Everything is broken. And I don't know if I want to even try to fix the pieces at this point. I can only do so much by myself...
We've fallen into this easy routine, he and I. It's not the whirlwind romance that it was in the beginning, and he doesn't say he loves me all the time like he used to, but, I don't mind. Things have settled down between us and for that I'm grateful. And, when he does say those words, it makes it that much more special each time. I'll take this any day over what it used to be. Because with this, I know he cares, and it's not something that has to be stated everything we speak. I'm not doubting him or unsure of what's on his mind. Six months is coming up pretty fast, it's hard to believe that such an amount of time has already passed between us. It makes me smile.
I just found out our cat, Mongo, has cancer. He had to go in and get a few tumors removed, one was fine, the other was cancerous. They said they got the entire mass out, but it could have spread to other areas already, we won't know unless we do a bunch of tests and x-rays and such. Which, sadly, we do not have the money for. So, we can only really hope for the best. He's lived a happy life, and while it would suck to lose a personality like his, when it's his time we can't do anything about it.
I wanted to post out this long, detailed journal entry about certain things in my life, but after I had, I deleted it all. I feel like it's not really something I should share with the world. And marking it private still feels like it's too public. Writing it out did help a little, some form of therapy, but I still don't feel great about things. I don't know. This entry was pointless.
Things may not always be easy, he and I may argue and feelings may get hurt, but in the end, I'd not take a moment of it back. Him being in my life has really made me happier than I've been in a long time. I am so thankful I've had the chance to get to know him, to have his love, his affection, to simply be able to say he's mine. I love that boy. I love him immensely.
I just saw on Image's Facebook about Sahahria's passing. I didn't know her well, but she always welcomed me in House Eternal and was always such a lovely person. She will be missed. And, I am so sorry for her family, for those here who knew her far better than I, loss is never easy. She was truly a wonderful person, and I am sorry I never got to know her better. Rest peacefully, dear lady.
I'm going to be in Arizona for the next five days or so. It's going to be lovely. That distance, it's getting to be less and less by the day.
We're going to be one of those couples... With two tvs set up side by side, one for each Xbox. And we'll be playing Destiny and ESO together, side by side. And he'll likely steal my headset, since he manages to always break his, which would make for some funny and interesting party chats with our clan mates. I can see it all now. And, I'm pretty sure I'll love every minute of it.
Suddenly, the idea of moving to Las Vegas doesn't seem so horrible.
I think... I think we will survive. I just have to remind myself not to constantly go down that all too familiar road, because once I do, I'll lose him. I don't want to lose him. He's my happiness. I need to change, I've known it for a long time, I've just never really worked on it. But I need to now. Who I am, who I've been in the past, it's not healthy. I need to break that cycle, pull myself away from what I have always considered familiar. I need to be a better person. Not just for us, not just for him. For me. Most importantly for me. I've kept myself in this...horrible state for far too long. I've hurt myself emotionally, stunted my own growth as a person. I can't do it anymore. I can't be that person and expect to live a healthy, stable life. If I don't change, I'll always be sabotaging myself, pulling myself backwards from any progress I may make in life. I need to change.
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