I got the most interesting wake up call this morning. Or rather, wake up texts. Turns out Jerry was cheating on his wife with a prostitute for the last handful of months. She contacted me to see if he and I still had anything going on between us. We don't, of course. Things ended before they got married, though truthfully, they should have ended long before that. I feel so bad for her, I really do. I had hoped that once they did get married he'd focus on working on their relationship as long as I was out of the picture, I guess that wasn't his plan. I suppose the saying is right, once a cheater, always a cheater. Man. Their marriage didn't even last four months. That's horrible. I'm so glad I got out of that mess before this happened. God knows who else he was with and what kind of diseases he might have picked up. Prostitutes, though? The moment you have to pay for sex when you have someone at home who'd give it to you, that's just so... Icky.
I was thinking about changing my name here to what my gamertag is, The Fire Within. Because, honestly, it's more fitting for me now than this name is. But, I always say I want to change my name and never do. If I did, it would likely be my Dawn account that got the change. Because while I have grown tired of immortalxkiss, it's a part of me. I've been using it for over a decade, it's who I am. I don't know. It's something to think about anyway.
My fire within lights a fuze to a big cannon....pointed at the British....that goes "BOOM" after I say fire really loud....
No. Don't change the name of this account because you've had this name longer than I've been a site member haha. I remember you were a sire when I first joined like nine years ago, or eight years ago, or whatever.
Watching comedy specials with him on Netflix is just the best. His laughter is contagious. I may not even be into the comedian we're watching, but the way he laughs, it just makes me smile and enjoy everything. I adore that boy. I truly do.
At some point I'll probably get around to doing something with my Coven. Or I won't. I don't know. It's just me and Matthew, so there really is no rush until I get in more members. If I ever decide to work on that as well. Or, maybe it will always just be Matthew and I.
I'm losing interest in a lot of things that once captivated me so. I don't know if it's a sign of growing up, or depression, or what. It's just the way things are right now.
It's funny, I've come to realize just how attached I've become to my phone over the years. I left it in my brother's car last night after we went out to dinner and I've been without it for the night. He'll bring it by later this afternoon, but I feel kind of lost without it right now. I can't text, listen to my music, browse the internet or Facebook or YouTube whenever I want. I'm on the tablet right now, since getting on the laptop is such a hassle, but it just isn't the same. I want my phone back.
Wait... You want to be friendly with me? That's a laugh. You tend to do this every year on (or around) my birthday. Shoot me a message saying we have a lot in common and you'd like to get to know me. That's funny. You know me, or at least you assume you do. You've bad mouthed me to members and you've written about me in your own journal. And I'm supposed to be okay with all of that? Just brush it all off like it doesn't mean anything? Yeah, no. I'm not that forgiving. Thank you for the birthday message, but in all honesty, I want nothing to do with you.
You know, to all my aversion of my birthday, today hasn't been half bad. I've spent the majority of the day with him, playing The Elder Scrolls Online and watching Friends. Overall, a good day. It would have been much better if he were here in person to help me celebrate turning 28, but, hopefully next year.
Well then happy birthday today....and merry un birthday tomorrow and the rest of the year.....if all light defects in order to see....that makes all of us inside the looking glass....and makes one wonder how it feels to be a spirit trapped in one huh......makes you rethink what's really happening huh? welcome to the entrance of the rabbit hole.......for real....anyways again....I hope your wish comes true if you had any....
well I like your profile of master chief....he's nanotech for sure....I didn't know you didn't want me not to....nobody called me either...on mine last year...so whatever....imagine....people before we had kept track of time lived and died not knowing how old they were at one time long ago....before the annunaki....
Went to the cemetery, visited David. It was a nice day to do it, not too hot, nice breeze. I'm not looking forward to tomorrow. I just don't want to deal with it. Birthdays are nothing special to me, and since Chris isn't here, there's nothing to look forward to.
