Honor: 20 [ Give / Take ]
41 entries this month
06:58 Apr 29 2010
Times Read: 876
It's almost two in the morning and I can't really sleep. A death is on my mind.
Someone my family knows lost their one year old daughter yesterday.
It's a horrible tragedy.
What is this...
The little girl was given a grape. She started choking. The people there got it out of her throat and still took her to the hospital emergency room.
At the emergency room, the doctor checked her out. Everything appeared to be okay. They said she could come home.
She went to sleep and didn't wake up again.
The coroner believes the grape punctured her esophagus. An autopsy is being performed to find out the the cause of death.
I have a two year old daughter, as most people on here know by now. My daughter loves fruits and vegetables. She gets grapes all the time.
It makes me paranoid. This really makes me anxious about giving my daughter a lot of food.
Yeah, people eat it every day without incidents. But what can one incident cost me?
My daughter's life. Another child's life. Heck, an individual's life.
Like I said, this is on my mind tonight and I really needed to get it out somewhere.
Aunty, don't mention to mom I posted about this. She would kill me.
13:29 Apr 28 2010
Times Read: 889
I'm posting my comment on the last journal entry as a journal entry because I want to expand on it a bit more.
*scratches head* It's supposed to be in yellow. I wonder what's up with that. LOL!
I'm trying not to beat myself up about it, especially since I ended up getting so much done yesterday morning. It's one of those things that yeah, I'm disappointed in, but only because I can't concentrate on most of my English homework with Aurora awake. That's why I've reserved most of her nap time for that homework when Brett isn't here.
I'm getting done though.
=)
I did get those couple of extra things yesterday! It's going to make a world of difference for me and it all cost collectively under $10.
I'm setting out to do a lot today but I know I can get it all done if I work on it without putting it off.
My goals for today are reasonable, especially since we got everything from the store that we needed yesterday. *nods*
Brett and Aurora are still asleep. I'm hoping to get everything done plus spend some time with both of them and doing a couple of things I want to do.
My list for around the house includes:
-Pay the bills.
(Send money orders out)
-Put everything away in it's proper place that we bought yesterday.
(It's all on the kitchen floor because of how tired I was last night. No food products though.)
-Vacuum the living room floor.
-Do two loads of laundry.
-Start on the chore chart.
My list for my homework is simple too... but more extensive then I'm willing to admit.
Networking
-Lab 1
-Lab 2
-Writing Assignment 1
-Lesson Presentations 1 & 2
English
-Project Part A
-Project Part B1
-Project Part B2
-W5 Minor Assignment
-Chapter 5 Notes
-Chapter 6 Notes
-Lesson Presentation
The things I want to do today are:
-Play my Harvest Moon for a little bit.
-Check on my Facebook applications.
-Make muffins. Yum!
-Start reading a book for enjoyment.
-Play the Wii Fit.
-Possibly watch a movie.
19:06 Apr 27 2010
Times Read: 909
I didn't mean to fall asleep, but I did. I laid Aurora down for her nap about 30 minutes ago. I came back downstairs and covered up on my couch. I was planning out my English work that I'm behind on and I guess I fell asleep.
I feel horrible about it. I feel disappointed in myself. But I can't let that ruin my day.
So what? I got an extra 30 minutes sleep without it being planned.
It'll be okay. It's not going to kill all my efforts on my homework today or anything like that.
There's a total of seven different parts of this project I haven't completed or started on. By the end of this week, I'm going to have it all turned in plus the work for this week.
On top of the seven parts of this project, I have eight other assignments between the major and minor ones.
That's a lot of work. To complete all of this, I need to work a minimum of two hours a day on my homework load.
I'm so proud of myself for getting everything... schoolwork and my life... in order and whipped into shape!
The goal of all this is to eliminate as much stress as I can in my life.
Less Stress = Less Anxiety
I want to get better with my anxiety. I want to be able to get a job somewhere along the way this coming year. I want to be able to take my daughter to the park when I want to and not when there's less people or when I force myself to.
I want this for myself.
I need this for myself.
I know I can do it.
Today, Brett and I are dealing with the bills. We need to get money orders for rent and whatnot.
We're going to eat at either Subway or KFC as a treat for us getting better and working together towards a goal.
We're going to about five different stores to get different things.
This will be the trip I get everything for the chore chart and the typical day schedule.
I'm also going to get a couple of extra things for me to get finished with my school work. I'm so getting another storage clipboard! That thing is so freakin' awesome!
There's just a lot going on but at the same time, there's not. I'm alright with us going out. I don't really feel that anxious right now. I'm hoping that's a good sign. I know it's a great feeling!
... The bad side is it usually doesn't hit until the last minute or when we get to the place we're going.
Getting off of here. Later.
16:26 Apr 27 2010
Times Read: 911
This morning I've been doing nothing else but homework and taking care of Aurora.
I'm feeling like I'm gonna puke so I took a teaspoon of the cough syrup so I quit coughing so much.
It makes me feel funny. Ugh! I hate the feeling and the fact my comprehension goes to shit.
I've gotten completely caught up in my math course and started on the work load for this week. So for my math course... I only have three assignments left for this week!
♥ I'm so freakin' happy about it! I'm proud of myself.
I need to concentrate on my English work now. I need to get caught up and then do the current load.
It's going to be a very long week for me. But it's going to be worth it!
Now, the bad thing of the day is I'm doubled-over in pain. I got my period. I've been crying and crap all morning and trying to make do with it.
My Networking class started yesterday. I did a brief run over the workload for this week. I shouldn't have a problem getting that done. I'm not going to play around with it though.
*shakes head*
No more getting behind. I'll be damned if I stay behind!
12:06 Apr 27 2010
Times Read: 914
I'm planning on letting Aurora sleep in this morning. It doesn't happen often but she was up late last night (1 o'clock) and she's having pain from one of her back teeth cutting the rest of the way through.
I'm going to take the opportunity and do as much homework as I can this morning while she's sleeping in.
I can clean while she's downstairs. It just takes a lot of effort and whatnot.
But there's no way I can concentrate on my homework with her down here. Especially since she always wants to see what's on the screen and push buttons.
Later.
22:57 Apr 26 2010
Times Read: 919
Got to love the meals in our apartment.
Our dinner tonight...
WAFFLES!
Yummy!
Aurora and I are having our waffles topped with apples and cinnamon. Brett's eating his with maple syrup.
And no, none of the store bought crap!
Yummy,
just made
waffles.
Those are the special kind!
♥
08:00 Apr 26 2010
Times Read: 932
It just took like six tries for my internet to load VR. I'm pissed.
I'm probably going off on Brett in the morning...
I need to cool down before trying to talk things out.
Angry rant now. Discuss it later.
*nods* It'll work. It almost always does!
I just took out about three bags of trash from the kitchen cabinets (empty boxes), the kitchen area and the living room.
