How I long for the days when I was numb, when it took self mutilation to make me feel. If I could just go back to that, that emptiness, that nothing. That numbness...
Shitty news, I talked to my Vampyre tonight. He and his ex had to evacuate due to the Bobcat fire, and he's pretty sure their home isn't going to make it, if it's not already gone. Thankfully they're safe, staying at a friend's house while they figure out what to do next. I feel so awful and it's given me some real perspective about my own problems. The things I'm dealing with are no comparison to losing your home and all your belongings that couldn't fit into a car. I'm just glad they're both safe.
I don't know how to feel anymore.
It's been a horribly long day and I would have given anything to just talk to him like I've gotten so used to doing. But, I'm an idiot who ruins all the good things in her life, so now I don't even have that. It's less everything else, but the loss of my friend hurts more the second time around.
I don't know why it hurts so much, but it does. It feels like complete and utter rejection. The funny thing is, it isn't. But it's having the same effect on me. I dont know what I expected, but it was clearly more than I should have. That will always be my downfall, my expectations. I build things up so much in my head that when reality fails to meet up to that mental image, I'm devistated. The thing is, reality can never meet it. One would think I'd learn, but I never do. And that pain...it's inevitable.
Spring break. I just have to tell myself that spring break isn't that far off. We've gone this long, what's seven more months?
...A lifetime... It feels like a lifetime.
Well, looks like we won't be moving anytime soon. My mom talked to Kevin and he told her that he can't transfer to another department until he's been out on patrol for at least a year. He won't be able to get into a department that will put him on patrol until around April. And, due to the severity of the fires the whole of the west coast has been dealing with, he's not so fond of Washington anymore. It'll probably be New Hampshire instead. So, that throws everything off. I mean, it's probably better to have the time to get everything settled, to get enough money saved up, but at least another year here... I am not looking forward to that. And, my dad is supposed to be moving back here by the end of the year. New Hampshire wouldn't be a bad place to go to though, it's beautiful up there. And it's close to Massachusetts, so I could go to Salem. Maybe I should look into going to school for nursing since I'm going to be stuck here for a while anyway.
California is just enveloped in smoke. Everywhere I went today, smoke, ash raining down, the smell of things burning.
This was Encino at 2:30 in the afternoon. It wasn't overcast, that's just smoke.
And this was on my drive home along the 210 through Monrovia, you can see the flames now.
I remember one year here in Washington, fire season was as bad as yours is right now. The ash in the air was thick, smoke everywhere. It was like an eternal bbq daily. Working in the pharmacy, we gave out masks for he elderly since it was too difficult to breathe. We could not keep inhalers or nebulizers stocked back then. It was horrible. There were fire crews who were just beyond exhausted. You could see it in their eyes, that they pretty much had lost their humanity fighting the fires. That was just awful back then. Seeing how it is there, took me back.
It feels so good to be back to work this morning, even if I didn't get much sleep... I need to be working or I feel like a useless piece of shit. I need to be out and about, being productive. I spent too much of my six days off doing absolutely nothing. I don't know how people are okay with doing that day in and day out, always.
I really hate that fucking profile. The Nazi iconography and the glorification of a "race" of people who wanted to wipe out whole groups of people just because they perceived themselves as the best is utterly disgusting.
I am with you on that. I am surprised it is even allowed on here?
It's not against ToS to post up swastikas on your pfiile. It should be, but it isn't.
As someone of Jewish descent, I just find it abhorrent that people want to glorify that shit. And, the owner of said profile knows better, she's not stupid or ignorant.
His supporting a coward. Which makes him a coward..
The owner of that profile isn't male, despite what the profile itself says.
Whoever is supporting her profile and her ideas are cowards.
Whoever is giving her 10's and supporting her are cowards racists and terrible people.
I agree with all of the above.
What the nazis did was horrific people ought to know any glorification is unacceptable. I puke on the swastika always. And forever and weep for the Jewish people. I agree with you.
With is all going on in this world.......😢this profile is horrible.
Can I tell you how happy that made me? Even if the conversation was short, it was still amazing. I haven't heard that voice in over 7 years, but it's just as I remembered it. The smile, oh if only you could see how much I was smiling the whole time.
The air is so full of smoke from the El Dorado fire that everything has been tinted this muddy orange from what sunlight can break through. It looks like the apocalypse. Gotta love wildfire season in California. I'm thankful I'm not working until Thursday because the air quality is horrendous right now.
Reconnecting with old friends made me realize that this world is just too big, there's always so much distance. It's rather unfair of fate to throw amazing people into my life and then make it so they live 2200 miles away...
It feels like things are getting back to normal with us. We can laugh and joke and share memories. I really missed this, I missed my best friend.
I watched the new Mulan with my mom tonight. I didn't mind the premium price tag Disney put on it, because I let my brother and sister-in-law have access to my Disney+ account for Lucas, so I know they'll get to enjoy it as well. Anyway, I really liked it. No, it's not the same as the animated version, it's missing Mushu and all the amazing songs, but I still really enjoyed it. It was darker and more action-packed than the original, and the actress who plays Mulan, Liu Yifei, was really good. I recommend giving it a watch.
I talked to Matthew on the phone for the first time in a while. I missed him. Despite it all, we've been through so much together that I'm not exactly keen on letting things go the way they were going. He means the world to me, he always has. 14 years, that's a hell of a long time. I don't know if I got through to him, I don't know if he understands why I took the actions I took, but I explained myself and I listened to what he had to say. I still think he's kind of an idiot for going down the path he did, but he's an adult, he needs to learn from his mistakes. I hope things can be repaired between us. The conversation had some real moments of laughter and reminiscing of better times. I'm going to keep trying, I'm going to keep reaching out and cheering him on from the sidelines. It's all I can really do.
That made me both unbelievably happy and horribly sad at the same time.
It's been a year of ups and downs, but reconnecting with an old friend, that has definitely been one of the high points.
Now, I'm not saying they're a catfish, but, well, there are an awful lot of red flags. And while my advice won't be heeded, just learn who exactly is the person behind that computer screen before you fall too hard. Messages and texts full of pretty words are nice to get, I know, but all I have to say is try video chatting before you give your heart away. It'll save you a lot of pain, wasted time.
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