Well that was the best news I have probably received since all of this began. I'm one step closer.
Yay! I was finally able to set an appointment. It only took like, a month and a half. Sheesh. Well, it doesn't matter. The first step is taken care of, and right now that's what I need to focus on. The rest will fall into place after tomorrow. I'm excited that things are being set into motion once more.
So. Freaking. Tired.
Ugh... I need a nap.
I love how music can just speak to the soul, touch you in such a way that few other things can. I've been listening to BPM on Sirius all day and the songs have just put me into a fantastic mood. Add great company to that when hanging out on XBL, and it's the makings of a wonderful evening. New friends and old companions who just make you smile and laugh are the absolute best.
You know what makes me happy? Fantastic days like today. I've had a smile on my lips the whole day, it's been nice.
Be patient... If you only knew... I am being patient. Far more patient than I would to be with pretty much anyone else. But it doesn't make it any easier. Not for me. Especially since patience is one Virtue I've never had a firm grip of. I am more the instant gratification type of person, so this being patient thing, it's not easy going. But I'm trying. I'm trying so hard not to lose it, because I don't want to lose this.
My life choices are my own. It's rather sad that I have to even state that. What I chose to do, whomever I choose to love, these decisions are mine and mine alone to make. Until you've lived my life, walked in my shoes, found out all the details of the situation, you have no real right to judge me for how I deal with things. Sure, maybe choices and actions I commit to aren't something you'd do or agree with, but again, until you know the whole situation, you have no real right to condemn me for doing those things. We all walk our own paths. Instead of focusing so intently on mine, why not pay attention to your own.
Ever say something so unbelievably stupid, knowing it's going to make you seem crazy, but you still say it anyway? Yeah... I just did that. And I think I've made myself out to look like some crazy stalker person in their eyes. Fuck.
And I'm done. Just done. So done.
I hate myself...
We hate you also lulz jk don't even know you. Nah gonna hate you on principle ;)~
Been following your entries offline a bit. You shouldn't beat yourself up.
no need to beat yourself up
i sometimes feel the same way
I really am an idiot sometimes.
I feel like I've just lost something important.
I'll never learn. Ever. It's far better for me to keep my thoughts to myself. That way it's far harder for me to make a fool of myself, for me to ruin everything I've built. My mind, it's my undoing.
I finally got to see Into the Woods today, and I absolutely loved it. Meryl Streep was fantastic as the Witch, and the others were great as well. The song, "Agony", just was so great. So freaking great. I was laughing the whole time as the princes tried to show each other up in who was feeling more tortured. And Johnny Depp's song was so utterly creepy in that skin crawling kind of way. So reminiscent of a pedophile the way it was written about him desiring to make a meal out of poor little Red Riding Hood. I want to see the actual musical it was based off of now. I love that it was Grimms' fairy tales and not so much the Disney versions. Because while I do love Disney and their happily ever after, I do prefer a little reality and darkness from the original stories.
Take what you can get, even if it's not your ideal. Because things can change, the future is not set in stone.
So... Why does it feel like this will be all it ever is? Is it so wrong of me to desire more?
You bring trouble upon yourself when you put your faith in those who've been shown time and time again that they should not be trusted. Some people will never, ever change.
In the end I'm not here as your friend. I'm not your compadre, your confidant. Please, don't ever believe otherwise. I don't care about you, about your troubles, your issues, your life. I don't have any interest in whom you desire, those whom you want to make your own. In the end I'm here for me. As selfish as that may be to you, that's the simple truth to it. I'm here solely for myself. This is the avenue I use to reach out when I need to, to vent when I have to, free from the eyes of those who know me best, those who may take offense from my words.
Don't ever think I have any interest in being something substantial to you. I've been there, I've done that, I know it never ends well for anyone involved. So, I shut that door, bared the windows, turned out the lights. I'll not answer should you come knocking. I'll peek out on occasion, just to see what's going on, but for the most part I am here for one purpose only. And it has nothing to do with you. Should my attitude on the matter change, though I aim to ensure that it doesn't, I'll let you know. But for now, and the foreseeable future, I'm not here for you. I don't care, I have no interest. I'll stay behind my walls, behind this door, content with what I've made for myself here.
I'm listening to the news going on and on about how cold it is in the rest of the nation. It really makes me appreciate where I live, as it is currently a nice 82 degrees outside. I hear all the negative numbers and mid or lower teens and I shudder at the thought. Granted, this is not what January is supposed to feel like, but I'll take it over most other temperatures.
My parents got me a pair of Uggs boots for Christmas because apparently they are hopelessly optimistic that I will turn into my sister-in-law in regards to fashion. I have never been a fan of Uggs shoes, I don't see the point to them, especially here in SoCal. They are a status symbol, nothing more. And well, I could not care less about all of that nonsense. So, I'm up bright and early to go and return them. My dad bought them out at Cabazon, out in the desert near Palm Springs. I feel bad about it, I really do. But it would be pointless for me to keep a pair of shoes I will never, ever wear. I appreciate the thought that went into the gift, if not the actual gift itself. I think I'm gonna have to stop at GameStop and get some games for my One as the replacement.
Upon returning them I was asked six times if I was sure. Apparently the style my dad got me was really popular. I wonder if I had kept them if I could have gotten more than the price paid by selling them on Ebay or something. Meh.
I was in the computer for the first time since late August/early September, last night. I hung out on webcam here for about forty minutes. It was uneventful, probably because it was so late when I got on. Let me tell you, I do not miss the days and nights where I spent hours here. I may miss the people who kept me company, but not any of the time. I can't believe how much time I used to spend on my laptop. Honestly, the fact that it died is quite possibly the best thing to have happened. I don't need it to connect with people anymore. It is no longer my crutch.
So begins a new year. Hopefully I can make more of this coming year than I did of the last. Change won't happen unless I make it so. And I aim to change a whole lot in my life.
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|Weigh-in Progress: 224 lbs.|
That is all for now.