Three bags.
Three.
What originally set me off was I went to sleep and woke up from nightmares.
I was having an anxiety attack and needed to take a pill. So I got up and went to get a Powerade from the fridge.
In the process, I fell over HIS sandals and hit my head on the corner of the wall.
After about 15 minutes of collecting myself and my "bearings," I got the drink, took the pill, and tried to calm down.
It didn't work. Things got to me. Bad things got to me. Things I don't want to think about, of course.
I started cleaning... and cleaning... and cleaning.
In about an hour or so, I cleaned out the fridge, put away dishes, cleaned out the cabinets and organized them some, put ALL movies and games in their correct cases, and picked up crap he just didn't care to throw out.
At this moment right now... I want to get a plate that I put away with the dishes (any ceramic plate will do) and break it the fuck over HIS HEAD!
I've only done that to one person before...
My sister.
I'm tired of picking up after him more than I do with Aurora!
For fucks sake, she's two years old and makes less messes than him!
If I can't sleep before too long, I'm going to do homework or play Harvest Moon. I don't want to keep thinking.
At least the good news is...
I took the trash out by myself and fixed our screen door too.
... I really need to get my premium back. I miss my private journal options. *nods* It's good for the angry rants about stupid shit happening.
17:13 Apr 25 2010
Times Read: 941
Today hasn't gone so well but there's no use crying over what I have absolutely no control over.
I had not showered in almost two weeks. My armpits were getting hairy, scary.
I don't give a crap about any other body hair when I don't have time to shave or whatnot but the armpits gross me out insanely!
So I got my "dirty ass" in the shower...
I feel about three times worse.
I feel like the air is heavy with moisture and my chest feels like it is being weighed down.
The good side, I’m clean.
The bad side, I feel horrible again.
All I can do is continue on with the day and keep my chin up. I can only be sick for so long, right?
If you say I can't... well than you need to remember you're not sick when you die.
My pits are shaved.
My body had an OCD scrubbing.
My hair washed four times.
=)
If nothing else, I managed to do that today without fainting in the shower!
My mom's watching Aurora for a couple of hours.
*Break time!* LOL!
I need a break from the reasoning of a toddler... just a couple of hours.
A
nice
healthy
break!
Yeah, that's it!
Now, going back to my homework.
****Edit****
Before anyone gets the wrong idea about my term of "dirty ass"...
I was doing PTA baths because of the fainting and weakness.
I'm so NOT that gross!
Ewwww!
10:09 Apr 25 2010
Times Read: 954
I was supposed to be going to bed. I can't sleep. My mind is too active tonight. It needs to shut the hell up already though!
So instead of trying to force myself to sleep, I'm just planning on staying awake.
I'm getting started on my homework and working on the chore chart, schedules, and trying to figure it all out.
At least this is giving me time to sit back on my couch, play FaceBook applications without taxing the internet too much, and watch "I am Legend."
At least Brett can sleep.
♥
I need to get my days and nights straightened back out. Today is so not the day to be doing it.
Lots of goals on my plate... let me get my fork!
LOL! I'll get some kind of sleep somewhere along the way today!
Long Rant of the Night
08:08 Apr 25 2010
Times Read: 957
I'm still nauseous but taking less of the cough syrup crap for it. At night and when it's really bad is the only time I'm taking the full dose the past two days.
I'm hoping to get more homework done in the wee hours of the morning again before breakfast. It was actually somewhat peaceful to do it then...
No phone ringing.
No games being played.
No computers other then my own.
No toddler to worry about.
No distractions at all but the kittens.
It was nice.
I worked out a list of chores for us to work with tonight. It's one of the few times I feel as though I'm thinking clearly so I took advantage of it.
=)
*************************************
The basics:
Wash dishes
Take out the trash
Mop the kitchen floor
Clean out the fridge
Clean the hamster cage
Feed and water the hamster
Change the cat litter
Feed and water the cats
Vacuum Aurora’s room
Vacuum the living room
Vacuum the hallway/stairs
Wash the windows
Put away the dishes
Make breakfast
Make lunch
Make dinner
Pick up toys
Wash and dry clothes
Fold/put away clothes
Clean out the car
Bathroom cleanup
Organize the closets
*************************************
The specifics:
BATHROOM Daily:
Straighten towels
Put away clothes
Straighten counter; put away make-up, curling iron, etc.
Wipe out sink and bathtub
Wipe off toilet
Check the toilet paper
BATHROOM Weekly:
Empty trash
Scour tub, shower, sink and fixtures
Clean toilet bowl
Straighten towels dirty ones in laundry
Sweep and mop floor
BEDROOM Daily:
Make bed
Pick up clothes and toys
Take care of books and homework papers
BEDROOM Weekly:
Change sheets
Empty trash
Straighten closet and drawers
Vacuum the bedroom/walk-in closet
FAMILY ROOM Daily:
Pick up toys, books, etc.
Straighten pillows and blankets
Stack newspapers and magazines
Pick up and put away anything that has been left out
Vacuum traffic areas and mop entry way
FAMILY ROOM Weekly:
Water plants
Clean TV screen
Wipe walls, base boards and around doors
Wash windows
Vacuum
Dust bookshelves, furniture, baseboards, and doors
KITCHEN Daily:
Prepare breakfast
Prepare lunch
Prepare dinner
Wipe front of stove, microwave, toaster & coffee pot
Cover leftovers and put away
Wash/dry/put away dishes
Clean and wipe down sinks, counter & fridge
Empty trash
Sweep floor
KITCHEN Weekly:
Clean fridge
Wipe out oven and microwave
Straighten cupboards and drawers
Wipe baseboards and walls
Mop floor
LAUNDRY ROOM Daily:
Gather and sort dirty clothes
LAUNDRY ROOM Weekly:
Spot soiled clothes
Wash, fold, and put away clothes
Hang clothes
Straighten shelves
Wipe washer and dryer
Empty trash
Mop
Dust doors
OFFICE/CRAFT ROOM Daily:
Straighten desk
Pay/sort/file bills
*************************************
I'm going to be making the actual chore chart and work with Brett on splitting things up either later this morning or tomorrow.
I'm even working Aurora into the whole thing. She's going to have to help pick up her toys, make her bed, put her clothes in the hamper, help clean up some of her messes, etc.
She's going to get a color code system. Hot pink when she doesn't do it and lime green when she cooperates. Each day they will be tallied and she'll either get a sticker or not based on her temperament and things. Once she's collected so many stickers, she gets rewarded with a toy.
=)
I need to do something with her to keep my sanity. This poo smearing crap isn't cutting it and neither are the moments when she throws food or drink everywhere because she was told no or corrected.
Plus I'm tired of getting beat up by my two year old daughter.