The whole linking your Xbox to someone else's is such a cheat. I've got ESO, Outlast, Dying Light, and access to a whole mess of other games now without having to pay for them. Plus, I'll have Taken King when that comes out. I'll never have to pay full price for another game again as long as my Xbox is linked up with his. I'll just go half on games I want so we both have them.
It's the little things that make me smile.
I didn't want to, but maybe it's for the best. Friendships come and friendships go, you and I were just not meant to be anything more than what we've already been. Absence, sometimes it doesn't make the heart grow fonder. Sometimes it just murders what was once there.
The thing about August, about my birthday, is that it's not that happy a day to me. The beginning of this month is always a little rough for me because of David. This year, though, it's been somewhat easier. I guess I've been keeping myself busy with house hunting, looking for a car, dealing with moving and Chris. But, in my down moments, few as they seem to be, I do sink down into that dark hole. I can't visit the cemetery on Monday, my birthday, because I won't have a car and since Kevin and Liz don't live here anymore, I can't ask them. So, I need to figure out a time to go this weekend. Things are getting better, and that pain I always associate with this month is lessening with each passing year, but it still gets to me sometimes.
Jealousy, it's not something you'd necessarily want in your significant other, but it happens. And, while I know it shouldn't, it kind of makes me smile when he says he's jealous of other guys I talk to. To know that he cares so much about me, to see me as his, his girlfriend, it's kind of a nice feeling. To know you're so loved and desired and wanted. It's silly, I know, but even so... I don't know. It's like how I am, I can be crazy jealous of other women, or people in general, who get to spend time with him when I don't. Who get to be there in his everyday life when I don't. A little jealousy is rather healthy, I guess. As long as it doesn't blow out of proportion and every male I talk to is seen as a potential threat or someone I'm secretly talking to on the side. I'm his, solely his. He's all I've wanted for such a long time.
I just realized it's August and that the tenth is only eight days away. Ugh. I don't want it, can we just skip right on by this year?
A friend had asked me why, if Chris and I were an item, we didn't make it "Facebook official." Like changing your status on Facebook is the only way to validate our relationship. It's not that he's ashamed or trying to hide it, like my friend was kind of hinting at, but we had discussed it and wanted to wait until we had pictures of us together to put up with it. Like, sure, neither of us think our relationship is any less of a relationship because, for the moment, it's all online, it's just that we want it to hold off until it's real and we've met in person. I want to be able to change my profile picture to one with he and I together, then change that silly status to "in a relationship with...", you know? I don't get the whole thing with Facebook. I mean, yeah, I get why girls kind of like to make things official there, but it's not like having people know you're dating someone is going to make much of a difference. I mean, really, who cares? If you're in a relationship, it's between you and your significant other, the whole world doesn't need to hear about it. He knows I'm his and he's mine, and our friends and family know we're together. It's not that big a deal to have it plastered on Facebook as well.
We stayed up until five this morning just talking. It was nice, enlightening. He told me some things I hadn't known before, talked a bit about his father and how he felt about his death. Things he hadn't really talked about with anyone before. He told me he'd been in prison twice, I had only known about the one time. He made some serious mistakes, but that's all past him. He told me how he gets jealous, which was completely new to me since he never appears that way when we're talking. I feel like we've gotten closer in these last few days than we were before. I really think he and I are a great match and it seems like he feels the same way. I don't really care to be seen as a possession, but it brings a smile to my face every time he says I'm his.
I just realized, that though we spend time together, and though we say the things couples are supposed to say, we're not actually a part of each other's lives. Like he's going to the movies tonight, to watch AntMan, and I'm going to be here, at home by myself. This won't be changed until we actually meet in person and actually get to do things together. I mean, we're clearly a part of each other's lives, but we're also separate from each other because of this stupid distance. Never has 250 miles seemed so far away than it does now. One day this won't be an issue, we'll be able to pull weekend visits and if all goes well, actually move in together, but for now, it sucks. It really, really sucks.
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