EstrangedOne's Journal


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This Does Not Usually Happen... And Honestly, The Damn Frustration... ((Yes, I Redid This One.))

16:22 Sep 22 2023
Times Read: 72

I decided to redo this one, since something weird happened on my end (go figure), and I can't figure it out to save my life.

I stated earlier, that while I don't know how frequently it happens with others, this is not something happens with me. At least, I can guarantee it isn't "normal" for me. After today, I might be taking a few-days hiatus from the Rave. I'm not sure, at the moment.

You know those situations in life, in which you somehow many to mix up the details of ONE day or situation for Another, entirely different, even if it's the same place, with the same person? Well, I had such a mix-up happen to my mind, last night, and it has basically grinding on my nerves and grinding my mind, all night and (so far), all morning. Honestly, in my mind, it's one of those things that makes me look and feel like a liar, and anyone who knows me in the least knows what my take on That is. I hate liars and I hate lying, myself, even if I have to, for whatever reason. But really, the fact that I managed to confuse two different scenarios, just last night, and realized it, perhaps a little too late... that shit bothers the Hell out of me. But I suppose, that is what I get for not writing about things that have happened, be it as a journal, or a song, or what-have-you.

I know my mind functions on a completely different level from others, but this is just ridiculous.
Make no mistake about it, I really don't care or wish to explain myself to others. I don't care if they want some manner of explanation. And as I've pointed out before, I also don't change or shift myself, or my mindset, from what people see of an online profile to being in person or what have you.
So, when I know that I'm getting something confused, I get quite irritated, especially with myself. Such is just how I've always been. But I guess this is what I get for not writing about things in life as I once did, years ago. But I think this must also be why I don't recall much of anything positive of my own past, over the last several decades. At least, not during the span of well-over twenty years, between long before the 90's and somewhere around 2010 or so. Not an entry into my old journals, not a poem, a song, nothing.

Granted, I've been tempted, once again, to write about some of the things of my past, over the last several decades, but I almost don't see a point in it. Similar to how I, myself, view the idea of some other things; "why bother, when it doesn't seem to do any real good?" Beyond that, I also know that (for one) if I did write about it and put in a place where literally anyone who wants to read it can have their gander, it would likely be taken as some kind of a screwy fictional story (I know, only because it has happened before). And trust me when I say that unless poetry/rhyme and rhythm are implemented, I am not exactly the best of storytellers - I found that out a long time ago, and it was only solidified in my head while working as a tour guide in the South.
Yes, I am clearly a much more morose individual than almost anyone, even on here, may realize. Something like that tends to happen when you've walked through what I have, for long enough, even if you've survived, as I have, for longer than anyone can even imagine.

All I can really say is "Oy... Bloody... Vey..."
Suddenly, I find myself wondering if I should have left my original works up, on here, and just not done another one, instead of deleting the mass majority of it all.
I used to write about everything that happened in my life, a long time ago; obviously, long before I ever even found out about the Rave... and even long before the invention of the World Wide Web. At one point, I had journals piled nearly five feet high, and every one of them filled from cover to cover, either with memories or with drawings of those memories (mainly out of a lack of ability to find the words to use for them). Granted, I do keep a physical journal, today. But it has been months, on end, since I've even written in that, yet the damn pages have been falling out of it (if that says anything). I've actually had to tied it together with a massive hair-tie, just to keep it intact.
Still, though... the factor of having to make myself look and feel like a liar... this is going to grind my gears for awhile, as it is. And given that I'm stating this where pretty much the entire world can see, if they want to, I'm not even going to get particularly descriptive, in the whole thing.

Again... "Oy... Bloody... Vey..."



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