Honor: 748 [ Give / Take ]
20 entries this month
It's a Funny Thing, Really...
09:01 Jul 31 2021
Times Read: 66
Something I've always found a little funny, though admittedly, also a little... twisted, even for me... I certainly won't say that I've lived the most difficult of all, over the past many years. But I also won't say that I've had an easy time. Quite frankly, far from it. But the one thing that I can definitely say with a "sick" smile is that I have only ever encountered one person in my time who was able to match my strength of will. And I suppose, in a manner of speaking, that was what brought me to actually brought me to kneel to a person, for the first time, ever. But since the death of that person, I suppose you could say that I've subliminally sought to find the one person who would actually contradict everything that I've known for so long.
I have always been a "disruptively" dominant force. Both mental and physical. So I have never really met a person who could bring me to my knees. Only one who could match me "blow for blow". Not even facing the hardest of times I've ever known could bring me to my knees - only make me want to. But at the same time, I have also always been the one who fights to the final breath. So, I guess you could say that it would take "an act of god", per say, to do something of that nature. Which I find that even a little... hypocritical of myself, in a way. Don't get me wrong, I do believe in the Christian "God", Yaweh. But that doesn't mean that I worship or will bow to the fucker.
In the words of one of my favourite movie characters, after whom one of my ridiculous-many nicknames was given to me, "If you think someone could spend all their life in Hell, facing nothing but death and damnation, for all that time, and not believe in God... you've got it all wrong. I absolutely believe in him. And I absolutely hate the fucker."
Now, this isn't to say that I'm Satanist or the like. But I am about as far from any religion as one can possibly be, without being a complete Anti-theist (or "Atheist", as most would call it), as I state in my profile, in more than one fashion.
But something that has always irritated me is that in all of those I've known, even my 'beloved' little sisters don't really seem to have any wish to confront me in any way (but then again, I suppose it is a little difficult to do that, when I always seem to possess a disturbingly valid point, as they would say). In fact, they see things in exactly the same light as I do, for the most part. I suppose that could be one reason they seem to look up to me as they do, even after the few times they have had to step in to stand by my side when no one else would - and vice versa, I might add.
But I do find it ironic, and perhaps even a little bit hypocritical of myself, in a way, that even despite my constant habit of being both correct, and seemingly "as solid as fate written in stone" in some ways... I seem to seek the challenge of finding the one person who can actually have the guts to stand face-to-face with me, without fear in their eyes, yet would typically be the one to "submit to the more dominant force", so to speak. In a sense, I guess you could say that I wish for the tables to turn in the one way that they never do for me. But in all of the irony, I have also found that it would still take a very specific person to be able to do that. And the biggest irony of all is that the person, alone, would thereby become the living irony, if this makes any sense to anyone else.
But I can also guarantee that the person who could finally do so would also end up being the one person that I care for the most, despite my hatred of the entire human race, versus the fact that the few I do care about I would still go to the ends of the earth for - which, considering how I am... that alone, would speak volumes, in my personal opinion.
Boy... Self-Conflict and Intuition Really Are A Bitch...20:55 Jul 27 2021
Times Read: 92
I keep finding myself wanting to do a final piece to depict an old conflict between myself and former "family" of some decades ago. But something has been telling me to just leave it be. I don't know if it's just not really wanting to, or if it's my intuition telling me not to, since apparently... some of my writing seems to foretell things.
Now, granted, I've noticed a strangeness to my own writing, and the things that I write of-- sometimes, I tend to write something that depicts a certain event, setting, or scenario. And apart from perhaps one detail; the manner in which it happens... those writings seem to occur, a Lot. And the irony of it all being that I usually try to go out of my way to avoid that happening.
Don't get me wrong, I prefer to be in the solace of my own solitude, living in the darkness. But if I seem to be unwittingly foretelling something, I would rather it be something that I know could have a way to bring me further solace, instead of what will only piss me off once more, in which case, there may be no way of knowing what kind of freakish thing I will pull.
Of course, I could be wrong. But given where I have been and what I've seen in my time... to be brutally honest, I would rather not take that chance, for once.
And Another Piece of Irony...06:58 Jul 25 2021
Times Read: 114
You know, I'm now, really starting to think that I need to take a closer look at what drives me to write my poetry and songs, because I swear, looking at my latest piece of poetry on here... I just now realized that it depicts my night's confrontation and lunacy almost in tandem...
"Madness & The Monster", despite the fact that I really had no intention of stopping myself to converse with a band of raving lunatics (whom, themselves, claim that I am such a "raving lunatic" (note the irony, there, too)), which I really should have avoided in the first place... almost seems a "tandem" of to-night and so many things that I am starting to sense coming.
I think I need to pay even closer attention to my mind than I already do.
Christ... I May be "Insanely" Intelligent... But Some Days, I Wonder, Even About Myself...
06:27 Jul 25 2021
Times Read: 119
I have to admit, I may have finally made one dumb move, tonight.
I was intending only to pay my little sister a visit, this even, when I'd gotten off work. But I saw one person whom I've been waiting to confront for awhile, and of course, I just had to be a dumbass, and stop to have words with the crazy broad... the woman who claims to be my "mother" yet was more of a clinging nutcase than anything.
