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Fizbop's Journal


Fizbop's Journal

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6 entries this month
 

Because I feel like it

06:43 Oct 28 2018
Times Read: 411



COMMENTS

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because no one really gives a flying .....

20:16 Oct 23 2018
Times Read: 448


Here's what's going to happen. In one week and one day. I'll be living on the streets of New Mexico. No one can help me, I have no resources, no income, and the shelter can't help me either cuz I was AMAB and being that I still have that they can't put me on either side of the homeless shelter. I've called and confirmed this.

There is no financial assistance for me in this time of need. I've tried begging for help from numerous sources. There is no help from any service what so ever. Confirmed by my therapist that I saw today.

I can't keep things straight in my mind. It's processes things a lot different then anyone's I'll hear one thing that isn't what is actually conveyed. My Therapist really thinks it's a poor idea and bad idea that I work at all.

I'm not mentally in a good place to hold down any work. But yeah no one cares about that.

Facts are facts reguardless. I'm broke no money, no one can legally help me. Financially or otherwise. NO ONE so don't fucking ask cuz I have checked with everyone I know and I can't stay with a friend or anyone for reasons I'm not going to discuss.

I'm fucking angry pissed off. That everything that said would help me has failed except my partner who's been doing a lot and I feel now I'm a burden to them.

There's no resources to help me in this city, and I would have to move, which I can not do cuz a. I don't have the money and I'll have no one at all to help me.

I'm probably going to try to hurt myself when this happens.


COMMENTS

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FeverDreams
FeverDreams
12:54 Oct 24 2018

Oh no! Please don't hurt yourself.





Fizbop
Fizbop
17:59 Oct 26 2018

why not.





XbluesandX
XbluesandX
18:59 Oct 28 2018

I’m really sorry. You can’t find anyway to support yourself? We all have to do things we don’t want to. I think you would make a really cute bartender. Do you own a car? What about a pizza delivery driver? Both jobs make good tips.





 

I'm damn sexy deal with it

22:57 Oct 22 2018
Times Read: 461



COMMENTS

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FeverDreams
FeverDreams
12:55 Oct 24 2018

You have a very small waist and I am soooo jealous :D





Fizbop
Fizbop
15:48 Oct 24 2018

thank you





hannahrose
hannahrose
09:10 Nov 08 2018



YOU ARE SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL BOTH ON THE INSIDE AND ON THE OUTSIDE. YOU LOOK SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL.




Fizbop
Fizbop
09:38 Nov 08 2018

thank you





 

Broken Inside

00:53 Oct 18 2018
Times Read: 483


Where do you go from rock bottom?

Further down to self destruction.

I've faced this 3 times, and about to be homeless.

I don't feel wanted or needed anymore.

Nothing really matters anymore.

I'm just an empty shell of a woman that is broken inside

I'll admit I'm getting more lovely as the time goes.

Just isn't fast enough.

I've killed my past self

Redefined myself.

I'm kind and caring

I'm an ass and rude

I love sex and can't get enough to the point it toxicfies my relationships.

I'm not worthy of anyone's love

I self sabatoge myself at every turn

I am broken from the inside.

The smile a facade the happiness is an act

The way I think is not like anyone else

I am broken from the inside

tears down my face as I'm about to face what ever is next


COMMENTS

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hannahrose
hannahrose
09:12 Nov 08 2018



YOU AER WORTHY OF LOVE KINDNESS ADN SUPPORT. YOU DESERVES LIFES BEST AND I AM THERE FOR YOU ANYTIME YOU NEED SUPPORT.




 

Stuff

23:45 Oct 03 2018
Times Read: 517


I'm can't afford a razor, I can't afford a new outfit, I can't afford to live where I do, I can't keep this cycle going. I can't stop my mental illness.

What I can do is offer compassion and caring an open ear and open heart. I'm a friend till the very end. Yes I've made a ton of mistakes in my life. Yes, I'm finally able to love myself thanks to figuring out what's been missing all these years.

