The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

I really do love my bank, they take good enough care of me that they're worth the hassle of the nearest branch being about 1 hour away from me. Like with my business today. I have direct deposit, the good thing about that is that there is no delay with the deposit, as soon as my employer issues the money it's available in my account. However, when I checked my online statement it showed the transaction still pending, my paycheck was issued first thing this morning and that means there's no way it should still be pending. So I called them to ask about it, it turned out that it's not pending but it will show as pending in my online statement until tomorrow. Good enough. Then the banker saw the overdraft fees that are on my account, as we talked about it it came out that there would only have been 1 overdraft if it hadn't been for the $2 ATM fee that I didn't realize I would get. So she offered to refund half my fees, I think it's funny that they have to ask your permission to issue a refund for overdraft fees, and that gave me just that much more money. This isn't the first time they've done something like this for me, they are awesome. They have bent over backwards for me over the past couple years and I love them for it.

I now have proof that my mother's latest health problem is just in her head like all the others before it. I was believing, it seemed genuine enough this time, but I'm also a bit of a skeptic when it comes to her so I decided to test it. It turned out to be bull shit. If she doesn't know about something that should be a problem to her it doesn't bother her, if she thinks there's somthing there that isn't she'll have a problem with it. Reacts to non-existent problems and doesn't react too those in front of her unless she knows they're there. Whatever.

I didn't sleep very well last night, I kept waking up every so often and it took foever for me to fally back to sleep. It was because my mind was on overdrive. It was driving me nuts.

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SinginGhost88
17:03 Apr 30 2010

Same here.

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I can be so stupid sometimes, I really can. Not only am I getting involved in a situation I shouldn't be but I'm get too involved. So far I'm not regretting it but I see a huge potential for a backfire.

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SinginGhost88
05:44 Apr 30 2010

Amen to that.

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You know what stands out to me, and therefore bugs me, most about being out of shape? I was running 2 miles in just under 16 minutes but now I can't even run a full mile, work is a 2 mile trip on the route I take but it takes me just under an hour to get there. *sighs* I need to be more proactive about getting back in shape.

Sleeping didn't work out very well for me last night, I kept waking up throughout the night. I finally woke up at about 5:45 and couldn't get back to sleep. I feel good though and completely awake, I always tell people 6 hours of sleep is optimum for me and here's the proof.

I spent the evening chatting with the girl from work on IMs again, it was a good evening. I had something more than I typed up here that I was going to post but I accidentally changed pages without submittin and I'm worn out, relaxed, and my mind feels like it's trudging through cold molasses. I think I'm going to go to bed.



I noticed that somebody removed me from their friends list today. This happens from time to time and I don't even know who most of the people that have me on there are but I always feel a slight twinge when I catch it, mostly because I wonder if it's one of the few people I actually talk to on here.

Yikes. What a very interesting conversation, very interesting at the end too. Things went in a direction that I wasn't prepared for and people who know me in a certain way know my lack of control in that way. Even if I say no, get me worked up and it doesn't matter because I'll give in. The only exception is if I'm in a relationship with someone and someone other than that person is trying, then I have all the control in the world. Things ended in a strange but hopefully good way. In the end I know for sure that she's into me and that she's a very interesting girl. I'm looking forward to seeing how things go.

I've spent the last few hours talking to the girl I've been crushing on at work through IMs. She kind of goaded me into admitting that I have a thing for her and she admitted the same. It's been an interesting conversation. I have no clue where this leaves us though.

Score! The other night Teressa complained that nobody ever wants to go see a movie with her, I told her I wouldn't mind and ended up giving her my email. Today she emailed me, not about going to a movie but just a random email. I know that's not really impressive but it's a step.

As soon as I can afford a car I'm likely giong to be moving out of here, I'll probably going to be living in my car when that happens too. More ridiculous bull shit. In my current situation I'm pretty much screwed, I'm working part time for minimum wage right now and there don't seem to be any full time positions or even more part time positions in this town that I can get. I can't get back on my feet like that, let alone ahead. So at the top of my priority list is getting a vehicle. My mother has decided that I can't get a vehicle until I can afford insurance as long as I'm staying with her. I get where she's coming from, I really do, but it's just not feasible. If I don't get the car I will never be able to get a job that will allow me to afford the insurance and therefore will never get a car, I'd also never be able to move out of here then. I'd basically be stuck here forever, not acceptable. So, as soon as I can afford to buy a car I won't be saying here anymore but I don't have anywhere else to go. It's better to live in my car and have a chance of making a living than live here and never be able to make what I need to get by. I'm not going to be some loser stuck living with his mother until he's 50. Not happening.

