The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

"Violence is not the solution to everything."



"Perhaps it is not THE solution but certainly A solution and most definitely my solution, it might possibly be THE solution to some things as well. With that in mind, I say fuck pacifiism and lets start a riot!"

Country music used to be my favorite, these days it more than triples my urge to beat the living crap out of something.



On a different note: When did crap become alive?

*hits head on desk* Grrrah!

Have you ever rated a profile and given it a good rate and then gone back later to find that neither your comment nor your rate really apply anymore? What do you do? Do you give them a lower rate?

I'm not really in a bad mood but I'm still in the mood that makes violence my solution to everything.

I love this song: Girl Anachronism by Dresden Dolls. It has the potential to be extremely annoying but I like it.

I remember the first time I did it. I was simply curious, I knew a few people who did it and I couldn't fathom why. What good could it do? So my curiosity lead me to run a knife on my arm... I loved it! After that I continued to do it because it gave me pleasure, that's not the reason that my friends did it and I now understand why they did but my own experience with it helped to that understanding. I don't understand the recent trend it's taken though. I get doing it for pleasure, I get doing it as a release, and I even get doing it as an expression. I don't get doing it just because others are. What's the point? Do people think that it makes them cool? "Yo, check my new cut man. I did it last night..." Give me a f***ing break! I guess it's not that different from drinking, smoking, or doing weed but still. I just don't get it, then again, I never have been able to understand the need to do something because it's 'cool'.

I just finished reading my book... that I started reading yesterday. If you're into fantasy fiction I'd recommend reading it as well as the two that come before it: The Outstretched Shadow, To Light a Candle, and When Darkness Falls. They start out a little slow but they're good reading, I really like how the authors wrap everything up in the end of the last book. In case any interested person happens to read this, I won't say more so read if you want to know more!

COMMENTS

-

---

KamarillaKaine
05:37 Jul 29 2008

shall have to look into that :)

another good fantasy/fiction read is MAGICIAN by Raymond Fiest...



but beware... its the first of a long series and VERy addictive !!!

:)

---

placidchaos
19:11 Jul 30 2008

Ah! Sweet, I'll check 'em out! I'm always on the prowl for new material.

---

POST COMMENT

I'm beginning to wonder if I'm going to hear back from my coven about the final stage of my application.

I hate working this shift here, it brings back all the "I want to mercilessly tear everybody's throats out" feeling. There are far more stupid people in this world than you can imagine and I swear they all like to either call or come in during this shift. I think for every-other supid person that comes in I should flip a coin: heads and I remove them from the gene pool so that they can't pass on their stupidity anymore than might have already and tails they get to go on dragging our species even further down than it already is. That sounds fair.

So far so good. I'm still feelin' fine upstairs, if you know what I mean, and I think I can maintain it this time. There's one draw back to this though: it makes me even more aggressive and I like to fight more. See, when I'm down I get what my mother used to call "black anger" and I'm grouchy and agressive in that mood but if I'm not angry I'm not giving a crap about most things. When I'm not down I'm and I'm still aggressive when angry and worse so since I'm aggressive when not angry. So you can imagine that I'm in a mood for a fight, unfortunately I don't think it'll happen. What makes fighting even more fun is that almost everybody underestimates me, that means I can rub their noses in it after I've finished rubbing them in the dirt!

I should be careful where I go on VR. I'm not afraid to admit that I tend to be a bit of a sap and perhaps a borderline emo, jk. There is one song that can bring tears to my eyes and I can never predict when it might. I was journal hunting tonight and popped into LadyChordewa's. Guess what song started playing? Yeah. *chuckles* How sad am I?

Shit, we're having power surges left and right.

Ok, I think I discovered where the new girl went wrong. We have people staying in three rooms whose reservations were supposed to be under one name but our computer only shows one reservation for them. I went in to the computer and changed the names on the rooms accordingly but it's still a pile of shite, this is ridiculous. There is no reason I can think of that can excuse this mistake. I've done as much as I can to fix it and I don't know what else to do. I think we should start requiring people to have their confirmation number to check in so that this crap can't happen. Also, we've run out of pillows again and that's something that a hotel should be unable to run out of.

Ohhh, the new girl etter hope I don't run into her for the next couple of days. She TOTALLY and COMPLETELY FUCKED THINGS UP! I don't know what to do. I have people in one room that are supposed to be in another, I have people that went up to their room to find someone else in it, and etc... It looks like we might be overbooked but I can't tell because of how she screwed things up. I don't want to change anything in the computer because I'm afraid of making it worse! I am so frickin' pissed right now.

Whew, it's not VR. It's the stupid comp that I was using, this means it has a virus and that's not good.

COMMENTS

-

---

Bones
05:29 Jul 27 2008

Or, the security settings on the computer are set too high, and it won't let you view certain pages.

---

placidchaos
05:38 Jul 27 2008

See, that would have been my first guess but it was letting me view them, just not more than once on the same window and I had shut off the security settings before I went to VR.

---

Bones
05:49 Jul 27 2008

Also, this is a past Acolyte message from, Cancer:



"It appears Zone Alarm Pro now has a feature that changes the last octet of your IP address. This will result in auto-logout on VR.



If you are troubleshooting this type of issue (auto-log out), find out if the member is running Zone Alarm Pro. It's a pretty popular firewall. They'll have to either shut it off of uncheck the option."



Something you can also check, to see if this is interfering.

