Oh! The Mark of Shame is finally coming! And, you know, yay for the other stuff, but that Mark, that's what I'm eager to see. I wonder who gets to be shamed first. It's bad that I just have Shame. Shame. Shame. *bell ring* Shame. Shame. Shame. *bell ring* from Game of Thrones going through my head now. Can that be a thing, too? Somehow just implement that sound clip into the Mark of Shame. Oh, it would be glorious!
In non-awesome real life news, I've been doing my externship for the past few days. It's definitely been a learning experience for me. Real life, real patients, it's so very different from a classroom setting and drawing from people who are training with you. And, being on my feet for eight hours a day is getting so hard. I really need to invest in a good pair of comfortable shoes so I don't feel like it would just be easier to chop my feet off at the end of each day. I actually like where I'm at, though. The people in the office are super nice. I haven't really met the doctors, and I'm pretty sure I won't before my time is up. I don't think they really care to interact with the lowly extern. It's been a little difficult, though, since the patients tend to be predominantly Hispanic and tend to only speak Spanish. I am a failure of a Spanish/Mexican person, I know only the simplest words in Spanish, and none that really help me do my job. So, that' s probably the only really sucky part of all of this. Otherwise, I'm starting to get the hang of things and I don't screw up that often anymore. I do still make mistakes, and today I made a poor little girl cry, but, I guess that just comes with being new to the field. Hopefully I'll get better with children.
Honestly, I'm so afraid that there is something seriously wrong with me internally. I'm scared. I'm really scared that there might be something horribly wrong with parts of me. But, the shit part of all of this is, that while I want to see a doctor and get some answers, I can't without forking over tons of money on medical bills because I presently do not have insurance. I want to cry. I really do. Because I just keep reading things online and thinking how it could be cancer. How it probably is cancer. And there's nothing I can do about it. I'm terrified. I'm so fucking terrified right now. Because what if it is? What if it is and I can't do anything about it until it's too late? What if it leaves me infertile? What if I'm slowly dying? I don't want anything to be wrong...but this isn't normal. And I'm scared.
are you by chance a hypochondriac, my uncle was and would always read medical books and would swear he had those problems
Not in the least. I'm not just reading and finding things wrong with me. There is some unusual stuff I'm dealing with, stuff that is not in any way normal for me. So, it has me a tad on edge. I've never been like this before and that is what's frightening.
I know my body and I know when something is out of whack. And something most definitely is wrong here. This isn't me just freaking out over nothing, I'm not the type to think things are medically wrong with me, because by all accounts, I am pretty damn healthy. So, if I'm afraid, there's a real, solid reason behind that fear like there is now.
It would have been a year yesterday...
I'm seriously thinking about pre-ordering the new Xbox One S. I know, seems like a waste of $300, as I already have an Xbox One, and the One S is really not that much of an upgrade from the current system. But, dammit, it's smaller and white and with the 4k capabilities and 2tb aspect, I am finding it hard not to say to Microsoft, "shut up and take my money!" I know it's also stupid as there is another Xbox coming in 2017 and getting the One S would just be silly, but, I want to be silly... Plus, I'm looking into investing in a nice 4k TV, so, I mean, would it really be a waste? Probably, but even so, it's something I'm considering. And then I could always sell my current Xbox One to some unlucky soul who hasn't been able to upgrade their console yet.
You should get the oculus rift with the money you going to pay out for the new Xbox One S and for the 4k TV.
Thing is, the current Xbox cannot run VR, and I don't have a computer powerful enough to do so while having it look as it should. So, the money spent on the Oculus would be more of a waste to me than the money spent on the One S and TV.
Besides, I'm not the biggest fan of VR as it presently stands. I was around for the big craze back in the 90's and it didn't impress me then, either. I can't justify spending $600 on something I'm not thrilled about owning, you know?
The old VR technology was fun but rather clumsy in the 90's. I am buying another console as soon as possible my Xbox 360 is not cutting it and my PS4 died after the warranty expired. Died due to a serious power surge. However, I enjoy the better graphics and increased power of the new consoles. Not a cheap hobby but well worth it.
