birra's Journal

birra's Journal


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Old birthday thoughts...

15:04 Apr 18 2010
Times Read: 803

Taken from a past journal entry... I just thought this song was a perfect accompaniment. With the changes in my life, new challenges and threats, this has once again become a theme for me...


What should I do? All these daunting tasks; the mountains that stand in my way, the raging rivers I must cross to reach what I want.

It is a metaphor I’ve used before… like trying to swim across a raging river; knowing what I’m leaving behind on one shore, unsure if I am strong enough to make it to the other.

The man who would play it safe would just live in contentment in the safety of the shore he was already standing on… why dive into swirling torrents full of danger? What is so bad about quiet contentment, even if it isn’t exactly what makes me happy?

But as time has gone on, it’s not so much I can’t bear to stand on the shore anymore… but the river is rising. My room on this shore is eroding into the swift currents, I can’t stand by and let it sweep me under into a quiet despair and drown me. No, it’s sink or swim.

I have to swim.

Not only do I have to swim, I have to realize there is so little for me on this shore it is time to throw myself to the swelling white-capped rapids before me. The rocks are sharp and jagged, the waters full of undertows… I can almost feel the mist of the waterfalls in the distance mocking me and calling me to fail as it chills my skin.

Sink… or swim?

Or simply succumb to the inevitable….

I must swim.

And what lies on the other shore? What is my guarantee that it is any better on that side of the river? Perhaps the murky waters have already eaten away too much of that shore I’m only swimming towards nothing… no future… no happiness… nothing but the slow drowning death I’m already trying to avoid.

Still…it’s a risk I have to take.

Through risk, we grow. Through risk, we fail or succeed.

Only through taking risks can we achieve what we want in life. No one said life would be easy. The easy way is to stand on the shore and deny it dissolving under your feet. To keep backing up… regressing… avoiding the future and trying to hide in the comforts of the past.

That has never been my way of doing things. It is a risk I must take.

So if this is the end of who I am, so be it. I’ll shed off the clothes I once wore and dive head first into the cold, sucking river before me. I’ll swim as hard and fast as I can, on my own.

I will reach the other shore, on my own.

Or, I’ll drown. But at least I’ll know I wasn’t afraid to take the risk and try to live my life to the fullest.

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21:40 Apr 19 2010

When I divorced my husband of 20 years, I realized that since my dad had passed away 2 years previous, that for the first time in my life, I was well and truly on my own. If anything happened, I was either going to have to deal with it, or cave. My dad always raised me to be a strong independent woman. He said he never wanted me to have to depend on anyone but myself, that if I had others, to consider myself lucky, but not to consider them necessary.

I realized two things when I came to that decision to leave. I could stay there, where I had a job, a house, and 2 incomes, but no real support system. I would be miserable, but I would be safe. I also knew I would end up having a stroke, a heart attack, or a .357 in my mouth.

Or I could leave. On MY terms. With MY having control. For better or worse, wherever I went from there was going to be better for me.

I left. I ran into a lot of trouble between leaving Florida and actually getting settled in Canada. But I dealt with it. And I am a better person for having done so, and I think deep down, I always knew I could if I had to, thanks to my dad.

Thanks for reminding me of that, sugar- it's good to go back sometime, see where you actually went right for a change.

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