---

placidchaos
06:39 Jul 27 2008

?? That's a good idea to check. I can tell that somebody was messing with something on the computers today and I have no idea what the firewall is.

---

POST COMMENT

I don't know if it's the computer or VR but I only get one menu click on here and then the rest I get logged out for. I have to open a new window each time in order to stay logged in for just that one. What's going on?

Today was awesome! I got off of work and went home to wait out the time 'til the bank opens, I was just too tired and laid down. I decided I'd nap until paychecks were available at 11 and set my alarm. I got those two hours of sleep and that was it for the rest of the day. I got the funds switched from savings to checking so the debit won't bounce on Monday and I ran down to Wal-Mart to get a few things. I ran here and there for most of the early afternoon to take care of my errands and did laundry as well as clean my apartment. I started cooking dinner at 5:30 and realized I was missing a semi-essential tool: a potato masher. I called Tina at 5:48 to see if she had one but she didn't answer, I figured she was already on the way over. 6:10 comes around and no Tina, I just had to finish the taters and that was it. Once I did that I decided to head over to Tina's place, she has a tendency to sleep through anything, but when I got there I see she left me a note saying that she would be at work until 7 and would be at my place at 7:30... That bummed me a bit. I won't lie, I was pouting. I took the extra time to get another half-hour of sleep. She got there and it was great. We relaxed a moment and then I made the gravy, I didn't want to make it before she arrived so that it wouldn't thicken up too much before we ate. Dinner was nice even though it wasn't the way I had anticipated, nothing was as spicy as I had intended but Tina said she could taste the spicy just fine. We didn't end up drinking the wine I bought at all, we were both too thirsty and stuck to water. After dinner we sat on the couch cuddling and talking.

It was while we sat there that I gave her a promise ring, I did it all slick like. I told her that I was wanting to somehow express how I felt about her and my devotion too her and the obvious way would be to get engaged, I made it clear that I didn't think either of us was ready for that and asked her what she thought about the idea of me buying her a promise ring. She wasn't quite sure what a promise ring was all about so I explained it to her. After I was done explaining she was ok with the idea so I very smoothly pulled the one I had bought out of my pocket and said "They're like this" and she took it and looked at it. After looking at it for a moment she put it on her finger and smiled. I was and am ecstatic!

Life is like a job, if you don't like it than quite.

Walking On Air by Kerli

Waking The Demon by Bullet For My Valentine

Hold On by Korn

I Write Sins Not Tragedies by Panic! At The Disco

The Islander by Nightwish

Scream, Aim, Fire by Bullet For My Valentine

Your horoscope for July 25, 2008 Today you could be thinking about making a greater commitment to your romantic partner, Jason. If you have been dating this person for a while, you could be thinking about moving in with them. Or you might be thinking about proposing! If you are single right now, you might be gathering up the nerve to ask that special someone out on a date. It's time to get some resolution in your personal life.

I was going through See who has rated you and I see a lot of people there that I know I haven't rated and with reason. Now I don't really have that reason anymore and I'm thinking about trying to catch up. It's hard to put my mind to it though, it seems that I usually find two profiles I don't like for every one I do like.

Person: When you smile like that you look evil.



Me: *chuckles*



Person: Oh that so doesn't help dude!







So there I am, waiting at an intersection when a car with two girls in it drives up and stops at the light...



Girl in passenger seat: Hey, 'sup hotty!



Me: *considers appearance: I'm wearing a baggy button down shirt that's covered in paint, baggy and ragged pants that are covered in paint, and I'm scruffy from not shaving... Hotty?* *acknowledges them indifferently*



*Light changes and I start walking*



Girl in passenger seat: Hey! I'm ridin' hot and single! Come on!



Me: *Thinks to self: apparently even acknowledgement is encouragement...* *just keeps walking*



I'm beginning to think that either there's some conspiracy to try and boost my ego WAY out of proportion, the girls in Huron will hit on any and EVERYthing, or there's some reason beyond scientific explanation that makes me attractive even when I shouldn't be... I'm leaning towards the second option.

YES! Boo-ya baby! I am fast on my way to being debt free! A collector called this afternoon (how they got my new number so fast I'll never know and don't care) and she actually helped me to figure out my finances down to the dollar and how much I can pay each month... I'll be almost debt free in four months! The creditor was calling about the biggest chunk of my debt, about $1,200. Tomorrow I'm going to pay off another debt that only has about $190 left. After that I think the only debt I might possibly have left is the some-odd-hundred dollars that I don't know if I still owe to U.S. Cellular for that fiasco with my mom and the cell phones, they haven't contacted me since I threatened to sue them for calling me at work multiple times and that was a couple of years ago. So as far as I know I will be DEBT FREE!!!!! in four months!



I was preparing the marinade for the chicken breast that I'll be cooking for dinner tomorrow night, it's going to taste wicked good. I tasted the marinade (it's my own make, not store bought) and it kicks mule (if you're wondering, I'm attempting to curb my swearing a bit... again)! I found a perfect pot for boiling potatoes at the Salvation Army today so I can make those homemade too.



Following the advice of various people, I went to the liquor store today and bought a bottle of Lexia. It's a white wine made by Alice White, they're out of Australia. I was a little nervous about buying it at first (I always am when it comes to things I ingest) because I don't like to waste money and if I didn't like it that's what it would be, I decided it was worth a try though and especially so since it was cheap. I tried some, it's really not bad. It was fruity, sweet but not too sweet, and was just a little more tart than I'd prefer but good none the less. I don't think it's something I'll drink on its own but I think it will go good with the spicy chicken and that's why it was recommended to me. Oh, just a tip, DON'T buy cheap cork screws...



