted to say that I have shaved all the hair off of my head. Less than an inch of hair is remaining

I have this crazy urge to tattoo my head... I'll just have to partake in deep soulful meditation.

The Universe calls.

And i usually answer her.

I AM BEING TORTURED IN SINGAPORE.

CAN SOMEONE FROM THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA HELP ME?

THE UNITED KINGDOM IS FULL OF BUGGERS.

I THINK I AM GOING TO DIE SOON.

PLEASE HELP ME.

IT IS ME AGAINST EVIL

PURE EVIL.

HELP.

PLEASE.

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA PLEASE HELP ME.

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CowboyZombie
19:54 Nov 14 2021

Im sorry your going through this.

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I have always been drawn to European and Western art ; be it music, performing arts, literary arts or even just artistic body art.

I guess education has left its indelible mark on my soul, spirit, and body and I can't be blamed for that... I just went into them because I was driven by my soul and followed my passion and personal happiness.

See? No rational being has ever harboured the same sentiments as I do... just by the way I've phrased above.

Where have you people gone, anyway.

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captainglobehead
13:02 Nov 14 2021

I've always been drawn more towards Eastern arts and philosophies. My family didn't understand because it went so completely against their upbringing. And they didn't understand that it was ok that they didn't understand. This was my life, my beliefs, my body, not theirs. I only asked that they accept my decisions.

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What a bummer. My plan to fet a chest tattoo cover up didn't go through, as I realised that I was running short on cash.

However.

I am practically calling all tattoo parlours, haggling and begging for a subsidised tattoo.

I just cannot help it. It is as though I have a tremendous altar ego that is driven by her very soul.

Yes, I am a typical female... Driven by my own very soul.

Screw the chest cover up. Now I want to go shave my head and get a girly tattoo.

I'm saving up for that. It's not like I am a tattoo model or anything... but, tattoos are a therapeutic form of spiritual Ascension... like a protection.

To me, every tattoo is a ritual. Since VR is full of highly influential otherworldly creatures of the night, I'm asking for any of you to pull some strings so I can get tattooed.

Pretty please?

Cancer, this is not a hate journal entry.

Please don't delete my profile or suspend my account.

I am a Singaporean by birth. To be honest, I don't seek power nor help from foreign nationals. By foreign nationals, I mean, South Indians and Bangladeshi. They usually seek a good life by traveling all the way from South India and Bangladesh, entering Singapore for work. They usually end up as construction workers, building stuff... I don't really give a fuck. These people, usually of lower education, just don't understand what No means. They're annoying the hell out of me by stalking me and making my life miserable.

THERE IS A FUCKING SYNDICATE TARGETING ME.

It's not race or religion that makes me have an adverse effect on my serious judgement; it is just that... I am just disgusted by them. It's the way they behave as though I need them in my life.

I DON'T NEED THEM IN MY LIFE. AT ALL. PERIOD.

Maybe I just look horrid that's why I attract them. In my defense, the past decade has been brutal on me.

White men don't even give me a second look. Well, it's a city, for goodness' sake.

Black men.. Well, i don't see them as much.

Singapore Indian men... Well, they're busy building empires with fair maidens or supermodels.

Oh well.

Brown and Chinese men... Well, not gonna happen.

I just... HATE.

Borders are closed. We're all stuck on this tiny little island... Get my drift?

Yeah, my ego is hurting.

Wait.

It's actually beyond repair.

FUCKING FUCKS.

Oh well, can't wait for the borders to open.

Fuck all of you, man.

It's a good time to go start a fight and get beaten up, tbh.

*gives the middle finger*

What the fucking fuck, man.

I thought we were friends?

I never backstabbed any of my VR friends, much less spoken ill of.

What the fuck, man.

Why you people abandon and ignore me.

This is my life we're talking about here, man.

Stupid fuckers, y'all.

You know society is withering into dust when certain type of people hate you so much, just for successfully passing an examination the first time.

I truly don't see the point of paying so much dirty money on something just to save face.

How can failing an examination ever be prestigious?

I can't speak for everyone, but I can, for myself.

I fucking stayed true through the ups and downs.

Foolish?

*shrugz"

This is beyond all rational thought.

Why does society feel as though it is obligated to distract my attention whenever there's a possibility of me hooking up with a man of my age... or thereabouts?

Society can be very backwards in thought and action. They think my alternative spiritual faith is all about having sex and fucking. How can any self-respecting person just go around having promiscuous sex.

I may be a slut, but, I ain't no hoe.

You got that?

