The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

**Giggles**
00:26 May 31 2010
Times Read: 795

A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,

I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line.

It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.

I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.

At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44”.

How did you get $58.50?

"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50."

**Guffaw**
23:45 May 29 2010
Times Read: 803

An English professor wrote the words:



"A woman without her man is nothing"





on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.



All of the males in the class wrote:



"A woman, without her man, is nothing."





All the females in the class wrote:





"A woman: without her, man is nothing."





Punctuation is powerful

**Giggles**
01:29 May 25 2010
Times Read: 820

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.



'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.'

She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours

**Chortle**
00:54 May 24 2010
Times Read: 832

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.







His buddies at the club are all aghast.







At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'







Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'







They are knocked over, but continue to ask.







'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'







'I lied about my age', Bob replies.







'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'





Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

**Guffaw**
00:47 May 24 2010
Times Read: 834

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.







'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.







Red meat is awful.







Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.







Chinese food is loaded with MSG.







High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.







However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it..







Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'







After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

**Tee-hee-hee**
00:44 May 24 2010
Times Read: 835

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.







She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.





Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defence.





'Your Honour,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'

**Titter**
00:32 May 24 2010
Times Read: 841

Barbara and John took their six-year-old son to the doctor.



With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.



After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes.







That should solve the problem.'



The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.



'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'



'Just take two,' his Mom replied. 'The rest are for your father..'

**Giggles**
23:59 May 23 2010
Times Read: 845

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.







He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon.







Damned good!'



The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'



The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'



The preacher said, 'No shit?'

**Guffaw**
13:13 May 23 2010
Times Read: 858

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.



Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.



The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.







He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.



Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.





The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,



'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

**Titters**
01:07 May 22 2010
Times Read: 870

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.



The thin one leaned over and said, 'Life is so boring.



We never have any fun anymore.



For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!'



'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10.00 note.



The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.



Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.



Finally, the smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.



'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.



'I won $1000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement....!!!'

**Giggles**
12:39 May 19 2010
Times Read: 877

An Aussie lawyer and a kiwi are sitting next to each other on a long flight.



The lawyer is thinking that Kiwis are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy...



So the lawyer asks if the Kiwi would like to play a fun game.....



The Kiwi is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.



The lawyer persists, and says that the game is really, really a lot of fun....



"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500," the lawyer says....



This catches the Kiwis attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game....



The lawyer asks the first question.



'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?'...



The Kiwi doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer....



Now, it's the Kiwis turn.



He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'...



The Aussie lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.



He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.



After one hour of searching he finally gives up.



He wakes up the Kiwi and hands him $500....



The Kiwi pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep....



The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.



He wakes the Kiwi up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'...



The Kiwi reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep....

**Guffaw**
01:09 May 17 2010
Times Read: 891

Charlie was fitting a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.

He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Bunning’s and pick up a hinge.

Mary agreed to go.

While she was waiting for the assistant to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom tap set

When the assistant was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that tap set?"

The assistant replied, "That's a gold plated set and the price is $500.00".

Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that's so expensive.

It's certainly out of my price bracket."

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.

The assistant said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.

From the storeroom the assistant yelled.

"Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"

Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the tap set."

This is why you can't send a woman to Bunning’s!

**Giggles**
00:48 May 17 2010
Times Read: 893

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the Street activities.



He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:



'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.



'An ambulance just drove by!'



'Looks like the Anderson 's have company,' he called out.



'Matt's riding a new bike!'



'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'



'Jason is on his skate board!'



After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are shagging!!'



Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed!



Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they're shagging?'



'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'

**Giggles**
21:51 May 16 2010
Times Read: 898

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.



The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'



The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.



The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.



Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing..



'Then I asked my wife for help.



She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.



She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.



'She even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'



The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'



The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

**Guffaw**
17:35 May 13 2010
Times Read: 924

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.



He came up to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door.



When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.



He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside.



I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.



The Madam figured, why not, ..so she told him to come in.



Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.



He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'



Of course the Madam said 'No'.



The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.'



Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.



He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.



Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.



The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'



He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.



After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys.



She will then get the disease that I just caught.



When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home.



On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.



Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.



In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!'

**Titter**
17:18 May 13 2010
Times Read: 925

Ponder on these imponderables for a minute:-



1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?



2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?



3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?



4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?



5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?



6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?



7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?



8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?



9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?



10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?



11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?



12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.



Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?



13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?



14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?



15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?



16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?



What are we supposed to do, write to them?



Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail ?



17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (my fav)



18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.



19. Ever wonder about those people who spend $1.50 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?



Try spelling Evian backwards:



NAIVE



20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?



21. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea , does that mean that one enjoys it?

**Titter**
01:40 May 13 2010
Times Read: 931

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with Him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment;

she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?''

Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural.

I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid.

I have a 28 inch waist.

Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered...

'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...

That was me.'