So tomorrow it's to the bank first thing, I want to transfer the necessary funds from my savings to my checking before I forget and I need to get out enough money for the things I'm going to buy. I still need to get potatoes and I'm going to get a couple of taper candles, there were some nice holders at the thrift store too. If you haven't figured out by now, I'm trying to make it a romantic dinner. I need to finish re-cleaning my apartment (I swear, WHY can't I just KEEP it clean?) and I need to finish my laundry. I also need to remember to buy more razor blades. Then all that's left to do is sleep and cook.

That... was weird. Maybe I'll write about it later, maybe not.

Today was a good bad day. I'm pissed as hell with my worthless coworker. As such, I decided to stay up long enough after work to talk to my boss about it. I was reading my book (another thing that's annoying me) and at some point passed out, I mean passed out too. I woke up at 2:45 p.m. with a massive headache and wondering what time it was. I suddenly remembered that I hadn't gone to bed, so why was I waking up? I wasn't happy. I've been dealing with the pain in my head since, I finally broke down and took my ibuprofen and tylenol but it didn't fix it. At a little after 5 I walked up to Tina's work to walk her home, I spent some time with her and that always makes me happy. I got home and read some more of my book, I just checked it out yesterday and it'll be finished sometime tomorrow. After a while the pain was just too much so I shut out all the light and tried to sleep, sleep didn't come. So now I'm at work, I'm hungry but too sick to my stomach from the pain in my head to eat anything and all I want is to curl up in the dark.



I'm having dinner with Tina on friday. I can't wait. I love cooking and I love spending time with her, friday I get to do both! I'm going to make spicy garlic-lemonpepper chicken breast and spicy mashed potatoes with pepper gravy. Tina likes her food to have a kick just like me, she doesn't like it quite as spicy as me but that's ok. I like my food to bite back simply with it's taste, Tina only likes a good slap from her food. I'm thinking about getting some wine to go with, I don't know the first thing about wine though and so I don't know what would be good.

COMMENTS

-

---

Bones
06:10 Jul 24 2008

For chiken with pepper, try a chardonnay (which is a white wine). Kendall Jackson makes a good white wine and it's reasonably priced.

---

placidchaos
06:14 Jul 24 2008

Awesome, that's good to know. Thanks!

---

POST COMMENT

If you have nothing to say, you should consider that silence isn't illegal.

Me: What can I do for you, sir?



Guest: Do you have any rooms?



Me: Of course we have rooms, the question is whether they're available or not.



He got as much of a kick out of it as I did, he's also about as much of a smart ass as I. It's always fun to trade smart comments with a fellow crafter.

*blinks* Oh, sorry, I was too busy not giving a shit. Please go one while I continue.

I look at the favorite journal lists I'm on and it amuses me to note that only one of those people ever reads it and yet I have a handful of people who's lists I'm not on who check it everyday... That just seems so ironic to me.



Looking back I see so many lost, failed, or unfortunately abandoned friendships. Thinking about it saddens me in an odd way. It's a wistful and yet accepting feeling. Knowing that what could have been could have been awesome and that what has been has been necessary it would seem. Even on here there have been a few. I have two friends that I've maintained from here from my early days on and those just barely it seems. It is unfortunate.

I went to see Dark Knight with Tina finally... IT WAS F***ING AWESOME! I loved the first one and this one was better, so it goes without saying that they out did themselves as far as sequels go (I guess it doesn't go without saying since I obviously just said it). It was great spending the evening with her too.

Hmm, I wonder if my customer dance would work at a hotel? You see, it works just like a rain dance. I used to do it when I worked at Wal-Mart and, sure enough, I'd get customers. Perhaps I should try it..?

I remember when my family and I still lived in the house in Southern IA. My brother and I were sitting there playing video games and we had taken to replacing swear words with "lollapalizard", "monkeycat", and "hubbadahoola". So when we would get annoyed with the game or if we messed up we'd say one of those, this annoyed our sister. She started griping at us about it so, just to annoy her further, we started talking in song titles. Oh that was fun. It was more or less a code. You had to be able to decipher the hidden meanings in the titles based on the context in which we used them. We were evil.

Me? Sarcastic? No, *puts hand on chest* not me, *uses innocent voice* neever.

Gah! I'm going to kill this guy! I have to have him repeat every single word he says a minimum of 3 times because he doesn't say any consonants in the middle of his words, only vowels with consonant like sounds. For example: middle came out mi-au

I've got a pocket full of sunshine... OH GOD! MY LEG! MY LEG! IT BURNS! SOMEBODY SAVE ME!

It's a brand new day!



No, really? And here I thought we recycled them!

Ok, I have no problem with helping people but I swear to god that if I don't ignore the next person who thinks staring at me will tell me what they want I'll punch them.

Why is it that once in a blue moon I'll go into someone's journal and things I know for a fact that I've read will be marked new? I just went into a journal and there were two sections marked as new but neither had anything new written in them since I last read it.

Shout by Tears for Fears is a kick ass song but if you watch the lead singer's expressions in the music video it's really funny.

Toxic.... If you overlook the fact that it's a Britney Spears song it's not that bad.

