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Does a person have an obligation to take care of an elderly parent as they become unable to do so if that parent was the one who abused them as a child? Or is it acceptable to just let them fend for themselves? This question has nothing to do with the Republican or Democratic parties... Thanks!

Even if my parents abused me as a child, were the worst parents in the world, I would still take care of them. It's all about forgiveness and doing what is right. They are still my parents. And love them or not, I would never forsake them.

very true i have to agree on that too.

but when it comes to the point of no brain function or something i would let them go...

Well each person is diff and would be hard to say what would be right. now as for my self and never had that happen to me. I would have to take care of them, I dont know if that would chage if it happen to me.

I am actually facing this question. It is very very hard to deal with. My mother is a HIGHLY toxic person...it has taken me and my 4 siblings many years to be able to just function normally and to be able to think without self-loathing. She's a dangerous mind...and her actions when we were children physically and mentally hurt us all deeply.... I honestly don't think I could take care of her...

*hugs* im sorry to hear that my dear friend. i know somewhat of what ur going through, as you know i have simaler things happening and stuff and somethings i havent told anyone yet. i hope things work out for the best.

hummmmmm, most of the time a child who is abused by a parent sticks by them.i am sorry they put you in this postion ,i would half to say if it was me they would be in a home, i had to sit by and watch my oldest daughters be abused by there mother,,,after the big d that is. i see the problems they have now so i couldn't feel for a parent who abuses there child.its Gods way of pay back 10 fold

If it's a situation like that, and you nor your siblings feel you can handle taking care of her, then put her in a nursing home. It's not cruel, and taking care of an elderly family member is very hard and sometimes frustrating....it takes patience. Theres nothing wrong with homes, as long as you check them out and make sure they have good reps.

hummmmmm, most of the time a child who is abused by a parent sticks by them.i am sorry they put you in this postion ,i would half to say if it was me they would be in a home, i had to sit by and watch my oldest daughters be abused by there mother,,,after the big d that is. i see the problems they have now so i couldn't feel for a parent who abuses there child.its Gods way of pay back 10 fold carma

i would do whatever i could to help them out. i personaly would have nothing to lose by forgiving them.

Personally if it were my mother I would tell her to rot in a state home or to commit a felony cause health care in jail was free.
I am not one to forgive the sins done against me though and such evil should be rewarded with complete loneliness.
My father I would take care of even with the past between us. If only to remember more than what came before and perhaps learn a bit more.

As different as my parents are from me I would have to take care of them... I know I would and I already told them that...

However, I don't know what you should do. Your mother sounds a lot like my one grandma... the best we could do was put her in a nursing home and have her taken care of that way...

It's not so much that I or my siblings can't forgive...it's more like after you have been tortured for years...and escaped the clutches of your torturer...and you can live a normal life or throw yourself back to the dogs.... None of us have the money to put her in a home.... I truly believe she's gonna have to fend for herself... I don't wish her ill.... she brought this on herself bigtime. We don't leave our children alone with her ever. She's extremely clever and devious with her mental abuse even today... it's truly hard to describe to you. She's just plain evil.

I truly sympathize with you. My mother was also extremely toxic in many ways; and being the only surviving child, her care in her declining years fell on me. A very heavy burden, indeed. My choice was to place her in a facility that could address her needs, since she has not mellowed at all with age, but in fact, got much worse. That made my choice easier, but no less painful or upsetting.
Know that you're not alone.

I'm very sorry... maybe one day while she is fending for herself she will see the evil in her ways... you never know...

Hmm, I don't know. I'd probably find another relative to take care of them. If that didn't work I don't know what I'd do. This sounds shouvanistic, but if it was my father I'd probably drop him, and if it was my mother I'd take her in.

well if they abused me it would depend on the severity of the abuse. but i honestly i don't know what i'd do.

She'll never see herself in the light. We've all tried to make her see...he brother has even tried...doesn't work. Anyway I appreciate all the comments on this...it's not an easy subject to find an answer to.

I hope you and your family do find an answer...

honestly if it were me i'd just stuff her in a cheapo nursing home to fend off the old concience stingin an be done with it... not that i wanna be a heartless bitch but what goes around comes around! she should have thougt about the fact that you choose her nursing home when she was abusing you as kids.

tough question i mean personally my conciouse would be teling me to take care of them and let every thing go

i would take care ofmy parents no matter what

me I love my mother.....I hate how she treated my sister and I ....but she is my mother.....but unless it was a matter of being totally homeless and dumpster diving.....I have told her that financially she can take her lumps.....I know where I would step in to help her....but I will never let her know where that line is.....she would abuse the knowledge....
so i do have an understanding here...
but ultimately it is a decision you have to make all on your own...not even your siblings can decide for you....

I do have a heart here guys I really do...it's been years since i had to live with her. I know that I couldn't live with her again. For those of you who came form relatively normal families or even slightly dysfunctional families that perhaps yelled a lot and that's about it..you may never truly be able to understand...and for that I am greatful... nobody should have to go through what we went through in that house. I want her to be taken care of. Her judgement isn't really up to me. Evil carries with it its own karma.