Mind you, I would have gladly left the conversation alone, peacefully, after speaking my mind, anyway. But of naturally, this crazy broad's psychotic son had to arrive with a new little entourage, and but of course... people always have to claim they know everything, yet they clearly don't know a Goddamn thing. All I can say is that people really seem to enjoy living in delusion. A Lot.
Keeping in mind that despite how long I've lived, I do my damnedest not to make claims of things such as "immortality", or the like. But I know, also, that despite how long I've been around, as it is, I'm still "cursed", as it were, to watch as those around me seem to "fall like flies" when their time arrive.
Granted, I won't deny that there are some things I speak of that are considered to be "so fringe, it's impossible". But if one really looks at the facts of reality... What The Hell IS the true extent of the realm of possibility? If it is possible for a woman of 90 or so pounds to experience a blast of adrenaline that lets her lift a full-sized truck to save her child (and yes, this, in particular, did happen - just look it up), and for a person to live for well over 200 years as a monk, while also barely aging at all, until the day he chooses to die... then what else do people really think is "possible" or "impossible"?
Clearly, delusion and psychosis run in certain bloodlines.
Now, I can somewhat understand the man who claims to be my "father"... despite the delusion that he wishes to live under, at least his delusion doesn't drive him to being a danger to society. But apparently, there are some people who just can't resist that call of insanity.
Again, don't get me wrong; I also won't claim to be "perfectly sane", myself. In fact, after I had returned from an asylum, I had no choice but to embrace my own "insanity", and to walk through it, to the point of becoming a complete madman. But still, the simple fact that I've learned to control and USE my "insanity"... my madness, to reach another level altogether; In Al Honesty, I think that should say quite a lot. And really, I'm beginning to wonder just how much some people allow their own delusions to become even more deep and twisted than they are, already. Some people are just too damn weak to live without a crutch...
Naturally, someone apparently has to be convinced that I need some sort of "protection" from monseur piece of shit, and his little crowd. But if I really did, then why did I not die to-night, even knowing that one of them apparently always carries a firearm (which I actually kind of wonder if they even have it to legally carry, in the first place)? Considering how "unstable" I supposedly am, should I not already either be dead or still sitting in an asylum? Even beyond that, if I really were so damn "unstable", then how the Hell have I survived what I have already walked through?
If anything, what I would need is for something or someone to finally prove me wrong , and make it a good thing. The sad part is that just like in the case of my divorce, I've always known this lunacy was coming. Yet as the old phrase tends to go, the more I told people, in the past, the more they tried to claim I was full of shit. But of course, as time goes by and I've watched people only prove me correct, these days, they ask me things like "If you knew this was coming, shy did you do or say nothing about it before?"...
To which, my response has not changed one bit... "I have spoken up and acted before. You wanted to believe me to be delusional, despite everything I've done for you. So, would you really have listened This time around? I don't think so."
But of course... I have to be "the delusional one"... Yet, I distinctly remember, a night, ten years ago, almost to the season, when one particular asshole had to let his mouth write a check that his meat-head frame somehow couldn't cash, and guess who the Hell had to step in and be his family's "Superman", just before being faced with the choice of either being exiled for who-knows-how-long, or having to most likely spend even more time in a place where I would probably have been in shackles?
And actually, I do need to reiterate that... I was actually given the choice of either "leave and don't return" (though no one clarified for how long), or I had to "register myself as a walking weapon", and possibly sign any rights away to the state government. Now, granted, I don't really know if they could have legally done that. But considering the fact that the place where I had to essentially light a torch and stand against an army, on top of having to spend what felt like an eternity in an asylum... yeah, the place does have a habit of pulling some pretty illegal shit on the civilians. At least, they did so to me. Hence how I landed there, in the first place, years prior to my exile.
But all of this lunacy aside, while still keeping it part of the factor of topic... I really do wonder when the day will come that the people who have become controlled by their own lunacy finally decide to test my limits for their bullshit, one time too many. They certainly don't seem to have any level of decency or code of honor by which they would be living. If they did, then they wouldn't be so keen to twist things so violently.
Yet, once again, as I said... there are days when I even question my own actions, though those days are far and few between. But they are still there. Hell, now, I find myself more questioning what possessed me to risk My own ass to protect Them, all those years ago, as all it has done is come back to bite me in the ass. Furthermore, what the Hell ever possessed me to help these people, in the first place, more than a decade ago?... After all, I'm clearly not the savior that people seem to want. If anything, I seem to be the "monster" that most people DON'T want to even exist.
Well, Here is a REALLY Weird One...21:48 Jul 20 2021
Times Read: 131
I'm on YouTube, listening to old songs, as usual, but for some reason, I've been on a love song kick, for at least the past few weeks (yes, I know, considering what has been going through my mind over that time, it's really no surprise). But where the surprise lies is really, Really weird, even for me...