I'm in the mood for some controversy, I think I'll go make myself a nice new stamp.... *evil laughter*

I've just found a new band, they found me actually. They are awesome! CHECK THEM OUT! http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=280788936

RIGHT NOW! GO! heh heh heh

*person walks up to a demon* "Alright pal, where's the devil at? I think we need to get a few things straight!"



*demon blinks*"Huh, he should have been waiting at the gate to greet you with your first round of torture."



"What, you mean that candy ass I beat up and locked out?"...



Guy on lab table: "And that's how I became immortal..."

COMMENTS

-

---

Sinora
11:55 Jul 19 2008

Nice one lol

---

POST COMMENT

I remember when I was a kid I used to endeavor to be different, noncomformity was my thing even though I didn't know it was called that. I wanted to be me. I was happy when people would call me weird and strange, that meant I was succeeding. Being like this made it so that I was comfortable pursuing my interests that others would ostracize and ridicule me for, I just looked at it as "I don't want to be like them anyway so why should I care?" and that worked. Interestingly enough, I was well accepted. Since I was different than everyone nobody grouped me in with a clique and so had no issues with getting to know me.



During my teen years my mother more or less tried to squash much of this out of me. She failed brilliantly.



It was while I was living with my father and during one of my marathons of avoiding interacting with the people living there that I came across VR. It's funny that I remember it so well right now when I wasn't able to when I was trying not long back. I was sitting in my room on my computer and I got bored. I can't remember why but I did a search on Yahoo! for vampire mythology. Naturally, VR popped up in my search. The description listed it as a database on vampires and I thought it might be interesting and entered. After a couple days of checking it out I made a profile, unfortunately I couldn't remember the password later that day and couldn't access it. Then I made this account that same day and I've been here since. Sadly, I probably wouldn't be where I am today if it weren't for VR. It's been a match-maker, my confidante, and a place for me to be when I had nowhere else. I owe Cancer for this place.

I seem to have gotten over my hatred of and desire to kill every guest who stays here, no I'm not joking. I don't really know where it came from but I couldn't stand being around anybody. I'm over it now and I'm enjoying being in a customer service position again but... I still... REALLY... want to beat one of my coworkers. He hardly does anything right and usually the things he does do right is because he's being babysat. It's ridiculous. I get to come up on my day off to babysit him for a little bit so that my boss doesn't have to kill him.

What the hell Yahoo! Music?



It suddenly loaded a playlist full of songs that I've rated never play again, every single one of 'em!

So there I am, scrolling down the Journals page and suddenly my own catches my eye. I sit and stare at it for a while trying to figure out what's wrong with it. Then it hits me, it's not showing my most recent one. The one it was displaying is from Unfinished Stories but I had written in Poetry since. I wonder what's up with that?



P.S. Waking The Demon by Bullet For My Valenting rocks!

I'm... so... bored... I'm going to go watch Elfen Lied.



Edit: Ok, maybe I won't go watch Elfen Lied... *shakes fist at internet*

I crashed today, full on into the side of the mountain known as sleep. I sat down on my couch when I got home from work with the intention of staying awake to go to the bank and woke up 11.5 hours later. I don't remember laying down, I don't remember getting my pillows, and I certainly don't remember falling asleep. I must have gone from awake to asleep in -.5 seconds. Yes I know that's not possible.



Still no response from my coven about my application, can't blame them since it did take me so long to reply and I'm sure that's not the only thing they have to do.



My phone is on today, I think anyway. I can't be certain. I went to hook up my phone and realized that I don't have any phone cord... *smacks own head*

I'm setting myself a few reasonable goals that I can achieve and once I have I'll set some new ones. One is getting the flab/fat from my body, I have plenty of muscle but it's hidden. If I just get rid of it I'd have a nice body (for a guy). I want to save up enough money to buy a car straight up and have some left over. I'm also going to stop draggin' feet on going to college.



I can't seem to think of everything that I want to write in one sitting, I don't know why.

So what's the deal? It pisses me off to hell and back, yet I don't give a crap at the same time... *shrugs*

I'm really getting tired of this reaction in myself. Why won't it quit?

The last couple days have been good. I walked down to GameStop and Wal-mart with Tina yesterday, I nearly ran into PostInsanity but I don't think she noticed, and played Shining Tears when I finally went home. I dozed for a couple hours in the small hours of the morning and woke up to find a ball where my knee should be, that's what I get for doing so much walking the last few days knowing that I shouldn't. We had a mandatory meeting for the front desk people today at 10 a.m. that wasn't too bad, the person who it was mainly for didn't show up. I spent the whole afternoon hanging out at Tina's (bugging her while she was trying to figure her finances, heh heh) and cuddled on the couch with her while we watched Transformers. I gave Tina the money I needed to pay to get phone service and she did a payment over the phone for me, so my phone will be on tomorrow.



Life decided to give me a friendly kick in the ass for my procrastination. I got a nice little post card in the mail yesterday telling me about some back to school thing the local college is having. They're offering career counseling, help picking out classes, and help filing for financial aid. Convenient eh? This got me to thinking a bit. I'm currently in a job that I can keep and be stable with but how long do I want to be here? One of my ex-coworkers worked here for 8 years and another has for twenty, they've both never moved up nor really gone anywhere. I don't want to be like that, I'd like to see myself doing better and moved up in that amount of time. I also don't want to be in the position my father is when I reach his age. He's in his 40's with bad credit, he JUST managed to get beyond the pee-on level, and is miserable. So I'm going to start taking this all more seriously, it's not that I didn't before but I really haven't demonstrated it and that's not right.



