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immortalxkiss's Journal


immortalxkiss's Journal

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24 entries this month
 

21:49 Dec 31 2014
Times Read: 1,070


My eldest cousin, Chris, invited me to his New Years Eve party. I'm debating if I want to go. On one hand, it gets me out of here and out with people. On the other, I'm still kind of sick, and I wouldn't drink, as I'd have to drive home. Spend time with family and friends, or stay home with Xbox and Halo. Decisions, decisions.


Whatever choice I make, I'll be on my own. So, do I want to wallow in the loneliness by myself, or go out and try to play social with others? Honestly, neither option sounds all that appealing.


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09:12 Dec 31 2014
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21:53 Dec 29 2014
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21:24 Dec 28 2014
Times Read: 1,128


I'll be your biggest mistake...


I'm selfish, unkind, uncaring, and manipulative. I'll take what I want from you, leaving you little to nothing in return. I'll pretend to care about you until I grow bored, then it's off to seek new prey. The game is my own, and I'm so very good at playing it. You'll never know the rules, and by the time you figure it all out, it's too late. I'll be sweet and innocent, coy and demure, all to reel you in. But once I've caught you, my personality will do a complete 180. You'll be left wondering where that girl you met went, whether she even existed at all. Word to the wise, she doesn't exist. She could never exist. She is a lie, a mask. For her to exist, be real, I'd have to actually care even the slightest about you. And, well, we all know I'm incapable of that. Oh, I'll say the words, those three little words, but to me they hold no meaning. Empty. It's just another tick, another falsehood. It's all fiction. I'm a sociopath, unable to comprehend that what I'm doing is wrong. Unable to feel anything towards anyone. I'm just pretending.




This is what I hear in regards to myself far too often. Yet, it's only here, never in my reality, that people throw these words at me. That in itself speaks volumes to how real any of the above is. The "truth" is only how those from the outside see it. If you got to know me, really got to know me, off and away from this little world we've created for ourselves online, you would understand. You would see that I'm not the monster so many paint me as. So many people who know nothing about me, my life, are able to pass such harsh judgement based solely on how I handle myself here. If you base your ideas of a person merely on what's said in a journal, or off second hand information from those who think they know, you're doing that person a great injustice. I don't aim to change minds, though. I have no desire to show anyone here more than they've already seen. And, well, I suppose that only perpetuates the belief that I really am like described above. But, well, as you're not real to me, none of you are real to me, I guess what you think doesn't matter in the slightest. So, please, carry on the way you do, be content in the fact that you think you have any real idea. I won't argue the facts with you, I've no patience for it.

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NITEOWL47
NITEOWL47
02:26 Dec 29 2014

Fools and liars are always the quickest to pass judgement. I could write pages on how and why their opinions are so wrong, but then, you've heard it from me before.



Doesn't mean that opinion has changed though. I at least, am still in your corner, regardless of the wishes or opinions of others.



As for people who pass their little judgements on you without truly knowing who you are...why even waste a journal entry on them? You're better than that, and you know it. =^.^=





 

10:33 Dec 28 2014
Times Read: 1,138


Oh, there's that self loathing. I wondered where I had misplaced it...


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02:42 Dec 28 2014
Times Read: 1,161


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20:03 Dec 26 2014
Times Read: 1,189


It's by no means an ideal situation, but fuck, if I'm not just so hopelessly addicted.


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ladykate
ladykate
21:08 Dec 26 2014

addicted to what exactly....





 

19:05 Dec 26 2014
Times Read: 1,197


I had a good Christmas. Not so much because of the gifts, though I finally did bust open my Xbox One, but because of who I spent it with. My aunt Sue was down from Arizona this year so we did Christmas Eve at her house for the first time in about ten years. Everyone was there except my younger cousin Matthew and my grandmother. But even so, it was nice. It brought back memories of when I was a kid and my brother and I would spend our Christmas break at her house. Opening presents at midnight. I missed that, so it was great to be able to revisit the tradition. Christmas day, as usual, was spent with my dad's family, and that was fun as well. Small and intimate and wonderful.


Tomorrow it's back to my aunt Sue's house. My cousin Matthew is flying in from Wyoming today, so she wants to do a little celebration with the whole family.


