If it wasn't for my phone, I wouldn't know what day it is... Everything just bleeds together at this point.
I've been playing Animal Crossing : New Horizons on the Switch pretty much all day since I got it at 3. I get why everyone seems to be so obsessed with it. It is far too easy to lose yourself in the game. I guess that's a good thing for me, since I really need the distraction.
Any friends here have a Switch? Wanna add each other as friends?
I'm not a Smosh fan, but my bestest friend ever, Tommy, was in one of their videos. He did a reading with his runes. He's the best. We have been talking today and we've got plans once all this quarantine stuff is over for a lunch date. And probably some shopping at a few of the local metaphysical stores.
The urge to pack up and leave SoCal gets stronger and stronger with each passing day. Maybe a move to another state, where it's cheaper to live, would be better for me. California hasn't done me any favors on any level in my 32 years of life.
I just bought myself a Switch. Completely overpaid for it, but consider you can't find them in stores and most resellers are selling them for $400-700 I figured just to pay the price. I wasn't going to find it cheaper. Plus, I did get a good $80 off, so that's a win. It should be here by next week, since the seller said he'd get it in the mail first thing tomorrow. When I get it I'll get myself Animal Crossing: New Horizon. I have no real interest in the game, but I need to game with people and this is all my friends are playing these days. I haven't owned a Nintendo product since the Gameboy Color.
But, now I can totally also get Breath of the Wild. I haven't played a Zelda game in so long.
I've been watching a ton of reviews on the laptop I bought the other day. It's the Alienware M17 R2. I wanted the white one, but they didn't have any in stock, so I had to get the black one. It's not as striking aestheticly as the white one, with the RGB backlit keyboard and piping, but it's still pretty to look at. I'm so excited to get it. I'm really hoping it'll get here by next week, which is the shipping option I chose, but as it hasn't been shipped out from the warehouse yet, that's probably not likely. So, I've basically just tortured myself for the last hour because I really want it to be here now.
I was like this with my glasses. I ordered them not realising that there was two public holidays (so no shipping those days), and it was such an awful wait. I'm ordering a new Surface in a few days and am trying to prep myself up for the wait on it, haha.
I really hope your laptop is all you want and imagine it to be!
I am so tired of hearing how great and amazing I apparently am as I'm being broken up with. Don't try to make me feel better with meaningless words. If I were so awesome and amazing, why are you throwing me away?
Well, I just wasted a lot of money... I purchased myself a new Alienware laptop. I need a new computer, and getting a gaming laptop was the best option for me. When I actually start working again, I'll get a tower built for me, but for now, this will have to do. I wanted an MSI, but at $2,000+, that wasn't going to happen. Hopefully it'll get here on time next week. I'm excited. Of course, now I'm completely broke, but it was worth it.
Things are... Well, they just are. Life is difficult right now. I'm not the type of person who is content doing nothing all day, staying home like a hermit. I need to be out, I need to be productive. My mental heath depends on it. When I'm left in a situation like I currently am, I spiral down into depression. The longer it goes, the worse it gets. And right now I'm in a horrible headspace. It's seeping into everything, ruining my relationships. And I can't stop it. I can't get things under control. Francis and I... We're... I don't even know anymore. We haven't spoken for a few days and when we do speak, things are so unpleasant.
Do any of you adhear to the idea of the five love languages? You know, words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. My two are quality time and physical touch. I need to be with my partner. I need to be able to touch them, to get that time together. That's how I show my love. Franz was words of affirmation and touch, John was acts of service, Francis is... I'm not exactly sure. I think he's like me, but he's so withdrawn from being on his own for so long after his divorce. If anything, it's acts of service as well, he likes to pay for things and buy me stuff. So, in a situation like this where I can't see him, I can't spend time with him, it's hard to deal with things. And, people who've dated me will tell you how combative I can be when I don't get attention. It's a very typical Leo trait, having to be the focal point. But, when it comes to my romantic partners, unless I decide I want to be left alone, I need that attention from my partner. Slain used to say I was like Tinkerbell, I need attention or I'll die. And, he really wasn't wrong. It's because that's how I express my love, it's how I show I care. But, when I'm left out in the cold, when my presence feels like it's a burden, it hurts. Because I don't know how else to express how I feel. When I feel like I'm being forced out, I become cold. In my mind it's like I have to fight for things, and you don't want to fight me. Because I can be so cold, so calculated. I can find just the right things to say to hurt you. I become confrontational. Everything will set me off. These are issues I've had to deal with, and I have gotten better at controlling those impulses, that need to lash out at my partner. However, a situation like this, where it feels like everything is broken and nothing will be okay, when I'm so paranoid about how I'm going to pay bills and if I even have a job to go back to when things finally get back to some semblance of normalcy again, I find I am less forgiving. In a time where it should be the total opposite, because everyone is struggling on some level, I'm far less understanding than I should be.
Things with Francis are difficult for me. I'm less likely to want to sit on the phone joking about stupid, pointless nonsense. I'm less likely to be optimistic about things. The depression takes hold and everything is awful. Nothing is ever going to get better. I know I'm being stupid, but I can't help those thoughts. He also deals with things differently. He runs on autopilot, just gets through the day doing what he needs to do, not giving it any real thought, and then goes to bed, just to do it all over again. He has his podcasts and his streaming show every Wednesday, but outside of those things, he just does what he has to do without putting a lot of thought into any of it. He's okay being alone, because it's what he's used to. Me, I have never been comfortable on my own. Because my thoughts when I'm alone are not pleasant to deal with. I have always been they type of person who needs to be in a relationship. I need to have someone there. I've done long stints where I have been single, and those were some of my darkest moments. It's just how I have always been. So, while he's okay with not talking to me for days, when he doesn't make the effort to contact me, I'm not okay with it. I told him as much, and he gets it, but he hasn't changed things. I don't know if it's just that he can't or he simply doesn't care enough to try. To me, it just feels like he doesn't care enough. I know that's most likely not the case, but I can't help but latch on to that conclusion.
I don't know. Everything's a mess right now. I can't find enough ways to keep myself busy, so more and more often I find myself sinking farther and farther into that darkness, letting it envelope me. Letting it twist my thoughts. I can't get a hold of anything, and that is terrifying.
Three years. Three years and it hasn't gotten any better. I miss you, Nana. I miss you so much.
-hugs- I’m sorry, Alice. I won’t tell you that you’ll wake up one day and feel nothing. You will always miss her, but it does get easier. Focus on those still here, be there for the family you have left. It’s what helped me a lot with my Dad. I’m here if you need me, as ever. =^.^=
The best apology is changed behavior. Otherwise it's just empty words.
You can't control what others may do or say, but you can control how you react to their words and actions. Why would you give someone you claim to hate the power to affect how you feel? Suicidal thoughts are not something to use for pity and sympathy. If you truly feel like taking your life, seek professional help. Don't throw it out there while laying the blame on someone else. As someone who has struggled with depression, with suicidal thoughts, with attempts at ending thir own life, I get it. But for real, get help. Talk to someone. Get off the fucking computer and find a professional to speak to.
A FUCKING MEN I rarely ever agree with you but this time you have a damn point!
I never thought this day would come. I agree with you. I could not of said it better myself. I think he’ll has froze over today.
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|While in the military, I learn to communicate in a few dialects. |