I'm going to rein it all in for a while. I'm going to take a closer look at who gets a piece of my heart. I think I want ALL of my heart for a while. Don't worry...you can keep leaning on me. I know that I make an excellent crutch. Just know that I define myself and the role. It does not diminish me. It allows me to reach out and care, too. That's the big hairy deal...you're my crutch, too.
It's cool until we convince ourselves otherwise. Let's be smarter than that. Let's lean and know we lean. Let's know that when it's time to walk whole again, we won't wish to do it on crutches.
Can you miss someone that you chose to block? Yes. I miss who you were becoming to me. I am sorry that you turned out to be a lie because you were a beautiful lie...and for a too-short time, a meaningful part of my day. I miss your voice most, but I need my life to reflect excellence.
When I think about your voice, I think about things said in trust and I wonder how I could have been so personal with you. I am usually guarded. I wonder why my thoughts turn to you when I have resolved to not look back. I guess I wonder what I really was to you. Did I matter? Is your life even a flicker dimmer for the loss of me? Do you wonder if I hurt in the decision I made...ultimately, do you give a damn?
I won't ever know because I chose not to ask. I felt deceived and didn't want to drag out what needed to happen with the possibility of more deception. What kills me is your personal standard. You promoted honor, a gentleman's manner. I wonder how deep the deception went.
I know, 2 Gibran quotes in one day. It's that kind of day... a warm September day drizzled with profundity. I can damn near taste it on my tongue when I inhale, some connection that just eludes me...some affirmation or condemnation...something. It's dancing just out of reach, like a Joyce story I need to read again for a missed clue.
I have sadly blocked another "friend." It isn't even the behavior that prompts me to take this step, but the pretty lies that were throw pillows and wall decor, but only flea market quality when held to the light. Wouldn't it have been interesting to see if I might still have held you dear if you had come clean with me?
The sad thing is, I think you did care about me and cherish me. You must think so little of yourself. Now you have lost me because I cannot spend my time with deception and manipulation. I simply don't have the energy or inclination. I hope that you will still seek out excellent people and the next time, when you think you have found one...risk the whole you. The things you are ashamed of don't scare me...it's the reasoning behind your need to lie them away that gives me pause.
If you don't think enough of yourself, why the hell should I?
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