I'm a brilliant Woman with learning disabilities. I'm a beautiful woman with a ton of mental health issues. I somehow always survive. I'm a friend for life if you'll have me as such. As for my mistakes I've learned from them adapted. I still struggle but I do my best.

We are all human. When someone is really showing that humanity it hits my heart which is very open though I'm a very closed off person. I'm not used to sharing my feelings or thoughts. It's very hard for me. A difficult task to deal with PTSD and trauma.

I want to fully be a woman and that'll require surgery which I've been lucky to escape. The more my transition progresses the more I feel me. Despite my mental health my transition and my loved ones keep me going. Though it's very difficult for me.

Thank you for being apart of my little world and putting up with my posts and selfies. I do appreciate all that support me. I say this to all. I'm a lucky woman to have so many of you around the world showing me love and support.

Comments that y'all been posting gives me hope. I love you and thank you


COMMENTS

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XbluesandX
XbluesandX
00:31 Oct 04 2018

Someone told me this today. I can pass it along...

“Live that you might find the answers.
You can't know before you live.
Love and life will give you chances.
From your faults learn to forgive.”





hannahrose
hannahrose
09:15 Nov 08 2018



JUST TO REMIOND YOU, YU ARE BLODO FAMILY TO ME. AND I LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE RIGHT NOEW. THERE IS NOTHING WRON WITH YOU. I AM SO GLAD WE ARE FIRENDS AS YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR ME AND SUPPORTED AND I CONSIDER YOU ONE OF MY DEAREST FRIENDS HERE, GUESS WHAT? YOU ARE STUCK WITH ME NO MATTER WHAT.I HAVE YOUR BACK AND I CARE ABOUT YOU AND ALL YOU GO THRU.




 

Need some serious help

01:26 Oct 03 2018
Times Read: 541


I got my diagnosis major depressive disorder, psychotic features, ptsd, and generalized anxiety disorder all severe.

 So what's happened in my life to get me to this point?  Well I lost someone close to me at a young age.  I've been sexually abused, physically abused, mentally abused, and physiologically abused.  I also have been discriminated against by my previous employer who set me up to fail.  Not providing training as needed, not listening to me when discussing transgender issues, training issues, bathroom usage issues. 

Constant misgendering me.  Even after correcting them constantly.  Telling me how I need to dress to be female as if clothing defined me.  Constant hr discrimination against me.  Giving me other options and not allowing those options when I asked for them.  

After being let go of my job I fell into a deep dark pit of depression.  I was so worried about hurting myself I admitted myself to the inpatient mental health so that I didn't do self harm or worse.  Friday the 28th a staff member stated that my doctor psychologist " in order to be safe I should transition back to male"  Giving me back into a life I was very unhappy with.  The staff member then stated that they said that's not a good idea.  

The Doctor requested me after I let the director and staff know I was being discriminated against.   The Doctor had actually stated "she can't be safe even at a homeless shelter & how bad it would be if I did try to transition back" 

Either way it's discrimination no matter what either the person saying it or the person relating that information should be held accountable.  The admin staff agree with me that I should file a law suit

Not to mention losing my home that I've been in for a year. 

So I'm trying to deal with all of this stuff and trying to self care.  When doctor's don't see you when you need to.  They don't listen to what you need in order to help yourself.  It's ridicules


COMMENTS

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NLW
NLW
01:35 Oct 03 2018

I'm sorry that's happening to you. I hope you feel better and things get better for you soon. I have my own issues with doctors not listening to me, for different reasons. It sucks.





KarminaTheDarkAngel
KarminaTheDarkAngel
06:00 Oct 03 2018

I'm so sorry all that happened to you, in some ways I do understand , I've gone through sexual abuse , emotional , physical, abandonment etc.. I have severe anxiety and PTSD and a page full of disorders and drs see me long enough to see if I'm on my meds and then excuse me for another 6 weeks or so ... it does suck ...








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