I just came across a song and its lyrics that almost seem to sound like something I wrote Years ago, and lost in a fire. The song itself, though I've heard the name of it before, perhaps a thousand times, sounds dreadfully familiar; similar to what I wrote. But what seems even stranger yet, is that as I'm listening to it, I began to make my computer malfunction again... typing without me touching a single key. But what it typed was something of my old thoughts...
"So many memory-inducing days, awaiting the end of the hell that stays"
I wrote it after I had come to realize things about myself, ages ago, and I had just slipped it into my journal, scribbled on a small piece of old animal skin.
I swear, existence must really love to mess with me.
Knowing This... Really Tempts me...15:24 Jul 19 2021
Times Read: 170
I see in some of the profiles of those few I associate with that these people are wanting to 'get back in shape', and make their lives better again - or at least, to focus on their own health. Understandable, to say the least.
I just wish that I could take the same route as you all do. But needless to say, I don't see that happening for myself any time soon. Sadly, I'm not the one who can just take a break from what I'm doing and work out for fifteen minutes or even a couple hours at a time, and watch results slowly appear.
I'm the one who has to (as some old, former friends of mine used to say)... "Go Goku-style, balls-to-the-wall", and break the limits on a regular basis.
Mind you, I learned this little factor about myself while I was locked in asylum. During that time, I had become so sick of being subjected to the disfunction that I had no choice but to "sit and wait" for everything to unfold, as my own mind began to slip (thank you much, society). Well, I began with initially, just 100 of everything, each day, for a solid week. After that, I didn't really feel much better about what I was going through. So, I said "fuck it", and I just "let the beast out".
Five Hundred (500) of Everything immediately broke through the walls, and I just said "to Hell with it". If supposed "reality" was so twisted as to allow me into that Hell, then My reality was even stronger and more devastating. I just didn't care. Five hundred pushups, situps, squats, chins - everything you could so do, even without the use of a gym, I pushed for it. Hell, I can still remember the guards seeing me for several nights straight, walking in (almost every time) while I pushed myself. At first, I didn't realize they were watching me on the cameras. Then I heard one of them finally pipe up--
"How The FUCK does someone of your size do ALL THAT?"
I only remember being a few counts away from my 500 goal-set. But of course, as I stood from my prone position (of course, it would be while I was doing pushups, of all things), I watch these two jackasses take a step back, as if they were waiting for me to clobber on one of them. And I only remember saying one thing to them, before I let myself fall back-first onto the floor, and started my damn situps.
"Simple, boy; I know you fellows don't fuck with the people here who are your size or larger. Yet you seem to enjoy messing with Me. Maybe this will show you it's not the best of ideas."
After that, I only remember hearing the floor rattle, as I hit... which probably wasn't the best way to do it, but hey... I held no regard for my own "life", at that point, and for the most part... I still don't. In fact, I probably hold even less, now, than I did back then.
The funny thing is that this was about fifteen years ago, now. Or somewhere in that range. But I can still remember the "insanity" I pulled, after I got out of the asylum. To use the words of those who saw me walk into town...
"Impossibly fast, strong, and absolutely NO fucks left to give... yeah, you've become a complete monster."
Not that most of those people will ever see this (or at least, it's highly unlikely), but... even back then, folks... not even close. I was only beginning my new transition into being what everyone called a "monster". It was what came long after that that truly opened thsoe doors, and ironic as it is... I still have that strength, today. I just don't possess the "definition" that I once did. Yet I'm still almost a fucking bag of bones, and it drives me nuts. I'm nowhere near the size that I used to be, long ago - in fact, I'm much smaller than I was, back then. And what is worse is that in the many years gone by, even before all that, I've lost height in a disturbing level. And frankly... I want it all back. My "definition", and my height, most of all. But I know I can't do that with a simple "few minutes a day" routine, like others do. I have to go back and "shatter the limits" all over again, which... believe me, when I have the things I need set straight again, I am returning to that, once more. But I'm going about everything that I've ever done in a whole new way. And in all honesty, if I must, I will go as far as breaking into one of my local gyms, just to see how far I can push it in a local setting (which may not be the best idea, actually, now that I think about it... I've already destroyed one gym doing that, and it pissed off the owners)...
Okay, is the Web trying to tell me something, here?...17:49 Jul 16 2021
Times Read: 205
I really wish I could be making this up. But it seems that for the past few days, now, I've been finding adds popping up on my screen that... are really beginning to confuse the Hell out of me. I would post images of these damn things, but for some reason, the browser won't let me do that. Things just seem to come up blank.
But as it stands... yes, I have been, for the past month or so, in the process of a divorce from my (still current) wife, and, in all honesty, I will admit that I have spared no excess in telling of how much of a mistake our relationship was, from the beginning. To be blunt, this woman and I Just Did NOT Belong Together. Yet now, I am catching these ads all over the place, where I'm not even looking for such things. In fact, I've also been catching songs that I used to enjoy, years ago, that I came to despise... and now, I'm finding myself listening to them, as if I never lost my liking to begin with.
Now, Here, however, is where it gets a little extra weird...
Simply due to my wife, I distinctly recall having sworn off relationships and love, as a whole. Yet I find myself so damn conflicted, as I find something (of course, on here, of all places - why the Hell not?) that despite my purely numbed state... immediately strikes me so damn hard that it scares the shit out of me, even now... Nearly a Month Later.