I watched the Twitch reveal Bungie did for the newest Destiny DLC that's to come out in late September. It all looks pretty awesome from what little they allowed to be shown. And, they are bringing back Gjallarhorn, probably the best weapon from all of year one. I know a lot of people who are happy about that. I'm not so much, since it seems that they're just handing the weapon out to everyone, like they have been with all exotics these days. It was something else to actually get Gjallarhorn as a real drop from the raid or Nightfall, or in my case, end loot from Iron Banner, the excitement we all had the first time we saw it pop up on our screens... And Bungie is taking that away. I understand why, I just don't really agree with it. Also, what I am pleased with, is that it's going to be exclusive to current gen only, as in Xbox One and the PS4. The PS3 and 360 won't get access to the new DLC, and I feel like it's the right move to make. Those systems are what, a decade old now? It's about time Bungie dropped them for the current systems. And, yeah, I know, so many people are going to bitch about not being able to afford a new console, but really, if you can't afford the system that's already a few years old by now, maybe you should just stop playing video games. It's not a cheap hobby, and clearly you can't afford it. Companies and games should not be held back because you can't afford a PS4 or a One. Speaking of, I got some insider information on what Xbox will be dropping at E3, and it's all pretty awesome. I love having a friend who works for Microsoft.
But yeah, I'm eager for the new DLC, it'll give me a reason to play Destiny again. Well, at least until I hit max light and get all the things. I haven't really been playing it much these days as I have nothing to do on my characters. If I do actually play it, not just run around killing people in Crucible, it's usually only to help someone else, or to run someone else's account through he raid or whatever. I haven't had a real need to play it for at least two months. Too bad September is still so far away.
In my 28 years on this spinning blue rock, I've said "I love you" to more people than I probably should have. And, while at the time I did mean it, I feel as though I have only really been in love, so fully and completely, with one person. Brannan. I don't say this to demean any of my past relationships, but nothing had ever compared to the way Brannan made me feel. Hell, I moved to an entirely different state for him, I was willing to give up everything I had here for him. I wanted a life, a future, a family with him. I saw it, and I craved it. He made me feel like I was so completely loved and cared for, in his own way. And, while he and I had issues, serious issues that eventually became too much to put on a relationship, I still care about him, I still very much love him. And no, it's not that firey inferno it once was, but that spark is still there. It will always be there. I say all this because it's the same feeling I have when it comes to Chris. It's why I don't just get up and walk away. It's why I stick it out, just being his friend, even though it kills me sometimes. Because what I had with Brannan, I have with him. I see a future with him, I see a life I could be so happy with, with him by my side. The way he makes me feel, I swear, he brings out the best in me. His voice send shivers down my spine, his laughter is intoxicating, his smile, so contagious. He makes me want to be a better person. The way I miss him when we don't speak, the way a text message or a message on Xbox makes me smile... It all means something. We aren't together, no, and I honestly don't know if we ever will be given that second chance, but I will wait as long as it takes to find out. It may make me look silly, or weak, or like I'm banking everything on a single guy when there are so many other people out there in the world I could meet, but, I can't give him up. I can't give up the way he makes me feel. And while it isn't all sunshine and happiness, I'll take it all in stride, just to have him there. Just to be able to share some aspect of my life with him. Because I love him. So completely. So hopelessly. So wholly. I love him.
I have to say, I fucking hate when this happens...
Honestly, I'm insanely lucky with some of the friendships I've made through Xbox. Insanely lucky. My friend Mario is getting me a new controller, since my current one is going to absolute shit in my hands. He works for Microsoft so he gets them at a discount, which is nice. But yeah, a new controller for free. And it's this really pretty shade they call Dusk Shadow, this metallic blue that fades to black. It's absolutely lovely. He also offered to pay for a flawless run in Trials of Osiris in Destiny. That's like, a $60 thing that happens. I turned that down, it's just too much. But, I can't say no to a new controller. Him, Sam, Hagz, Gonzo, even Tim and Dave, they are all super freaking awesome. And they aren't after anything from me, they are just genuinely good friends. I wish I lived closer to them, as Sam did invite me to his bachelor party which is going to be down in Florida. It would be awesome if I could actually make that a thing that happens. But, with trying to sort things out here as far as work goes, it's not really a possibility.
Sometimes I feel like the only people who are truly active here, aside from the Admin team, are just five or six people with a hundred accounts each just yelling and starting shit with one another.
I seriously cannot wait for the 26th. It just needs to get here already. I'm so amped to get this ball rolling.