My balance and self control has reached a point that it hasn't for a couple of years, I'm taking that as a good sign I might be leveling back out finally. We'll see the next time I have a busy weekend here.

I should probably log off and lock the internet about now, people are starting to show up and I don't want them to realize I'm allowed online. I'm not the kind of person to wave my priveleges in other people's faces.

When I was working Monday night a little girl came up to me and told me that some teenage boys had trashed up the pool room. She then told me that it was ok because she had cleaned it up. Knowing very well a child's idea of clean, I went to investigate. It was clean. She dragged the chair out of the water that they threw in, cleaned up the grabage from the cans they tipped, and dredged the bottom of the pool for the crap they dropped in (there were still a couple of pennies but I was still impressed). This little girl was about 7 years old. That's really something. On top of that, she was the most respectful child I have ever met, called me sir and everything until she read my name off of my tag.

COMMENTS

-

---

deathnitegrl
12:42 Jul 16 2008

Indeed there are even some adults who could learn from her.

---

POST COMMENT

I'm reading Cyanide and Happiness, it's f***in' hilarious!

Person A: "You don't HAVE to eat."



Person B: "Of course I do, I have to eat if I want to live!"



Person A: "True, but nobody said that you have to live."



Person B: "Hmm, touche."

I have to stop by the bank and then go renew my liscense. After that I need to go pay a bill. THEN I need to give Tina $129 to deposit in her account so that I can pay my past phone bill on the phone to get service. Once that's done I'll have a phone! I need to do a bit of bulk food shopping. Ugh, I'm tired of eating. I say we make eating optional. I need to clean my apartment, *sighs*, and then hopefully talk Tina into taking a nap with me. I'm trying to slowly get her used to the idea of living with me so that I can talk her into moving in with me. That should be all I NEED to do, I hope...

Today was alright, I added to my sunburn a bit though. I did something that I'm beginning to feel guilty about, I went and bought myself a ps2. I might take it back tomorrow. I got to spend a few hours with Tina this afternoon, so I'm happy. She told me today that she's been in a kind of "don't touch me" mood this week, I didn't tell her that she's been that way a little more than a week. I've been in an odd mood all day, I need sleep. *sighs* So bored...

Dang, I dozed off last minute before work. I woke up with one minute 'til I was supposed to be on the clock. I got her ten minutes late which shouldn't have been since it only took me one to get dressed and then maybe three to get here. I'm going to have to reset my clocks ahead.

I had the strangest dream last night. It started with me walking outside somewhere and I pass under a tree, up in this tree is the fattest parrot I've ever seen. It kept staring at me so I tried to pet it but it wouldn't let me. There was someone else there who's face I never saw and never identified, they tried to pet it but it tried to bite them. I walked a little bit away and turned around and the tree was now a porch (out in the middle of nowhere) and for some reason that was perfectly natural. The parrot had turned into a rabbit bird, it looked like a rabbit but it had wings, a beak, and razor sharp teeth. The faceless person was still trying to pet it as I walked back, everytime they did it's eyes would grow huge (almost the size of it's head) and it would try to take their finger off. I looked away for a moment and I was bored so I started singing, when I looked back it was just a plain rabbit and seemed to be paralyzed by my singing. It wouldn't even twitch and the person finally pet it now, then I woke up.

I wonder how much it would take me to get drunk...

What you need (have it all ready before you start):

3 tablespoons of butter

3 tablespoons of flour

1 cup of milk

1/2 to 1 full package of lunch meat (whatever kind you prefer and however much you want depending on how meaty you like it)



Directions:

Melt the butter in a frying pan on a low-medium heat. Once it's melted you want to stir in the flour. You should have a yellow clumpy looking glob when it's done properly. Now you add the cup of milk and stir until the gravy thickens, stir in the meat before it finishes thickening.



Now all you need is either buscuits or toast to eat it on and you're good to go. If you get the canned buttermilk buscuits they shouldn't take much longer to cook than the gravey.



Note: If you want the gravy to thicken faster you only need to turn up the heat a little.

Adding pepper before it thickens can help add flavor.

If you stop at the point where the flower and the milk are properly mixed you can save it and have it ready for later. This makes it easy to have multiple batches ready to go.

Why is it that my emotions feel so much more raw when I'm tired? Why is it that even though I suffer from that I like how it feels? It feels primal, it feels right. It feels wrong though. *sighs* I just don't know.

FUCK! There just aren't words to describe the rage and hatred that I feel. It's always been this way. It's caused by everything and nothing. Even if nothing bothered me it would still be there and yet it wouldn't. I hate feeling it and I hate that I hate it! I just want a release! I want to hurt somebody but I don't really want to! af;oaisudhf;aiosdugfai;o9ewu8gf ;iaGFIWEBHIFH;AODWHBF;IADHRFBADIJFHIADBYHFIUAEA *Sighs* fuck...

I'm going out tonight after work. I'm not sure, for some reason I feel a little chicken. I want to go, I want to have fun but I don't want to end up sitting there doing nothing and by myself like I have the last couple of times I tried to go out and be social. I don't know. I want to have some fun tonight, especially since I have at LEAST another 12 hours before I can go to bed and it's been at least twice that since I woke up.

I am so not a people person, somebody get me out of here... I would be content if I never had to help a customer ever again, just let me stay at home and not have to deal with any other human beings unless I choose to.