I seriously feel like I am more than just losing my mind, here. And the fact that these damn things keep popping up, even after I've done all that I can think of (including ad-blocking) that I can really do... this stuff keeps popping up. Over. And Over. And Over again. So, my simple question, here is...
Is there something I am greatly missing, here? Or is someone trying to tell me something that I'm unintentionally ignoring? If you who read this can figure this one out, then please, do tell. I don't care if it's by a comment, or a message. But I am absolutely fucking lost for explanation and logic, here.
Don't take it the wrong way, but...17:04 Jul 16 2021
Times Read: 210
As I'm looking through the Stream, obviously, I couldn't help noticing the posts from "LordMogy" (I think that's how you spell it, so correct me if I'm off on that), which... in truth, buddy...
Now, I may be wrong in my statement of this, so again, if I am, then please correct me, because it may sound "off-putting", but I am far from trying to start something, here. But personally, I have never met any man who claims "Warlock", who didn't ultimately or prematurely have something ridiculous against me (especially the last one I encountered on several occasions, which I won't get into unless I'm asked. But suffice to say, people think I'm a "piece of shit"; they clearly haven't met that one).
So, again, back to the topic, here... I know that my statement here is likely to be construed in a fucked up manner, but all I will say is "take it as you will".
To me, the term "Warlock"... is really not a good one. In fact, I see it, personally, on about the same level as would be the "N-bomb", as they used to call it... and given how I am, I'm not going to use the real term's reference, because it just doesn't seem right to me. I had to work like crazy to break myself of using it in the first place, because the word had rubbed off on me from being around too many idiots (which I really had no place amongst them, to begin with).
But the term/word "Warlock", itself (and frankly, it actually makes that dark voice in the back of my head just growl), to what I have always seen, has never been anything more than a term or title taken in arrogance, by men or boys who say they practice the Craft, yet... really... it's always been just a ploy of power from them. Hell, as I said, I have never actually met one in person who wasn't some kind of fucked in the head, to the degree of having some non-existent grudge against me, for something that was in no way pertinent. Even one of the last ones I met in person was, well... Really fubar. The guy actually tried to threaten me, behind my back, thinking I wouldn't find out, and yet, to my face, claimed to be such a powerful friend... I really couldn't get myself to do anything but laugh at the guy, in the end, to be honest.
Now, yes, I know that times have changed, and certain words still hold a strong stigma that they shouldn't. And yes, perhaps "warlock" may be amongst them. But to be fair, even if still an asshole about it, I remain the type of "I'll believe such a thing when I see it".
In this particular case, I refer to the concept of the unlikely chance of meeting a man who makes the "warlock" claim and isn't (to put it lightly) insanely fucked up. And actually... this is one of those cases in which I really would like to be proven wrong, somehow.
But then again, I still and likely forever will have one view that doesn't change: I don't give a damn what gender you are... a Witch is a Witch, Male or Female makes no difference. The only real difference between any of the "titles" or terms is what path we as practicioners follow.
Here again, I, myself, am Eclectic and Shamanic (for the most part). But despite most of my known use being of nature (hence, Shamanism), I do also possess a strong ability, myself, for other kinds of the Craft, which, in a lot of cases, I prefer not to use. But I could well be completely wrong in my understanding of the one in particular. And if I am, then I would actually legitimately appreciate being corrected. And I really don't care how that correction is shown, for the most part. And in all honesty, I actually do hope that "LordMogy" would be of those to see this, because to my understanding, it does directly pertain to him/you, buddy.
To me, there are certain things that will, admittedly, forever hold some kind of negative or overall bad connotation. And while some I can understand being defended, others... not so much. So, really, I guess you could say that I'm semi-openly reaching out for the explanation of it to me, though I live by the laws of magic, myself... I can't quite wrap my head around the idea of how this one thing can really be good.
When The Insomnia Wears Off, and Then Comes Right Back...
11:26 Jul 16 2021
Times Read: 218
You know, I'm pretty sure anyone else with a strange "form" of insomnia will understand this frustration fairly well... but how well, exactly, is the question.
Now, granted, mind you, I have always been an 'incurable' insomniac. Many years ago, it was simply a case of Awake for a few days straight, yet always tired as shit during the day, and then I finally fall asleep in the middle of every shool day, etcetera. But when I got locked in the asylum, my insomnia became a lot worse. They put me on "sleep aides", and it kept me awake for weeks on end, and when I finally came down from it, and crashed... I don't just mean "crashing"... I mean that I crashed like a physical two-to-five-ton box of bricks. I was out like a candle in the middle of a rain storm, dead to the world of both the living and the dead, itself.
Now, however, about a decade ago, I spent some time in West Virginia, wherein my last two months (ish) were spent in a men's homeless shelter, wherein I was one of the only two or three sober people, throughout the entire building, of more than two hundred people (actually, this was about the same time as the major Swine Flu outbreak, and I was in the "Ground Zero" location of WV, of all things). But given that I was the only nocturnal one there, literally surrounded by drug addicts, alcoholics, and all-around "tweakers" from virtually every background imaginable, I couldn't exactly get myself to sleep worth shit, no matter what I did. So, of course, I spent (quite literally) a month and a half straight, wide awake, the entire time. Strangely enough, nearly no caffeine, whatsoever - in fact, I was lucky to get a can of cola or a cup of coffee every few days.
