The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Another beautiful summer day with bird song and lush green everywhere I turn. As we walk I breathe in the sun baked vanilla scent of wild grass and I think of how my perception narrows in winter. All of the wild scents disappear into dark wood and rock, leaving behind a starkly beautiful world of the buried and sleeping.

Patterns, all patterns.

We are all surrounded by patterns that flow out from us as well. I've repeated patterns similar to winter by burying much of myself and presenting a simplified starkness to the world in the form of servitude and self denial. But much like the world around me, I can thaw and emerge from the muck with many scents and colors.

It is an uncanny but joyful journey, kindling friendships with people and discovering that we are meeting at the same crossroads despite vastly different backgrounds.
We've all been expected to tolerate the crossing of boundaries with the same shallow humor our former connections felt toward our wounds. What was distilled down to "awkward" previously is now simply acknowledged and held for what it is in this circle. No one inflames the hurt or even tries to rescue each other, it is simply known and respected and adopted as a boundary, and in that there is a sense of protection and love I have not known before.

Nothing is lost time, like winter despite its frozen appearance, years spent in dysfunction have led to the integration of those experiences. Under the stark cold surface was observance, recognition, and prediction practiced again and again until a web of patterns emerged and now with "the thaw" those patterns are laid bare.

I mean, imagine being so hurt and crushed by quiet removal when you're the type of person to tell others to just deal with something on their own because you don't want to go through the trouble of having a basic boundary. Imagine pushing someone away and then being "crushed" when they stay away.

You are flippant with the heartache of others, yet you're always perfectly capable of expressing the deepness of your own wounds. Dismissive of betrayal as long as there's the temptation of flattery. Willing to demonize a former friend just for the chance of passing affection. All while pushing me and my warnings away until you needed something. I see the patterns for what they are and I am taking my hands off this wheel and leaving y'all to Jesus.

Patterns, patterns. You aren't given a 5 star review as a friend and someone removes themselves, quietly, and you predictably need your ego picked up off the floor. It always was and still is about you. Self hatred is still self obsession.

I am not a real person to you and wonder if I never was. Just another player in a cast of characters.

How will you greet these challenges, little breath of star dust? What will you do with something sturdy under your feet? I can never tell what is coming next when you reach a plateau, will you rest for a moment, will your roots push down deep beneath you and tie you to that sanctuary, or will you climb even higher? Higher isn't the end all - be all, you know. Have you been valuing peaks over valleys, restless one? I've idled by, turning the puzzle of you this way and that, hoping to tickle out a confession or explanation, why? Why is it never enough, why seek a summit? Is it merely to look back on what you had and left behind?

I'm begging you, do not become a being who needs loss to put into perspective what was had.

COMMENTS

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Adain
13:37 Jul 15 2026

I once reached a summit. I described it as looking over heaven with everything I ever loved by my side.

The trouble is that I was placed there, I didn't climb there, and I couldn't stay there. Instead, I choose worldly goodies and lots of pleasure and, sadly, the only place to go is down from the summit to have them.

I think about that summit every day. I believe I could achieve it again if I had enough love for what placed me there, but the truth is perhaps I don't. It's a sad fact for me to accept. I'm too wrapped up in what wraps me up and the summit is a distant horizon now.

I keep believing that one day I will wake up and start afresh, concentrate on heaven and God. That is what I'm talking about, yet all I want to do is play with Satan.

I'm overstimulated at the moment. Waiting for the crash lol.

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Morrigon
15:10 Jul 16 2026

That's my fear as well, that the longing is more meaningful than the goal and would it be a waste of life to pine like that instead of fully appreciating it all?

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Adain
17:39 Jul 16 2026

I chat to God and Satan. Some might call it schizophrenia, but whatever.

Satan's point of view is that no matter how much I strive in my existence to reach God's plateau, it will never be worth the loss of all the pleasures I will forfeit to reach it along the way.

And I tend to agree.

I view existence as a snakes and ladders board and I did reach the top of it once, and it was really great up there, but I fell. I'm on square one now. And I like it. I get to be 'me'—the real me, not the guy who keeps pretending to be something else in order to seek a higher plateau. I don't need that in order to remain content and happy. I'm staying on square one, where I feel at home. I'm tired of reaching for the stars.

I left VR last night. I did some lurking from the outside. I have no shame.

I undeleted my profile to reply to you, but now I'm deleting myself again. I managed to piss everyone off on this site inside 3 months, so that's the average for a website to stay for me. At least it got me over Easter.

Look after yourself and I hope you find what you want.

I have found a new online home now anyway. I've had three this year, one for number four atm.

Cheers.

Bye.

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Morrigon
13:34 Jul 17 2026

Enjoy the valleys, lol.

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Joli
04:11 Jul 21 2026

You had me at "little breath of stardust". Your teasing wordplay with yourself contains its own answer. Roots and climbing, restlessness and questions... These are the things that bring me back to see how you are, gorgeous soul.

