The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

i wake everyday to the same thing.....my eyes open even if i dont want them to because i know what is to come.....i sigh...knowing im never enough....there is always someone better...i live in the shadows of everyone elses wonders....i float through this thing we call life...never really mattering until needed for something or another...to do a deed or job no one else wants to do....im told i fit here... there,but being told and feeling is two different things...and what i feel is not that...i feel as though even those i love could do with me or without...i will never stand out or be any more then what i am....and i dont even know what that is......so here it is...no matter how hard i try ....i will never be what u want me to be.....

well im trying to listen the best i can...trust and that is unbelivably hard for me....but maybe just maybe it will all work out...between God and those that love me...maybe it all can be pulled off...please dear God let it all work out...i not only want this but i NEED it to...for us to all be ok and happy....*takes a deep breath*...i dont want things...i just want the people i love around me and happy....and in turn that will make me happy....that is all i have ever wanted was to be happy in life....love and happiness....

well lets see....everything is really fucked up right now...nonthing is the way it should be....i am compleatly misrable....im really starting to think what is the point of anything any more....i feel really really alone....even though im not...i have to do everything and im so sick of it....i know that there are those that care for me....but i always feel as if im bothering them if i go to them...even though they tell me to...i feel as though im always steaping on someones toes...that im in the way or im fucking up someones good day...im about to say fuck it and stop talking all together...no one knows what to do or say...no one knows anything....im really sick and tired of having all the shit i have in my life and yes im trying to change it..but it just seems like everytime i take one steap forward i get knocked back twenty....*crys*....i really mean it i can take much more...something has to give and soon or there is not going to be anything left of me.....writing here im at least letting some of it out...i feel so trapped...and alone...and always always wrong....

i dont understand...i feel so alone...im not...i know this..but it dose not stop the way i feel...it hurts so bad...im crying...*holds self*...i have those who love me very much and even when we dont talk i know and feel them there...but still i hurt...i hurt to be touched...held...to feel the hands of someone/him/ my both of them touching the small of back...caressing my hair...their lips on mine...*shivers*...God...it hurts to even think about...*sighs*what can i say..it is what it is...*crys*..it dose not matter

i dont...and will never understand why people want to hurt each other..i keep writeing it ...i keep saying it...what the fuck it dose not matter...who the fuck cares right...well im getting tired of caring really...im tired of hurtting...by God it really needs to stop...