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MARIUS's Journal



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5 entries this month
 

Marius to Lestat.....

08:21 Apr 09 2006
Times Read: 776


Marius to Lestat



In much the same manner in which I once found so many words carved in stone, I've now come to find your words here, carved in their own way, upon the electronic wires that span this planet. Is this yet another entreaty? You know that I followed you then, leaving you to your own discoveries, adventures, and inevitable mistakes. Not until there was nothing left, did I come to you. But, now? Is this merely reflection, or is it something more?



I offered what I could on that night, uncertain of whether I would do more harm than good, but still I extended the offer, all the same. Tell me, what would you say now, after all that has happened in the centuries that have passed since that long ago evening by the Aegean? Has the knowledge that I imparted been a hindrance or a blessing? Did my words ever haunt you, in those moments when you were fulfilling that prophecy, as you've put it? Did that change really occur, just as I predicted that it would?



Surely you know that you were not the only one changed by that brief encounter. While it's true that you have, at times, infuriated, disappointed, frustrated and even worried me, I have never turned my back on you. My silence may be easily mistaken for coldness, and I'll be the first to admit that at times the two do go hand in hand, but that isn't the reason for it, in this instance. Neither of us are strangers to pride. We've had this discussion before. We are products of our times. And I'm certain these words will strike a chord of familiarity for you. "None of us really changes over time; we only become more fully what we are." How very true.



Tell me of the dream. Tell me of the door, and what lies beyond. Tell me what you would have me know and understand, regardless of what it might be. We were, the both of us, Godless beings with no need for illusions, that much is true. But, is that still so? I've had no great epiphany, no visions of anything more than what I've known my entire existence. The only divinity that I know is in those moments lost beneath the flow of crimson liquid that we both know all too well. Tell me what you see as you stare into that whirlwind.



Speak to me, Lestat. You want to be heard, and I am listening.



As I recall, it was your turn, after all.

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Marius in words, PART IV.....

07:45 Apr 09 2006
Times Read: 796


Disruption,

by Marius



Why can there never be peace? I don't mean in some grand sense. I'm not fool enough to think that the world can be some storybook utopia. I've existed long enough to know the impossibility of that.



I speak now of something completely and utterly selfish. I want peace. I think I even want the silence that I dread so much. Silence might be preferable to sight and sound that only serves to wound.



The house is alive with activity. It seemed a dream, to bring my family together like this, to share in this coastal paradise. Was I a fool? Apparently so.



I could almost believe those words that were said, I could almost believe that she meant it. What I thought to be a new beginning almost seems a cruel joke now, some elaborate plan to punish me for the past.



I've punished myself long enough, and I have no intention of suffering so that she can satisfy some little whim. No. This ends now.



I have told him already that I want her out. I cannot bear to see her now. I cannot bear to hear her voice. If he hasn't the heart to do it, I'll tend to it myself. It won't be the first time I've turned her out, though I certainly never imagined I'd be forced to do it again.



It doesn't please me to do this. I'll be the villain, if I must. My pain has always been mine alone. I expect it will be no different now.


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Marius in words, PART III...

07:42 Apr 09 2006
Times Read: 799


Nearing Tranquility

By Marius



Things seem to be falling back into place. My beloved is home now, back where he belongs. His ability to recover amazes me. Not physically; that is no great mystery to me at this point. But mentally. The scars seem erased already, our existence nearly back to what it once was. I can only hope that this will continue.



I cannot say the same for the perpetrator of the unspeakable act that still lingers in the recesses of my mind. How dare he? What a fool, to think that I would allow him to get away with it. He knows better now, I assure you. Or does he? One cannot be at all certain what he knows, if he indeed knows anything at all, in his present situation. I'm beyond caring now. A man of age, of education, of reason, has no excuse for the things that he did. And so, he remains. More than that, I won't reveal. Not here, not now.



For now, I grasp my fleeting tranquility, for it may be all that I have, in the end. I give way to sometimes crippling emotional bouts, something I cannot tolerate from myself, which causes only further turmoil. I take to my studio more and more frequently, of late. I seek solace in the tools of my madness, my brush and my palette sometimes the only witnesses to these moments. Where others find startling beauty, I see only a mirror of pain.



Can he know what it means to me, that he won't allow me to sink too deeply into myself? He breaks the silence, his gentle voice from beyond the door, calling out to me, telling me to let him be my comfort. I can never resist. The canvas can wait. The flesh and blood angel holds far more sway with me than ever a painted one could. It's to that very same vision of ethereal beauty that I go now. My own private heaven, in the midst of my own private hell.



---



In Memorium, of my friend



Rest in Peace Andrew

The world grows quieter already.


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Marius in words PART II.....

07:39 Apr 09 2006
Times Read: 802


POISON,

By Marius



I know my silence is cause for concern among those who are watching, waiting. So, I take what little rational thought I am left with presently, and place it here for all to see.



For nights now, he's been gone. My Amadeo, my child, my love. Held by one who I still cannot believe would be foolish enough to make such an error in judgement, he waits for me. He knows that I will come for him. Nothing could keep me from it.



Agony. These nights have been filled with far more turmoil than I could ever have imagined. Just when our home was reaching a new level of peace and harmony, this outrage came to pass.



Only recently, our Bianca has joined us here, filling the palazzo with her beauty and warmth. Tears now stain that face which should always be smiling, and I find myself comforting her when I, myself, want to scream. And Daniel. Did that old fool think nothing of that fragile boy who is now more manic than ever? Obviously not.



As for my own feelings, they are what they are. I would cry and worry along with the others, were I not so consumed with this poison that he has ignited within me.



Recall a time, old man, when you thought you had reason to fear me, though you'd never set eyes upon me. Can you recall what you were told? I can.



You live now for only one reason. Think on that.


COMMENTS

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MARIUS in words...PART I

07:36 Apr 09 2006
Times Read: 803


SILENCE, By Marius



Tonight there is silence. Not the usual silence that has been between us since that fateful night. No, this silence is deafening. He is here, but he does not speak. I wish he would scream, yell, do anything. Just not this. I cannot stand this.



I think I know now what he knew all those years ago. This wall cannot be here. Nothing must come between us. He used an ax to make his point. But what shall I use? The only thing powerful enough that I have at my disposal. Love.



Will it be enough?



My love for him is beyond reason, beyond comprehension...even my own. That first morning, as I turned to go, he asked why. "Marius de Romanus, why do you love me?"



I offered what I could, in explanation, then. I still cannot find words to express it. We are connected. Bound by blood, pain, tears, and above all, love. I could not even begin to find reason in it. It almost seems an insult to try. I know only that I love him, as I have no other, as I have not even loved myself.



Is this weakness? Then I am weak. Is this wrong? Then I am a criminal. I must be the most guilty being walking this planet, if that is so. I would have it no other way.



Do you tire of me, my love?



Some nights it seems so. Perhaps this is only within my mind. There is so very much in my mind, I sometimes wonder that I can think at all.



"And what if I never go of my own free will? Will you pitch me from some window so that I must fly or fall? Will you bolt all shutters after me? You had better, because I'll knock and knock and knock until I fall down dead. I'll have no wings that take me away from you."



Do you remember that night? I go back there now, if only in memory. I go back there more frequently than you may know. Is this still true?



I weep as I realize that I am now the one knocking.....



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