Brett and I will have a set amount of coupons to use when we would like a little bit of a break. That way there's no harm done if one of us is sick, wants to be lazy for a day, etc.
We're also going to have a little bit of a reward system... but not one where we really spend money. It's going to be based on when we get needed things completed, we get rewarded with some "me" time or R&R. Whatever you want to call it. But if there is something we want, we will discuss it and make a decision together about the agreement.
The meals are probably going to be the most difficult to split up. I have a couple of ideas.
1. Three days a week one cooks and then the other day is cooking together or a toss up.
or
2. One does breakfast and dinner and the other one does the two snacks (morning and afternoon) and lunch.
We both like the second idea better. It allows more flexibility for us... especially with him going to college and not always being here.
*************************************
The next thing I want to work on today or tomorrow is some kind of typical day schedule.
It'll just be a basis and not something that's set in concrete or whatnot.
It's more like a guideline to the typical day.
=)
Breakfast, snacks, lunch, dinner, Aurora's nap time, personal times, homework time, etc.
It'll make it all a lot easier.
Brett and I both have the really bad habit of procrastinating when it comes to things.
Homework being the main problem.
Who really wants to sit and read 100 pages of boring "useless" crap when they could be playing a video game or reading a book that interests them?!
So I want there to be set time blocks for our homework.
The other one will watch Aurora and take care of things that come up during that time. It's going to be flexible since the homework loads change constantly. But it should help us get back on board with it all and a lot less stressful!
I'm debating about my time being in the wee hours of the morning. It's quiet. It's peaceful.
But if I've just woken up from a nightmare or had a really bad night, I'm not sure how that would effect the plan.
*************************************
There's only one major thing that has come up tonight during all of this thought process, organizing, and planning...
That's Brett's habit to complicate everything!
Nothing is ever even or fair...
You do your best to try to make it an even balance but it won't be no matter what.
Shit happens.
Things come up.
Situations pop up!
*************************************
There just needs to be some routines in place to:
1. Reduce stress.
2. Get everything done.
3. Have us time, family time, and personal time.
4. For compromise to happen.
5. For both of our sanities' sake!
God, I have the worst task...
That's organizing all of this, putting it down on paper, putting it in action, and making sure we all stick to it!
I can do it though...
Especially if it means I'll be making the efforts to get better with my anxiety disorder, my depression, my personality disorder, and the overall quality of our lives.
16:09 Apr 24 2010
Times Read: 972
I feel like shit again. It hit me insanely hard. I ate breakfast.
BIG MISTAKE!
I just had to take the cough syrup with codeine in it. So no more doing homework for me right now.
I got what I absolutely needed to out of the way plus a few other things.
I'm happy about that but god, I hate feeling this bad!
13:38 Apr 24 2010
Times Read: 976
I am officially tired as all hell this morning. That's what I get for staying up past two. Stupid freakin' mistake! LOL!
At least I'm feeling somewhat decent this morning. My head is killing me. I'm light-headed. I've got that "pukey-feeling." I'm coughing and have a little bit of a fever.
But it's better then what I've been doing! I'm happy about that!
It's only 8:30 am and I've got some "get-up-and-go!"
That's a great thing this morning!
I hate to tell Brett and Aurora, they're getting up at 9:30 am at the very latest!
I'm getting better... now they're in trouble!
I've already gotten four assignments completed and I'm working on ahead.
=)
I'm really proud of myself. I've been up and working on homework since 6:30 am.
If I get everything on my goals list finished today before 5 this evening, I'm going to reward myself with playing a Wii game, watching a movie online, and a bowl of ice cream.
Yummy!
Sounds like a good deal, huh?
06:00 Apr 24 2010
Times Read: 981
I feel a little bit better tonight. I'm not tired though... which sucks when taking into account Aurora will be up early in the morning.
She's still awake and fighting sleep too... Ugh!
Things are calming down and looking up or at least level again.
I figured out the bills for the most part. Brett's looking into a laptop from Birra's company. I got a couple of games today to keep busy.
Brett and I even had a long, over-due talk about the chores, bills, employment, and other things.
He's been driving me up the wall lately because of how lazy he's been.
I've been sick as hell for over a week.
He's been lying about playing games and doing minimum chores.
I've been getting up and cleaning as much as I can and trying to cope with everything.
I know things are not going to always be fair but where the hell did the trying go?
In a minute never comes.
Five minutes never comes.
Later on never comes.
Tomorrow never comes.
It's a vicious cycle.
My goals are as follows:
-Get my math homework done. No excuses! At least four-five assignments!
-Organize my composition homework and develop an action plan.
-Get two loads of clothes done.
-Get three loads (one from today) hung up and/or folded.
-Make a chore chart with Brett.
That's my list. That's all there is to it. I need to get these things done for my own sanity.
I know it's going to be insanely hard for me to get it done, especially if I can't sleep tonight or I feel worse in the morning...
But I need to get it all completed!
Bottom line...
It's getting done!
20:39 Apr 22 2010
Times Read: 989
The rundown of today is as follows:
-Aurora's finally taking her nap.
-Brett had to go back to the college to pick something up.
-I've gotten a load of clothes done.
-I've gotten my Facebook applications taken care of. (Yeah, I'm addicted since I can't do much else.)
-I need to make Brett a list of things to do when he does get back.
-I need to sort through my homework and come up with some kind of action plan.
-I need to vacuum the living room.
-I need to sort through the bills at least so I can get them all dealt with this weekend or early next week.
The major thing I need to do that I can't... is breath normally.
My chest is killing me. I'm okay though... at least better then what I was since Brett is letting get up and do some things now!
♥ Got to love him!
He's trying.
16:36 Apr 21 2010
Times Read: 1,004
Even though I still can't really breath much, I just scrubbed Aurora's carpets. Where did the scrubber come from? Our friend let us borrow it. Thank god! I'm thinking of asking her how much she wants for it when Brett gets paid next.
Come hell or high water, I need to get the bills figured out and pull a laptop out of my ass for Brett. Ugh!
I'm thinking of trying to do some clothes today.
I need to get my homework done.
I feel like I'm going to pass out right now and like my chest is going to explode.
Today, this morning actually, was my last steroid of the treatment the urgent care doctor prescribed me. I'm worried about how that's going to go since four hours late the other day and my throat was swelling. Nothing will tell but time.
Brett and Aurora are driving me absolutely nuts!
One is just as bad as the other today. It's really getting to me. He's telling her no and she's being stubborn as hell. What does he expect?
I'm going to end up putting her to her nap or having him do so once her carpet is dry. And he's going to be grounded to his corner of the apartment.
Just something. I can't deal with all of this!
I've been sick and down for a week now... I've been confined to the couch for the most part. I've fainted three times during all of this. I sleep most of the day. I can't bring anything up from my lungs. I'm sick. I'm tired. I'm going insane. Nothing to do! I've been doing nothing but being lazy for days now. I can't clean... I can't do the Wii Fit... I can barely breath without the fan blowing in my face.