But of course, everyone around me became extremely "freaked out" by the fact that I didn't "seem to sleep" even the slightest bit; even when I was lying down, I was still awake, and listening/watching everything while my hat covered my face. Yet, of course, whenever someone tried to get close to me (like idiots always do), I only raised my hat off my face, and stared at these morons (apparently, with a look of "I fucking DARE you, asshole"), only to see even those of the darkest skin (of which there weren't very many) turn pale, when they saw my eyes not only still open, but not even blinking.
Needless to say, I scared the absolute shit out of Them, back then. And no one could figure out how I had managed, with a clean system, to not only stay awake for so long, but remained unaffected by the Swine Flu that hit, but I did this all while being fully awake, the entire time. But of course, it took awhile for That one to catch up to me. However, when it did... naturally I constantly had someone chewing me out for "sleep so much", until I finally "bit back" and told them "Hey, fuckhead! The day that YOU have to spent time in a place where you are literally surrounded by too many psychos and weirdos to sleep, at all, THEN you can bitch at Me about MY sleeping habits. Until then, go fuck yourself."
Yeah, people didn't really like that much.
Yet fast forward to to-day, and I'm still dealing with the same old thing... only now, it seems to be a little strange. Instead of my typical insomnia, fueled by just sheer happenstance or being surrounded by too much funny-business (or even just my typical nightmares and night terrors, of which I've grown accustomed to)... I am haunted by a combination of old memories and something... new. I'm fairly sure that anyone who reads my poetry work would obviously know exactly what I'm talking about. But the simple fact being that I've, thus far, spent already, I think more than a week, unable to sleep worth a damn - my mind is always filled with the same thoughts, which, however, seem to be "lingering", yet growing stronger, which is what actually messes with me, the most.
A week or so, straight, I have not been able to get mroe than an hour of sleep, at a time, no matter what I do, and then, finally, yesterday morning, I crashed like a freight carrier loaded with TNT, and awoke from almost the same dreams that I have been having of late (i.e., the dreams that have been "freaking ME out"), at about 16:00 (or 4-ish, in the afternoon), and I still can't seem to figure it out.
Here I am, dealing with the same inflicted insomnia, almost right away, again. And I've got to say... it's extremely frustrating, to put it lightly.
Finally, the 'Fresh New Thought' Hits...
15:44 Jul 14 2021
Times Read: 235
I finally find myself getting hit with a semi-new thought for a piece of writing. This one, however... I'm not fully sure... but it may possess the potential of being what some here may call "extremely powerful". However, I'm a little hesitant to place the entirety of it here, as the full meaning of it may be well understood, but I don't think the full meaning of it will take on the same level without using it for my music, as well. And in truth, it feels like the piece that I have in mind can only be completely met with something that is heard with music.
However, I will, on that note, first, place a small fraction of its meaning here, as a hint of where the work itself is intended to go.
I would give to you My shattered soul,
If you would give Me your healing heart;
I would surrender, to you, all control,
If you would but take My hand to commence to restart.
The King of shadows would kneel to have a Queen,
If you would but give it your heart, in your own resolute.
This dark King would be proud to live of servitude,
As you make the inferno heart once again sing to be seen.
Thanks to Old Times...
07:03 Jul 14 2021
Times Read: 250
In light of my own recent events, of the past two - near to three - months, and in part due to the question asked by an old friend of mine; in fact the same one who decided to swing back around... I am actually thinking (amongst all the other things) of returning to an old "alias" of mine. Particularly since I thought of it, as very few I have ever known have ever earned the right to refer to me by the acronym of that alias. Obviously, I won't say it here, for the moment. But suffice to say that once I have things properly set, completely, again, I will be seeing what I can do to actually have that name legally made useful, soon enough.
For those curious, the name that I once went by was something of an "enigma" or an acronym of sorts. Somewhat as a sudonym or the like, for the Real me. Originally, only one man ever knew me by that name, besides my Brother, but since most of that history has long been forgotten, I think it's time for me to return a small part of it back to my true nature. However, in turn, should I use the name, also, for a profile, I will forewarn people that what they may see in that profile won't be what you have come to see of me, here. But it will also be very faint of use. The main purpose of my old alias, many years ago, was more to protect those around me (at least originally). But now, should I bring that name back, it will be with another purpose, entirely, in mind, though very similar. And I may eventually make it known on here, assuming the mood suits me, by that point.
In the days leading up to now, I have been finding myself torn into what feels like a sense of oblivion, by a strange combination of undying hate of a strength that, in all honesty, I don't think anyone should have to know, and for once, a sense of fear that I have never known, myself.. Considering I've never found myself in fear of anything, it says a lot when I say that I am actually afraid of something. But all of this is just a few of the reasons for which I'm considering resurrecting that alias, if I find I can.
