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My middle sister now called, crying that her husband has also left her. Is it just me or are "men" all too eager to... just give up? Like I've said, guys in their 30s are just insufferable children. And then you wanna know why people like me choose to be alone... It's not complicated. My mother says that men aren't really ready to be in a loving relationship until they're in their 50s. I'm so fucking tired of guys around my age, it's like... they just never grew up. They either want you to be their mommy or their sex toy or they want to pile all their emotional bullshit onto you while giving you NOTHING in return, no support. Selfish, that's how I'd describe guys my age, selfish toddlers. I've witnessed it with the men in my life, with the men in friend's lives, and now in my sister's lives which I already knew, but for fuck's sake. And now this dumbass is telling my sister he's going to kill himself. Well that's the fucking solution, isn't it? Let's permanently traumatized not only my sister, but also your only child because you wanna be an attention seeking baby. Like, if you wanna leave then fucking leave, and be done, but coming back with that shit... Let's be real, dude, you're just begging for attention and sympathy. And I know I sound harsh, but... I can see the manipulation. People who actually want to die, they just do it, they go for it. People who tell you they're going to kill themselves generally just want to see how you'll react to it. Will you stop them? Do you care? And sure, my sister admittedly cheated on him. But... there are a lot of outlying factors to consider in that. Such as her downward spiral into major depression because he moved them 1000 miles away from everything, her entire support system. Not for work, not because he had to, but because he wanted to live on the beach. Which they don't because turns out that beach life is fucking expensive. So they ended up in a tiny town pretty much exactly like here. Oh, but he blamed everyone else for wanting to move, my mother in particular, said in the 20+ years they've been together that no one ever treated him like family, and my mom is too sensitive so he just can't be around her. It's not that my mother is overly sensitive l, he's just a disrespectful jackass who says whatever the fuck, and doesn't like being called out on his shit. Like with my oldest sister, his sister-in-law, he constantly says borderline sexual inappropriate stuff to her, in front of everyone. And my oldest sister is very nonconfrontational. He doesn't pull that shit with me because he knows 100% he'll walk away bleeding or very loudly publicly shamed because if you're gonna be a motherfucking creep, you will be publicly humiliated to the best of my ability. And the fact that she's upset over him leaving... Like, dude, fucking blow. If you're gonna leave, just leave, don't jerk people around especially when one of those people is your only child. And that's another scumbag move he made, he forced my sister to tell their child that she cheated on his father. I don't understand why except to hurt her, and hurt their relationship. Which, my nephew is much, much closer to his mom than his dad, and maybe that's partially the motive, to force a ridt there. It just seems unnecessary to bring him into it, to cause him any more trauma because I'm sure listening to them fight has done enough damage. I wish that all of my siblings would collectively get their shit together for their kids because I'm watching them fall apart. My oldest sister's daughter was over yesterday. She fell asleep in school so she ended up leaving mid-day, and came over here instead of going home alone. So we were talking, and she was telling me she just can't sleep at home. And then she fell asleep here. And I tried to tell my sister, your daughter feels safe sleeping anywhere... except at home. Hello red flag, something is very wrong, maybe it's the explosive fights you have with your husband, fucking fix it. Because despite telling him that if he left, not to come back, she then spent the next couple days BEGGING him to come back. It disgusts me, honestly. It's fucking weak. I've never chased after any man, except Wolfie. And the only reason I went after him so many times was because it wasn't him leaving me, it was his mental illness. But even that reached a breaking point. Do I think my brother-in-law is mentally ill? Absolutely not, from what I've witnessed of him from knowing him since I was about 12. He's never shown any signs of being unstable, just a jackass. My sister however... Mental illness runs very strong in this family, and she's been miserable ever since they moved. Depression can make you do horrible things. It can turn you into someone you're not. If someone cheats on you just to fuck, that's one thing, that's pretty unforgivable. But when a person is depressed, and desperate, and not themselves, and they end up in a bad situation trying to be happy... I get it. I'm not saying she's wholly unaccountable for her actions, but it's complicated, and it's definitely not all her fault. But if it is unforgivable, move on. Make that choice, and stick to it. Be a fucking man. It's weird because my sisters both are very public with the rest of the family about their fallings out with the men in their lives... And I'm not. When I have a relationship end, I don't sit in bed, and cry, and call everyone over to witness it. I just kinda quietly let it go. Like with Wolfie, I told everyone he had a massive mental breakdown and left. And that's the truth. And that's really all there is to it. He left, and for the first time I didn't stop him. And I guess I thought if I let him go he'd eventually get his shit together. So far that doesn't appear to be the case. But maybe he has, just without me. Letting someone you love go is the hardest thing, but... you have to look at what it's doing to them, and to yourself to keep holding on. Sometimes people need time. Sometimes they need space. Sometimes you just need to be alone.
