The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?


A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

I'd tell a chemistry joke, but i'm afraid I wouldn't get a "reaction".

What do you get when you mix an Elephant with a Rhino?

Hell-if-I-know

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey!

An alien walked into a shop and told the owner that he came from Mars and wanted to buy a brain for research.
''How much is this one?'' he asked.
''That one is a monkey brain, and it's $20,'' the owner explained.
''How much is that one?'' the alien asked.
"That one is a female brain, and it's $100,'' the owner replied.
''And how much is that one?'' the alien asked.
''That one is a male's brain and it is $500'' the owner explained.
''Why so expensive?'' the alien asked.
The owner answered,''Well, it's hardly been used!''

What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?
A Stick

"They call my husband 'The Exorcist.'"
"Why?"
"As soon as gets to a party, he rids it of all the spirits."

What do you call a dog who can do magic?
A Labracadabrador.

Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.
Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly.
Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

There are 2 types of people in the world:
Those who need closure....

Q: What did one casket say to the sick casket?
A: "Is that you coughin'?"

How many turds does it take to change a light bulb?
None, because they're all pieces of shit.

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie whose dog, Skipper, had recently died.
"You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."
Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

Noticing a mistake in St. Peter's roster, God calls Satan; "It seems you accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a farmer."

"Yeah," Satan replies. "All the more for me!"

God replies, "You better send them up here immediately."

Satan says, "No way. I'm keeping them."

God says, "Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right off you."

Satan laughs uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud, and cross the road again?

Because he was a dirty double crosser.

My mother came to the door; 'Lance, get your ass in the house!' I said, 'Oh, Ma, I don't feel like coming in the house!' I didn't even see where the skillet came from. I just staggered into the house. It wasn't even the right house, it was just the first house with the door open.

Why did the hipster burn his mouth on his coffee?

Because he drank it before it was "cool".

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?

A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says "Five beers, please."

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"

"No."

"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"

"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

Are you lost, ma'am? Because Heaven is a long way from here.

A few days after her husband's death, a grieving widow accidentally receives an e-mail from a man waiting for his wife in Miami.

The e-mail reads:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.

Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"