But then, considering what I used to do, and will at some point be going back to all of it, once again; just on a different level... I don't really see what problem I will really have in bringing it back, but on the possible legal level, since I still cannot obtain my original identity. I seem to be stuck with the legal name that I have, these days, unless I do things on a level outside legality, or I have a chat with someone a little higher in the system than I have before.
But needless to say, since I have returned to the more full sense of my self, once again, and this time, I won't be going to try to go back to a world I don't belong in... I think that it's high time I started breaking down the doors to the Fullest Self, and started using my capacity to the max, and began controlling it all, again. So, I guess, in part, thanks to old friends, as well...
I guess it's time to say "Hello", once again, to the old King of Shadows; the Shadow Walker King.
I Have to Admit... It's Been a Long, Long Time...
00:41 Jul 14 2021
Times Read: 259
Yes, I will admit, though not with reluctance, that it's been quite a long time since I've been reminded of old friends who manage to find their way back around the tree, so to speak. and the return of one friend actually gives me a sense of hope, almost, for the others. Most of them, anyway. But some, I would just as soon not have them ever come back around to even open their mouths or look in my direction (as if they would even know where to look, anyway).
Though, I'm currently still in the midst of a divorce (which, though I would rather not have, it is for the best, because frankly... I can't really say that I ever actually loved my wife. But the history is too damn twisted to care for, now), I find myself remembering a lot of old friends - some of which have been very close, and we went our separate ways for a very long time. Some have stuck around, and done their best to be there for a "ghost" like me (an example being my "little sister" of sorts, whom I found out was just waiting for me to pop up at her door) to simply swing back around, myself. But of all those old friends, suffice to say, I have learned whom, amongst them all, is really worth their weight, in my immediate or even distant midst.
There are certain things that I don't divulge, even on here, given what kind of people sometimes frequent the site. But I will say that of the few friends that I have, and some of which being From here, those of you know who you are, and frankly, I would like to think that you know this "subliminal" gratitude when you see it. At times, your persistence will agitate the Hell out of me, but in the end, it almost seems like that persistence (and in some cases, return) is sometimes what drive I need to maintain a semblance of hope, even though I view "hope" as something so accursed that not even so-called "black magic" of the worst level can compare.
But those of you who have held my eyes and probably busted your asses to hold my attention, at times, each have done more than you know in helping to keep an old "ghost" and shadow from losing what little remained of himself. I'm reminded, quite frequently, of when I first joined this site, and had a mountain of ironies transpire in the process. Yet seeing the return of some old friends, while meeting others since my own return is quite the strong reminder of who I have always been, and always will be.
And it has, indeed, been a fairly long time, to say the least.
And of Course... Why The Hell Not...
03:54 Jul 09 2021
Times Read: 304
And as if I wasn't feeling "troubled" enough, already... earlier, I had to have the soon-to-be ex-wife call me, asking about the fucking divorce papers, again. And I distinctly remember telling this woman that When I knew something, She would know something.
You know... it isn't like I wanted us to end up getting a divorce. Quite frankly, I just knew that I couldn't make her happy, no matter what I did; so, against my more hopeful side, I simply told her, at some point, to let me know when she wanted a divorce. But of course, she would choose the time right after she's already left me (just as I knew would happen, anyway), and I've lost everything I'd fought for us to have together. But I guess that was never enough.
Again, I know that I've made my mistakes. But to claim that it wasn't a two-way street is stupidity and (to be frank about it) treachery, to boot. But I do find it highly funny and ironic (and yes, I legitimately mean both of those) that just earlier, before she called me, I saw something on here that... really strikes me, because of just how correct it is.
I am Still catching the blame and the Hell for the things that Someone Else Has Done To ME, Instead. Don't you just fucking love irony...?
Trying to Think of Something... Semi-New...
02:52 Jul 09 2021
Times Read: 306
I've been trying, all afternoon - and evening - to think of a way to write something semi-new (or, at least, to do it in a new way, so to speak), but I keep drawing a bit of a blank, for ways to go about it.
It seems almost that I'm missing the 'rhythm' to which I want the piece to be at, but I know it isn't so much the 'rhythm' I'm missing. Instead, it's the "emotion" that I want to project.
I'm pretty sure that anyone who reads enough of my journals probably knows exactly what I'm talking about - mainly my poetry works - when I say I think I'm missing the "emotion" needed to project. I'm finding myself wishing that I could feel like everyone else does, or at least convey what I may be feeling, myself. But I suppose it almost seems like the number one reason I'm able to write "such powerful meaning" is because I don't quite "feel" as others do. To be honest, it gets a little frustrating.
I can write what I believe I feel all damn day. But it doesn't help if I don't feel that I can fully convey something.
Something... Somewhat New-ish
13:43 Jul 07 2021
Times Read: 314
More of an old memory, I suppose, I've added to my blogs of "A Shadow's Mindings", for those who would like to read it. And if you would also like to share it, then please, do feel free. Either way, let me know in your comments (be they here or there) if you think I should change something in future articles, or the like.
In fact, if you who read do choose to share my articles, it would actually be appreciated.
Of All People And Things...