Well that's annoying. I was on a profile for someone that seemed a little interesting, then I clicked to rate them and it tells me there's 'no such user'. What the hell? In the span of about 4 minutes they ceased to exist.

I'm not shy about the fact that I have mental illness but it's not something I'm too out with either. I'm usually pretty vague about most of it, I think I've journaled in detail once or twice but I can't remember. I've actually been diagnosed with a few: severe bipolar (the word 'acute' has been used to describe it before too), ADHD, mild OCD, and borderline personality disorder. I also have some difficulty with fantasy and reality blurring. For the most part I have it all under control, without meds. Sometimes I have less control than others but all in all I think I do ok, the two I have the most trouble with are the ADHD and the trouble with fantasy and reality blurring. I often feel as if my head is spinning and it's like my thoughts are overflowing and spilling out, there are a million things going on up there at any given time. I don't fully understand what borderline personality disorder is but now that I'm thinking about it I'm thinking I should look it up and lear a bit.

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placidchaos
05:43 Apr 26 2010

Huh. I just read an article on borderline personality disorder, it shed light on a few things and I understand it all a little better. I remember the psych talking about it and how it caused problems with my bipolar. The two illnesses are actually similar based on what I'm reading, it's interesting.

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dabbler
06:04 Apr 26 2010

I am

Learning how my mental illness effects others I associete with, especially my girl friend. I have communicated a " game plan" to get through my lows, and to maximize my highs.



You personally have given me assurance through your writingg that clarity

is obtainable.



Thank you,

David

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Work was awesome, it's funny that WORK would be something to improve my mood. Teressa was working tonight and she's always fun to work with, not that I hated working with the others. It was an all around good night. There's more I want to write but I can't get it out of my head right now, I'll come back in put it in here later.

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DeMonic
03:33 Apr 26 2010

:) work improves my mod sometimes too! It is very strange

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This kind of shit is what I hate about my mother, it's fucking ridiculous.

I was playing around on my computer and she said she needed my help, so I set my keyboard and mouse aside and asked her what she needed me to do and her only response was "a lot actually". That didn't tell me shit so I asked her what she needs me to do right this moment, so she rolls her eyes at me and snaps, "Well do you want me to give you an itemized list?" So I got a little pissy and snapped, "No, what exactly do you need me to do right now, first. One thing at a time." It just snowballed from there. She proceeded to do a bunch of stuff while yelling at me and then asks, "Do you see how much I wanted you to do, have you figured out a way I could have explained that without repeating myself?" I said, "Yeah, the same way I said in the first place. One thing at a time." So she yelled at me some more and proceeded to insult me for the next 10 minutes, acting like she's some poor victim and I'm a bad guy who attacked her. Things were not that complicated, I don't know what her problem is but no parent should treat their child like this. She's always treated me this way and worse. People wonder why I say I can't stand and even sometimes hate my mother, deal with mental/emotional and on rare occasions physical abuse from your parent for 18 years of your life and then come talk to me, if you don't feel the same after that I might reconsider my view point. Respect is a big thing for me and she has never treated me with any, I have no respect for her either and if I have no respect for someone they could be about to die for all I care and I would never lift a finger to stop it.

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CelestiaLaura202
01:33 Apr 26 2010

I had a relationship like that with my mother. She drank most of my childhood. I never knew her. When she died she left everything to my stepdad. I didn't care because it never made her happy. When she died , I was sad I never knew the wonderful person people said she was.

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lastresort
06:05 Apr 26 2010

mental illnesses are hereditary. your mom probably has a few undiagnosed. you got them from somewhere.