"I've idled by, turning the puzzle of you this way and that," I don't blame you a bit. What a wonderful puzzle! Can't even cheat with the corner pieces... Gotta work from the inside out. You are so lovely.

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For the past few years I, like a lot of people my age, have been reflecting on who I am, what roles I play, and how I perceive the world and the various gaps and discrepancies among those concepts. Who am I really in contrast to the parts that I play? How does that contrast affect how I see the world?

The part that I play is strong, capable, and even aggressive; the person who will speak up and always seems willing to fight the good fight. I'm the wallet, the person someone is going to hit up when they need something financial sorted out. And I'm the ever available therapist, on call to rescue someone from feeling bad about themselves and give a little boost for the ego. There is a reason why every member of my family wants me to be the administrator to their Trusts, that's what this ol' gal is good for, guarding your wishes and carrying out your wills!

While I have a solid core group of friends I felt myself getting too lost and distracted by others with whom I have friendships because I am THEIR friend, if that makes sense. My true vice: one sided relationships with emotionally needy but unavailable people.

I like to think of navigating life like I would navigate a sailboat on the water. I can't control the wind, the weather, nor the water. Those are like all of life's elements around me, from traffic jams to the people around me. I have my boat, my sails, and myself and sometimes it's necessary to adjust the sails and move away from things.

What I need and what I am doing right now is moving away from the relationships that ask of me and then seemingly forget me when their needs are met. It's not good for me, I don't think it's good for anyone, but that particular dynamic has caused a lot of hardship and heartache in my life and frankly I'm tired. I was angry but now I just feel done and ready to grow out of assuming I don't matter. The "I don't matter" complex is getting cumbersome and awkward as hell because I'm surrounded by people who want to be let in and want to care the way I care for them, yet I'm feeding the toxic narrative of only mattering if I'm useful to them.

One sided relationships aren't always quietly neglectful, sometimes those relationships will outright tell you to keep your problems quiet because someone else's always take center stage and you'll struggle in your darkest most self destructive moments to ask for help because you were told the message, loud and clear, that no one has time for you. You're a burden unless you're making yourself useful.

It's time to stop. Sssssttttoppppp. It feels good to say out loud that way, long and drawn out as I exhale.
Codependency is a obnoxious pattern, so I'm done and I'm changing things. (Like, seriously girl, grow up.)

In other news, the garden is going really well. I need to harvest and figure out what to do with three very large cabbages. Thank goodness for gardening, it really helps me mentally and then I get to eat stuff. Win-win.

COMMENTS

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Cartomancer
20:41 Jul 13 2026

Nope, none of that sounds good. I have family members similar… They don’t care to keep in contact unless they are asking for money. And if you say no, they are going to try and run your name through the mud.

One of my old friends kind of dropped off the face of the Earth – we were texting and I asked if she wanted to chat and she said she’d call me in a few minutes… That was a year ago. I still haven’t gotten the call. 😂 I put that emoji there – but no, it’s not funny.

People are indeed disappointing – and it’s part of the reason I want to get another dog. I had such a tease with that dog I found, we bonded so quickly… but I found her owner and had to do the right thing.

I’m picking up a puppy on Friday. My labrador is going to be really happy, and I will have a little one to sleep in bed with me. That little girl dog I found reminded me of how important it is to have physical contact… I don’t have physical contact with people at all unless it’s my son coming over to visit. I love my boy Torii, but he’s not a cuddler. There’s nothing wrong with him – he just has his personality… And he’s great in his particular way.

So yeah – dogs are better than people. But you know that!

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MooniePie
02:41 Jul 14 2026

This hit me hard. I've been struggling with this myself for a handful of months, probably longer, but words failed me. I didn't know how to express it. Thank you for saying it out loud.

I'm always here, I see you. 🩵

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Cartomancer
14:39 Jul 14 2026

I wasn’t trying to put the focus on me with my comment, I was just sharing common ground- it’s not the same scenario… but dealing with selfish people is so prevalent.

It’s hard to trust. We are always being let down because we have a personal code and it’s hard to believe others don’t seem to have one. There’s nothing wrong with shutting people out who make you feel like you don’t count for as much. And then the challenge is not allowing ourselves to change who we are innately because of those shitheads. Gotta find balance between self-preservation and following your heart when it leads you. And that’s probably a struggle people have their whole lives. It has been for me, anyway… nearing my 53rd birthday this Fall.

It’s particular rough when you care about people in general. You are always fighting the good fight for those who are getting shafted in our society- and we don’t seem to be making much ground no matter how much we try. This country feels like it’s devolving. Our safe communities are very small… so small they can be hard to find. I often feel like I don’t have one. But I don’t don’t know if that’s true, or that I have done it to myself in a way due to becoming so reclusive due to experience.

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