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The Chocolate Ritual

15:28 Apr 24 2011
Times Read: 853

Credit goes to LadyChodewa for this version of an old favorite.

Materials required

On the altar there are :

* brown candles

* chocolate bunnies representing the God and Goddess

* a Tootsie Roll (the great big one, as the athame)

* a large glass with milk in it (the chalice)

* a small dish of Nestle’s Quik and a spoon

* a small dish of chocolate sprinkles

* a plate of cupcakes and some Yoo-Hoo with a goblet

Cleanse the Sacred Space

Take the small bowl of chocolate sprinkles and circle around

"Chocolate sprinkles where thou art cast

No calories in thy presence last.

Let no fat adhere to me,

And as I do will, so mote it be!"

Spoon Quik into glass of milk

"Nestle’s Quik, where thou art cast

Turn this milk to chocolate, fast.

Let all good things come to me

And make my milk all chocolatey!"

Cast the Circle (using the Tootsie Roll)

Call the Quarters:

Facing East

"Mousse of the East, Fluffy One!

Greater prince of the palace of dessert,

Be present, we pray thee,

And guard this circle from all moochers"

Facing South

'Fondue of the South, Molten One!

Great prince of the palace of decadence,

Be present, we pray thee,

And guard this circle from all dieters"

Facing West

"Cocoa of the West, Satisfying One!

Great prince of the palace of thirst,

Be present, we pray thee,

And guard this circle from all carob"

Facing North

"Rocky Road of the North, Cold One!

Great prince of the palace of crunchy,

Be present, we pray thee,

And guard this circle from all cheap imitations"

The Main Ritual

Handmaiden (henceforth known as the Swiss Miss):

"Listen to the words of the Mother of Chocolate, who was of old called Godiva, Ethel M., Sara Lee, Nestle, Mrs. See, and by many other names."

High Priest/ess:

"Whenever you have one of those cravings, once in a while and better it be when your checkbook is full, then shall you assemble in a great public place and bring offerings of money to the spirit of Me, who is Queen of all Goodies.

In the Mall shall you assemble, you who have eaten all your chocolate and are hungry for more. To you I shall bring Good Things for your tongue.

And you shall be free from depression, and as a sign that you are truly free, you shall have chocolate smears on your cheeks, and you shall munch, nosh, snack, feast and make nummy noises, all in my presence. For mine is the ecstasy of phenylalanine, and mine also is Joy on Earth, yea, even into High Orbit, for my law is "Melts in your mouth, not in your hand."

Keep clean your fingers; carry Wet Ones always; let none stop you or turn you aside. For mine is the secret that opens your mouth and mine is the taste that puts a smile on your lips and comfy, padding pounds on your hips.

I am the Gracious Goddess who gives the gift of joy unto the tummies of men and women. Upon Earth, I give knowledge of all things delicious, and Beyond Death… well, I can’t do much there. Sorry about that.

I demand only your money in sacrifice, for behold, chocolate is a business and you have to pay for those truffles before you eat them.

Swiss Miss: "Hear now the words of the Goodie Goddess, she in the dust of whose feet are the cheap imitations, whose body graces candy racks and finer stores everywhere."

HPS: "I, who am the beauty of chocolate chips and the satisfying softness of big bars; the mystery of how they get the filling inside of truffles; and fill the hearts of all but Philistines with desire, call unto thy soul to arise and come unto me. For I am the soul of candy; from me to all confections spring and unto me all of you shall return again…and again…and again…and again.

Let my taste be within thy mouth that rejoices. For behold, all acts of yumminess and pleasure are my rituals. Therefore, let there be gooeyness and mess, crispness and crackling, big slabs and bite size pieces, peanut brittle and chocolate covered cherries, all within you.

And you who think to seek me, know that your seeking and yearning shall avail you not unless you know the Mystery: "We will sell no chocolate until you pay for it."

For behold: I have been with you since you were just a baby, and I am that which is attained at nearly any shop in the land.

Messed be."

Swiss Miss: "Hear now the words of the Chocolate God, who was of old called Ghiridelli, Milton, Snaveley, Hershey, Bosco, Fudgesicles, and by many other names."

HP: "I am the strength of the candy rack, and the piece that fell on the floor, but looks like it might not have gotten too dirty, and the deepest bitterness of dark chocolate. No matter how you try to resist the call of chocolate, I will hunt you out and I will become your sacred prey. I am the warmth of hot cocoa in the dead of winter, and the call of the road that leads you to that really expensive Godiva store downtown.

I give you, my creatures, the fire of love of chocolate, the power of jaw strength to bite off a piece of that frozen Milky Way bar, and the shelter of Haagen Dasz, when that big date didn’t work out. You are dear to me, and I instill in you my power, the power of a piece of chocolate that you had forgotten you had hidden, and the power of vision and magickal sight with which you can spot a candy counter a mile away.

By the powers of the half-melted bar in the glorious sun, I charge you; by the darkest depths of the bottom of the cocoa pot and the lingering smell of bittersweet chocolate, I charge you; and by the beauty of a perfectly swirled vanilla butter cream, I charge you.

Follow your heart and your instinct wherever they lead you. The wealth in your pocket can buy you treats that a Mayan king would envy. Take joy in that first bite of lecithin emulsified cocoa, and in the last satisfying slurp of Yoo-Hoo. Yet you must be wary of deceit. Eat not of that which is called "baking chocolate," for it is vile and bitter.

Lastly, always remember to leave some chocolate behind you. Be not greedy, but let yourself be known as a connoisseur. Leave a little for someone else. I am with you always, just over your shoulder, or around the next corner I am the Lord of Chocolate, and when you have reached the end of your hoard, I will never be farther away from you than that 7-Eleven on the corner. I am the spirit of the Wild Child, The Inner Child who can never get quite enough. If you are a true chocolate lover, then your soul and mine are intertwined."

Cupcakes and Yoo-Hoo

The blessing of the Yoo-Hoo

HP: "Be it known that mild chocolate is not better than dark chocolate."

HPS: "Nor is dark chocolate better than milk chocolate."

HP: "But both are better than the falsely named "white chocolate.""

HPS: "And neither one is carob."

HP: "As the frosting is to the cupcake…"

HPS: "…so the creamy nougat is to the Milky Way bar."

Both: "And when they are eaten, they are yummy in truth, for there is no greater snack in all the world than one made of chocolate."

The blessing of the cupcakes

HP: "Frosting is keen…"

HPS: "…and the filling is neat…"

Both: "Great Goddess, let’s eat!"

Feasting and drinking (chocolate liqueur, if possible), music and dance.

Dismiss Quarters

HPS: "Oh, ye mighty goodies of the (North, West, South, East), We thank you for attending our rites and guarding our circle. And ere you depart for your sweet and sticky realms, We say unto you: N-E-S-T-L-E-S, Nestles makes the very best…"

All: "Choooooclaaaate."

After all quarters have been dismissed, give a final satisfying belch in the East.

Close circle.



22:23 Oct 10 2011


I am giggling like a loony.

21:11 Oct 11 2011

Good that what it is for. Doing one of these is even more fun. ;)

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