I don't respond to one word, minimal effort bullshit attemps to speak to me, here or anywhere.
If you have nothing better to say to me than, "Hey," or, "'Sup,".... If you'd like my attention then it's your job to sell yourself to me because you're the one forcing your presence on me. Make me want to talk to you, be interesting. Or shut the fuck up.
Maybe I'm just a huge bjtch xD But if you have NOTHING to say, stop trying, go away~
I have to question my oldest sister's common sense... Because when I went over there she was laying in bed, crying about how awful her marriage has been the last few years, how he has spent no time with her, shown no interest in her, has been extremely secretive, and how she believes he's been cheating for awhile. And... the guy's a known ho. He had four kids with four different women by the time he was 22, one of which was born right before they got married. He's ten years younger than she is, several years younger than me. But the reason I question her common sense is because when we were all on vacation at the beach back in December she, and her husband went, and got matching tattoos, family tattoos of five sea turtles that represent them, and the three kids. And it's not the first matching tattoos they've got... I dunno, if I was in a marriage that made me miserable, and constantly suspected my spouse of cheating, definitely wouldn't want a permanent reminder of them on my body. This isn't the first blowout they've had, but it is the first where he actually packed his shit and left. But he'll probably be back, and my sister is unfortunately weak, and will take him back despite the obvious instability it brings to her, and her children. It's ok to be alone. Everyone constantly worries about being with someone, I often times feel like I'm the only person who doesn't want to be with someone, I want to be with someone who is the right person or no one. I am not a person who settles because every guy I've ever been with, Wolfie excluded, was a major settle. I know what it is to settle, and I'd rather be alone, that's a personal choice. And it sucks watching my sisters go through this because I feel like they both settled, and this is the outcome, both being miserable with the men they married. And of course, they're grown, they're allowed to make those choices, I just worry about my nieces and nephews. Both my oldest nieces are in therapy, and A LOT of that is to do with the men in their life, their fathers/father figures. One of the reasons I was so exhausted while I was on vacation was because obviously I was still recovering from the sepsis, but also constantly being between my brother, and my oldest niece because he constantly goes at her for anything she says or does because he doesn't treat her like a daughter, he treats her more like a disgruntled roommate. She's 13, she's a teenager, and she's spent a lot of her life with me so... she's extremely vocal, opinionated, sassy, bitchy, bratty, whatever you wanna call it, she's also a typical teenager, and he treats her like she's the worst thing in the world. Like, dude, you're the fucking adult, it's your job to be a father, not sink to her level. And her mom is useless, she doesn't do or say anything when he rips into her. I fucking will, I will put him in his fucking place. I actually recently found out my oldest sister finds my brother just as insufferable, narcissistic, and toxic as I do. And I love my brother of course, but there's only so much you can take of him. Even my parents... my dad is planning another vacation for July with both my sisters, and he wants to take all the kids, but doesn't want my brother, and his wife to go. Now part of that is because my brother pays for nothing when he goes so anything we do my parents end up paying for him, his wife, and three kids, but also because despite going on these vacations for free, and getting to spend time with his family, he always comes back, and talks shit about how miserable a time he had. So like... I don't blame my parents for not wanting him to go, why would you want to spend your hard earned money on an ungrateful jackass? The thing is, his kids have an awesome time, and that's what's important to me. I've never seen them happier than when we were all at the beach so... I don't particularly care if he has a miserable time as long as they're happy which is something that seems less important to him especially with his daughters. And he wants to have another baby when not only did he just "borrow" $50,000 from our grandparents, but he's failing miserably as a father to the three kids he already has, mostly his daughters, and his wife is just nonexistent as a mother. All of my siblings are in a state of chaos. Somehow, in this moment, I am most stable... So we got BIG problems xD
Recently I mentioned my middle sister's falling out with her husband. Now it's my oldest sister, I was out to dinner having a good time when my niece calls to say that asshole just up and left after a screaming match that never should've happened in front of her. I went over there, and I told her what I told our other sister... First, be fucking done with men. Second, let's get our other sister over here, time to hex this motherfucker. And this is my oldest sister's third time being married because she's obsessed with having that fairytale ending that just doesn't exist. I don't know if true love even exists anymore cause it kinda seems like no one is willing to work or sacrifice for it. Everyone just wants what's convenient, whatever is there in front of them, whatever is available instantly. And that's, in my experience, how it is when you meet people, no body wants to work on building a relationship, they just want it instantly, they want the love or the sex or the commitment right away instead of getting to know you. No one wants to take the time to get to know each other anymore. And that's a big part of why I'm happy being single because I cannot be bothered to put effort into people who give me zero-minimum effort which seems to be the typical attitude of 30-year old "men." I dunno what happened to the motherfuckers now in their 30s, but collectively... severely emotionally stunted man-babies who are either immediately in love with you or just want to bang. There is no in-between, there is no healthy relationship, they want one extreme or the other with no effort. And then they bitch, and whine, "Well women like you with those opinions are the reasons I don't approach you." Fucking good, dude, cause I cannot name you a single guy over the last two years who approached me with the intention of getting to actually know me, but could probably name 50 whose near opening line was, "Omg, I love you," or, "Omg, you're so hot I just wanna lick you." Nah. With that as my coupling option, nah, I'm good on my own. I encourage both my sisters to get on that level. Cause you gotta be happy with yourself. You gotta take care of yourself. More than that my sisters need to focus on taking care of their children. Your husbands are grown-ass men, they can take care of themselves, they are responsible for themselves, and their own happiness. Your children rely a whole lot more on you, especially for emotional stability. My niece shouldn't have to call crying that her parents are screaming at each other that their marriage is over, that's not something to fucking do in front of your kids. If that's a marriage for you, you should let that shit go.