And the doctor told me yesterday it's just going to take time!
My question is when do I just say fuck it and go to the urgent care again or the freakin' hospital emergency room?
I have no clue. But it gets much worse, I'm going. I can't play around with this. I can't be down for weeks. I don't even know what's happening with Aurora tomorrow since I still can't lift the cat, let alone her!
There you have it. My rant for the day!
04:41 Apr 21 2010
Times Read: 1,008
I'm seriously considering changing my primary doctor but I'm not sure about it. The man who is my doctor was my daddy's too and knows what all was wrong with him and things like that.
He doesn't believe in the use of medicine for the most part.
I'm not a drug addict. I don't pop pills nor have I ever.
I'm sorry but I think I should be able to get decent consideration when I was in the urgent care on Friday and still can't bring anything up from my lungs and still can't breath right!
He was going to give me cough syrup I can pick up at the over-the-counter crap. He also gave me an allergy pill.
What the hell?
He has me getting x-rays on Monday or Tuesday of next week.
If I can't breath come Friday or I keep on fainting and crap... I'm going into the emergency room.
I'm tired of taking all of these medicines and wondering how long it's going to take for it to all get done and over with and me be better.
LOL! His face got a look or horror when he say the urgent care doctor prescribed me a cough syrup with codeine in it! Hahaha!
I'm so tired. Brett got me a Wii game for me to vegetate out on since I'm still on my couch for the most part.
Scooby Doo!
It's going to be fun! Hehe!
At least I did manage to get the hamster's cage cleaned out tonight and the fridge cleaned out too.
I need to get my butt in gear though. I can't sit at my computer for long periods of time but I have to figure out something else.
Tomorrow I need to get caught up in my math course and get started on my English.
Math won't be hard. I have most of the work done on paper... it's just getting the math equation editor to work for Microsoft Word.
Ugh! Night people!
11:09 Apr 20 2010
Times Read: 1,020
Brett and Aurora just left. I'm really shaking on my feet this morning and I've almost fallen a couple of times due to feeling light-headed.
I'm nervous about my mom and stepdad being able to watch Aurora for so long today... it's six and a half hours.
I have a doctor's appointment later on about my pneumonia. I can't bring anything up but this morning I am feeling a little bit better.
I'm hoping to feel up to cleaning a little bit today but I'm not sure about it. I know I have to get my doctor's slip in for me missing last week.
I need to get my homework done. Ugh!
Math will be easy to catch up on... it's the English I'm worried about.
Here in a few, I need to go hunt for breakfast since I don't want to try cooking... and take my morning medicines.
There's no sugar in the apartment. If I get desperate enough, I'll walk to the store but that won't be too good for me and Brett will kill me since I can't go upstairs without getting light-headed and out of breath.
13:49 Apr 19 2010
Times Read: 1,042
I can't believe I'm actually typing this... but I'm so horny right now, I'm kind of turned on by a movie where the woman is having sex with a dismembered penis.
What kind of sick freak am I?
LOL!
06:51 Apr 19 2010
Times Read: 1,046
Brett and I kind of had a fight tonight. Of course it was focused on me this time. I've been confined to my couch because of me having problems breathing. I take my medicine, I rate the database on here, I play facebook applications, and I watch movies. That's it. That's my life for the past three days. It's getting tiring.
So yesterday and today, I started cleaning until I couldn't anymore. I can't get the something huge for me unless I can get all of the housework done and whatnot. I really want this so I'm taking it personally.
The first real thing that pissed me off was me trying to wake him up four times in the morning because I needed to go to the bathroom. I couldn't get him up, I was feeling light-headed, and I hit my head off of the toilet.
Nice, huh?
Second and third thing is he woke me up twice this morning, just to go upstairs for something and then go back to bed on his couch. What the hell?
He also woke me up again this evening. It's always right after I take the medicine. Every four hours and it makes me sleepy as all hell.
He tells me to rest and relax but he wakes me up. How the hell does that work?
I needed him to change the cat litter, do two loads of dishes, and take the trash out. I had to remind him all day and he only did after accusing me of nagging him and everything else.
He's been grumpy, bitchy, pissy, and snappy all the time yesterday and today.
It's pretty bad I'm sick and he's causing me more stress then not being able to breath so good!
He woke me up after he gave Aurora a bath, I had just took the meds of course. He got upset because I swatted at him because he tried to take my glasses.
... The medicine is starting to blur my vision some and when I wake up without my glasses on my face, I get disoriented and scared.
On top of that, he started to get ready to do the dishes at about 10:45 pm tonight (the second load)... I wanted a hug from him, I went to get one and then resumed cleaning up his messes in the kitchen. He got irritated with me.
I told him to go back to his couch, sit the fuck down, and go back to reading his god-damned book!
I was pissed and I admit it!
We got into a yelling type fight and he walked out. I did two full things of dishes and then took my medicine.
I'm tired of this shit. Either we start working together or we're going to end up in a horrible situation again.
Oh and Aurora can get her door open and the other doors in the apartment open even with the baby-proof covers. What the hell?
This morning, before we knew she was awake and after we had just checked on her, she ended up in the bathroom while shutting herself in there.
Ugh! I'm so not ready for this.
I'm still not sure if I can handle taking care of her on Tuesday. I can't make my therapy appointment because of my breathing. So Brett's rescheduling that one for me.
I don't know what's in store for this week. I hope I can get better though. This being confined shit is getting old quick!
Doesn't he know that even in the hospital the nurses make patients with pneumonia get out of bed to walk and move some? Otherwise it can get worse even with the medicine.
I feel like I'm going insane.
Bitching fiancée! Escape artist toddler who is getting into everything! A cat who wants hamster food! The hamster hiding it's food in her top wheel and then running in it! The chores piling up. My homework sitting without getting finished because my computer is upstairs. And too much to do in each day and I can't do any of it!
I wanna cry!
09:43 Apr 18 2010
Times Read: 1,056
I just awoke to my migraine flaring up. The hamster has a new obsession.
She took all of the food out of her food dish and stashed it in the top wheel of her cage. The one that's more quiet and connected to a series of bubble tunnels.
She's pissed. I popped off the fuckin' wheel, dumped all the food into my hand and put it in her dish.
She had to be doing this all fucking night. Since she achieved her goal, she wanted to run with it all in there.
I told her if she does it again, I'm going to take that wheel away and leave her with a bubble cap.
Ugh! Damn hamster. Damn sickness. I'm tired of taking the medicine. I'm tired of feeling like I'm choking on air.
I fainted tonight before going to bed. I went to the bathroom and called Brett up for something. We were talking and I was standing against the door to stabilize myself and low and beyond, I fainted against the door. Brett threw water on me to get me back awake and made me come back downstairs to my couch.