How could I forget??
00:24 May 12 2010
Times Read: 939

Transvision Vamp - Sistermoon – From ‘Pop Art’



Hey Sister Moon are you coming round soon



Hey Sister Moon, in your midnight blue



Hey Sister Moon, are you coming round soon



Hey Hey and Sister Moon, oh I've been missing you



Now if you take my heart you can take my hand



And I will be with you in the big land







And groove on Sister, groove on Sister Moon



Groove on, my baby, groove on,



grove on Sister Moon







Now Sister d'you remember all of those days



All those crazy nights seem lost in a haze



But every new moment that's a brand new start



When you got the nature down deep in your heart



And as the mountains move on the winds of change



There's no fear of the end, when you've got the world



Running in your veins







So groove on Sister, groove on Sister Moon



Groove on, my baby, groove on,



grove on Sister Moon







Now you got the skies and you got the starts



And you got the power to break a young heart



Yeah you got the power and you got the life



And you got the love to make it alright







Hey Sister Moon are you coming round soon



Hey Hey and Sister Moon, I've been missing you







So groove on Sister, groove on Sister Moon



And groove on, my baby, groove on,



grove on Sister Moon



Now you can take my heart



and you can take my hand



And I won't feel blue when you got the stars



Shining down on you

I forgot ...
00:05 May 12 2010
Times Read: 941

"Transvision Vamp Andy Warhol's Dead lyrics"

Just gone 11, June '87

And somebody says

Andy Warhol's dead



No more Edie, Andy or Candy

No more factory

Because Andy Warhol's dead

Andy is dead, Andy is dead, Andy is dead

Andy Warhol is dead, Andy Wathol's dead



Soup cans and cola, pop art baby

But now that's all over

Because Andy Warhol's dead



Andy is dead, Andy is dead, Andy is dead

Andy Warhol is dead, Andy Wathol's dead



Well last night I had a dream about William B

And in that dream Willie says to me

Andy ain't dead, Andy ain't dead, Andy ain't dead

He's just asleep!



Nice one Willie



Andy's asleep, Andy's asleep, Andy's asleep

Andy Warhol's asleep, No! No! No! Andy's dead!



1 minute....Andy Warhol's dead

2 minutes...Andy Warhol's dead

3 minutes...Andy Warhol's dead

4 minutes...Andy Warhol's dead

5 minutes...Andy Warhol's dead

6 minutes...Andy Warhol's dead

7 minutes...Andy Warhol's dead

8 minutes...Andy Warhol's dead

9 minutes...Andy Warhol's dead

10 minutes...Andy Warhol's dead

11 minutes...Andy Warhol's dead

12 minutes...Andy Warhol's dead

13 minutes...Andy Warhol's dead

14 minutes...Andy Warhol's dead

15 minutes...





Da Da Da

**Giggles**
23:20 May 10 2010
Times Read: 958

My neighbour found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.



The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears.



He cleaned both ears, and the dog could hear fine.



The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacy and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.



The lady went to the pharmacy and bought some "Nair" hair remover.



At the checkout, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."



The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days.



“The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either.



If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."



The pharmacist said, "Stay off your bicycle for about a week!"

**Chortle**
14:17 May 08 2010
Times Read: 969




On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of South Pacific, the following people are stranded:



* Two Italian men and one Italian woman.



* Two French men and one French woman.



* Two German men and one German woman.



* Two Greek men and one Greek woman.



* Two British men and one British woman.



* Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.



* Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.



* Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.



* Two Irish men and one Irish woman.



* Two American men and one American woman.



One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:



* One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.



* The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage à trios.



* The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.



* The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.



* The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.



* The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island..



* The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.



* The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply more employees for their stores.



* The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery.

They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few pints of coconut whisky.

However, they are satisfied because the British are not having any fun..



* The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.

**Titter**
16:44 May 06 2010
Times Read: 983

Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says,"Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands.



By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried really hard.



By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty five degrees, no problem.

I'm gonna be sixty next week and now I can bend it in half with just one hand."

"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"



"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get.”

"Awwwwww.... Snrk!"
00:03 May 06 2010
Times Read: 987

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from the University of Toronto.



On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.



The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.



He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.



As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.



The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.



Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.



Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.



Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.



Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Toronto Zoo with his teenaged son.



As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.



The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.



The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.



Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.



Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.



He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.



The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.



Probably wasn't the same bloody elephant.



This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bullshit stories.

**snrk**
01:58 May 03 2010
Times Read: 1,004

The Irish daughter had not been home for over five years.



Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily saying, “Where have ye been all this time, child?



Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?



Why didn't ye call?



Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?"



The girl, crying, replied, Sniff,....Dad....I became a prostitute...."



"Ye what?



Out of here ye shameless harlot!



Sinner!



You're a disgrace to this Catholic family!"



"OK, Dad-- As ye wish, but I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate.



For me little brother, this gold Rolex.



And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible parked outside plus a membership to the country club...(takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."



"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" asks Dad.



Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff."



"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, Girl! I thought ye said a Protestant.



come here and give yer old Dad a hug!"

**Giggles**
01:31 May 02 2010
Times Read: 1,017

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.



She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.



A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.



As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.



Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'



To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'



(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)



My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

**Guffaw**
15:11 May 01 2010
Times Read: 1,028

A Blonde's Year In Review



January



Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.



February



Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....



Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!



March



Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said '2-4 years!'



April



Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!



May



Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!



June



Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.



July



Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!



August



Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.



September



The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???



October



Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel .



November



Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!



December



Couldn't call 911 . 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven' Button on the stupid phone!!!

**Snrk**
00:54 May 01 2010
Times Read: 853

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.



The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, he looks down and says:



'7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'



The little white guy faints and falls to the floor.



The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.



The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'



In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'



The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'



The little white guy says:



'Turner Brown?!...Thank heavens!!! I thought you said, 'Turn around!'