Lockedinamber's Journal


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8 entries this month

17:42 Mar 27 2023
Times Read: 148

I felt like I was making some sort of progress in my life. I truly felt like my broken mind was healing. I am not sure that is entirely true . I went to my aunt's funeral and gazed upon her pale face. I felt nothing for the woman I once loved greatly. I didn't bother to fill my head with things like at least she's not suffering. No one was weeping. Everyone was talking and joking around like it was a family reunion not a funeral. No one liked my aunt, she was a total bitch to everyone. She wasn't as mean to me as she was to everyone else. We go to the cemetery and lower her into the ground. Done. Its officially hitting me. She's gone. I turn around to see my bitch cousin angrily glaring at me. Why is she angry with me this time? I couldn't care less. My business with the funeral is done so I turn to leave. She suckered punches me in the back of the head and I almost land in the grave my aunt now lay in. I get up, dust the mud off my hands and knees. I walk off. I don't say anything to her. I don't care why she is angry. She yells something and once more punches me. Fuck it. Apparently I am not going anywhere unless I fight her. So I fought her. After she landed on the ground panting hard, and covered in mud I left her. I never said a word to her. Asking said I don't care why she is pissed at me. She has been awful to me for 6 years now. Whatever I've done, or didn't do is not my problem. I would much rather not have her in my life. I have reached the point in my life it's time to focus on me. I need to figure out what I want in life because right now I feel a little lost. How do you live when all you have done is just survive or tried to die? I got to figure it out. I'm tired of being mentally broken and suicidal. I feel myself slipping into isolation again. I don't want to talk to anyone not even this journal. People will take it personally but I can't focus on why I've pissed them off.



17:49 Mar 27 2023

Sorry for that bad experience.


18:07 Mar 22 2023
Times Read: 167

My aunt died recently. Although I hadn't spoken to her in years she was still a decent person. I hope her soul finds peace in whatever comes after death.



22:29 Mar 22 2023

Sorry for your loss


08:31 Mar 18 2023
Times Read: 185

I've been keeping myself so busy I can't think straight. I'm exhausted. I know I'm pushing myself too hard but I just want to go back to being numb. I don't want to talk. I just want to go lie down in a dark room. I just want to sleep. I want to heal and recharge myself. One more day of complete chaos before I can turn my phone off and sleep as long as the medication will make me.




01:49 Mar 14 2023
Times Read: 232

The online "relationship " is now in destruction. But then again I knew it wouldn't last. He had a girlfriend. After I found out I asked him why would he entertain the idea of even being in some sort of relationship with me if he had her. His response was because the world couldn't afford to lose me if I committed suicide. It was sweet but so bullshit. I asked him what would he have done if his girlfriend found out and she committed suicide. He said at least I would still be alive. I blocked him. His logic doesn't make sense to me. Why wouldn't he care more about his girlfriend? We had only been a thing for about a month. I was nothing special and it was just words. We never video chatted or even sexted each other. Maybe he thought he was doing some sort of a community service. Maybe he pitied me. I do not need anyone's pity. The while ordeal just left me pissed off.



09:04 Mar 14 2023

I'm so sorry to hear about the distressing situation you experienced. It's definitely not easy to cope with the aftermath of such an unsatisfactory online relationship that had no solid foundation but with expectations and promises.

It is concerning that the individual you were chatting with seemed to be juggling you and his girlfriend at the same time. It is understandable that you're feeling confused and upset over the idea that he would only consider your worth as a medium to avoid potential suicide, which seems to be mildly insensitive.

It sounds like you know how to take care of and value yourself as a person, and it's great that you've taken steps to block him from contact. You do not need anyone's pity, and you deserve someone who will respect, value, and care for you in a genuine and sincere manner.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and situation. If you ever want someone to talk to or need support during this period, I'm here for you.


01:41 Mar 14 2023
Times Read: 238

I threw away all my high school pictures today. I had the biggest crush on a guy named cj. I remember asking him out and him rejecting me. I invited him to every time my "friends" and I would hang out. The day of graduation he called me annoying and he wouldn't date me if I was the last woman on Earth. There were dozens of pictures of him and I that I had taken over 3 years. I had always considered him a friend even though I had a crush on him. I haven't heard from him in 20 years now. I don't think he would even recognize me after all this time. I thought about looking him up to see if I could find him on social media. But I think I'll just leave him in the past. Looking back, he was never nice to me. Even let me walk home in the pouring rain while he gave my other "friends" a ride home one day.




