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Everything has changed...my whole world turned upside down...



everything has been tested between my heart...my body..my mind..my very soul...my faith...and to be honest..I am still lost....



I have been here at the rave now for over 6 years....in that time...I woke up from being sheep...I found love..and lost it ..HARD...



been lied to so many times...I cant even count....this place saved me...this place has tortured me...but most of all its been my home...



the good..the bad..the beautiful and the ugly...



I have lost so much...so very much....



and here most recently I have lost the most....



and to be even more honest....the people I thought.. I knew would stand by me...just were not strong enough...I am not discounting my fault...but NONE have any idea what I am..have gone through...



My four children were ripped from me..stolen...and your damn right I cant get over it..the only way I am even still breathing...is because...even though my faith has been pushed...I didnt lose it...I know I made mistakes...but I also know..I never hurt them...I never abandoned them....never not show them love...everything I did I did for them....nothing really for myself..here and there...yes...but all and all..I was their mother..am their mother...but that was just it..no one seems to get or understand....if I am not their mother now...everyday..then who am I?.....they act like...there is nothing you can do about it...so just get over it....be me again...thats just it..who am I?...Im in a fucking state I hate...just floating day by day...mostly alone...all the people who swore they would never leave me..left...or became so critical...I cant stand to be around them.. and say.Im miserable.. YOUR FUCKING RIGHT I LIVE IN MISERY!!!!....MY FOUR CHILDREN WERE STOLEN!!!!!!...HOW THE HELL WOULD YOU BE?????



anyway...



I am trying desperately to come back from the dead so to speak...



I know i wont leave here for good...I cant..they are here...at most I would have to come back a few times a year....but God in heaven knows I need a change....the definition of insanity..is repeating the same behaviour over and over..expecting a different outcome...I cant do that anymore...I cant be like this anymore...



I couldnt tell you how many people I have pulled out of what they call their dark deep holes...been their for them...didnt judge...just let them be..and loved them for it...how many have done the same for me?....one...and they can only do so much...even though it tears them apart...and over half the time I feel like just a burden to them...I know they feel responsible for what has happened...but their not...there is a reason...but to be honest...I think only God knows why...and as crazy as it sounds...I have trust that....I have to...



I know I named this entry nothing but silence..but thats for a reason..because that haunts me...what has happened haunts me....because that is whats left....silence....no children laughing or fighting...no loves talking...friends around...nothing but youtube and the tv....and maybe a few crazy cats running around...empty hallow pictures on the wall...memories in a box...beer beside me...and a cigarette burning on the can next to me.... is this all there is?..all I can hope for?....



No...



why because I refuse to let it be...I dont know how...or why...only that I have never had it in me to give up...this is a fact I have come to learn about myself....



so this maybe the ending for now...but not forever....and not for long...



if God had a reason for taking them...



then there must be something more for me...



and if the people I love all walked away from me...there must be a reason...



so...Im going to now look for that...



at 36...I am now going on a journey to find myself....again...



then maybe next time I write here....I will have found my new beginning.... and not....



Nothing but silence.....