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birra's Journal


birra's Journal

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5 entries this month
 

...a day at a time...

12:04 Jul 30 2007
Times Read: 918


We said our good-nights and parted ways as we have virtually every night since we discovered each other. You, unhappy and unsettled. Me, unsatisfied and tired.


I put on the music you gave me, the Eastern/Mediterranean sounds with the distinct drum beats. I listen to it when I’m feeling alone because it reminds me of you and it comforts me.


I lay down to sleep with words that you wrote last night still swimming in my head and consuming my thoughts. Words that you wrote to me, and words intended for me but that everyone can see...


...but no one knows the real meaning.


My thoughts were heavy but I eventually slipped away into a dream.


I dreamt we were together in a magnificent cave under a tree – carved out by people thousands of years ago. The walls were brilliant with gems and crystals. It felt like magic.


You begin to tell me your sister came to visit. She invited a friend, Kim, over for dinner. You thought nothing of it, and expected little.


But Kim, to your surprise, was a man.


An intelligent, charming, witty man.


You liked him.


He liked you.


And then you asked me to leave. So you can give this man a chance.


Not just leave the place we sat, but leave you. Forever.


I knew this day would come. No matter how I tried to anticipate it and prepare for it, I couldn’t.


The rhythm of the music intensified – the drum beats marching faster with my quickening heart. Trying to find the words, try to not break down and beg you to say it isn’t so. I know it’s not fair to you but letting go of something so wonderful is not easy.


Female voices in a chorus serenade, the music reaches a crescendo.


Then the song is over.


And my heart stops.


Completely.


I touch your face and tell you.


“Always remember your own words. It is supposed to be this way. It’s only supposed to feel like this. Except, the thread should never get pulled apart.”


I hope your thread never gets pulled apart again. It’s a feeling, I know, I will never have. But I wish it for you.


And with that… I faded into death.


I wake up and look at the clock. Hours before I need to wake up, but I know I can’t sleep. I lay and ponder – everything. I decide to write this but when I log on I find your latest message to me…


…I can do nothing but wipe the tears as they roll down my face.


I can’t go on with my day.


I’m not sure I can go on at all.


You’re right, it’s all too much. It always has been for me – this life.


You tell me that you’re scared of life. You’ve told me that you fear all of your decisions have been bad and always will.


I fear the same things. You just haven’t seen that.


Both of us – we don’t know that our decisions are wrong until time has told us they were.


But how do we know decisions are right, unless we give them time too?


All I ever asked for was… a day at a time.


COMMENTS

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So we've just landed in Charlotte...

04:56 Jul 30 2007
Times Read: 923


...and everyone is standing up gathering their things. The older lady sitting next to me motioned my attention towards a woman across the aisle...


Lady: "Doesn't she look like that actress from Titanic? What's her name? Kate Winslet?"


Me: "No, not really. Kate Winslet has much larger boobs."


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I don't mean to bitch but...

04:06 Jul 28 2007
Times Read: 931


...haven't I spent enough time in North Carolina??? Do I really need TWO jobs there this week, cleaning up other people's messes?


Gah.


And it's just running. End to end in the state in 2 days... it's ridiculous.


I think I'll just skip meals and sleeping and work all week....


COMMENTS

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Back to the travels...

04:52 Jul 19 2007
Times Read: 955


...hitting the road again tomorrow for adventures in desert land.


My first time spending any considerable time in the state of Arizona. I'm looking forward to it. Looking forward to it enough that I'm just going to spend the weekend out there.


What will happen?


Who will I meet?


Will the airline lose my luggage?


Will I accidently drive into the Grand Canyon?


One never knows what wacky adventures I'll have next. That's my life; it's non-stop action, I'll tell ya.



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Buh-Bye

01:38 Jul 06 2007
Times Read: 979


So the pilots and attendants were standing near the door of the plane saying their "buh-bye's" to everyone as they got off the plane...


...I slept the entire flight Chicago to Oklahoma, so I exited the plane in a haze...


The pilot looked at me and asked, "So did you have a good flight?"


I said, "You didn't hit the ground or anything attached to it.. so yeah.. it wasn't bad."


Gah... don't ask me questions when I'm trying to wake up....


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