DestroyingAngel's Journal
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8 entries this month
Everything on the weight of My Shoulders11:27 Jan 24 2011
Times Read: 627
I dont know if I can handle off of the stresses that have somehow compounded (one after another it seems). So........I NEED A HUG!!!
Please. :(
Where is my vitamin D!?
I despseratlely need my vitamin D!
Please. come back to be! *hugggggssss*
I freaking miss you! *huggggssss*
Where
Are
You?
09:44 Jan 17 2011
Times Read: 644
What happens after you fall from grace and further from humanity?
08:36 Jan 14 2011
Times Read: 661
InsominaI couldn't sleep so I figured I would torture myself by spending time at sephora.com
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmhm. Momma likes the Phillosophy items. A LOT.
*wipes at drool from corners of mouth*
A whole lot. Must have.....................
EVERYTHING they make!
10:00 Jan 13 2011
Times Read: 681
DiscomfortConfusion
Somebody out there is in my thoughts tonight and somebody is making my shit list. To that somebody...
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Somebody out there needs to make you a glass bottom stomach.......................................................................................................
That way you NEVER have to pull your head out of your ass ever again. You can just wander about life with it constantly jammed up there. No more excuses!
*sighs*
Im gonna go turn my bitch switch off for a while and try to get some sleep (again).
07:30 Jan 12 2011
Times Read: 692
Pain.
Physical and emotional. The next chapter in the neverending story of bullshit continues.
All I know is im tired and I hurt. I've done everything I can to alieve it and still...nothing is helping. It's my hands, knees, ankles and feet tonight. They burn. Almost all the muscles in my body feel like they're on fire. A constant aching/sore/burning feeling. My skin is getting all red on my hands. My face is all pink. When I walk it feels like my ankles have been beaten with rocks. The arthritis is very bad tonight. It's getting harder and harder to get even slightly comfortable. I just wish I could be normal again. I dont want this anymore! I do not know what to do. Im so damn frustrated.
I suppose it's time to go back to that big bed and toss and turn. Wipe some more tears away and look foward to a brand new day of more emptiness and pain. I just want to be warm and comfortable. Warm and loved. I want hugs and maybe a bit of caring. I hate this cold empty world.
I really hate being in it...Alone.
Always alone.
08:01 Jan 10 2011
Times Read: 719
Everything.
I can't even narrow it all down. Just everything.
I feel lost.
I feel empty.
I am severly depressed and I can't snap out of it. It's been going on for months now.
I feel that this is NOT a good start to a new year. I just keep feeling like im getting kicked in the teeth. Over and over and over again. Something nice happens and then WHAM! Knocked right down for the count...........for a long time plus...im sick and not getting better. I feel so drained. So weak. My body always hurts and burns. For a week solid my joints have been all inflamed and aching. So much so that it's been messing with what little sleep I do manage to get. *sighs*
Christmas was nice. New years was nice but so damn lonely. I wanted to enjoy myself but the pain of being alone was too much to overcome for some reason. I usually just deal with it and accept it. It's getting too hard now. The lonliness makes me feel like a ghost. I exist somehow. I make others aware that im there but it's only for a moment and im forgotton about.
I miss somebody very important to me and it does feel like, from time to time that im invisable. I feel as if I don't matter to anybody anymore and I don't why. I love with all my heart and always hope, wish and pray for the best. I try to keep looking to a bright side to this situation but I don't think there is one.
Do I not deserve happiness?
Am I not supposed to feel sad or upset?
Am I not allowed to feel this hollow when all I want are somebody's arms around me?
Not want and deserve a hug?
A smile and the warmth that only comes from a long hug. I can't express how much I miss being held sometimes. Silently. No words. Just the calm sound of my breath and the other person's breath. The gentle way finger tips dance across skin. Those little moments where your lips brush against each other's. The sound of their heartbeat. The sound of your own. These are the little things that are missed so damn much. Even when no words are spoken...even if only a gentle sigh escapes...it's just does so much.
I miss that. I want it back. I don't want to have to keep hoping for it sometimes. Being this lonely truly hurts.
Anyways, Onward (as one of my teachers always said).
Speaking of more lonliness...................my sexxxy gay Lance is going to be leaving/moving for the east coast in a few short weeks and I honestly want to be happy for him because he's so happy about it. His health is doing good and he's finally able to walk without that walker. We had so many plans and now, who knows what will happen. That felt like a kick to the chest. Apparently his good family members want to see him and he wants them. He's also got a friend out there who's paying for his trip. Dont get it wrong, I am happy when he's happy but he doesn't understand why am so sad that he's going this time. Lance never stays in one place for very long but I JUST got back in touch with him. It was awsome having my longtime friend only 3 streets down from me too. All gone. I understand that we wont lose touch and we'll call eachother but it's not the same. We wont be able to have our little backyard picnic dinners or talks. We wont be able to watch re runs of his favorite sex and city episodes together.
How come trying to be happy feels so terrible...?
What the hell is going on already and when is it going to end? Im not asking for a perfect life. A little less lonliness and not so much having to suck it up and let go or simply move on. It hurts.
Why can't they just make pain killers for the soul?
09:14 Jan 04 2011
Times Read: 759
Wicked nightmares.
Im getting really tired of these strange dreams.
REALLY FUCKING TIRED.
*growls*
11:00 Jan 01 2011
Times Read: 797
I spent new years at my sister's place. We had a pretty quiet evening and I didn't even drink. I found that I couldn't wait to get home, get warm and relax. Yes, I had fun with my family but something is missing still. It's like putting a huge elaborate puzzle together only to find that there is one missing piece.
A part of me feels dead on the inside. Numb. Cold to the core. I couldn't help but feel sad. An overwhelming darkness has come over me. I am still sad even as I write this entry. I was reminded all night long that I am completely alone. It hurts. Of course it hurts. It's not fair. It's so unfair...
I watched my sister and brother in law kiss at the stroke of midnight. They make out like teenagers eventhough they have been married seventeen years and together for almost twenty.I just think that's the coolest thing. That two people can be that way after so many years.
Im happy she has that and that she has that bond with him. Secretly, I wish I could have something like that too. I
just sort of wished that I had that special moment with a special somebody. I wanted to cry. In fact, I did, but I was careful that none of them saw my tears fall. I just felt so lost. So see through and transparent.
So very alone and unimportant.
What did I do to deserve this? To be this alone? Where is MY warm embrace? Where is MY passionate kisses?
On top of that, I have a friend that I talked to durring the day but only for a few minutes. I wanted to talk to them about something that was important to me, but I didnt get the chance. Something I had to get off my chest. Something I had to get out but suddenly, they had to go. I totally understand that they get busy, but I wanted them to hear me out. Maybe I wanted to hear back from that friend. Maybe I needed to hear back from that friend.
What the hell am I doing wrong?
Do I matter anymore at all?
Is this how my new year is going to be?
I texted a distant friend the other night. This is what it said:
"What do you do when there are holes in your soul?"
The reply was:
"You fill the holes with whatever you can find that works."
I can't find ANYTHING to fill the holes in my soul. Nothing seems to help or work. I just know that the holes are getting bigger and bigger and it's starting to take a toll on me.
Im in the middle of a transformation. Physically and emotionally. Im not perfect. In fact, im full of flaws and imperfections. Please stand by...
I'm a work in progress.
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COMMENTS
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captainglobehead
14:01 Jan 24 2011
*Hug*