COMMENTS

-

---

Bones
05:53 Jul 13 2008

Heh, doesn't customer service suck? The position should come with a BFG! ;)

---

POST COMMENT

Today was semi-pretty good. It hit 97 with some nasty humidity and my air conditioner just wasn't keeping up, so I went and crashed on Tina's couch for the afternoon. I only got about 2 hours of sleep today, for some damn reason I wasn't tired at all but I knew I SHOULD sleep. My good to go feeling only took a couple of days to return this time, I take that as a good sign.



I have finally decided what I want to go to college for, 100% sure this time. I'm going to start by gettig my AA but specifically for business management and I'd like to take a performing arts course as well as a regular art course. That way I could ensure myself some sort of a future and improve my artistic abilities. Now I know the what but I still need to determine the when, where, and how.

I have wondered why I stay on here. There has been more than one time when I thought to close my account and didn't. Why? At the time I really had no clue, I thought perhaps it was because I had a friend on here who I had regular contact with. That's not the case anymore though, I rarely ever speak to them now and that really sucks. There are only two things I do with any regularity on this site, I read my favorite journals and I write in my own. I rate the database in spurts, once in a while I take an interest in the forum, and from time to time I go through some of the new profiles. The question is still why? In all honesty it's because at some point I became attached to this place. I would actually like to do more, to be more involved, but for some reason I don't have the heart to. I don't what the deal is with that. I'm really hoping to be accepted as a member of the coven, I'm thinking that something new and perhaps a chance to make new friends might help.

In my opinion this artist is the next Joan Jett. She got her start in a band calld LiveOnRelease (I love their song "I'm Afraid Of Britney Spears") and eventually went on to a solo gig. Her music ROCKS!

Yikes. There's a guest staying here and their wife is trying to call them, I don't think it's my place to tell her that he came back to his room with a woman... Though I'd like to castrate his cheating ass. This is one of those times where what's right and what you're supposed to do just don't seem to be the same.

COMMENTS

-

---

Isis101
05:27 Jul 12 2008

I was in a similar situation...I just kept my mouth shut too.

---

POST COMMENT

This night isn't starting off the best. I woke up to the sound of somebody pounding on my door at 11:24... I was supposed to be in to work at 11. I think this might have been subconsciously intentional, I had thought earlier in the afternoon that I wanted to skip work and just sit in my dark apartment all night. *sighs* No puppy, I'm bummed about that. I can't remember what I was doing but I made a bit of a mess of my apartment yesterday, I think I was looking for something. I'll clean it when I get off work and then I'll go to Wal-mart, I've been putting off going there all week but I can't put it off another day. When I get back home I can make my home-made noodles, finally! I can't wait, I'll have myself a damn good dinner tomorrow. I need to remember to ask Tina if she wants to come over for dinner tomorrow. I think that since I can't have a puppy I'm going to put the money I was going to put toward that toward the viola that I've been wanting for forever, I don't know yet though.



In four days it will be four months that Tina and I have been dating, one month was long distance but I still count it. *chuckles* I'm happy. I'm thinking, and devoutly hoping, that this relationship will last. She wants it to last and I want it to last, so I don't see any reason for it not to.

It turns out that my landlords are firm on their no pet policy, they won't even consider letting me have a small dog if I give them an extra deposit. This sucks. I was really looking forward to the idea but now... *sighs* To top that off, my good to go feeling disappeared before I went to work last night. I feel like shit. *sighs* What to do? I'm tempted to get the dog anyway but if they found out I'd be evicted and I can't afford that. I don't know, maybe I should find something inanimate. (I don't mean anything perverted).

I don't get it, according to "The Top" I'm on 10 favorite journals lists but according to "Journal Lists you are on" I'm only on 8. What's the deal?

COMMENTS

-

---

MBK
06:47 Jul 10 2008

Lol, it says I'm on 38. But I'm only on 33

---

deathnitegrl
06:49 Jul 10 2008

It says I am on 43 but I am on 41, there must be something wrong.

---

placidchaos
06:52 Jul 10 2008

I think we need to send vr to remedial math.

---

POST COMMENT

Am I wrong for feeling a little hurt that she's content? Am I selfish for wanting more? She says she loves me and I have no doubt of her sincerity and yet, I still have this nagging fear that our relationship isn't going anywhere.

I have decided to devote more to my interests and hobbies. I think it would be a step in the right direction and there's no doubt that I won't mind.

Tomorrow I go to pick up a new friend... hopefully. I need to talk to my landlady first and see if I can talk her into making an exception to the no pet policy if I put down a deposit. I've been wishy-washy about this for a while now but I was considering Morrigon's entry about Pai and that got me to realize that I don't know if I don't try, I also realized that not at least trying was unfair to me and potentially the pup. So I've been looking for a bit now, I came across a flier at the grocery store advertising two puppies so I called them to see how much they want and they're free. That's cool since I shouldn't spend too much, I'm going to meet the one remaining tomorrow. If I don't end up taking that pup I'll head down to the Humane Society that I just found out is here. I'm really excited! Hopefully my landlady will reconsider letting me have a pet, if not I may get one anyway and look for another place. I'm a bit nervous, I haven't had a dog in several years and the last one I had was put down because she had cancer.



I didn't get half of the things done today that I had intended, oh well, it isn't as if I can't do them tomorrow. I went to the store to buy the stuff I need to make my home-made chicken and noodles! I haven't made them in forever and I'm looking forward to eating some, I can make enough for little enough money to eat for a few days at a very minimal cost. Plus, they're absolutely delicious!



