I can't help but push everyone away. I frustrated him tonight. It wasn't my intention, I just couldn't be what he wanted me to be. I never can quite meet those expectations. I'm always a disappointment on some level. I'll be lucky if he decides to ever talk to me again. And, it's not like I do this on purpose, it's not like I aim to be this fucking mute who can't voice her thoughts. It's just, after so long of keeping to myself, I find it so difficult to open up to anyone. And it never helps matters when answers are demanded from me. That just makes me shut down, lock myself away even more. I want to just disappear. Just cease to be. I don't want to die, that would involve inflicting pain on a whole lot of people, I just don't want to exist right now. I want to just vanish into nothing.
Just be your self. He likes you for YOU. Maybe talk with him and find out what is going on.
and, what expectations do you have of you?
and, you can't assume you know what he thinks.
you have to talk, if he really interests you.
remember, it's about acceptence of self and others.
Ah, when grown adults behave like children.
Change is hard, so hard. And it's terrifying. But, staying in the same place with no personal growth, that is far more terrifying. So, every day, I'm trying to change who I am. Nothing major, it's just step by step. Some days are worse than others, but slowly, I'm becoming someone i should have been for a long time now. I'm not perfect and I will screw up, I'll fall back to old habits because they are comfortable, but, still, I don't revert back for long. And, I'm proud of myself for it. Change is hard, but it's worth it.
You ever just say something out of anger, have the pieces fall, and then regret the outcome? You ever wish you could just take things back? So many things... The outcome of this whole situation, it isn't what I wanted. None of it is what I wanted, and yet, here we are. I'm the queen of fucking things up with the people I care about. Chris, Slain, Rob, Dan... Those bridges I set on fire and then, as I'm left with the ashes, I regret everything. Every word, every action that led to that point. I don't know how to be happy, I don't know how to just accept things, I don't know how to hold on to the people I love. I've been given second, third, fourth, chances with some people, but I fear this time it's done. That the book is closed now and forever. And it's all my fault.
I wrote something and then promptly deleted it. Because, honestly, what I have to say doesn't matter. What I feel about things doesn't matter. Nothing is going to change what's happened, nothing is going to undo what's been done. Too much time has passed, too many things were left unsaid, and far too much is broken at this point that it can't ever really be repaired. It's all just a horrible mockery of what was once something so perfect, so pure.
Fuck emotion. Fuck love. Far too much disappointment and pain comes about because I think I'm in love with a person.
It's never the right person at the right time. Never. Things alway have to be so fucking complicated.
I've taken to spending a few hours of each night in Davon's Watch in ESO. And, due to that, I've managed to meet some pretty interesting guys. It's nice, just being able to talk nonsense about the game, or real life stuff, without having to worry about getting dragged into dungeons or Trials with my guild. Plus, I have to admit, they make me laugh with the play flirting. One of them bought a Pledge of Mara, the ceremony that allows your character to marry another, and proposed to me. Like, he actually spent ten dollars of real money to buy the crowns needed to buy the pledge. I didn't accept, I only have my characters married to Chris', but it was kind of funny and flattering all the same. It's nice to have people to talk and hang out with like that in game, since Chris is always too busy to do so anymore.
I like ebonheart. Meet a few cool people. I even had on follow me for like 15 min while i killed the people at the docks.
Good for you. In my personal experience, Ebonheart is always pretty dead and a fairly boring place to be. That's why I never go there.
After watching what has been made available to us from Bungie regarding Destiny, I've gotta say, I'm pretty excited about Rise of Iron. Well, I'm usually always excited about the new DLCs, but this time... This time it looks like they did everything right. The raid looks pretty awesome, the armor... Well, everything but the Titan stuff looks cool, well, some Titan stuff looks cool, other bits, not so much... The new artifacts and enemies and relics. It's all pretty awesome. And, finally after three years, they are putting out private PvP matchmaking. So, yeah, it all looks like it's going to be worth it, for once.
Tonight was the longest I've been logged in on this site in months. It was weird and never would have happened, had things not needed clarification in the Box. It's funny how things have changed. A few years ago three hours here would have been on the low end. I guess my priorities have shifted, the whole being an actual adult thing has helped me break away from the hold this site used to have on me.
I'm hanging out with my mom's side of the family, having a little barbecue at my eldest cousin's new house. It's funny, I've realized how much of an outsider I am with these people. I used to be so close to my eldest cousin, Chris. My brother and I grew up with him, spent all our free time at my aunt Sue's house, of all my cousins, he's the one I always connected with. And now, now he's a stranger. And, I don't know, I get left out of things they all do together. My younger cousin, Brenna, has sort of just slipped in and become the one they all rather hang out with. I don't know...it feels kind of shitty to be replaceable in your own family. To have nothing in common with these people, to not be the one they talk to or want to hang out with outside of family get-togethers. I feel like if I just slipped out of the house and went home, the only real person who would notice is my aunt Sue.
