People are aways disappointing me, but at least Anthony doesn't. I get to see him tonight! I'm excited to finally see him again. He made my crappy Saturday a lot better.
This is why I don't get my hopes up. Having them dashed so spectacularly hurts. A lot. I'm done trying.
I had a new business offer last night. I get paid to run people's accounts through raids and such on Destiny. Well, I mentioned it in a party last night, and a friend of my friend jumped right on it. Said he has always wanted to get into that business, running recoveries and doing carries, and just needed someone who did it to help him out. He offered to host and build a professional website, I think he said his brother was a graphic artist and he was going to ask him to make some awesome graphics. I honestly only really care about the website. It makes it far easier to advertise what I do if people have a real website to look at. Something with testimonials, prices, what's offered and such. I've wanted to make a website for a while, but I don't have the money for a domain nor the knowledge on how to build one. All the coding and getting the images and all the freaking coding. Mario and Sam mentioned making one for me a few times, but it never panned out. But yeah, of course I'd have to split the money with him, but, it would allow me to have multiple clients. Like, more than the five or so I originally had. I'd be able to take on more orders and make more money. Plus, if I did have a partner, I could rely on him to set up raid groups for me. And, the dude streams on Twitch, so he could bump the website in his stream and get us clients. It sucks that this is happening at the tail end of Destiny, but, if it does come together, we could be up and running when Destiny 2 drops. People always want the things without having to put the work in to get them. I don't mind doing recoveries and carries because, unlike a lot of people, I actually enjoy playing Destiny. I always have since the moment I started the beta. Hopefully Destiny 2 will have the same things, multi-step quests for weapons and raids. Otherwise, what will I do? Trials? Fuck that shit.
I get to see Anthony on Saturday! I don't exactly know what we'll be doing, but honestly, I don't even give a shit. As long as I get to see him in person, get to be next to him, I'm down for whatever. I can't wait!
Also, may have leads on a new job, which would be so freaking perfect. The place one of my cousins works at is hiring and she said she'll recommend me. It's not ideal, but hey, at this point I don't even care. To get some real cash coming in is really all I need. I can't play Destiny for $60 a raid run forever. That's not going to get me very far in life. And, phlebotomy, while I really love it and will make that training worth something, for now I'll work whatever until I can get a job in the field. I know hospitals always welcome volunteers, so maybe I can do that and get some much needed job training.
Happy birthday, my friend.
I miss you immensely.
Fuck. Why do I have to be so freaking insecure? I'm so afraid I'm ruining this before it even has a real chance to become anything. I need to get over my issues and trust him when he says things. And I have to stop messaging first. I really have to stop doing that. I am coming off as horribly desperate. And if I can see that, I know Anthony sure as hell can.
Been playing around on the new and improved VR, and I just gotta say, I LOVE it. The fact that it is now so mobile friendly is a definite plus for me. And the new layout is easy to navigate. I love the collapsible forum sections. Man, I cannot wait for this to be implemented into VR proper. Cancer, you always go above and beyond in making this place amazing.
He's got strep throat, which means I won't be able to see him for about a week, at least. Stupid strep throat. I just want to see him again. And he says he wants to see me, too. I finally meet a great guy who actually lives near me and I can see, and yet getting around to actually seeing each other is proving quite problematic. It's one thing or another. I just want to hear his voice again, feel his arms around me, his warmth, smell his scent, see that adorable smile. It's annoying.
Out of all the gifts given to Kevin and Liz yesterday, I think my aunt Stacy won the baby shower. She gave them a shadowbox filled with a blanket my Nana had been knitting, one of her knitting needles and a gilded "N" pinned in the middle to hang in the baby's room. When Liz opened it she started crying, then I started crying. I even think Kevin cried a little. It was emotional. I'm a little jealous, not going to even lie about that. They get something that belonged to Nana. I mean, I have two blankets she's knitted for me, and an unfinished renaissance style dress she stated for me years ago that I could finish, but, I don't know. Irrational jealousy, I suppose. I'm glad that they got it though, something so personal.