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Well that was totally weird. I woke up and went to pick my pillow up off the floor but my right hand wouldn't work, it wasn't numb because I could still feel everything but my fingers wouldn't close all the way and I couldn't move my hand ad my wrist. I was starting to get a little worried when it suddenly started tingling and lost feeling except for the tingling, it was the same feeling you get when your hand falls asleep and is 'waking up'. After a moment or two the that feeling went away and I could move it again.

Freakin' A! I was lying here on my futon and quite nearly asleep when suddenly a flash of inspiration came and nagged me until I jotted down a poem. I haven't posted it yet because I'm not sure it's finished.

I've noticed that when I get really badly horny I lose what few sexual inhibitions I have and will do things that I wouldn't otherwise. It's almost like I'm a completely different person and later I'll look back and won't believe the way I was acting or the things I was willing to do. It's weird. It's like my ID takes over completely.

YES! Bwah ha ha ha ha ha haaaah! I beat the viruses! I am the shit! When the virus scan found them and then told me (again) that it couldn't remove them I was smart enough this time to copy the EXACT file locations. So I finished the scan and what not and went to Search to find the files on my comp., once they were found I deleted them forcefully. My computer now seems to be virus free! Take THAT viruses! Heh ;) It seems that they were in my Java cache but they aren't now.

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dabbler
01:40 Apr 24 2010

Cheers to you,



I often suspect such viruses are launched by " protection, and resolution" providers hoping the person infected down loads their crap.

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Man, I was on a roll today and it wasn't a good thing. I decided to ride my bike to work today and that was all well and good except that I pushed myself a little too hard a little too far and almost made myself pass out. Later at work I put some fries down and the grease crackled so violently that some spat up onto my eye lid, the only thing that kept it from being in my eye instead is that I flinched (I'm not sure why, I didn't see the tiny speck of grease arrowing for my eyeball). A little after that it felt like something was stuck in my throat so I tried to cough it up, it managed to get up my nose. That burned and suddenly my sinuses flooded with mucus and it was running down my throat, I ran to the bathroom to get it out and managed to suck back all the mucus and the object and hack it out only to find that it was a tiny piece from a chicken strip I'd eaten earlier. For my finishing move of the day I took out my knife to cut the tape on a box so I could pull out a bag of chicken filets, only I forgot to close my blade and accidentally stabbed the back of my left hand in the process. It's only a tiny stab but it went in a little deep and bled like crazy. What a day, what a day. On the bright side, I found out that I get 4 more hours on Saturday.

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dabbler
01:43 Apr 24 2010

Hmm something occupying your mind?



Have you recently changed a routine?



Such mishaps occur shortly after I change routine, or adopt new routines.

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My stupid computer is having some annoying trouble. As I'm moving the mouse it will suddenly stop and tell me that it doesn't recognize the USB device for just a moment before being fine, the right speaker will suddenly stop putting out sound for just a moment and then fix, and last but certainly not least is that my web browser keeps stalling after a while and if I try to reconnect it will tell me that there's "little or no connectivity" until I restart my computer. *sigh* I need to get a couple of flash drives to back up what I want to keep off the hard drive and do a hard wipe, start 100% from scratch and maybe then I won't keep having problems.

Just about 1 week until I get paid, I so can't wait. I'm tired of having no money and want to have some, even if I can't really spend it.

You know, I'm actually a little jealous of people that get drunk or whatever. People who just have fun, I wish I could. I used to be like that, when I was 15 and younger. I don't know how to be that way anymore though, even though that's really who I am inside. It sucks. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that deep down I'm a drunk or a wild party child. I'm just saying I'm a lot more carefree and fun inside than I'm able to express outwardly.

You know, I really want to get high right now. I've never been high before but I really want to try it, I don't know where I can get any around here though.

Wow. I just got sent a reply to a message I sent about a craigslist post 2 years ago. ??

I'm feeling a little cranky and unpleasant at the moment. Props to my mother for ruining what was a pretty good mood through her misdirected and ridiculous spitefulness.

