Well... That's a little disheartening. I thought we had been friends. Apparently I couldn't be more wrong.
I don't voice it often, but I am so thankful for the things I have in life. The people who stand by me, who support me, who love me, the new path I'm walking that's really turning me into a better person, the conversations, the time spent with certain people. I'm so thankful for all of it. I must admit, right now, life is pretty okay.
I don't know how to feel about things now. I really don't. I put myself in a precarious situation here.
It maybe... kind of... feels like falling...
I've forgotten what it's like to fall asleep with someone on Skype. To hear their soft breathing, the little noises they make should they shift their position. He asked me why a girl like me gives her time to a guy like him. I simply said because he asked for it. And, that's the honest truth. I'll happily give what free time I have to a person should they simply show interest that they want to spend that time with me. He did one better and requested my time. He wants to call me on his breaks when he's at work, before he goes to bed. I don't offer this stuff up, he asks for it. I haven't had that in such a long time. He wanted me to go to sleep with him, he requested it last night and I said I would. It's nice, having someone around who wants to do these things with me. The innocence of it all, the intimacy of it all... It makes me feel like I matter, like I'm wanted.
I'm getting all too used to these phone calls throughout the day... That scares me immensely. I got like that with Chris, and when it all stopped I didn't know how to handle it... He's just, he's beginning to always be there, and I'm so afraid that he won't. This attachment I'm beginning to feel is terrifying.
'Twas but a fleeting thought, crossed my mind for but a few moments. You. And now I can't help but sit here and wonder how you've been, and what life has placed in your path, what happiness and sorrows have you faced since last we spoke? I guess I just miss the conversations we used to have. The calls on Skype, the text messages... You've always been someone I've held in such high regard, someone I respected immensely. And, I suppose, silly as it may be, I miss you. Your company, your laugh, the way you made me think. I hope everything's been going well for you, and, somewhat selfishly, that you'll come back, even for a little visit, and say hello.
It's times like these when I'm just so tired of being so alone. Why does he get the happy ending when I can't even find the start to my story?
Wow, I didn't even realize I hit the ten year mark here, that's how active I've been lately. Goodness, ten whole years... Where does the time go?
I've been fairly inactive around here for, well, a long while now. For reasons. I've just been really busy getting back on my feet after years of doing practically nothing with my life. I have to say, it's nice, having motivation again, getting up each day and looking forward to what I do, enjoying what I'm doing with myself. I'm enjoying life now far more than I have for quite some time. I'm actually happy. And for once, it's all because of me and my own choices, not because someone else is there propping me up.
Things with Chris have gotten easier to handle, as well. With this new path I'm walking I'm not home all the time with nothing to do but think about all the negatives. I'm not alone all the time, constantly focused on him. That's what I really needed, just to get out there and do something, to take my focus off him. We talk and game when we both have a free minute, it's less these days, but that's okay. The time we do get is that much more special. It's nice to just be able to talk and laugh like we used to, way back in the beginning. I still care about him so much, but I suppose I've come to terms with things and being his friend is far easier than I was making it on myself.
I should be done and certified by this time next month. It's a pretty awesome feeling, to actually be accomplishing something. To be working hard and seeing it all pay off. Things are pretty great right now. Aside from the fact fact that I am currently sick, again. But, hopefully I'll be back to normal by Monday.
I don't think I have ever enjoyed doing something more than I enjoy doing this. I don't know why I never got into this field sooner.
Why is it still so hard to just be his friend? Why do I want to cry every time I get done talking to him? I don't know why I can't just accept things for what they are and get past the feelings I have for him. I think I'm okay, when I'm on my own and not communicating with him, then he pops online on Xbox or Facebook and sends me a message or responds to something I've sent him, and I'm just lost again. It's not getting any better, even after so many months... It's just getting worse and I'm falling deeper when he says some of the things he says, like, he's proud of me and what I've been doing...
I'm fucking hopeless.
As of around 11 AM, my brother officially became a Deputy Sheriff. After about a year and a half of hard work, it all came to fruition when he got his certificate this morning. I'm happy for him. A police officer is all he's ever wanted to be, and he finally got there. Tomorrow we're throwing him a big celebration at my aunt's house. It's going to be nice. Tonight, though, he's out with his class celebrating at some restaurant in L.A. There's an open bar so I'm fairly certain that place is going to be bone dry come the end of the night.
Once I got past the initial fear that I was shoving a needle into the vein of some other person, taking blood is actually not that difficult. My hands were shaking a bit, but not enough to mess anything up, and I was one of the three who actually hit a vein properly and got blood. I'm not squeamish when it comes to blood and needles and the like, which makes this a good fit for me.
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