Liz and Kevin's baby shower was a success. It's such a relief to be done with it, no more planning and buying things and working on decorations. It turned out really lovely, the decorations Rose made looked so good, and the colorscheme was so pretty when it was all put together. That little boy is set when he finally comes into the world. And, I'm holding my brother and sister-in-law to this, they said if they have a daughter they're naming her Leia. So, little Luke and Leia. I fangirled so hard over that. That boy is going to have to love Star Wars, his aunt Nicole is giving him no choice on the matter.
In other news, I was hoping I'd be able to see Anthony tonight, but he's gotten himself sick, so that sucks. I'm hoping he feels better soon, he said he completely lost his voice. I've been there, it's no fun.
I'll take that wake up call... So, I thought I had done something or said something wrong to have Anthony just abruptly stop talking to me. Turns out he had been arrested for beating the shit out of someone. I don't know if I should be worried or in awe or a little of both, because this is someone I want to maybe date, but yeah... It's a relief. And he called me. Mister I-Don't-Ever-Talk-on-the-Phone-Unless-I-Have-To-for-Work. I went to bed insanely early for me, about 11 and he called around 1:15. The second I saw his picture on the screen I was up. It was nice to hear his voice. God. I fucking hate how he makes me feel this way in such a short amount of time.
I'm an idiot.
He misses me.
That makes me seriously giddy. This person who is so funny, so sweet, so fun to be around, misses me. Me. Of all people, it's me. I've dealt with a lot of terrible things this year, but meeting him, meeting Anthony, has been the one radiating positive in my life. He's like the silver lining on all these grey clouds. And he misses me. I feel like I don't deserve the happiness he brings me, but I'll be damned if I give it up without a fight.
I've been dealing with a lot this year. The death of cats I've had for over a decade, the death of a much beloved grandmother I was insanely close with, the death of a cousin. So, if I am coming off as a bitch to any of you, you'll have to forgive me. I'm beyind my breaking point right now, and I'm barely holding it all together.
However, I'm not going to put up with bullshit. If I say I don't want to talk, that should be more than enough for you to leave me the fuck alone. It isn't an invitation to say shit like you're going to end your life, or for you to take out whatever fucking issues you have on me because I don't want to respond to text messages. Because I won't deal with it. I shouldn't have to. Considering all that I have had to deal with, you could just do as I ask. You could have just let me be for the night. But you didn't and that makes me the bad guy. So, fine. Whatever. I don't care. I can't care at this point. I tried to be your friend, but I don't think that is a possibility anymore.
It really couldn't wait until Thursday... We had to take him in today for his big sleep. Mister Mongo left us at 5:09. He was so tired, so now he can sleep. No more suffering, no more pain. He can be with Ishtar and Aphrodite again.
Seems the year isn't done taking things from me. On Thursday, our boy Mongo will be going in for his big sleep. He is Ishtar's brother, and we had him for nearly 12 years. But, he has diabetes and I'm pretty sure he has cancer. And he can't walk properly, I think it's really bad arthritis in his back legs or a symptom of the diabetes. No idea. And, he's tired. You can see it in his eyes. He's so tired. He's lost over half his body weight in about a year, and all he does now is sleep. He eats very little when he does eat. So... I think it's time. He had a good life with us, spoiled as can be by my father. And there will never be another animal like Mongo. He's unique.
I had a crappy day, there's no denying that. But, the ending to it made it pretty damn amazing. I went out with Anthony tonight. We went and saw the Power Rangers, which was actually kind of really good. And then we talked for hours. Talked and maybe made out just a little. But we mostly talked. He is awesome. Just so damn awesome. We have so much in common. And, not gonna lie, he's pretty to look at. But, mostly, he's just amazing. He's sweet and funny and was totally the gentleman and paid for my ticket even though I had my own money and I was the one who invited him out to the movies in the first place. I really like him. And, he said we were going to see each other again and I had no choice in the matter. He's cute.
It was what I needed, if I'm being completely honest here. I hadn't been out with someone in so long, and with everything that's been going on this year, I needed to get out with someone who wasn't a family member. Anthony was/is a much needed distraction from my life.
Now, sleep. Because it's Easter and I have family stuff to do in a few hours.