People often times think that Wolfie is the reason I've given up on men, and that's not the truth. My relationship with him was extremely complicated, but... it wasn't bad. It wasn't toxic. It wasn't abusive. Unfortunately, his mental illness eventually put him in a mindset where he just couldn't be in a relationship. And you also have to remember that Wolfie has a cycle wherein every couple years he destroys his own life. He lived in Europe before we met, he gave up his entire life there to move back to Denver. A couple years after moving back to Denver, starting his business, meeting me, buying a house, and getting back into college for his Master's, he drops ALL of that to take off to some Caribbean island for a job offer, boom, takes off over night. Literally, gives up on everything in his life to go do this, and to be fair he was struggling a lot at the time, especially with college, he'd wanted to give up on it months before, and I convinced him to keep going, but ultimately he gave it up. He was also having a really hard time living so close to his abusive mother who lied to him about planning on moving back to Russia, and bought a house close to his almost immediately after he bought the house for us. So he was looking for a reason to leave the US, and the job was a lot of money so I can't say he up, and left for nothing, but it's another instance of him dtopping his life, leaving everything behind, starting over because that's kinda the trend when things get too tough in his life, he just... abandons everything, starts over. And he's there on the island for a couple years, stuck there awhile because this was back in 2020, and when he's supposed to come back here finally, nah, decides he wants to move back to Europe. Sells everything here, basically abandons me, his friends/family there, another whole life he's built, just drops it. Spends the next couple years in Europe getting a job, renovating property he has there, desperately trying to figure out how to move me there, then suddenly... he's giving up on everything, he's running away, he's self-destructing. And it's hard to blame him for it, I don't think you can entirely blame him because it's how he grew up in an incredibly unstable home with incredibly abusive, unstable parents. But there is some accountability because he has talked to multiple therapists over the years who have all told him the same thing, stop running, stop moving constantly, find somewhere and stabilize, and he's just refused. Every time I thought he was stabilizing, and finally making progress, that's when the cycle restarts, and he takes off again. And it's been almost two years since his last, known to me anyway, self-destruct so... he's due for another. I'd like to think he's in a better place now, but do I actually believe that? No. I doubt he's happy, it's more likely that he's worse than ever. I think eventually he'll end up back in Denver because you have to realize at some point it doesn't matter where you are, where you live, where you run to when the issue is YOU. It doesn't matter how many times you reset everything around you when you can't reset yourself. You can fix your shit, you can heal, but there ain't no reset button on your back. He has genuine, legitimate, enormous issues, but they're not unfixable. And I hate that his mental illness has taken him there, has taken him away from love, and support, but... I can't force myself into his life if he aggressively pushes me out. I have always been adamant that if he wants me there then he will reach out because he's the one who pushed away. And I don't wanna hear, "Well he's just too afraid or too ashamed to talk to you." Get over it. Be a fucking man. Or don't, and stay the fuck away. Because I don't wanna be on anyone's life who doesn't want me there, who doesn't think that I bring something positive to their existence. I didn't give up on relationships because of Wolfie, and I'm not gonna sit here, and swear I'll never fall in love or fuck again. It's just that I've had zero interest in being in a relationship the last couple years, and that's ok, it's ok to be alone, to be selfish, to focus on yourself. And watching both of my sisters marriages tank... Seems like a good decision. Getting married was something I never cared about, I never dreamed about the big girly wedding. I always went along with the idea of getting married to my former partners because it's what they wanted, but honestly I couldn't care less. There was only ever one person I genuinely wanted to marry, I thought about it, I was happy about it, and... Maybe it's better this way.
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