I still can't be without my fan blowing in my face. The air seems thick and humid to me. The inhaler helps some but it still feels like my smothering by breathing... like I'm choking on air.
I'm happy I caught it in time so it's not as bad as it could be. It's mostly in my right lung and that's where I'm having the most pain now. The body aches are still there. Brett can't even squeeze my hand lightly.
I feel like shit.
Please let me start feeling a bit more better and not faint anymore. I'm taking the medicines like clockwork so they work. I'm scared of going into the emergency room and having to be omitted.
I'm pretty sure my O2 stats are a little low. My fingertips keep getting all tingling and have gone numb at a couple of points.
I want to be better, damn it! Better! I'm tired of getting sick every time I turn around.
Like I told Frankie...
I can't do anything that's not mild. I have to be dramatic!
Or something like that. I can't remember the exact wording at the moment.
I'm hoping I'm better enough to watch Aurora on Tuesday.
23:03 Apr 16 2010
Times Read: 1,069
I just got back from Urgent Care. I have a form of pneumonia. It's all the symptoms of pneumonia without me bringing up the stuff from my lungs.
I'm bringing bile... even though I've had my gallbladder out.
I got two shots, one in each hip.
They ran blood tests and barely got enough blood. The woman had to stick me on the wrist where the joint is... it doesn't help the vein collapsed.
I got a breathing treatment because I couldn't breathe without wheezing.
... I ended up fainting at urgent care in the examination room.
My O2 stats were 91 when I got into the room... it was only 93 when I left.
If it didn't go up or went down anymore, they would have had to send me to the hospital in an ambulance for me to have a stay.
I have like four scripts from the doctor there.
My wrist feels like that woman broke it because of the vein collapsing and where it is.
The pneumonia is mostly in my right lung where I'm having the most pain.
I'm just hoping I get better in 48 hours... otherwise according to their instructions, I have to go to the emergency.
... And I wouldn't be coming back home for a couple of days.
17:19 Apr 16 2010
Times Read: 1,079
ChosenThird's journal entry:
"22:15:27 - Apr 15 2010
Times Read: 19
i was rated a 1 by someone who has been here a long time and who apparently has a lifetime membership. ok thats fine but it amazes me that someone with that much tenure would be so petty. my page is not anything outstanding at all. it just seems selfish to me for some reason. sorry but yeah"
I rated him a 1. I'm not too sure whether this entry is about me or not but I did get a message from him about my rate.
ChosenThird
Scrounger (4)
22:12:35
Apr 15 2010
a 1? really? that's helpful to knew people
My reply was simple.
Message To: ChosenThird
I rate on content. That's it.
If it is directed towards me... then fine. I don't have a lifetime. I wish I did. In fact, my premium ran out last night.
Why should I rate a profile with three lines of text and some images higher than a one?
I won't.
I rate on content.
I do not consider three lines of text and four images to be exact to be much in the line of content.
But how is it petty? And how is it selfish?
Seriously, my fiancée with whom I live with has only a 7 from me. My ex-boyfriend who I still talk to here and there has a 1 from me. Heck, a lot of the people on my friends list have middle to low ratings.
I rate on the content. I don't rate differently between premium members and free members. I don't give bonus or cookie points for flashy graphics or anything like that.
Now I do like a profile that is balanced in it's layout. But the layout does have a little to do with how appealing it is.
Come on, I'm supposed to give people who have next to nothing on their profile higher rates? Or be like almost every other person who rates only tens.
Nope. It is not going to happen. Criticize what you see around you. *nods*
So that my friends is my viewpoint. If you want to consider my petty, fine.
But at least I can say within a couple of weeks of having my profile up, I had it completely filled out and everything else.
I'm not that mean. I don't consider myself petty. I am exactly who I portray myself to be online as I am in real life. I'm proud of that!
And yes, I know people have lives and all of that stuff... that why I come back for rerates unless something personal in my own life has come up.
06:32 Apr 16 2010
Times Read: 1,089
I feel like absolute shit. I don't even have my glasses with me right now so pardon my mistakes or whatever.
Yesterday before 10 in the evening, I ended up having a temp of 101.9 and this morning Aurora had one of 100.2.
Her doctor won't see her immediately until she has a fever of 101-102. Ugh!
I'm calling mine in the morning if I can get up. I feel like I can't breathe. My chest is killing me. My head feels like it's going to explode.
... And honestly, one of the major things comforting me right now is how doctors have been saying you can't get H1N1 twice because the body builds up a immunity.
But then again, why do people get the regular flu multiple times in a flu season?
I can't sleep downstairs... I can't stop hurting enough to sleep up here in the bed by myself.
I'm sad cause I haven't been able to play with my hamster or even feed her.
All day I've been puking and crap.... this sucks ass.
01:53 Apr 14 2010
Times Read: 1,113
Here's some juicy gossip or whatever you want to call it about my journal entry last night.
Yes, it was somewhat about DarkWhispers but not completely. It's more focused at everyone which is why I put "you people."
It was me blowing off steam about something where he was just the last one who happened to push a certain button.
I unblock on the 28th of March to tell him happy birthday and until yesterday we were being like our old selves.
I couldn't let his birthday pass without letting him know I did and do care. That's just me.
I offended him by saying some different comments throughout the day that I probably shouldn't have but it's what I've observed and you know what, people do need criticism.
Other people on this list include a couple of other online friends, Brett, and a someone else close to me.
He was the last one and I snapped.
I'm not going to apologize for what I said or my choice to block him again. I'm using it as a phase out period I guess. I don't know.
I have to honestly admit he is one of my closer friends and I don't care to lose him as a friend.
So there you have it. The truth.
I upset him and I know why but I'm not going to apologize for trying to be myself around someone.
One of the greatest things I admired about Courtney was her straight-forward honesty.
She didn't care if she offended me or hurt my feelings.
She told me like it was even if I wouldn't take to her for days because of me being so upset.
I truly miss that!
Someone to tell me how it is, as it's happening, and without censoring it a bit.
She's probably been one of the greatest friends I've ever had! And that straight-forward bluntness is what caused us to be friends in the first place.
♥
So there you have it, the secret is out. I was talking to Tony. The people who I wanted to know, did know. Brett didn't care as long as I blocked him as soon as it started to effect me in a bad way.
Will I talk to him again?
I hope so. But only when I'm comfortable with it and so is he.
... I guess that sounds pretty bad, huh?
I know some people are not going to like my reasoning for things. I know those people are not going to support me for what I did and that I kept it from most of them.
Well you know what?
It was a lot better with no one knowing and there being absolutely no crap from anyone on any side.
So thank you, Tony for helping me to keep it "in the closet" but I'm blowing my own cover.
