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today i feel a little.... bleh

i dislike Sundays

Douglas Adams was right about the 'long dark tea time of the soul' between 3 and 4 on a Sunday afternoon

i'll be moving out this thursday/friday

i had to, of course, wait until the dsl was set up

which is scheduled this friday

i'm looking forward to living where i don't have to deal with what i am now

well at least i'll have a place to escape it ;]

so i'm doing my thing today, rating portfolios since i love doing it so

and as per my house's and my own personal rules i let her know that copyright infringement is a serious violation of portfolio rules

not only does she decide not to heed my friendly warning but she rates my profile and portfolio a 1

( i rated her profile a 10)

it's so funny to me because someone who is older than i can be so immature.

i have teenagers that apologize for the infractions and fix the problems

but here this 30+ woman acts like a child

i think i laughed a full 10 mins about it



of course i told her that i thought that was very immature since i was doing what i was SUPPOSED to i and she blocked me ;]



aahhh i love being me and dealing with people who have no idea how to interact with people

i've become a lifetime member of the Rave :)

yay! been wanting that for so long... today i set up my own bank account and the first thing i did was buy myself a lifetime membership :)

i'm so happy

it seems so different

so dead

this was where i used to want to be

and then i couldn't

i know things change... but it doesn't seem to be for the better

i will do my best to make it what it used to be

most of the time people don't give me a positive first impression...

every once in a while i meet someone who doesn't have to say a thing to me and i already know i'm going to like them. it disturbs me a little...



i can't get them out of my head and the connection i feel is deep and i know things i shouldn't





i can't say if they feel it in return, but it doesn't matter.. strangers shouldn't captivate me.

i get asked about my quote a lot... usually 'who is Greg?'

so i decided to make a game up about it (details on my profile)

i don't expect many people to care, but it amuses me :)

the quote is so ironic, given how it was said and the subject matter it is presented with...

i just wondered if anyone else noticed it as i did

i'm in love with a british boy... he's a geek, intelligent, he's been my friend for many years and he loves me....

i often wonder what's wrong with him

i'm not sure where that's going to go, but we both are willing to find out.

he's been a big part of why i've needed to stay away, as what has developed has made me figure out myself and my life, but now i can admit to myself that i do, in fact, love him









recently i returned to the room of my youth.. hadn't been there in a couple of years and it was nice to see things i hadn't in a while..



i dug out my old photos that i took while wandering around my life many years ago... most, of course, are crap and there are some painful ones slipped in there, but at least the memories are bitter sweet now instead of stabs of remorse. i find myself wishing everything could be how it used to... and i don't even know what that means... because 'how it used to be' mostly sucked... maybe i mean how it felt to become comfortable with myself and the people i care about then and now, and the good times i did have along the way...........



it's amazing what you forget until a photo reminds you... concerts, random places, friends and yourself.. i met someone in those old photos i hadn't faced in years. i had expected some uncomfortable memories, but not that one. i smiled but there was still an odd pang. i miss those times but at the same time.. i don't.. i was frustrated then.. with myself, how people looked at me, how i felt about people and what i wanted more than anything... but the faces in those snapshots were part of my becoming who i would and will be. i'm taking a collection of the oddly painful photos because i do not want to forget. i want to remember how it felt to be that person who took them. would i feel the same if i took them now? would i still be that frustrated? would i feel that alone again? would i feel so unfamiliar to myself? probably not, but that was just growing up for me. i can feel how i've changed and i really don't want to hold on to the person i used to be and try to be that again, i have to be who that frustrated girl became and she's not so bad how she is now. however, i always want to remember who she was and why she became the way she is. i will never get any of that time back, i will never get a do-over with anyone, i will never see a lot of those people again and i think i've become ok with that. it will always be hard to look at the photos and never fully understand some things that had to happen. i will never be able to lay that to rest because a lot of it was not my decision. even though it hurt then and still does, it's a part of me. they are still a part of me. only one person has honestly been around from there to here and for that i am grateful, but even those who were only around a short time, secured their place in my heart. i wonder if they remember me or if they too have forgotten things that only push their way forward in old snapshots. it doesn't matter though, it only matters that i remember.

i've been gone sooo long. the long boring story is just that... long and boring.. so i won't go into it here

the short story is:

i had some stuff to muck through... personal and professional (relationship and starting my own business wise)

things are a bit clearer now

personally i am moving out this month and will probably go to england late spring/early summer

and then... we'll see.

i'm in no hurry to plan the rest of my life



i'm glad i came back, it took me a little time to get the courage up

i hope to re-new some old friendships (and already have) and get to know some of the people who have joined since i left :)



life is good