I did some work on the bike (bicycle, not motorcycle) I got from my neighbor, it may be second hand but it's a bike and that's cool by me. Saying I did some work makes it sound almost like I had to fix it up but that's not the case, I just had to take a book basket off the back and I had to spray paint the front. At some point something must have happened because most of the bike is black with gray speckles but the front piece that holds the front tire was purple, that's the part I spray painted and it is now black and sufficiently manly so that I can ride it in public. I'm just waiting for the paint to dry now. So I at least have that much and it won't take me almost an hour to get to work anymore. The next step is to get wheels that don't depend on me to supply the motion.

One of my coworkers mkes it fun working there. Anyone who knows me well enough knows that I'm a pervy smart ass, this coworker feeds into it and is the same way. We were smartin' off at each other and there was a lot of inuendo involved. Then she went to wash her hands and for some reason when she pumped the hand soap it shot out and got on my pant leg. So I hollared at the supervisor, "John! Teressa just shot a bunch of white stuff on me!" If you were there it was awesome.

Later on I was putting together stuff to go out with an order and the same supervisor says to me, "Honey, butter." I looked at him and said, "Oh? You givin' me nicknames?" We all busted up laughing as he turned bright red and walked off going, "Noooo, hell no." I love people who not only get my sense of humor but that share in it also.

You know, I'm constantly trying to avoid or ignore reality in one way or another. It's mostly all internal but when I watch or read certain things it's (I can't figure out the right word to describe it). I don't know, I was trying to think of how to say things but I just don't seem to have the right words, I don't know what the deal is.

I just got back in from a walk, I was out for about an hour and didn't realize it had been that long until I got in the door. While I was out I happened to run into one of my neighbors hangin' out with his friends. At first I didn't even notice him, I saw a bunch of people sittin' around outside drinking and didn't really pay that much attention. As I was passing them some girl waved and said hi, then she asked if I wanted to join their party. It took me a moment to process what she said because I had the music crankin' in my headphones and by the time I popped one out she asked my name. Naturally I responded and suddenly my neighbor stands up and starts talking to me. This guy's pretty cool in my books, he saved me about $100. I was planning to buy a new bike at the end of the month since I don't really have enough to get a car, he has a bike just sitting around that he said I can have. The bike needs a little manified but that's easily doable. He's also told me if I ever get bored or just need to escape that I can come over to their place and hang. Needless to say, I like my neighbor. All in all, I'd say it was a good walk.



On the down side, I'm goin' just a little nuts. I have a problem with almost none of my shirts ever feeling like they're sitting on my shoulders comfortably, I twitch my shoulders a lot because of that. The good thing about that is that I have veeeery toned muscles around there. The bad thing about it is when I get too amped up, whether just stressed or because my ADHD is in overdrive, I twitch a whole helluva lot more. It gets old twitching every 2 seconds, ya know? The only way to get myself to stop the twitching is to take off my shirt, very annoying. That's how I'm feeling tonight, I feel good like I always do after my walks but I also seem to have picked up a bunch of energy, I feel like I need to do something physical to burn it all off. If I happened to be in better shape I'd probably go for a run right now, that's what I really feel like doing the most, but I wouldn't run very far before I had to slow down, that would only make things worse.

When talking to me it's never a good idea to just start talking out of the blue, you have to make sure you've got my attention. There's a very simple way to get my attention, you just have to say my first name. It's especially important to do that if I'm reading or have headphones in. Of all people my mother should know this, I've been this way my whole life. Yet she started randomly talking to me twice in 5 minutes just now and I wasn't listening soon enough to have any clue what she was saying, then she has the nerve to get annoyed with me over it. That makes me cranky.

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dabbler
16:09 Apr 18 2010

Here Here, the assumtions people make! Arrogant enough to think everyone hangs on their every pause, waiting until they priviliage us with speech!



I have lose of stereo hearing, and the moment I look away, people begin talking..



this after I was engaged just a minute ago, they had nothing to say then though.



Very disturbing people. With no etiquette.

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I got called something I don't think I've ever been called before, somebody tole me I'm "interesting". I've been callled weird, strange, creepy, and similar things but not interesting.

I've been going over the conversations between a girl at work and myself in my head trying to get a better handle on it. For the most part she acted towards me the same way she did the others but there were certain things that got my attention, like when she told me she was excited when she saw she was going to be working with me again or when she suddenly asked me what kinds of girls I'm into.