I got through it. And I only really broke down once, so progress I guess. It's the worst experience in the world though, unlike a funeral which is a lot of ceremonial ritual, this was just her, there, in a box, in a room with all of us. The funeral parlor people were super nice and accommodating, which was good. I'm just so tired of losing people I love. My aunts and mom keep telling me I need to go and pick out a piece of my Nana's jewelry for myself. Since I'm the oldest granddaughter I get first pick, then Brenna, Liz, and Alex. I don't want any of her jewelry. She gave me a necklace some years ago, the N I used to always wear around my neck. That little charm on the silver chain means more to me than any of her pearls ever would. Because it was part of her, an "N" for Norma and Nicole.
Tomorrow is going to be horrible. Just horrible. I don't want to see her, just an empty shell, lying there... I don't know if I can actually do it. Today has been bad, a lot of crying. I've been helping with the insurance stuff, because my aunt Sue isn't doing so great health wise, and it's all a huge mess. The Life insurance won't pay out because my grandmother hadn't had the policy for two years, they think she lied when she put in for it, like she knew she had the cancer in 2015. If that were the fucking case, why wait a year and a half to start getting fucking treatment for it? Why let it slowly eat away at her insides, killing her? What kind of fucking logic is that? Yeah... I get it. They want to cover their bases, but if you go through her medical records and such, you can see that she clearly had no goddamn idea she had cancer back in 2015. And then my aunt Stacy is making a fuss about a pension my grandmother had, refusing to give the funeral home the contact info so that they might be able to discuss paying out the 3 grand for the cremation and everything. As it stands, she won't be cremated until May, since we don't have the cash for it. It's a fucking fiasco.
I'm tired. And I am emotionally drained. This year has taken so much from me, so much out of me, and we're only four months in. I just want it all to be over.
I've been talking with someone this last week or so. He wants to take me out, but with everything that's been going on, he understands why I haven't taken him up on the offer yet. I don't even know how to date anymore, I haven't really gone out with someone since, god, Nick? I want to say Nick. We seem to have a lot in common, and he lives like, five miles away, if even that. I just... I don't know. He's nice though. So freaking nice, always asking how I'm holding up and dealing with things. We'll see how Saturday goes, and then Easter. If I can hold it together and make it through the weekend, I'll accept his invite for dinner and the arcade.
Things are slowly, so slowly, getting to be okay with me again. My aunts came over yesterday, and we talked for a little bit. I think I needed that. Just to sit down and talk about things with someone. The viewing is on Saturday, since she's being cremated and there will be no funeral. I think I'll need to actually see her, in that kind of finality for it to really sink in. And I need to say goodbye. This hurts, it will always hurt and I will always miss her, but I'll be okay. I really think I had my family worried, and I never wanted to do that. They've been texting me and messaging me on Facebook, just checking up on me, telling me they love me. I feel horrible for that... But, like I told them, and I said above, I'll be okay. It will just take me a bit.
I hate how everyone can just be so fine with things. Smiling and laughing and drinking and talking about the babyshower and all this other shit, and I'm just here, breaking the fuck down.
And just like that... February I lost Ishtar. March I lost Aphrodite. Now April... I lost my grandmother. She passed away early this morning around 1:30. I hate myself. I hadn't seen her since last weekend. I should have gone with my mom when she was still at the hospital at any time during the week. But I didn't. Because I'm the worst. I never got to say goodbye.
I am so very sorry for your loss, Immy. My thoughts and prayers are with you right now.
Sorry for your loss.
I am sorry to hear she has past. I know (or read about) you was very close to her. I know how it is to not be able to say those 'goodbyes' to those you love. All i can say to that is.... light a candle in her honor, and let the candle send your words to her for you. I read about how some do that in some sites I visit.
Anyways, I am very sorry for your loss.
You are not "the worst". Don't talk like that. ...I am so sorry for your loss, sweetheart. If there is anything, anything at all I can do, please don't hesitate to ask.
