Tonight with him was just... Pretty fantastic. It was something new, something nice.
There are some things that should only ever be said (for the first time, at least) when you're face-to-face with the person you want to say them to. I've held back on a lot of the things I do want to actually say to him, waiting until we actually do get to be there together in person. Soon hopefully. And if he can't get out here before then, October isn't that far off I guess.
I miss him quite terribly...
Who's getting backwards compatibility on their One before the majority of the public? This gal! Someone invited me into the Preview Dashboard program thing and I get to test shit out before it hits public release. Backwards compatibility is one of the things I get to play with. It's gonna be fun!
So, after 24 hours of nothing from him, I finally got a response via Xbox LIVE. I'm just glad things were figured out. I was seriously freaking out thinking I'd inadvertently done something horrible. But, no, it was nothing like that.
I just... I don't even know what I did wrong...
The silence hurts. It hurts far more than any words possibly could.
It's times like these when I wish he lived closer. Sure, it's only a four and a half hour drive that separates us, but right at this moment it feels like a million miles.
It was weird, I woke up early this morning all disoriented and not knowing where I was. And for the briefest moment, I expected to find him sleeping next to me. I reached out for someone I quickly realized was never there to begin with.
"You made me watch Firefly and Red vs. Blue. Now it's your turn to watch Friends."
I'm just... So excited for this. Yay. But, if it makes him happy, I'll try to enjoy it.
It's a strange turn of events when I'm the one who's telling him to open up and talk to me. When I'm the one asking him not to shut me out when he's upset.
And just like always, promises turn out to be hollow, empty words spoken to placate for the moment. Nothing more. Silly me for believing those words.
We watched The Best of Me tonight. I don't know why he always makes me watch the depressing romance movies. First The Notebook, now this. I shudder to think what's coming next. But, the film was good, the ending was a bit predictable, but it was still good. He fell asleep, like he always does, 3/4 of the way through, that boy can't hang with me and these "late" nights. He's adorable when he's sleeping. I just have to throw that out there. Absolutely adorable.
That moment where you are fairly certain you've made the right decision, only to be sent a message that throws off all your reasoning. Things shouldn't be this difficult.
Ever since I started talking to him, things have seemed to just get better in my life. I'm making positive changes, because I don't want to run back to who I've been for so long. The fact that I'm happier is noticeable to everyone who knows me. It's just... It's so nice to have a reason to smile, to get up each day. I've been going to the gym a lot more, working on getting into better shape, since he's always active. I want to be able to keep up with him. He's still sure he'll be able to get out here within the next few weeks, it's all about getting a ride, since presently he doesn't drive. So, I'm hoping that pans out soon. I'm so eager to actually meet face to face, to actually see that smile in person, hear his laugh when he's right next to me. I don't know. It's stupid to put all your happiness into a single person, but I can't help it. And, when things get sorted out here with my family and I know just what it is that's going to happen, I can start working on other aspects of my life that need seeing to. I'm happy. I'm not where I was just a month ago. And that is a wonderful thing.
He made me watch The Notebook with him today. I had always found it funny that every guy I'd talk to had seen the film when I, the target demographic, had not. Nor had I any real desire to see it. But, people have thrown scenes and snippets of the story at me for years now, and I guess I finally get what they had all been saying.
I can't be happy without causing someone pain. I am a horrible person. The absolute worst
In all the times someone has said they would show up on my doorstep, only he has ever done it. My Faythsdream, my Dan. And, god, seeing him, actually standing before me, after a year and a half of not knowing what had happened to him... That was some kind of amazing. I'm not going to lie. And it's brought back so many feelings I thought had died out a long time ago. I can still feel his touch on my skin, smell him on my clothes...
Everything has become so complicated now. I told Chris about tonight, and he is rightfully pissed off with me. But I couldn't lie and I couldn't keep it secret. I don't know if he'll forgive me, if our relationship is over. He says he needs time and I can do nothing but give that to him. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle this situation.
I'm going to see about trading in my 360 and a few games I'll never play. I want to put some cash towards Elder Scrolls and since they'll be making the One backwards compatible with 360 games, there's no need to actually have the 360 consol anymore. Same with my Halo games, since I have the Master Chief Collection. The only two I'll actually keep are ODST and Reach. So yeah, my 360 is only worth about $20, Destiny is worth about $12, and the wireless thing for my 360 is worth about $10. So hopefully I'll get a nice amount to put towards the game.