"The human animal is a beautiful and terrible creature, capable of limitless compassion and unfathomable cruelty. If you wish to find that which becomes the dividing line between mankind and other biological classifications, it rests not in brain size, dominance, or even emotional capability. It lies within the innate capacity for human beings to reflect on their actions, and show regret. It is most certainly the ability to empathize that gives them their position. All mammals understand love and affection, but only man shows a propensity to place himself into the shoes of another life-form. Losing this capability, among individuals of the species, reduces them below their much heralded position, and readies the climate for the likely fall of man. A fall from grace."
Humans are stupid, stupid creatures.
As far as things go, this actually wasn't so bad of a birthday. Despite the rocky start I had with Chris, we talked a bit and sorted things out. I'm too melodramatic when it comes to him. I always see the absolute worst and lash out. But, for whatever reason, he's stuck it out with me for this long. That boy is something else, truly. I miss what things used to be like with us, and it often gets to me when I don't actually speak to him for days, when everything is just via text and messages on Facebook or Xbox. But, I have to remember that things are different between us at the moment, and he doesn't have to talk. To me every day, he has his own stuff to focus on too. I'm selfish in wanting to monopolize all his time. So, I'm glad things are at least on stable ground with him again. My mom took me out to dinner, just me and her. It was nice. She then got me ColdStone for a treat, since I didn't want to do the whole birthday cake thing. The gift card from Sam and Mario still made me smile, I got Rise of Iron pre-ordered and there was some money left over to spend in ESO, since that has a new DLC coming out soon as well. I never did hear from my brother, and my dad never wished me a happy birthday, but a lot of my other family members sent me texts and Facebook messages. I may feel like I'm in the same place I was last year, going nowhere with my life, but then I remember that I've given myself a future in a career field I really enjoy. So, while I'm doing nothing right now, it's simply because I'm waiting for certification. Once that gets to me my life will do a complete turn around. So, I'm not where I was before. I've actually done something with myself. So, it's been a good day. Not great, but that's to be expected. Here's to the last year of my 20's.
I'm probably going to be changing the name and overhauling ForwardUntoDawn in the coming days. It's just not me anymore. I want something closer to who I am, not just a name picked from a video game franchise that has disappointed me. I still haven't finished Halo 5... But yeah, I'm probably going to use my gamertag as the new name. So, things to do that involve getting on an actual computer.
You know, despite the fact that I may have permanently lost the single most important person in my life today because I'm an idiot, I do still have friends who care about me. Mario and Sam got me an Xbox gift card so that I can pre-order Destiny's new DLC, Rise of Iron, that comes out next month. So, I'm grateful for that and for them. They had no obligation to get me anything, as I'm just some chick on Xbox they occasionally play with and talk to. Things aren't so bad, despite the way that I currently feel. Also, I'm thankful for all the people who've thus far wished me a happy birthday on Facebook or in text. These things make me smile, and they remind me that there are still people who care about me. Even if it's just enough to say happy birthday on a website. It's the time taken and the thought behind it that matters.
I find it extremely hard to be social here anymore. I can barely muster a few words in response to most messages I receive that aren't directly site related. It's not that I don't care about the things people message me, it's just that, well, no, I guess I don't really care. I don't care about the mundane bullshit people throw my way. Why? Because I'm not emotionally invested in people here like I used to be. And those I am, they have alternate ways of reaching me.
My online presence as a whole has really dropped from where it once was. It's not just here, it's Facebook as well. I just don't really care what most people have to say. Right now I'm just pretty apathetic towards everything. Things will change, I'm sure, but for now, this is where I'm at. I just don't care about your life, your nonsense. I can't even pretend to care anymore. It's too much effort for no real reward.
I finally got around to watching Netflix's Stranger Things. I hadn't really read anything about it or paid much attention, so I didn't really know what to expect going in aside from my mother telling me it was chalk full of 80s nostalgia. The soundtrack, all the synth, just made me think of Daft Punk and the Tron: Legacy soundtrack, which isn't at all bad. They tapped into the 80s on that one and it was awesome. So, I really enjoyed that whole aspect. The story was paced perfecrly, I'm glad that they opted for an 8 episode season and didn't drag it out over more episodes. Overall, it was very enjoyable. The acting was wonderful, all the actors, children and adult alike were just really, really good. The story was the perfect blend of sci-fi and horror. It left you wanting more. And while there were some unanswered questions at the end, I'm really hopping they don't ruin it with another season. Hemlock Grove, for example, was good the first season, every consecutive season, however, not so much. And I think Netflix really has a problem with recapturing what made the first season of their shows awesome. They try to ride on that and kind of just ruin the entire show. So, while I know there is talk of a season 2, I'm sincerely hoping it is just that, talk. I can't see anything they try to create leaving me as satisfied as these 8 episodes did.
It's on my list of things to watch.
This show was pretty great. Really curious to see what season 2 will look like too, but I liked that the ending didn't feel cliffhanger-y despite leaving a few questions unanswered. Only thing that bugged me was how much of a carbon copy of "Alien" the monster was.
My birthday is Wednesday, I'm going to be 29... I don't know how to feel about that.