So tomorrow will be spent cleaning, cooking, and preparing for my new friend. It will be a good day.

Today was alright, I kept awake long enough to hit the bank and go for a walk before bed. It would seem that I've FINALLY managed to train my body to eat less. I bought myself a pizza as a treat since I could and I won't be having any in the near future, it was enough for the whole day! Normally it would have made one meal! Go me! I did an hour work out this evening, I spent 10 minutes doing stretches and the rest alternating between push ups, sit ups, and crunches. I feel good. I've decided that I'm going to get myself a pet, I think that'll help me with my whole mood problem and I really want one. I know this is nothing interesting to read but that's a good thing right now. I've decided that I'm not buying a car, I'm going to put the money I have available for that toward more productive things and possibly save some. I had an "I'm such a dumb ass" moment earlier today. I was thinking about things as I always do and I realized that I haven't been doing my meditaion like I should be and that greatly contributed to my problems over the last couple of weeks, plus I haven't been listening to music as much lately. Music is my sanity and I'm not kidding.

I FINALLY finished the application process by answering those three questions. Now I just wait to hear back. It's interesting, so many times I tried to organize my thoughts to the purpose of answering those questions and never could. Then, while having a fit of laughter from reading a thread I started, I suddenly had the answers that I needed. Funny isn't it?

I sent two suggestions for additions to the database in that I'm astounded weren't already there: Evanescence and Marilyn Manson. I sent one in a while back but I haven't seen it there yet, I'm wondering if I should re-submit it? Black Blood Brothers, it's an anime/manga about vampires.

Today was a good day. I went to tell my landlady that my fridge doesn't work, she said she'd send someone to fix it today but she didn't. Intead of having it fixed she went and bought a brand new one! She's an awesome person. I got home and checked the mail to find a check for almost $600 in my box, boo-yeaya! I'm not scrounging just for a penny and I am able to have milk, I am happy. My computer's working properly and I figured out how to get around the fact that it can't pull the music from my flash drive without updates, heh heh heh, I realized that even if the media player couldn't download the songs my computer could still copy the files... Go me! My place is CLEAN! I finally just cracked down and did it all, ahhh. *basks in the cleanliness*



I don't know what decided it but I managed to get myself back under control. I'm good now.



I'm going to go pay my rent for next month next week, I figure I might just as well pay while the money's good and that way I can stay well ahead. I need to do some real grocery shopping too.



I was so happy earlier that I had to go share my good mood with Tina, I roused her from a semi-sleep but she was tolerant and joined me in my joy.



Around 8 p.m. I started getting sick and was really weak, I didn't think I was going to be able to work tonight. After a while it occured to me that I've been running around all day, sweating my ass of, and I hadn't had very much to drink... I drank a few litres of water and after a bit I was good, I'm such a dumb ass for letting myself get that dehydrated when I know I dehydrate in a matter of minutes. So here I am at work now, in good spirits and waiting for tomorrow so I can do the just over a mile walk to Wal-Mart to get a few necessities.



I'm coping, I'm finally managing to get by financially again, I'm in an awesome relationship, and I have a stable place to live. How could life be better right now?



Oh yeah, I also discovered that my favorite pair of pants is getting loose on me. Plus, I found a kitten living in the engine compartment of a car at a dealership so I'm trying to seduce into coming out so I can take it home. I've devised a trap to catch it and I'm going to ask the dealership people if they mind me leaving it out by that car. I feel like I'm leaving something out but I can't think what, I'm going to leave it here for now.

Wow... Have you ever looked at a girl and choked? It really is cruel how beautiful women can be.

How many can say that they know it? I can think of only one person, only one person that's ever been in my life has managed to see what is me and see it all. They knew me better than anyone I have ever known, they were my best friend for a time. I rarely, if ever, show all of what I am to anyone. That's not completely intentional but it is how it is. The me a person gets usually depends on the setting and my mood. Perhaps I should work on that, perhaps I should always try to be all of me? I'm not sure how well that would be received. I wonder if it wouldn't help though, maybe that's part of what causes my problems. How would a person go about making a polygon one sided without losing anything?

I want it to stop, I just want it to stop. Why can't I be happy? The only time I've ever been free of this torment is when I was on that medicine, I didn't have all these negative emotions then. Then again, who could have negative emotions when they can't feel anything at all? I was so hollow then. It wasn't a lack of emotion though, it was more like I was completely cut off from them. Maybe that would be better? Is this any better than that emptiness? No, I don't want to go back to that. What do I do? I long to just give in, to let it swallow me. In a lot of fantasy shows you'll occasionally see someone having an inner struggle and it shows to of them fighting, most people probably have no clue just how accurate that depiction is. I am at war with myself and I am just so very, very tired of it. I want to give up. Why can't I give up? Please, just let me go.

COMMENTS

-

---

Sinora
09:31 Jul 06 2008

Some people who are on meds for depression and bp need to juggle them a little in order to find one that does not make them feel cut off.



So, your doc is the best person to help you on this.

---

POST COMMENT

Today Tina and I packed (she actually did the packing because she wouldn't let me touch it, I do it wrong) up a bunch of food, grilling supplies, and walked down to the park. It's a bit of a walk and the stuff was semi-heavy. We grilled out down there (the steaks were like an orgasm in my mouth) and hung out. I really enjoyed my afternoon.