I don't like things being in the closet. I have enough skeletons in there already from the past.
=)
I hope you do take care of yourself. You're not expendable otherwise I wouldn't be writing this.
Later.
20:04 Apr 13 2010
Times Read: 1,118
So the something huge for me thing that I mentioned last night.
It's probably going to be a couple of weeks talking to Brett's friend and the woman before I find out anything.
Brett and I have made up a list of what I need to do in order for me to get what it is.
-I have to do the Wii Fit/Wii Fit Plus (whatever you wanna call it) at least three times a week.
-I have to get everything in order and a big space dedicated for just this one thing.
-I have to look at prices for future expenses.
-I have to sort out the bills for a long while. (Like always!)
-I have to finish getting caught up on my homework and stay caught up.
-I have to spend quality time every day with Fancy... yeah, like that wouldn't happen unless I'm sick!
-I have to write in my handwritten journals and keep up with it.
-I have to go outside at least twice a week.
I've already done 55 minutes with Wii Fit Plus. I've burned about 360 something calories according to the system of METs on there.
I'm proud of myself.
=)
I did get a Wii Fit water bottle from Best Buy for like $5. I like it loads. It's 32 oz. and it has the o-ring on the inside so it doesn't spill or drip.
... I've been having problems finding a sports bottle with the o-ring!
I'm torn between cleaning or doing homework here in a bit. I know I'm going back to playing Wii Fit Plus for a short time. Probably 15-20 more minutes but the longest it will be is 30 minutes.
Aurora is still being grumpy because of her tooth coming in on the right side in the back. It's one of the few teeth she doesn't have yet. LOL!
I know I'm definitely getting a shower sometime soon!
I smell like lots of sweat and feel all gross.
* I remember feeling this way a lot in Nashville... I've missed it! *
Body slightly burning = Great!
Body painfully burning = Horrible!
I will admit, the past few days have been making my tummy area feel tight and a little painful... but it's the changes my body is going through and I know it.
I also found out in Nashville when it became too much. The main situation which caused that to happen was walking over 14 miles with another girl looking for three of our guy friends.
Screw that crap!
I'm not doing that again!
I'm not going to go out of my way to really help people in real life. That sounds means. I know I'm way too nice in so many ways but I'm getting my confidence back. That's helping a lot!
I'll make the decision on who to help and who not to when situations arrive. I still give money to people so they can get food. I help people to their car or hold the door for them. I know what manners are... and know my dad would hate for me not to use them. I think I'm starting to know the limits or at least some of them.
One step at a time, one foot in front of the other. I can make it if I only try.
*smiles* I know I can!
16:36 Apr 13 2010
Times Read: 1,121
These are the days, I absolutely despise being a woman.
I can barely move. I've been doubling over with cramps. I'm sweating up a storm but cold as hell.
And I'm trying to convince myself to get into the Wii Fit Plus today...
I burned about 210 calories yesterday.
Not too bad with a hurt knee, well that whole leg from the knee down.
*sighs*
I can do this.
Hell, I'll probably feel better after doing it.
I don't know though. There's a lot of times I exercise during this time of the month that it blows up in my face.
I know to do light exercises and drink plenty of water...
Walking, stretching, yoga, etc.
Ugh, it's just convincing myself to do it when it's this time of the month.
03:57 Apr 13 2010
Times Read: 1,128
If you don't want to know what I've observed bluntly, then don't talk to me!
It's a waste of my time.
Criticism is good, you know! It's healthy!
If you can't stand the blunt truth, then get the fuck away from me.
I don't attach that easily anymore to people who have burned me in the past or something like that.
Screw it.
Most of all...
screw you!
I'm not going to feel bad or anything else because you couldn't get what I was saying or let it slide.
I'm changing a lot.
-I'm getting my confidence back.
-I've been going outside more.
-I've been trying to do things I used to do like driving, walking short distances, going to the store, etc.
-I've already got my support system, I don't need a risk like "you people" or any crap like that.
I'm getting myself back and that's more important to me then anything...
... Other than the few priorities I have.
I'm working for what I want.
I'm losing weight.
I'm getting better!
I'm getting my family back!
I'm working through emotions I've never dealt with before.
I'm getting to the point I can let go in some situations!
There's no way I need someone who can't just listen to my opinion and criticism and take it as that!
Those people in my life...
are completely expendable!
If you're one in my life, you're expendable.
So goodbye!
***************************
On a great note of the day, I might be getting something huge for me very soon.
It all depends on what one woman thinks and things...
I'm so excited about it!
16:00 Apr 11 2010
Times Read: 1,140
"Here's your one chance, Fancy don't let me down!" -Fancy by Reba
Since Brett couldn't really get me anything big for my birthday or Easter, he got me something yesterday when we were out and paying bills for this month.
He got me a hamster. ♥
I've always wanted one.
My dad told me he wasn't letting any damn rodent live in his house as I was growing up.
She's mostly a medium brown with markings of dark brown and cream colors.
She's insanely active and smart! Her favorite food so far is fresh apples! ♥
I got her some chew toys and the bedding and things. Brett had gotten the cage from a friend in one of his classes... they had to get rid of their hamster and the person they gave it to had a cage already.
=)
Aurora loves her insanely! She got to pet her in the store! Hehe! She even helped me pick her out. *nods*
I've decided a name for her...
Fancy!
I think it suits her just fine.
She went from a small aquarium at a pet store to a bigger cage with four levels, a loving home, and is getting spoiled to hell and back!
She's already starting to trust me some. I can pet her today without her crouching down in the bedding or on the plastic portion.
I'm going to get some pictures of her in the next couple of days!
15:17 Apr 10 2010
Times Read: 1,147
I wish I could get more sleep... Aurora has a back tooth coming in on the right side. Ugh! She's been up almost all night screaming and we've been unable to calm her down for the most part.
I have so much to get done today. I need to clean some. I have to get more homework done. I completed a lot while Brett was at my mom's with Aurora.
After he came home and my mom was watching Aurora for a couple of hours... I found the other two documents we needed to get our taxes done.
*nods* We went and got them done. Yep, yep!
The documents were in the storage room. I could only bring out one box at a time with Aurora here. Yesterday, I tore them all out so I could find the papers. There's about 8 boxes in there still. *sighs* I need more time to get things done within days.
Homework to complete today:
-Five writing assignment-
-Type out all notes (covers over 150 pages)-
-Finish my readings-
-One discussion forum-
-W3 Minor Writing Assignment-
-Project part A-
Even after completing all of that up, I'll still have more homework to get done tomorrow. I'm happy I'm getting it all done though.
... But I'm starting to get blisters on my fingertips from typing so much and also flipping through pages.
LOL! That's pretty bad!