I'd like to say the right thing to do would be to take care of her.
But just from the little I've heard of your situation, I'm not sure I could bring myself to do so either, and definatley wouldn't blame anyone who felt the same.
Is there possibly some type of state program, or something of the like, where you could make sure she would be provided for at least minimally, without having to deal with her yourself?

Id call it moral responsibility which everyone should have.
But If its the case as my grand parents are in: They care of her parents(my greatgrand parents) and they are in the state they dont recognize anyone and nothing...
I think in this case its normal to give them to some hospital when even you are not able to care of them as yourself is in the middle 70.
Shame my grandma wont listen...

I know you have a heart hun...

Sarahestatha, I hate to soudn heartless but I dont agree;

I haven't seen my father in about 6 years and my stepdad and I despise eachother. I cannot think that I could look at either of them and call them my 'parent' so I think maybe there is a space for definition that would change your personal ethics.

In short, it depends what you define as parent. I would go to the ends of the earth to look after my mother...

There are some people whose destiny it is to live and die alone. Usually this is because neither:

a) the family have all left and went their seperate ways

or


b) The person has been obnoxious, bad mannered , and ungracious to others and their own.

If I were in your shoes Ward darling, I'd have a chin-wag with the family and maybe collectively pay to have her put in a nursing home. Then you could visit on the day's you have the strength too. You don't really want to do anything that you may regret and suffer from mentally after she dies.

Thanks Mistress!!!

Well i pretty much grew up with my grandparents and i didn't have my father around at all. My mother was around at times but mostly she was with guys her whole life. My mother has betrayed me before, but over time, i have forgiven her and now we're doing ok, but i will never fully trust her. However, i won't lie about your particular situation. If my mother treated me as yours did you, I wouldn't take care of her. I would make someone else do it. She spent her life making yours hell, and you owe her nothing. To take responsiblity for someone that abused their own children deserve to know that what they did was wrong. And to sit and take care of them would be emotional hell. I do have my limits when it comes to things and i ain't the type to put myself through hell for someone's wrong doing.

I am very sorry LifeIsKillingMe for what you have to deal with. I am sure everyone here knows you have a heart and dont want to come off wrong. I am sure its very had to deal with this problem and wish you did not. I am sure I would feel the same way but I hope that I could take care of them. I know someone that has some what the same problems. She has a monther thats not all there and ends up hurting everyone around her(the mother)her two kids and hubby. I guess all you can do is ask yourself what can you live with yourself on what you pick. I only hope the best for you and everyone else in your family.

I think I came across as being too defensive in my last comment...heh... I do feel a little guilty for not being more caring about her. I know my limitations though thankfully....and I know it wouldn't be good for her to live with me or be in close proximity to my kids. But yeah in all likelihood my siblings and I will probably have to collectively help make sure she is taken care of. I don't know if my comapssion for her is because I am basically a caring and compassionate person or because of the typical "abuse victim" psychology where one feels they have to get the abuser to finally love them in a positive and healthy way or they feel subconsciously that they brought the abuse on themselves. I really don't think so.... I basically just care...even though she doesn't deserve it.

That's pretty sweet i would say.

Wow...I for one would not hold you responsible or feel obligated to having to take care of them.....You do have a tough decesion but a friend gave me the best advice i have to offer...Go with what you know....you are the only person that really understands the hell you have endured and the issues with having to reopen those wounds but no in my opinion cold or cruel you have to keep your family sane and safe...that is you obligation...

obligation? he's not owned ya know. He does have his own life and he should really do what he feels is best. Nobody is obligated to do anything. People are free to do what they feel is the right thing to do.

winglessangel, let me clear something up....when i mentioned family i meant his kids not his mom...when i said obligated that was to his kids, NOT taking care of his mother...not sure if you took it that way...

ah ok thanks for clarifying

My kids always come first.... they are my real reason to keep trying in this life. I want them to be happy and know they have a dad who loves them dearly. I build them up as much as i can...if they were to be near my mother she would fill them with self-loathing and guilt. I won't stand for it. My kids know they are worthy and loved... the greatest thing I can give them is a feeling like they are worthwhile and loved...they will carry that with them into their adult lives and rest on it when times get tough. So I am breaking that chain and cycle of abuse... my kids rock!!!!

i'd have to say YOU rock bro. *hugs*

Well thankya muchly!

*hugs* my dear friend things will be ok just think of purple bunnies with pink dots that will solve everything hehe.

Pink bunnies and purple dots or do I have that mixed up? Either way I say blue bunnies solve everything! :P

Well its really nice to see you love your kids as much as you do LifeIsKillingMe. I for one know people that dont act the same as you and its sad. Your heart is in the right place and hope things will work out for you!!!!

responsibilty sucks!

Imagine the world withou a bit of responsibility....
"NO!!!!!"
Noone would care about nothing.