It's one of those things where not every minute has to be filled with talking. The silences are peaceful and welcoming. Moments where words don't need to be spoken, where we can just enjoy the other's company without trying to think of something to say.
Being open and talking about how I feel has never been easy for me. Especially with the people I like/am involved with. But he and I decided that if we wanted to make us happen, we have to be. We should talk about how were feeling, if something is making us upset or happy or whatever. So, I'm trying. Granted, I kind of suck at it. I tend to lash out when I feel slighted, or hurt, and I've done it a few times with him already. But, I'm working on it. And I'm actually glad we went this route. It's getting somewhat easier to tell him the things that bother me. To discuss the issues and come to a reasonable solution. Like today. Today was perfect after the hitch in the morning where, typical me lashed out at him over something stupid. But, we worked passed it and the solution was perfect.
Distance is hard to handle for me. I like feeling the person next to me, seeing their face, looking into their eyes, actually being in the same room with them. But, that's not a possibility right now. So this is what we have, and it's not easy. But I'm really trying. And so is he. We'll have our setbacks (where I'll likely be at fault because I'm me), but we'll work through it, like we did today. And we'll make it work. And every day I'll try my best to keep things from getting to me, to keep from trying to push him away, to keep myself from seeing every little thing as a personal slight.
It's irrational to be jealous of a game, but I am kind of jealous of Elder Scrolls right now. Because it's stealing all his time, as those games tend to do. And I've got to be content with the few hours I do get to spend with him...
I'm going to send him my copies of American Gods, and Coraline. Because he loves to read and I want him to experience two of my favorite books. He had started reading American Gods but I think the first chapter where Shadow is in prison hit a little too close to home due to his own past. And after I said I was going to send them he was all, "good, then I'll have your address so I can surprise you with a game." He's silly.
The only issue I have with all of this is that right now it is all just online. We only get to "hang out" on Destiny or when watching shows on Netflix, and in party chats. And it's hard that this is all we have when both of us want more. But, I'm hopeful that things will go the way they ought to and that he can come out here within the next few months.
He told me tonight, that if he lived closer he'd have already asked me out. That he wants me in his life. That made me happy. Just so, so happy. When we meet, which we will, and we decide to start something, he wants to pull visits every weekend. Since I can't move out there or he here, that's the best we could do until things were in a place to have one of us move closer.
I wish I hadn't alienated half the people I have here over the years. I want help, but I have no one to ask.
I'm so afraid that I'm going to chase him away, and yet, he's sticking around. I can't even put into words how that makes me feel. It's a wonderful kind of happiness.
Maybe it's just best that I walk away before anyone becomes too invested in this. I don't know how to be in a relationship. I don't know how to love someone. I can't even love myself. I don't know how to be anything other than what I am. And it's just not fair to make someone deal with me.
I'm fucking it up. Majorly.
I think the problem I've had a lot recently since breaking up with Brannan, was that I rushed into relationships with people online. People I never met in person first. Because, honestly, I was scared to be alone. This thing I have with him, what we're building, isn't being rushed. The foundation is being set so that when we do meet in person (next month, God willing) things will be established. We'll have the groundwork done so that we can build off of that. So that if a relationship is what we both want, we can work to make it happen. It won't be easy, distance is never easy, but if we do it this way, I think that we have a real chance of making it. I think we could work, and so does he.
I'm so thankful he doesn't scare easy. Because when it comes to this, trying to build something from the ground up, I'm not the best and I say and do things I don't mean but can't be taken back. But it seems like he wants this just as much as I do and is willing to look past my stupid blunders. He's too good to me, I swear. I'm not used to having someone like that in my life. It's been too long.
Words are empty and meaningless when your actions do the opposite of what you say. I can't trust words anymore. I can't put my faith into promises that are so easily broken.
It's a simple thing, a smile. But, I'm glad I have a reason to smile again. After so much pain and so many tears, it's so wonderful to just feel... Happy. To feel content.
I've got Enlightenment back and all set up again. It's so easy when I just have everything saved in my Mentorships. I'm not expecting to garner interest, nor am I looking to actually go around and induct members. For now it's just for me. My sanctuary.
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