15:58 Apr 09 2010
Times Read: 1,156
Brett and Aurora are over at my mom's house with my nephew. My mom had a doctor's appointment and had to run some errands. I wasn't going to hesitate Brett taking Aurora over so she could play and most of all, them both stop getting in the way of my homework!
Ugh!
Aurora ripped my one textbook yesterday. She stole my calculator. She decided to pull some papers out of my binder too.
Brett's not too much of a hassle.
It comes from him telling Aurora no, her telling him no and running with whatever she has or whatnot, him telling her if she doesn't listen she'll get in time out for 5 minutes, and her screaming.
On Tuesday and Thursday of this week, she has driven me crazy doing everything possible. She was even grounded from watching Scooby Doo for the rest of the day yesterday. That's pretty bad!
I'm taking advantage of this time... *nods* Later.
14:24 Apr 08 2010
Times Read: 1,164
We ended up only spending money on much needed gas and I didn't even use a 1/16th of it.
=)
We ended up going to the park. Aurora had a blast other than one nerve-wrecking incident.
She was going to step on the wooden bridge, you know the kind since they're at most parks and playgrounds anymore. She didn't step on the plank and fell through the gap. Her head got caught for a second and then she fell onto the ground.
She was terrified. We were panicked.
We're going to be making some phone calls about it. That gap isn't supposed to be that damn big! Hell, the other side wasn't even that big of a gap!
After there, we hit up the grocery store to get some pork chops for dinner since they're on sale (buy one, get one free). We stopped at my mom's for a bit where Aurora fought us to come home.
******************************
Yesterday she had an eye exam, she's fine for another couple of years. LOL!
I was cleaning and fell... I was trying to get up before Brett and Aurora came home but didn't succeed. I busted my knee, killed my pinkie toe, and hit my head on the tile in our kitchen.
He helped me up and after a while, I was back up and cleaning.
=)
******************************
So far today, it's been slow. I feel blahish.
I've been working on my homework though.
I did spend 80 minutes watching Descent: Part 2 this morning.
In my opinion, it was pretty good. I squealed at one part... and I'm happy it didn't wake Aurora up. LOL! It could have been more of me being half asleep but *nods* I'm hoping there is a third one for sure!
I'm hoping to do the dishes today. I might not get to it though. Brett was supposed to do them the past two days, but that's another story altogether. He still hasn't brought her monkey in from the car like I asked him to this morning. Ugh! Six more hours without him... and to get my homework done.
I'm hoping to get my ungraded and graded quizzes completed for Math, possibly one of those writing assignments, my notes and reading for English, and to find the rest of the fallacies I'm missing.
Now let's see if Aurora cooperates with me on that!
21:39 Apr 06 2010
Times Read: 1,174
Oh how the tables have turned!
Brett has had a really horrible day and I'm getting him out of the house.
I'm driving... I'm taking care of it all. I know he just needs to get out of the house and his mind off of things from today!
♥
11:27 Apr 06 2010
Times Read: 1,182
I haven't gotten much sleep throughout the night. My legs have been really restless and I don't know what to do about it.
Aurora's already starting to stir but doesn't want to get up yet. So within the next hour, she'll be up and moving.
I'm hoping to take a nap with her later on today.
Running on little to no sleep with her gets insane after awhile.
*sighs* I have to tackle my homework too but today is one of those... "screw the housework" days! I'll have Brett do the dishes though.
*yawns* I'm so tired.
15:29 Apr 04 2010
Times Read: 1,194
The sun is shining. The hunt will be on. The cookies are yummy.
... And Aurora has officially stuffed her face with a muffin!
The start of a good day!
Happy Easter all!
06:08 Apr 04 2010
Times Read: 1,201
I'm losing my mind. I made the cookies. The Easter Bunny hasn't visited yet. The eggs are stuffed for the hunt. The baskets are not even packed yet. Ugh!
Aurora's fighting sleep. We probably are not going to church in the morning even though I really wanted to.
I played Animal Crossing for the first time in three months for like 15 minutes while the muscle rub stuff soaked in on my foot.
Brett dropped a toolbox on my foot today while my sister, her boyfriend and Tyler had Aurora. It hurts like hell!
The store was INSANE today! Ugh! *hides*
I had a bad flashback when waking up to sex. So one of my favorite things was turned into a nightmare.
Expectations I have of people suck ass when they don't live up to even half of them. Either do something or not... don't come up with loopholes around it!
We have to be to my mom's by 11 in the morning tomorrow. Ugh! I'm waking up by 7 am. I can't wake up sooner. I've been doing so much the past three days that I've barely gotten sleep and I have so much homework I'm behind on.
Tomorrow when I get home, I'm making a list and working through as much as possible.
Monday evening is going to be for homework and/or me!
I'm tired of worrying about everything and everyone.
If you want my opinion, then ask. If not, then don't. But fuckin' hell, if you ask for my opinion then take it to heart! Don't act like I'm some stupid person who has no idea at all what they're talking about! Give me some credit!
I'm falling asleep while typing this so the Easter Bunny is going to be running late into the morning because I can't stay awake...
I feel horrible.
16:41 Apr 03 2010
Times Read: 1,205
My sister has Aurora for most of the day today... and what have I done?
I've scrubbed her carpets insanely while having Brett do the walls. I have to wait for a bit to vacuum again.
Here in a few, I'm heading downstairs to get more clothes done and do some more things down there.
I still haven't gotten the time to do any homework or mop the kitchen floor.
*screams* I'm going insane in a very short time!
Damn holidays!
15:10 Apr 02 2010
Times Read: 1,213
Well, my day started at 7:30 for the most part. Brett didn't like being forced to get up three minutes after the alarm went off. I hung Aurora's dry clothes up in her closet. Have some in the dryer getting dry now... and a load of her clothes soaking in the washer.
Brett has the psychiatrist appointment today. My mom is watching Aurora for us during that time. Once done, my mom is following us to the store so that she can get some of Aurora's favorite things. LOL! Aurora's excited.
Aurora is being even more stubborn than usual today. She's already had five screaming fits over being told no on getting things she knows she's not allowed. And for trying to rip up books.
I just printed out recipes for my mom... *sighs* Tomorrow is going to be a LONG day.
I'm helping my mom cook some of the food for Easter. My sister is supposed to be helping too... we don't get along at all.
Tomorrow either before I go to my mom's or after, we're coloring eggs over here with Aurora. I still need to get the eggs for the Easter egg hunt done tonight.
Ugh! So much to do!
I'm being kept on my toes about everything...
And of course, Brett messed up the living room again. *sighs* Aurora's and mine castle building spot too...
He's rolling smokes... tobacco is everywhere in our apartment. Grrrrrness!
Looks like I'm going to have to deal with that once again today.
My list of the day includes:
-Two loads of clothes washed, dried (either by hanging or the dryer), and hung up.
-The fridge cleaned out.
-Aurora's Easter basket be brought out.