Man, I can't tell you what you should do, I can only tell you what I'd do. First of all, I didn't asked anybody to give me birth or to raise me, they did it by their own will so I don't owe anything to anobody! I percieve my parents as any other two humans in the world (it may sound heartless, but they made me feel it that way), so if I can't get along with them I wont (that's why I don't speak with my father for about 5 or 6 years maybe more, one day i stood up, said:"Fuck you, you won't see me again! (ofcourse I said on Serbian :) ) and he didn't saw me again, though he tried to, and as long as I am concerned he never will)! My philosophy of life is: If somebody treats you good - treat him good, if somebody treats you neutral - treat him good and if somebody treats you bad remove him from your life, anyway you can!
If I fuck up with my kids someday I expect to be treated the same way!

...and one more thing: to jeopardize mental health of the future, for the sake of a dying evil past!?! Nope, not my way!

Glad you're okay now, after everything you survived!

I sypathize with you on this one. It is definitely a tough call that you and your siblings will have to make. I agree with you wholeheartedly on your kids. They should not be exposed to the abuse if you can keep them from it. We, as parents try to make their lives easier, not as bad or worse than our own childhood. You are an admirable person and you rock as a dad, too. I cannot even imagine what you must have gone through and I wonder if she must have some mental illness to cause so much trauma. Maybe she needs to be committed and treated in a facility so that she too can get past whatever causes her to inflict such abuse on the ones she is supposed to love. You cannot make her change unless she wants to, however. I wish you the best of luck. Be strong and don't let her ever get the best of you again. You are better than that as you have broken the chain.

This is a toughy. I recently got out of an abusive situation with my mother, and currently reside at my grandparents house. She was physically, and mentally abusive. I've always had to be the adult in the situation, and take care of her. I would actually have to stay home from school to take care of her when she was sick, and she was sick often. Weeks at a time, and with unexplained illnesses. I had to nurture the only person I had in life, the one person who constantly abused me, or neglected me. It was hard, but I didn't know any better. If someone called me telling me she needed help, and that she couldn't take care of herself, I would not help. In your situation, you need to ask yourself whether you are willing to put yourself in a situation where you are constantly reminded of the things she put you through, can you handle re-living that while helping her? It will effect you negatively, and the people around you. You probably don't need the stress and aggrivation. In my opinion it's probably not worth it.

"One mother can take care of ten kids, but ten kids can't take care of one mother"

I would still love and take care of my family because you only get one.

i guess it comes down to compassion, or the level of abuse they have caused the person, but if they have learned from there mistakes, feel bad about what they've done then i guess it's about what kind of person you are, if you're truely a good person you'd probably wanna help someone in pain, even if they'd made mistakes in the past , who knows, you could be in a similar situation in the future and you'd want someone to help you out..

My bleeding heart goes out to my father for some disturbing reason...the child rapist me and my sister were made to suffer through with only each other...yet now i pity him...a pathetic shell of a man, with no friends, no future, and I am the only person who will speak to him out of sheer pity. Other than me, he would be completely alone. i dont think I could deal with that on my mind. It would burden me knowing that it would be in the slightest form my fault if he were to die completely forgotten...damn me and my sentimentality.....

Congratulations on breaking the cycle :-)
I've seen how insiduous the effects of childhood abuse can be.. it's quite a feat to get out.

I don't want to say what *you* should do, but I can say that if I had been horribly abused by my parents, and escaped and put together a good stable life for myself and my children, I would risk nothing of that for the parents' benefit.

It wouldnt be a matter of revenge or anything. To really acheive turn-about, I would have to abuse my parents, take them into my care, and torment them. And even then, I dont think it would be true retaliation, since I would be getting them at the end of their lives, whereas they got me at the begining of mine.

I could look at it as "well maybe if they had done a little more to create a healthy parent-child bond I would feel more of a positive connection to them"

But I dont think that I would even need to blame them for anything to justify staying away from them.

If you need justification for staying out of your mother's life and letting her fend for herself...maybe you could think of it this way:
In biological terms, having healthy children who can lead productive lives and carry on your gene line is the primary indicator of success. Your mother didnt do a good job of that, you had to do it for her. You've made her life a success by not letting her break you and actually having some healthy happy children of your own to keep the gene line going even further. if she's toxic, you can ensure her success and yours by keeping her away from you and your kids.

I think this is something that only the individual can answer themselves. I think one needs to learn how to forgive despite how they were treated. To learn to forgive the one who's harmed you is to make yourself a better person. Are you obligated to care for someone who's abused you, no there is no written law. There are morals, and ethics which people guide their lives by. Everyone’s morals and ethics vary. You must look within yourself to find if you are able to forgive the parent; I am not saying forget, things we go through make us the person we are. I have learned how to forgive, and believe me, there has been a lot to forgive, but I won't ever forget.

So look deep within yourself, can you forgive the parent, and still care for them?

Well to me right now i am trying to get away from my parents but when they grow older I'll stand by theirside or pay someone to take care of them for me. I am sorry if i sound cold but I have yet to enjoy life partially due to my parents strict rule and I am now an adult. all of my moms wonderful brain washing technique seem to have worked. I am a perfect gentleman and I HATE IT!!!!

My mom beat the shit out of me when I was younger and didn't really stop until I was about 16. Unfortunately, I have a heart and would try to put her in a good nursing home if necessary. As for my biological father, he can kiss my ass.