I finally backed up the files I wanted to keep off my computer and ran the restore disk... Unfortunately a lot of the stuff that came on the computer originally are a few updates behind. That means that I can't run a lot of what I stored on my flash drive without hooking up to the internet. So I installed my adapter and hooked it up, apparently the person who's wireless signal I was using no longer has wireless because I can't find a signal... That means that I can't update anything and until I do I can't use most of the stuff on the drive. *grumbles*

I'm thinking about adding a bit of my humor to my journal. I know what you're thinking, "He's always being a smart ass, doesn't that count?" and you're right to do so. Yes and no, that is part of my sense of humor but I'm thinking about occasionally dropping a joke or two. If you should ever stop by to catch one I'll warn you now that I'm more perverted than they come, not always though.

Have you ever come across a phrase that just made you ask "where the hell did this come from?" I remember as a kid we used to say "fiddle fart" instead of f***. I know we got it from adults but the question still remains, where did it come from?

I didn't get a single thing done today. I woke up at 2 but I didn't get out of bed 'til 3. I walked to the bank and the store, ate, and that's it except for seeing the movie. There is a 3 hour period that I can't account for, from 3:30-6:30 I have no recollection of what I was doing. I know I was awake but I just can't remember.



Well, tomorrow I'm going to have to do laundry before I go to bed or I won't have anything to wear in the afternoon and that's not acceptable since I'm hanging out with Tina. While I'm doing laundry I might just as well do the dishes too.

I find that I can't seem to express myself right this moment, I don't know what's up.

I spent a little extra today, I probably shouldn't have but oh well. I went to see Wanted, that movie kicks ass! I may have to go without food for a day for seeing it but it was so worth it!

Have you ever just suddenly thought "Hey, I could go for some fried eggs!"? I started craving them out of nowhere just a moment ago. Ooooh, an over-easy fried egg sandwich... I'm not joking when I say my mouth is watering at the thought.

*Sighs* I guess not. One little thing, one teeny tiny little thing and it pissed me off so much. Dang.

Tomorrow is a day for finishing and doing things that I've been putting off. It's like as I say, "Procrastination is like masturbation, in the end you're only screwing yourself." I really need to back up the files that I want to keep on my computer so that I can use my restore disk, I need to do dishes, I need to do ALL of my laundry (blankets and sheets included), and a few other odds and ends. I need to go to Casey's to talk to the store manager. If they're willing to hire me for that asst. manager position and for enough money that would be sweet, the problem is that they would have to be willing to go against the "DNR" that my previous manager put in like the stupid.. ahem.



Sometime here in the not too distant future I want to get some wood so that I can do some carving, I'm not bad at it and my house is in need of decor. I want to get down to Wal-mart too, there were a couple of posters that I liked.



I've decided to hold off a bit further on going for disability, I'm ok and I need to not do that in order to achieve what I want. That's another thing that I've been procrastinating too much, I need to work on my education.

I've been trying to decide what the source of mine is, I feel it so often and I figure if I can discover where it comes from that I might be better equipped to combat it. I've decided that it comes from other people not caring, I realized this from my attitude about work at many of the jobs I've had. To put it simply, I stop giving a shit because nobody else does. Why should I? Why should I care about it if nobody (supervisors included) does? Unfortunately this extends beyond work though, it reaches my home life and that isn't good. I SHOULD care if my place is clean regardless of whether or not anyone else does, I need to care about things like that.

COMMENTS

-

---

SinginGhost88
12:34 Jul 03 2008

Sometimes (and i speak from a clean freak perspective) its nice just to let your home go to the dogs (just not to far) for a couple of days.

Your environment is a bit more relaxed and less uptight, so you are too.

---

POST COMMENT

I got to spend the afternoon with Tina, she wasn't in the best of moods but it was great. I could tell something was up because it was over 90 degrees and she was keeping as much physical contact with me as she could and being very cuddly, she's a "don't touch me" kind of person when it's hot out. I asked her what was up but she said she was ok, just depressed. None the less, I really enjoyed being with her.

I was embarrassed as hell at one point, she decided that we should go out to the Chinese buffet (I wasn't going to eat because I can't really afford to just yet but she threatened me Red Foreman style) and I went to take my partial out so that I could eat and... I dropped it on the floor. I am very self conscious about having it to begin with and that was just so embarrassing. I blushed, Tina loved it (not the embarrassment but the blushing, since I don't embarrass easily I rarely blush and she said seeing it was priceless and I don't blame her). I reached down to pick it up off the floor, wrapped it up in a napkin, and set it on the table. After we were done eating I went to grab it and put it in my pocket (I needed to wash it before putting it back in) but there was just one problem... In the napkin was a fortune cookie and not my partial... I freaked a little bit but I had enough sense to check the floor before losing it and it was there. I blushed again. She giggled and kissed me, how cruel. *chuckles* I was amused by the whole thing.

*sighs* Damn it, now that the depression and apathy are sufficiently gone I'm just feeling pissy. You there, yes you reading this, I'm pissy with you for no reason and no fault of your own. I'm not even angry or upset really. I'm unreasonably aggravated at any and just about everything. I don't want to give a shit about anything other than what I want to and I don't want to deal with anybody but those I already know I can tolerate.



I always say that I have a violent nature and this leads me to wonder, is my this is caused by or is it the source of my antipathy toward others? In all honesty I think they are independent and yet fueled by each other.