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Nights are always the hardest when I am depressed. I have problems with sleep to begin with, so when I am depressed the lack of energy the desire for sleep makes the nights feel longer. I desperately want to sleep, but sleep is so hard. The anxiety that comes with going to sleep creates a situation where I am fighting sleep. Which only drains me of energy quicker. It's such a weird cycle when depression gets mixed in.

Grey. Dreary. Rain hits the window in rhythm, keeping a slow steady beat. Smoke swirls off of the cigarette, fleeting moments evaporating with the sound of the rain. Thoughts swirling in a similar fashion, fleeting and evaporating. Mind restless but that's not to unusual, the unusual part is the lack of energy accompanying it. The desire to just curl up and fall asleep while listening to the rain. Wanting to sleep is the unusual part but it's so very tempting today.

Some days are worse than others when it comes to being an afterthought. It's not just being an afterthought but being disposable. Always disposable.

I don't know why I have moments of expecting anything more. For the most part I accepted it a long time ago, but there still those rare moments where I selfishly want more. Where for just a moment I am not the afterthought, I'm not disposable, I'm not something to just take from.

Sometimes I want to matter to someone else. The feeling will go away and I will be back to being comfortable with being disposable but right now it feels so uncomfortable

Desire becomes more apparent on quiet nights. The quiet nights allow my mind to drift. It brings thoughts that taste sweet. It brings thoughts that create longing. Thoughts that are warm.

The first time I found my way to this site I was a teenager. I was a teenager who was being severely abused and heavily isolated in order to hide that abuse. I don't remember how exactly I stumbled across this little corner but I quickly joined. I would not regret that decision. I quickly found community here. I found friends here. I found family here.

In those early days of being here I relied on those connections. There were times I felt like a burden to those people. There were nights in those days I distinctly remember. I remember the first night I ever voiced to someone else that I was tired, I couldn't see past the abuse anymore. I was enduring without hope so why was I enduring it. I remember them talking to me all night, just to get me through the night. To remind me it can't rain forever. There were many nights like that in the beginning.

People offered distractions. There was always someone I could learn from. If I had questions about religion there were people willing to help. If I needed help and feedback on writing, it was offered. Book recommendations, there were many around.

I always find my way back here, because it was the first place I ever felt seen. It was the first place I ever felt heard. It was the first place where I found solace. I wasn't invisible. This has always been a place where I can exist unapologetically. I don't have to pretend. I can be creative. I can be myself. This will always feel like home.

COMMENTS

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Cadrewolf2
22:03 Feb 06 2026

Welcome back

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Forgiveness is for me. If you have hurt me you don't get to decide the timeline of when I "get over it". You don't get to say "I'm over it so you shouldn't be holding a grudge."

Forgiveness for the action that hurt me has already occurred. I have let go of the anger from the action. My husband may maintain the friendship between you and him, choosing to move past you hurting me but that's him. I don't have to deal with you. Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. It means I have moved past the anger, the deep rooted emotions. The only time I even think about you is when my husband ignores my boundaries and when you try to force interaction.

I'm finally over the cycle of you treating me badly and me ignoring what you did one or two days later. Twelve years of you being mean and hurtful, while expecting me to be a go between for you and my husband because he has his moments of being a man child, expecting me to do chores for you that you can't. You finally did something that made me want to break the cycle.

I'm no longer angry over what was done. I am no longer resentful. I have forgiven you, I am just not willing to forget it this time. I may be annoyed with the attempts to cross my boundaries and I may be annoyed my husband keeps letting you ignore my boundaries, but I have finally found my peace.

COMMENTS

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Zarr
00:58 Feb 07 2026

Right forgive but don't forget.

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