My eldest cousin, Chris, invited me to his New Years Eve party. I'm debating if I want to go. On one hand, it gets me out of here and out with people. On the other, I'm still kind of sick, and I wouldn't drink, as I'd have to drive home. Spend time with family and friends, or stay home with Xbox and Halo. Decisions, decisions.
Whatever choice I make, I'll be on my own. So, do I want to wallow in the loneliness by myself, or go out and try to play social with others? Honestly, neither option sounds all that appealing.
I'll be your biggest mistake...
I'm selfish, unkind, uncaring, and manipulative. I'll take what I want from you, leaving you little to nothing in return. I'll pretend to care about you until I grow bored, then it's off to seek new prey. The game is my own, and I'm so very good at playing it. You'll never know the rules, and by the time you figure it all out, it's too late. I'll be sweet and innocent, coy and demure, all to reel you in. But once I've caught you, my personality will do a complete 180. You'll be left wondering where that girl you met went, whether she even existed at all. Word to the wise, she doesn't exist. She could never exist. She is a lie, a mask. For her to exist, be real, I'd have to actually care even the slightest about you. And, well, we all know I'm incapable of that. Oh, I'll say the words, those three little words, but to me they hold no meaning. Empty. It's just another tick, another falsehood. It's all fiction. I'm a sociopath, unable to comprehend that what I'm doing is wrong. Unable to feel anything towards anyone. I'm just pretending.
Fools and liars are always the quickest to pass judgement. I could write pages on how and why their opinions are so wrong, but then, you've heard it from me before.
Doesn't mean that opinion has changed though. I at least, am still in your corner, regardless of the wishes or opinions of others.
As for people who pass their little judgements on you without truly knowing who you are...why even waste a journal entry on them? You're better than that, and you know it. =^.^=
Oh, there's that self loathing. I wondered where I had misplaced it...
I had a good Christmas. Not so much because of the gifts, though I finally did bust open my Xbox One, but because of who I spent it with. My aunt Sue was down from Arizona this year so we did Christmas Eve at her house for the first time in about ten years. Everyone was there except my younger cousin Matthew and my grandmother. But even so, it was nice. It brought back memories of when I was a kid and my brother and I would spend our Christmas break at her house. Opening presents at midnight. I missed that, so it was great to be able to revisit the tradition. Christmas day, as usual, was spent with my dad's family, and that was fun as well. Small and intimate and wonderful.
Tomorrow it's back to my aunt Sue's house. My cousin Matthew is flying in from Wyoming today, so she wants to do a little celebration with the whole family.
I need to stop. It gets me nowhere to carry on so. I need to stop. I need to just let go and walk away from the ashes, not continue to disturb them. I did too much to ever hope to get back what was lost. I need to accept that fact. It's my doing, I need to understand that it can't be fixed with stupid words, no matter how heartfelt and sincere they may be. Sometimes things are just too broken to be fixed. I need to stop...
The silence says more than any words ever could.
Life seems to be taking a ton of unforseen turns for me these days. It's not a bad thing, just something I'm not exactly ready for. But, I'm embracing this, eager to see where it gets me.
That's the kind of day I had.
That is all.
I caved and I bought the Destiny Expansion Pass yesterday, since all my friends were getting the expansion and I wanted to run through things with them. Man, new missions make that whole game feel like new again it's refreshing. Granted, it's gonna get old fast again, with the repetitiveness, but for now it's fun. We also attempted the raid and, well, yeah... That was difficult, to say the least. I was up until about four just messing around on it. It's gonna be fun maxing everything out again at the new level cap.
Xbox Live is down. Again. I suppose I can't complain, it doesn't get hacked half as much as the Playstaion network does. It's just annoying, as I was in the middle of the raid.
It's down? Thought it was my internet connection ;_;
Yeah, it's down. Lizard Squad or whatever is taking credit for knocking it offline.
Yay! it's up again
Lizard Douches also brought Steam down. Ah well. It doesn't bother me so much, as my internet is barely 'playable' right now, but ugh.
I hope both Steam and Microsoft get a handle on it.
I threw the idea out there into the wild. Only time will tell how it's received. I can only hope for positivity, but, well, we shall see.
Sometimes things are just better left unsaid, actions better left undone. Reality, it hits pretty damn hard.
I still can't log into my ForwardUntoDawn account. I haven't received an email from the system about the password reset, nor have I heard back from Cancer. I know he's a busy man, and I'm really in no rush, it would just be nice to be able to access all my accounts, you know? And patience is something I seriously lack. Eh, I'll just wait. It's not like I have anything important on that profile, it's not involved in anything time sensitive.
|World Visitor Map|