-Go grocery shopping.
-Get Brett's appointment in.
-Scrub Aurora's floor today or tomorrow.
-The dishes.
-Wii Fit.
-Three writing assignments.
-One discussion forum.
-One quiz.
-Get the Easter eggs for the hunt ready.
-Vacuum the living room, hallway, and Aurora's room.
-Mop the kitchen.
I think that's more of a list for throughout the weekend. LOL! I know it's too much for me to get done today but I hope to get it done today and tomorrow though!
Later!
18:22 Apr 01 2010
Times Read: 1,217
I wonder if my daughter is going to take a nap today or not. *sighs* She can barely keep her eyes open and still she's fighting it will all she can.
I'm hoping she naps a little bit so I can get some dishes done, take a quiz, and possibly watch a movie or some Steel Angel while she sleeps.
I don't know...
She's worn me out insanely though. We've been doing so much.
I'm getting back off of here for now.
17:02 Apr 01 2010
Times Read: 1,218
Please give me the strength to get through the day with little "bad thoughts" or attacks upon myself.
I am doing my homework.
Aurora's downstairs tearing up the apartment.
She somehow got a pill bottle that was on the top shelf of the one bookcase. It was empty before anyone asks!
*sighs*
I'm cleaning.
I'm trying to get her to take her nap down here but I'm not sure that's going to work.
I need to sort through the clothes in the washer... so I can hang them up in our bathroom.
I wish I could place them on a cord outside on our back porch. It even states that in our lease. *sighs*
So... we have closets and the bathroom to hang them up at. They're not dripping at all so it's fine to put them in the closets hanging with the doors open. The windows are open too.
I feel better than yesterday.
Situations aren't the best but they're better than I thought!
So improvement... improvement... good thoughts... believing... and repeated exposure.
One step at a time, one foot in front of the other. We can make it if we only try.
Here we go!
I'm bouncing back to "my progress board" yet again and fighting my way through the "bad stuff!"
13:45 Apr 01 2010
Times Read: 1,221
I'm wearing my daddy's pants at the moment. I'm doing some of my homework and trying to get as much done.
Aurora hit her head and sliced open her forehead yesterday evening. We took her over to my mom's because she wouldn't let us see how bad it was.
She's responding fine and everything. I keep on waking her up. It's strange that she doesn't want to get up this morning and it's already 8:42 p.m.
... But then again, every four hours, I have to give her Tylenol otherwise she's screaming from pain.
She cut it on her closet door. She's gotten into the adventurous stage and jumping off of everything and anything!
She jumped off her bed into the closet door.
And of course, she won't leave a bandaid on it.
Ugh!
00:27 Apr 01 2010
Times Read: 894
I need advice...
I'm supposed to be making dinner right now but I feel like I need to put something here.
I had my therapy appointment. It went pretty okay, I think. I'm not sure. I shared some things with the therapist that I probably shouldn't have... like the cat licking my toes thing that there was honestly no cat there or even around me.
I pointed out where my psychiatrist contradicted himself by mistake and she's going to call and talk to him about it.
Um I'm a little behind in my homework but not by much.
I'm so not ready for this weekend to come up and Easter to be here but I guess I'll just carry on with fake smiles and whatnot over at my mom's.
I'm depressed.
I'm grieving.
I can't sleep.
I'm not even hungry.
I'm calling my psychiatrist tomorrow evening to see if I can change myself over to the one sleep medication he had me on before. I still have some of those pills. I just don't want to take them without permission and whatnot.
I need to do something.
I guess this is where Courtney would say...
"Something big and life-changing. Let's make the Earth shake."
God, I miss her so much. I just want my Court Court back.
I'm scared to edit or change anything on her MySpace. I'm scared and cry because I don't think anything I write about her does her real justice.
I don't have any recording of her voice except her SnapVine thing on her MySpace. *smiles* I listen to it quite often, probably too often in the eyes of other people.
I want my bestest friend back though.
I wish I could do something to make sure I don't forget the smallest things about her.
But how exactly do you fight time on that?
She was 21 years old. She had to fight her whole life.
Why couldn't she win this one damn battle?
I mean hell, she was one of the purest people I've ever had the privilege to meet and she was my best friend.
I loved and love her.
Like I confided in a friend the other day and to Brett too...
There's only one thing I think I'm going to regret throughout my whole life...
And that is never trying to start a relationship with the one girl I was madly in love with.
Yes, I said it.
In love with.
I was head over heels for her. She always shined so brightly in my life since I first became friends with her in 2001. I knew her before but we hadn't gotten to talk to each other before then.
And yet, she's gone now.
All the those she told me to shut up and kiss her...
Gone.
All those times we cried in each others arms over something...
Gone.
She's gone.
She's dead.
I can't even get it through my head. I can't even really admit it to myself that the one person who ALWAYS understood me or at least tried to is in fact, gone.
Every time I start thinking about everything...
I get a knot in my throat, my eyes start burning with tears, I feel completely hopeless, I feel like I've lost everything, and I just can't seem to stop myself from breaking down until I take anxiety medication which is actually a sedative.
Yeah, I take a sedative three times a day just to be able to have a chance to face my anxieties.
I've wanted to cut so badly and I've almost turned to that old habit more than once.
I don't want that to be me again.
And yet, I can't even cut when I've tried. And trust me, I've tried. Even a broken disc wouldn't even pierce my skin.
I feel like I'm one a self destructive path leading to my own end. And sadly I don't even think I would mind that.
Yeah, I have a fiancee.
Yeah, I have a beautiful two-year-old daughter.
But I still feel so alone in the world.
I lost my Grandma who I was always close with.
I lost my best friend, John who was always there for me growing up. Hell, he was always by my side.
And I lost my bestest friend in the world, Courtney in February.
How the hell could I not feel alone?
I feel suicidal at times but it's not like I'm stupid enough to act on it all.
Hell, it's not like I would ever see any of them if I freakin' killed myself, huh?
No matter how much I write, how much I try to talk or anything else, I can't get it all out of my head or feel any better about it.
My dad died in 2004 and look at me today! I cry about him every week, I feel so alone, almost abandoned, and I just try to remember the good times and move on... Like he would want me to.
But I can't.
He was my dad and Courtney was my best friend.
How can I just move on like that?
I guess I need someone to talk to but I'm not welcoming anyone too easily anymore. I feel utterly alone and I guess that I'm cutting people out of my life again.
I know I have friends on here that I can talk to but it's not like I feel I can talk to them always about anything and everything, especially when I feel so ignorant and stupid for wanting to hurt myself or worst.
Give me advice if you have any. Send me a message. I'll get back. It may take me a bit but if you've read my journal... I'm sure you know that I'm just like that.
COMMENTS
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samanthasprettycorpse
04:19 May 02 2010
*hugs* It would keep me up at night to think of this too.