I got caught up in the idea of having two little four week old kittens running around the house. I've forgotten how much of a hassle it can be sometimes. Little Harley and Quinn sleep in the large pet carrier in my bedroom. They have a little basket downstairs that they spend the day in, but it's too easy for them to climb out of it, so I put them in the carrier so they don't get hurt or wander into a dangerous space while everyone is asleep. They do pretty well in there. They have a soft blanket, a little bowl of water, and a little teddy bear they cuddle up with. And they sleep for a bit. Then something wakes them up and I hear their little cries, like tonight. Here we are, a quarter past three in the morning, and they've decided it's time to play and run around. I can deal with the feeding them every four or five hours thing, that's no big deal, but when they want to play in the middle of the night when I'd rather get some sleep, that kills me. I hate having to lock them in the carrier and hear them meow at me. They will quiet down eventually, curl up together and go back to sleep, but for that short while where I have to lay here and listen to them cry... I want to go and open the door and let them run around and sleep with me on my bed, but I know I can't. It's just somewhat heartbreaking to listen to. I want to go cuddle them.
4 weeks old? isn't that a bit young for them to be away from there mom?
Yeah, but seeing as they were dropped off at an animal shelter just a few days old with their two other sisters and without their mom, what can you do? I would never take an animal from it's mother at such a young age.
ahhh, i see. yeah, sad that people don't realize that when they drop off kittens at that age.
Names for the kittens! The boy is Harley and the girl is Quinn.
Well... Mario and Sam said they would chip in and get me a PS4. I'm just floored by how amazing those two are. They honestly are a few of the best people I've had the pleasure of knowing. I don't deserve such awesome people as my friends. They are the absolute best.
Today has been just full of awesomeness. Look, I got my two new kittens!
And just like that, I may be in with that group. The guy I've been talking to said he'd see if I could join them, since, like I said before, I am used to the kind of work they do. I actually have to run Mario's account at some point today... But, yeah, that took considerably less time than I thought it would. It would mean I'd have to get a PS4, though. Since they run both systems, and it would be advantageous for me to do so as well. And, if I did, I'd get those sweet, sweet Destiny Playstation exclusives and max grimoire. That alone sells me on it.
And sick. Again. I feel like utter crap.
I made some new friends tonight. I was looking for a group to run Vault of Glass in Destiny with, when they found me on LFG. A group of people who get paid to do raids and the like for other people. I was on common ground with them since Mario pays me to do stuff for him all the time. It was actually pretty awesome to run with those guys, since they knew what they were doing and it didn't take hours and hours, like a normal LFG group can. Plus, I may be able to get in with them when Destiny 2 drops, and make playing video games a job. It's no Rooster Teeth, but if I can get paid to play Destiny or Destiny 2, I'm totally down for that.
I suck at conversation. And I get sidetracked far too easily. I'll be talking to someone, then have my attention shift to something else, and I'll forget about the fact that I was talking to someone. I'm horrible with that. Plus, I can't keep a conversation going to save my life. I need better social skills.
Getting to know people has never been something I've really concerned myself with. There are very few people I can tolerate. But, I do have to say, on occasions, phone calls with new friends are nice. Putting a voice to a face,hearing responses as they come as opposed to reading composed messages. It's a rare little slice of happiness.
I was at the hospital until one this morning. My grandmother is the same, I was there because her idiot husband came back from Arizona to live with my aunt Stacy. He's diabetic, but like, the absolute worst at taking care off himself, so he has been losing consciousness all over the place since he doesn't watch his blood sugar. Anyway... He left his insulin in Arizona. So, when he got here his levels were all over the board. My aunt had to take him to the emergency room, the same hospital my grandmother in. Me, my mom, and my aunt Sue were there until 1. I have no idea how long my aunt Stacy had to stay, if they admitted Dave, or if he got to go to the house. Guess I'll find out today. I'm tired of this. And my grandmother keeps saying she wants to die... I don't know how to handle things anymore.
She's going back on the respirator as she's having trouble breathing... I'll be heading back to the hospital with my mom and aunts later tonight. I think it's time we all accept that she may not ever go back home...
Back at the hospital. My grandmother is doing considerably better. They'll be taking the tube out of her throat soon, since she's been breathing on her own for the last three or so hours. I'm so glad things are going better, that she's getting better. This whole ordeal is so nerve wracking at times. She has great days, then she crashes so hard like she did Tuesday. I will say that I'm so tired of this hospital. They are so nice, I just hate being here.
I've been watching The Walking Dead in my downtime. You know, I don't think I really gave it a chance the first time I saw it, because while I'm only into season two, I'm actually enjoying it so far. It started off a little dull for me, and maybe that's where I lost interest, but now, now I'm beginning to see why it's so popular.
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