13:56 Jul 05 2021
Times Read: 349
In the roughly eight years that I have had this profile, and much longer that I have walked the "path" that I have, on a social scale, there seem to be two things (or categories, in a way) that never really cease to amaze me.
Of those who know me, each knows that I tell of things, in my profile, my journals, and far beyond the Rave, that sometimes may resonate with others, and sometimes they have another effect. But that being said, it's something entirely different when something has any such effect on one such as myself.
In this, I refer to two particular things;
All night and all morning, just as the other day, I have had trouble with sleeping, because, admittedly, yes... I will admit that I've been "troubled", to say the least. But then again, one could and might as well say that I always am. Quite frankly, I have never been able to escape from it. But when I say this, some may think of it as either "complaining" or "ranting" about something... Trust me. Far From It.
For the sake of trying to keep my mind straight, I often listen to music and write on my spare time, since I really haven't felt the drive to do much else with myself, when I'm not at work. In all honesty, despite having an acoustic guitar that sits behind me (which I can't play acoustic to save my life, anyway), and perhaps plenty of reading material at my disposal, I can't bring myself to utilize most of it (even though when I've read all of my favourite books perhaps a hundred times), to keep my mind occupied. Hell, I even made a blog post about it, just last night/this morning. So, instead, I listen to music and write, in an attempt to keep myself "right". But when a song (or a series of them) appears in one's YouTube playlist, and just happens to be of a group to which one actually feels a strong tie, because they helped to pull you out of one of the darkest times of life... that is when things begin to get strange. I haven't really been able to she honest tears in quite some time, now. In fact, since before my wife left me. So, it goes without the requirement of being said that when I heard a series of songs by my #1 personal favourite group appear on a playlist, though I didn't break down, I've actually felt something that I haven't felt in nearly twenty years; I actually felt a weight in my chest that seemed to both grow heavier and lift straight off. Almost a "shifting" sensation, if you will. And I actually felt tears slowly starting to hit me. But the reason for it... I hate to admit it, but it surprises even me to say that it's now the only thing, apart from my own Self (or my nightmares) that I actually feel fear of. And take my word for it, when I say That is something strong.
Not too long after hearing this series of songs, I jumped back on here, to find something that legitimately caught me by surprise. And I'm fairly sure that anyone who sees This will also notice, a little further down, what it was that caught me by surprise. Of all people, I never expected the comment from Him. In fact, my friend... I'm not really one to believe in the sort of thing, but it almost feels like some manner of "sign", so to speak.
Mind you, I have been re-learning a lot of things since my return to the Rave; most of which being computer-based. But it has been taking a little while for me to remember them. But it's still a bit of a surprise to see even a simple comment from you waiting for me in my journals. I know you may or may not recall when I had first joined your site, when you had decided to drop in on my cam, and to this day, I don't fully recall why. But given where I have been for the many years, it still catches me a little off-guard, to a degree. And your comment, regardless of the meaning and origin, struck an interesting and old note with me, that has started to remind me of things.
Unfortunately, though the reminder(s) is and are a great big help - especially in my state of mind, of late - the one thing wherein they don't really help much is the one way in which I feel that I lack the most capacity. And at this point, there is really only one person, even on here, who knows exactly what that is. But it also isn't quite as though that one person could really do anything to help me, per say. As some might say "it's up to me". But at the same time, I don't really see myself being able to freely pull myself from the "funk", as it were (if a "funk" is really the word I would use).
To pay attention to my many writings - at least, my poetry - anyone might notice that I speak a lot of pain and heartache, madness and insanity, and admittedly... more anger than most should ever know. In fact, in previous works that this site has never seen, I have actually been told that my work is apparently "so wrenching, it's frighteningly powerful".
Now, personally, I wouldn't really know. I have to rely on the opinions of others to tell me, simply because I have been burned and numbed to the point of being both heavily callous, but also being hesitant to let myself feel anything, at all.
It is a little strange to deliberate that in all the years that I have been doing what I do, that I have yet to put a musical tone to what I write, as I would like to do. But at the same time, I feel that I personally lack the full "talent" required to do that. So most of my seemingly "infinite" work stays with me (quite literally), possibly never to see the light of day or the ears of anyone who would read it.
But admittedly, the reminder staying that sometimes, things just may well be "listening" or "watching" from wherever may be... I can't help but feel the sense of appreciation for the man, himself, a more "distant friend" as I have seen you as, over the years that I've been here, on the site. And often times, you seem to show up when I am either being a "loud and proud jackass" (and yes, I do proudly admit to that), or, even stranger, still... to drop in on me with something more relative to Here...
In the (in all honesty, fairly strong) likelihood that you happen to read this, Cancer... you might not realize it yourself, but the simple fact of it remains; of all the people that I've seen, even on here... you are amongst the few who has actually taken me a little bit by surprise. And as per typical, the surprise is really quite pleasant and uplifting, because you were among the number of people that I never actually expected to drop in on me, even as you have. And really, I feel like you would be giving yourself a headache with what you do to keep your site going. But given that (from what I have noticed) it seems to be your pride and joy, and the fact that you and your "ring", per say, have been there to help people in more ways than any of you even realize... I think it really goes without proper mention that you seem to be underappreciated, at times.