I know there was some flirting but what I'm not sure about is if it was just innocent fun or if some of it was a little more serious, it's really hard to tell with this girl.

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dabbler
16:11 Apr 18 2010

Bro,



You hit upon profound matters, always presented articulatly.

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Another day another dollar, I work at 11 today. I'm only scheduled for 9 hours this week, I knew this was a part time job but I didn't realize it was going to be so skimpy on hours. Obviously I'm still looking for more work but in this town that possibility is pretty slim, I need to remember to call Pizza Hut tomorrow.

On the bright side, I found out that I don't need to take the ACT because they can use the results from the generic version of it that I took a couple months ago. Now I need to get in touch with the high school I graduated from to have them send over the official copy of my transcripts, get in touch with MCC to have them send over my test scores, and file for financial aid so I can pay for college. I'm really looking forward to this.

I had a great day at work today, it was actually a lot of fun goofin' off with my coworkers. I'm totally crushing on one of the girls I work with too, she's got my kind of humor and we seem to have a lot in common but unfortunately I'm not really in a position to date right now and she has a boyfriend. Such is life.

My sister is such a twit. She's allergic to milk and she ate something with milk in it. Seriously? Come one people, if you know you have a food allergy you should read the damn labels to make sure it's ok. I mean, that's why they put those damn things on there.

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SinginGhost88
03:47 Apr 17 2010

Yea but its fun to watch the stupid get sick =)

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Yikes. I woke up this morning to find that my lip ring fell out, thankfully it was sitting on my chest but it's still annoying. I really need to get a new one so this doesn't happen, it's because I lost the ball a while back.

It's official, my computer is a piece of shit. I JUST wiped the hard drive and fixed everything, the only thing I've done to it is run updates and put antivirus on it. I haven't done anything to mess it up but it is. I was pushed into finally wiping it when "Network Connections" went caput and therefore my net stopped working, I have the internet back but now a bunch of other things aren't working properly and it's pissing me off. I need to get a couple of 4 gig flash drives to put all my music and writing on and do a hard wipe, remove everything and start completely from scratch. The wipe I did this time made a back up of all my personal files and I think that might be what tripped it up (though it shouldn't have). The only thing I might take as a comfort is that whatever is wrong with it isn't a virus (though that's as much an annoyance as it is a comfort).

I'm feeling extremely cranky at the moment. I'm really tired of all this crap! I'm tired of trying to get on my feet, JUST getting there, and then having the rug pulled out from under me. So I started things out with a disadvantage and still have some, big deal, this is getting ridiculous. If things don't work this time I think I might just turn to a life of crime. Living honestly has gotten me nowhere so far so why not? *sigh* I'm just in a bad mood and don't want to give a fuck about anything at the moment.

So... Things are goin' pretty good. I got a few extra hours this week, that's a plus. It looks like I might get more next week. I've been doing more walking again lately thanks to the lack of transportation, I actually enjoy it and I'm happier when I walk more. I've lost 15 pounds over the last couple weeks, thanks to the walking and the severe cutting back I've done to eating sweets and drinking soda. I'm limiting myself to only drinking pop at work right now and even then I'm only drinking Sierra Mist, it's less unhealthy than colas are so I thought that would be a good change to make.



The only real downside right now is that I'm not going to get to go to Lazerfest but the upshot to that is it's because I'll be working, that's graduation weekend for the college here so we'll be busy and there are a few people that need it off for various reasons. So no concert but extra hours at work, it's a trade off I guess and there's always next year to go to Lazerfest and there are always more concerts throughout the year.

My moods are flip-flopping at the moment, one moment I feel one way and the next I feel another. One moment I feel lonely and depressed and want nothing more than to curl up in a corner and ignore the world for the rest of my life, the next I feel like going for a walk and just disappearing, the next I wish I had someone here just to lie next to, then I feel like I really want to hurt/kill/mutilate/do generally bad things to people, then I feel like I just want to fuck someone's brains out, and etc... It's getting on my nerves. I need to go for a walk but I just don't feel up to it right now.

I'm in one of my lonely/depressive moods right now, it sucks.