Revolting cocks, tbh.

There is a whole sector of ugly society performing sadomasochistic acts on me.

Trying to break me down.

My pathetic excuse for a father is one of them.

God.

People have been killed and executed for lesser things! I find certain men absolutely repulsive. I am a fucking straightedge. Always have been. Am as such. Always will.

What the fuck is happening.

Dammit.

Yes, I just said Dammit as an opener. Well, what else do you want me to say?

Because, I just splurged on items for my altar, and, I had to take up the challenge of constant learning. I really don't mind having to learn new stuff every a couple of days... guess that's why I am making a meagre sustainable living.

It's just that I get so darn enthusiastically maniacal that constantly adding new stuff, or shifting stuff around on my altar have made me somewhat spiritually deranged.

Witchy stuff sure is addictive! Lol.

I just hope my purchases - some fragile - arrive in one piece.

I have added 2 new crystals as well, to my small collection on my altar: smokey quartz and black tourmaline.

These are some powerful stones, let me tell ya; and having to separate certain crystals from other crystals has become a need - so that their powers don't cross out each other's. Quite obviously, I had to put myself through a crash course studying crystals.

Like I said, it was a crash course.

Oh, boy, uh huh.

Man, it feels really good coming home to familiar surroundings.

May the Force be with you,
Good vibes and
Blessed Be, witches!

What have I ever done to you women, man?

Why show so much hate towards me?

You know what, bitches?

I am a whore. I am a slut. I am everything you are not.

Deal with that, you bitches.

I prefer being ill-treated by handsome men than deal with your whiny, childish, petty behaviour!

Get the fuck lost, seriously.

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CowboyZombie
04:35 Nov 10 2021

Don't let people get to you. Lifes too short for that. Most haters don't like themselves.

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I am sick and tired of being treated badly by society. Honest to the Dark Lord, why can't I ever be myself around people? Every single time I try to forge a relationship, or rather a rapport or friendly tie with another woman, the said woman gangs up on me with other women.

I honestly don't fucking get it.

This ganging up on me happens time and time again.

Every single fucking time.

Am I destined to be bullied my whole life?!

Why don't I have any friends.

Can somebody enlighten me, please.

I was on YouTube and I am pretty sure what I saw. Zombie was on Dave Navarro's Ink Master! Yes, our Zombie on Ink Master. I am several years too late to be writing about it in here, on a Gothic Vampire social website,, but man, I really saw what I saw. In case you're wondering who Dave Navarro is, is well, he used to date Carmen Electra... Back in the day... The beautiful people, for sure. That's all I know, I guess.

When I created my very first VR profile, back in 2008, one of my coven members told me that she had kissed Spike aka James Marsters. So yeah... Oh well. I mean, most of social media's used by celebrities too, right?

I have every right to be here, I guess... Not everyone mixes with the top-tier. This is ridiculous.. accusing me of catfishing with my photos.

I really did look like that when I was younger, a couple of years ago... These days, I rarely take selfies... I just look ravaged.

I hate what I have become.

I wish I could be tattooed by a legit artist. The scene - where I am at - is just trash, I swear. Mediocre, at the least; but hey, I run on a super tight budget, so I think I should not be whining and bitching.

Lol.

Imma get a cover-up tattoo this week - the chest piece that I currently bear.

It is just a blotch of disaster on my chest. A cabbage for a rose and ngel wings that look like they haven't been finished.

So, imma get it fixed on this week. Oooh, I am going back there because I loved the Unicorn tattoo they'd one on me. Yeah, I am pretty excited.

Got the design ready, and tbh, I am prepared for the pain. This is going to hurt like a fucker, really. The first time, the rose tattoo bled a little, and really hurt so bad; but I endured and endured.

Man, if it weren't for the disaster on my chest, it would never have crossed my mind to get a cover-up.

Oooh, the pain.

Shuckz.

Was everything fake?

I have had my moments in life. Always had a tad bit of raging hormones.

Didn't we all.

Just a little bit. Nothing compared to what was all hushed up.

To all the pretty men I have kissed, with them telling, I just have one thing to say :

Grow the fuck up.

And to the rest:

They are voyeurs.

I can finally rest my mind in peace for now.

Or so I thought.

I finally got around to collecting my Polaroid camera from my parents' place so that I could get down to some creative bullet journaling but only to realise that I left the damn USB charger behind.

Ugh.

I have to go buy a new one tomorrow at the nearby local IT mall.

Oh, sloth be thy name... I mean, mine.

Fuck my life.