And yes, I know that some who read this might think of it as "brown nosing", as the older phrase goes. But again, nothing can be further from the truth. I can still remember when I first joined the site, and to my own surprise, I had apparently caught attention that was a little unexpected. From the "hierarchy" of the site to some of the most "funky" and even some of the saddest 'bullies' that I have ever bumped into, online... yes, I have seen a fair number of them all. But the reminder being that it almost always seems that in a person's darkest (or at least... darker) times, there is always that odd-ball-out instance when they are reached to in some way. And even in this case, it was still unexpected.
I really am not sure you fully know or understand your own level, Cancer, my friend. You may only be 'distant" from me, per say, but it almost seems as though you were watching for me, for some odd reason. So, for what it's worth, despite the minuscule appearance of it all, I thank you.
This One Took Awhile, And Some Doing...
06:33 Jul 05 2021
Times Read: 361
Well, I finally got my old blog(s) linked to my profile. I would have done it much sooner, but frankly, Myself and Technology (or more... electronics) do not get along the best. Despite my ever-gaining knowledge of it, I still have the adverse effect on a lot of things, including, evidently, my own computer (which fortunately, yet ironic, isn't even brand new).
I find myself listening to "Metalstep", as I write, as one of the holidays I dislike the most has finally passed, and yet... I find myself fighting with the same old sense of loss and Being lost.
In all honesty, I know that to others, there would really be "no excuse", but given that I have always and forever been the "Black Sheep" (in more ways than most can fathom), I find myself only trying hard to embrace the solitude and loneliness that is felt through the growing numbness. The only thing I can really say is that I have to find a way to keep my mid busy, or I will likely end up finding myself forcing myself into the world of nightmares. And frankly, my ability to do that seems to have become highly limited, even more so, of late.
I write a lot of poetry that, really, is all based from what I see and conceptualize in my own mind - I wish I could say I "feel" it, but in all honesty, besides Myself... I do somewhat feel as though feeling any form of "positive emotion" would almost be detrimental to myself ("why?" I'm not entirely sure). Some of my more recent writings are actually reflective of exactly this.
But, I suppose... More to Come...
Something of a "new" sense to me...11:38 Jul 03 2021
Times Read: 375
For some odd reason, I was driven earlier, to write yet another piece. But this one, I can legitimately say that I am a little hesitant to post, at all.
I know that I apparently have a habit of writing "pretty powerful" poetry. But in all honesty, though I strongly do appreciate having "fans" of my work... the more "close" something feels to me, the less I wish to "show it off", without something to go with it. And interesting enough, the piece that I just finished with a few minutes ago seems exactly that: requiring something to go along with it. But of course, the one thing it needs is something that I currently can't 'supply' right now, as I lack any form of musical instrument (or multiple thereof) to accompany it.
However, upon that note, I am soon going to begin removing some of my work from here - at least, the pieces that seem the closest to me - so that I can eventually put them along to some music to begin appropriately putting their message in place.
Granted, I'm not (at present) fully sure how I intend to do that, but I know I have to figure something out. And when I do, I'll be sure to bring my work to the Rave, for others to see, if they do wish I'm currently trying to return to my music, at last, along with other things I did many years ago. But this time, I intend to also make something of it, even if it doesn't reach as far as I have hopes for.
Sometimes, I swear...09:04 Jul 03 2021
Times Read: 380
I am beginning to believe that there is simply something about this site that just doesn't like me much, most days. Especially with the way that I write - primarily in rhyme... good grief. Some things just never seem to come out correctly, unless it is just kept "solid", and even then, apparently, the field seems almost disastrously limited.
But then, what else I can expect, I don't really know, considering I've never had very good "luck" with modern-day technology. It's pretty damn bad when you can simply touch things (for example; almost anything made by Apple) and it does something it shouldn't be doing, just before it fries like a potato. Hell, in all honesty, I'm just lucky that my 'new' computer appears too old for that particular effect to apply, for now.
Debating Upon Something "New" I've Been Hearing About...
14:43 Jul 02 2021
Times Read: 393
Of late, I have been catching wind of an interesting "new" way to put my old trade(s) with technology to use. And to be honest, if I were to find out that I could use it to replace my current work, I think I would be plenty willing to go said route. But I do find myself wondering about it, given that most who do it... simply do so "for fun". Myself, I'm not so interested in the "fun" concept of it, given that for the most past, I really don't care for most of society. But at the same time, given the "ethics" of it... I certainly won't deny that the temptation is very much there, and strong. But simply using my abilities to find missing persons', etc... ... personally, I find myself thinking that the way I used to ply my abilities was far more interesting, but at the same time, I also know (and even back then, I knew, especially) that it was risky as Hell. Especially when I had my local police department knocking at my door (little did I realize, however, that they were about to be asking for my help, instead of "busting me" for practically everything that I could very well have gone to prison for, at the time).
But I actually find myself seeking a little bit of opinion, in this case. I am soon enough to be looking further into it, but I do find myself also somewhat doubting the likelihood of it actually working well.