I was looking at applying to the university here but I'll have to take the ACT, the next dest date isn't until June 12 and the nearest test center is about 1 hour away. Hmm, I'd still like to try but I'll have to see. It's going to cost and there are other things I need to figure out too.

I'm am doing my best not to stare at the hot girls sunbathing in bikinis out in the yard of these apartments, it's harder than you'd think. *sigh* I don't think it should be though, I think this should tell me just how lonely and probably horny I am.

Wow. Sometimes I can be so ridiculous. I read on my ex's facebook page, my most recent ex that I chose to break up with, that she'd gone to see Clash of the Titans with some guy. For a moment I reacted very badly, my first thought was of denial and aggression. I don't even know if this was a date or if they just went as friends. I have no clue and I have no right to be upset, I made my choice and when I'm thinking reasonably I stand by it. I don't really understand why I was like that for even a moment.

So what's up with me these days? A lot and not much. I'm currently staying with my mother and sister in Southern IA and I have a part time job at a Maid-Rite here. I'm trying to find another part time job so I can save up money as quickly as possible to get a new used car and get out on my own again. Being here isn't exactly the ideal situation for me, there were reasons why I was in such a hurry to move out when I was 18. Being here is bringing up a lot of negative memories, it's also very tense and stressful without them. I'm stuck back in the same situation I was in when all of my repression started, when I first started closing off from people because I had to pretend to be someone I wasn't just to get through the day in peace. I hated then and I hate it even more now, at least I don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not while I'm here but I'm also not able to be myself. I love my sister and mother but I just can't stand them all that much. My sister is a HUGE bigot and they're both narrow-minded religious fanatics that can't even adhere to their own religion properly, they're also major hypocrits. I can't count the number of times I've wanted to beat some sense into their heads but I couldn't, mostly I just keep my mouth shut and pretend I heard nothing. I no longer have any of my books because my mother wouldn't let me keep them and stay here, I didn't have any choices on where to go so I did what I had to. I'm not happy about that.



I've been mostly cut off from VR because I didn't have my own computer hooked up and I couldn't go to it on my mother's. It's been driving me nuts, I've been doing so much thinking lately that I wanted to journal but couldn't. Being in this town has strongly reminded me of when I was in the 10th grade. I'm not one to really regret things but there is one thing that I would change if I had the chance. Back then I was blasting through school credits like they were nothing and they were to me, so the school had agreed to let me take post-secondary classes that they would pay for. I'd signed up for Intro. to Lit. and Psych. 101, they were both online classes. During the process I had to go down to the college I was taking them through and fill out some paperwork. There was some confusion during this process and somehow I'd ended up accidentally applying for acceptance to the university instead, I was accepted. I was pretty surprised. Because of the fact that I was still in high school and working two jobs to pay the bills, I had to get everything straightened out and decline. I shouldn't have. If I had the chance to do that over I would and I would do everything in my power to go to college then. Just think about it, if I had gone that route I could be finishing up my Bachelors right now. How different things have gone than they could have. That's life.



You know, I'm really not the type to be satisfied with being single, I'm just not as happy when I don't have someone. I've journaled about this from time to time. There are a lot of girls around here around my age, it IS a college town, and it makes that more obvious to me. I'm not even trying to find someone right now though, I just don't think it's reasonable with my circumstances right now. On the bright side, I'm slowly making friends with our neighbors. The're pretty cool.



Well, I think that's it for now. I might journal more later but right now my brain is tapped out.

What's probably going to be a long and rambling journal entry is coming soon, within the next day or so (whenever I get the chance). For now, I am super exhausted and going to sleep.

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SinginGhost88
15:04 Apr 12 2010

Fiiiiinally :P

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I have some good news finally. I start a new job on Saturday! It's just a minimum wage position at a Maid-Rite but it's income, I think it may only be part-time too but I have to ask when I go in on Saturday. I'm so happy to at least have something again. I'm only planning on this being a temporary position though, I want to save up enough to get another car and then I'm planning to start job hunting in one of the 'nearby' cities. Technically I'm already job hunting there but with the hope of being ready to relocate when it comes up.

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Eleanna
21:09 Apr 01 2010

Congratulations, think of it as a stepping stone to what you really want.

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