00:47 Mar 13 2023
Times Read: 261

I have 40 lbs left to lose before I can start being comfortable with my weight. It has been a hell of a long diet plan. But slowly, I am getting there. When I was younger I thought I was extremely fat. Everyone in my life made fun of the stretch marks I had on my hips and legs. Truth was I severely malnurtioned the stretch marks was from a genetic disease. I didn't weigh a hundred pounds until I was a sophomore in high school. There were days I didn't eat because there was no food or I couldn't afford to eat. By the time I graduated from high school I weighed 110lbs. My upper thighs used to cause me grief. I wanted to take a knife and carve away all the fat so it matched the calf muscles. Over the years my weight has been a constant struggle. People realized it was a topic I hated to talk about and used that against me. For the first time in my life I am trying to lose weight the healthy way. I think it will be my self esteem a little bit more. For once in my life I might view myself as pretty.



03:14 Mar 13 2023

Your story sounds a lot like mine when it came to hating my body and looks. You always have others judging you for what they perceived as flaws, or below their own standards. In reality, people will always find something wrong with others, it's just a reflection of the flaws they see or hates within themselves.

Do what makes YOU happy and healthy.


05:36 Mar 12 2023
Times Read: 284

Words. It's all just words. There is nothing real about them, it's the meaning behind them that makes them important. My words are my confessions. My mistakes. My regrets.

I really hate him. I know he still feels some joy over destroying me and my loved ones. Ha ha on lockedinamber. He is still alive and making my life so difficult. I can't lash out at him, I can't make him pay for what he has done. He gets to live in his perfect life. The very thought of him feels me with disgust.

This online "relationship " is not going to last. The distance is too much. I've been alone for most of my life and relied on only myself, now it just doesn't make sense to keep the "relationship" going. Might have had a different ending if he didn't live 18 hours away. Besides I can't tell him I love him and mean it. Because I let the fucker who willingly hurt me come over and basically have his fun with me at any given time so I can protect my 2 hearts. I'm a horrible person doing what I have to do in order to keep my 2 hearts close to me. I wish the fucker would have a heart attack and die. I wish he could get his karma back tripled. But wishes are for the rich.



21:22 Mar 12 2023

I understand that words can hold a lot of meaning, and it sounds like these particular words are connected to some deep emotions of anger, disgust, and regret. It sounds like you have been through a lot, and the situation with this person has been causing you a lot of distress.

It can be challenging to navigate complex relationships, especially when distance is involved. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to keep your hearts close while also trying to protect yourself from pain. It's important to prioritize your own emotional wellbeing and make choices that align with your values and desires.

While I can't change the past or take away the pain, I hope that you can find some peace and healing in the present. It's understandable to feel frustrated and angry, but it's important to find healthy outlets for these emotions and to not let them consume you. Remember that you are worthy of love and respect, and that your experiences do not define your worth. I'm here to listen if you ever need someone to talk to.


21:49 Mar 09 2023
Times Read: 308

I've been struggling again. Lost in the depths of my own thoughts. I'm just tired of having to rely on myself all the time. I am tired of being strong and keep pushing forward. When I break down, there is no one here to comfort me. There is no one to help me. Fall ill or accidentally hurt myself? Oh well, still have to take care of everyone, clean the house, run the errands, cook the meals etc. My health took a turn for the worse yet I have no one to help make sure I can keep myself alive. I'm caught on the fence. On one hand I started "dating" someone online. But it doesn't feel real and he lives across the ocean. If something should happen to me would he come running? I doubt it. His words are nice. They keep me from wanting to fling myself off my apartment building. But on the other hand, I can't get past getting so hurt. I can't move on from having my entire world, and soul shattered. I want to, so much but it's a constant reminder not to trust people. Have I finally reached the point where I am too broken to fix? What if by some chance I actually get to meet my "boyfriend" online? Will I be able to feel something real or will it be just another excuse to hide myself away from the world?



10:41 Mar 10 2023

l am sorry to hear that you are
struggling and feeling alone. It's
okay to feel overwhelmed and to
need help sometimes. It can be
challenging to rely solely on
yourself, especially when you are
dealing with health issues. It's
important to prioritize your own
well-being and to ask for help
when you need it. Have you
considered reaching out to
friends or family for support?
You deserve to have a support
system, and there are people
who care about you and want to
help you.
In terms of your online
relationship, it's understandable
that you may have some doubts
and concerns. It's important to
take things slow and get to know
the person well before investing
too much emotionally. You also
need to be clear about your
expectations and what you are
looking for in a relationship. If
you do meet in person, take
precautions for your safety and
make Sure someone knows
where you are.

As for feeling broken, it's
important to remember that
healing is a process, and it's
okay to take as much time as
you need. You are not alone in
feeling this way, and there are
resources and professionals that
can help you work through your
emotions. Don't give up on
yourself, and keep taking steps
towards healing and self-care.

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