19:26 Jul 13 2026
Times Read: 99
For the past few years I, like a lot of people my age, have been reflecting on who I am, what roles I play, and how I perceive the world and the various gaps and discrepancies among those concepts. Who am I really in contrast to the parts that I play? How does that contrast affect how I see the world?
The part that I play is strong, capable, and even aggressive; the person who will speak up and always seems willing to fight the good fight. I'm the wallet, the person someone is going to hit up when they need something financial sorted out. And I'm the ever available therapist, on call to rescue someone from feeling bad about themselves and give a little boost for the ego. There is a reason why every member of my family wants me to be the administrator to their Trusts, that's what this ol' gal is good for, guarding your wishes and carrying out your wills!
While I have a solid core group of friends I felt myself getting too lost and distracted by others with whom I have friendships because I am THEIR friend, if that makes sense. My true vice: one sided relationships with emotionally needy but unavailable people.
I like to think of navigating life like I would navigate a sailboat on the water. I can't control the wind, the weather, nor the water. Those are like all of life's elements around me, from traffic jams to the people around me. I have my boat, my sails, and myself and sometimes it's necessary to adjust the sails and move away from things.
What I need and what I am doing right now is moving away from the relationships that ask of me and then seemingly forget me when their needs are met. It's not good for me, I don't think it's good for anyone, but that particular dynamic has caused a lot of hardship and heartache in my life and frankly I'm tired. I was angry but now I just feel done and ready to grow out of assuming I don't matter. The "I don't matter" complex is getting cumbersome and awkward as hell because I'm surrounded by people who want to be let in and want to care the way I care for them, yet I'm feeding the toxic narrative of only mattering if I'm useful to them.
One sided relationships aren't always quietly neglectful, sometimes those relationships will outright tell you to keep your problems quiet because someone else's always take center stage and you'll struggle in your darkest most self destructive moments to ask for help because you were told the message, loud and clear, that no one has time for you. You're a burden unless you're making yourself useful.
It's time to stop. Sssssttttoppppp. It feels good to say out loud that way, long and drawn out as I exhale.
Codependency is a obnoxious pattern, so I'm done and I'm changing things. (Like, seriously girl, grow up.)
In other news, the garden is going really well. I need to harvest and figure out what to do with three very large cabbages. Thank goodness for gardening, it really helps me mentally and then I get to eat stuff. Win-win.
COMMENTS
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Cartomancer
20:41 Jul 13 2026
Nope, none of that sounds good. I have family members similar… They don’t care to keep in contact unless they are asking for money. And if you say no, they are going to try and run your name through the mud.
One of my old friends kind of dropped off the face of the Earth – we were texting and I asked if she wanted to chat and she said she’d call me in a few minutes… That was a year ago. I still haven’t gotten the call. 😂 I put that emoji there – but no, it’s not funny.
People are indeed disappointing – and it’s part of the reason I want to get another dog. I had such a tease with that dog I found, we bonded so quickly… but I found her owner and had to do the right thing.
I’m picking up a puppy on Friday. My labrador is going to be really happy, and I will have a little one to sleep in bed with me. That little girl dog I found reminded me of how important it is to have physical contact… I don’t have physical contact with people at all unless it’s my son coming over to visit. I love my boy Torii, but he’s not a cuddler. There’s nothing wrong with him – he just has his personality… And he’s great in his particular way.
So yeah – dogs are better than people. But you know that!
MooniePie
02:41 Jul 14 2026
This hit me hard. I've been struggling with this myself for a handful of months, probably longer, but words failed me. I didn't know how to express it. Thank you for saying it out loud.
I'm always here, I see you. 🩵
Cartomancer
14:39 Jul 14 2026
I wasn’t trying to put the focus on me with my comment, I was just sharing common ground- it’s not the same scenario… but dealing with selfish people is so prevalent.
It’s hard to trust. We are always being let down because we have a personal code and it’s hard to believe others don’t seem to have one. There’s nothing wrong with shutting people out who make you feel like you don’t count for as much. And then the challenge is not allowing ourselves to change who we are innately because of those shitheads. Gotta find balance between self-preservation and following your heart when it leads you. And that’s probably a struggle people have their whole lives. It has been for me, anyway… nearing my 53rd birthday this Fall.
It’s particular rough when you care about people in general. You are always fighting the good fight for those who are getting shafted in our society- and we don’t seem to be making much ground no matter how much we try. This country feels like it’s devolving. Our safe communities are very small… so small they can be hard to find. I often feel like I don’t have one. But I don’t don’t know if that’s true, or that I have done it to myself in a way due to becoming so reclusive due to experience.