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00:35 Dec 24 2014
Times Read: 1,220


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23:12 Dec 22 2014
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00:59 Dec 22 2014
Times Read: 1,277


I wish I could go back to the time when I was ignorant. When I didn't know the truth of the situation. It all makes so much sense now...


I may be in my late twenties, but I am still so horribly naïve.


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ladykate
ladykate
21:08 Dec 26 2014

welcome to the real world.





 

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23:17 Dec 17 2014
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21:10 Dec 17 2014
Times Read: 1,331


I need to stop. It gets me nowhere to carry on so. I need to stop. I need to just let go and walk away from the ashes, not continue to disturb them. I did too much to ever hope to get back what was lost. I need to accept that fact. It's my doing, I need to understand that it can't be fixed with stupid words, no matter how heartfelt and sincere they may be. Sometimes things are just too broken to be fixed. I need to stop...


The silence says more than any words ever could.


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ladykate
ladykate
21:10 Dec 26 2014

sometimes it's not words, and everything has a way of playing out





 

20:58 Dec 17 2014
Times Read: 1,338



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23:18 Dec 15 2014
Times Read: 1,357


Life seems to be taking a ton of unforseen turns for me these days. It's not a bad thing, just something I'm not exactly ready for. But, I'm embracing this, eager to see where it gets me.


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12:31 Dec 13 2014
Times Read: 1,384


Oh heart, how you flutter so.


Stop that.


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Theodora
Theodora
18:41 Dec 13 2014

A dangerous but GOOD feeling.





Oddity
Oddity
21:57 Dec 13 2014

Don't worry, I've heard that stops after a few years. ;p





 

01:33 Dec 11 2014
Times Read: 1,393


Blah.

That's the kind of day I had.

That is all.

Just blah.


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18:28 Dec 09 2014
Times Read: 1,412


I caved and I bought the Destiny Expansion Pass yesterday, since all my friends were getting the expansion and I wanted to run through things with them. Man, new missions make that whole game feel like new again it's refreshing. Granted, it's gonna get old fast again, with the repetitiveness, but for now it's fun. We also attempted the raid and, well, yeah... That was difficult, to say the least. I was up until about four just messing around on it. It's gonna be fun maxing everything out again at the new level cap.


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22:06 Dec 07 2014
Times Read: 1,426


This ain't no place for no hero.

This ain't no place for no better man.

This ain't no place for no hero to call home.

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01:27 Dec 06 2014
Times Read: 1,461


Xbox Live is down. Again. I suppose I can't complain, it doesn't get hacked half as much as the Playstaion network does. It's just annoying, as I was in the middle of the raid.


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SilenceSoothes
SilenceSoothes
01:42 Dec 06 2014

It's down? Thought it was my internet connection ;_;





immortalxkiss
immortalxkiss
01:45 Dec 06 2014

Yeah, it's down. Lizard Squad or whatever is taking credit for knocking it offline.





SilenceSoothes
SilenceSoothes
01:53 Dec 06 2014

Yay! it's up again





Owlish
Owlish
03:27 Dec 06 2014

Lizard Douches also brought Steam down. Ah well. It doesn't bother me so much, as my internet is barely 'playable' right now, but ugh.

I hope both Steam and Microsoft get a handle on it.





 

10:27 Dec 04 2014
Times Read: 1,481


I threw the idea out there into the wild. Only time will tell how it's received. I can only hope for positivity, but, well, we shall see.


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13:29 Dec 03 2014
Times Read: 1,497


Sometimes things are just better left unsaid, actions better left undone. Reality, it hits pretty damn hard.


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00:48 Dec 02 2014
Times Read: 1,524


I still can't log into my ForwardUntoDawn account. I haven't received an email from the system about the password reset, nor have I heard back from Cancer. I know he's a busy man, and I'm really in no rush, it would just be nice to be able to access all my accounts, you know? And patience is something I seriously lack. Eh, I'll just wait. It's not like I have anything important on that profile, it's not involved in anything time sensitive.


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PRIVATE ENTRY

10:26 Dec 01 2014
Times Read: 1,541


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