I have to stop saying the stupid things I say to him when I feel hurt. I'm going to ruin this before it even has the opportunity to become anything more than what it is.
Today, before I left work, I felt completely, and utterly disrespected. I have a God awful temper. I mean, when someone asks for it...then, I have no problem giving it haha. But recently, along with this afternoon at work, I've learned that it speaks volumes if you're able to just walk away and think things out before speaking. Had I spoken instead of just walking away quietly I would have said or done something to jeopardize my job. Luckily, they could tell how angry I was by the energy I was giving off and came to apologize immediately, but yeah, had I opened my mouth instead of thinking, I wouldn't have gotten that apology and I would have gotten into trouble. I don't know. I'm rambling, just saying it helped me tons just to keep quiet.
He told me that he might be able to come out here at the end of next month. I'm not going to get my hopes up. Nothing is set in stone, and even if it were, something could always happen... But if it does happen, well, that would be just fantastic. Just absolutely fantastic. I really want it to happen.
My brother finally got into the LA Sheriffs Academy. It's been a long process and we just found out today. I'm happy for him, as being a cop is his dream, but I also kind of hate that he actually got the job. He and Liz will be moving out to Downtown LA now, which means we have to move. And now my parents are talking about leaving state entirely. Texas or Georgia or so place equally not here. I don't know.
I'm not looking to hop into a new relationship so soon after Jerry... But if I were, he'd be who I choose. I enjoy his company. I love his smile and his laugh. I can't help but smile when he calls me his little pet name. The distance between us isn't so great that it can't be overcome, he's only about five hours away in Arizona. He'll actually be out here later this year, and when he is, I'm going to do everything in my power to see him. He makes me feel comfortable. And I want to see where this goes. Taking it slow is something I've never been one to do; I like doing things fast, and I'm so quick to fall, which is why I wind up in the situations I do so often. But with him, seeing as neither of us are quite in the right place to start something serious, what we do have is enough. Talking all the time, watching shows on Netflix, Destiny... It's all enough for me. It's more than I could ask for, honestly. It's sweet and it's innocent and I'm enjoying every minute of it.
Fuck! Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I am an idiot.
You know what? I'm not going to lie, that fucking hurt.
The best part of my day is when I get to watch Daredevil on Netflix with him before bed. I love that he's the first person I talk to in the morning and the last person I talk to at night. I've forgotten how nice it can be, just to be in the company of someone who doesn't have to sneak around, who doesn't have to hide me.
I haven't been keeping up with your writing but you should never have to be hidden. You're beautiful and deserve to be flaunted if anything. :P
read the entry before this... briefly.
i had make break as well, had to...
sometimes a circle of friends/or VR just becomes too much.
as for hiding... ? Rose is right.
nothing to hide.
yeah, yeah... it was an excellent show tho.
I'm going to take a bit of a break from here, and the internet in general. I just... Well after recent events, and what's happening tomorrow, I just need time away from everything. I need to clear my head and figure out my next step. So, I apologize, but I need this. I really need it. I need to reevaluate a lot of things in my life.
It's nice, having someone to text, to talk to throughout the day. I haven't really been able to just talk to someone like this in months. It makes the days and nights feel less empty. Having someone there who cares, who enjoys the conversation, I've missed this.
We are not who we claim to be...
That awkward moment when someone in your clan attempts to set you up with someone else in your clan... Yeah... Something about both of us looking for the same thing. I think it's time to find a new clan to play with...
Being able to confide in someone, to just talk to someone and have them tell you what you need to hear, without passing judgement... I needed that. I haven't had that in such a long time, and it feels good. Just to tell someone how I feel, just to be able to talk to another person who actually cares, who has no hidden agenda... I am so thankful for this new friendship.
So... Can I just stop feeling now? That would be great. Just turn these damn emotions off for good. It hurts too much...
I can't win. I can't ever win. Not with this...
It's been over a year, but now I think it's time to walk away. I've done what I can, I'm no longer needed. I don't feel like I am, anyway. And that's the thing that gets me.
I went and saw the new Avengers movie today. I do believe Joss Whedon was made to make comic book films. I enjoyed it more than I did the first one.
Funny, how when people think I'm talking about drama here they flock to my journal. You only caught the first snippet of my last entry where I mention feeling like an "Internet troll" about something and certain people who claim to be "above the drama" came rushing in to look. Yeah, that Last 10 feature is pretty nice in seeing people for what they really are. Meh. Trust me when I say that your petty squabbles don't interest me in the least. I don't care who's calling who what or rating ones or any of it. If it's outside of my duties as Dominar or not involving my small circle of acquaintances, I honestly don't give a fuck.
In other news, Xbox LIVE went back up only to promptly be pulled down again. Now, when I actually want to play Neverwinter with some friends, I can't.
I think it's the troll in me, but I find a small satisfaction in seeing people bitch, moan, and whine about aspects of Xbox LIVE being down. "Oh whaa! I can't play Destiny and dominate in Iron Banner with my friends! I'm switching to PlayStation!" Yeah, because Sony never has issues with their networks going down...
It's just funny. A lot of the complaints are because Iron Banner is back in Destiny. Man, if you can't survive on your own in Iron Banner, you probably shouldn't be playing it. Making your friends carry your sorry ass is just pathetic. I'm kind of glad I can't see my friends list, now I can focus on my game without being constantly bombarded with invites. It's a nice moment of peace where I don't have to appear offline to avoid people.
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