I feel loneliness may be the tax I have been paying for the complexity of my mind.
For starters, I have NO idea what I am supposed to do.
I only know what I can do.
Also, I am far too socially obtuse for this world and by the choiced actions of others feel I have nothing of socially acceptable value to offer of it.
*Babbling sequence has been initiated*
"Dude, you're the most interesting and mentally unstable bitch I've come across around here. I'd venture to say that if Pizarnik hadn't taken that big cocktail of pills, she'd definitely be your friend"
I think I like that I was described to be this way. Though, not sure if I should.
I'm a lot of things,
but a liar is not one of them.
While I am not wildy interested in ingratiating myself with anyone,
I am very protective of those to whom I call myself their friend.
Trusting you is my decision,
proving me wrong is your choice.
Don't bother reading to know
if you won't bother applying what's learned.
Knowing is not enough,
you must APPLY the knowledge.
Willing is not enough,
you must DO the work.
We must either do or do not,
there is no "tried".
Meaning we must do with the objective already in mind, not just to see where it goes.
It does NOT mean if we can't accomplish something, to not even try.
Begin with the end in mind,
we must see our target and actualize it.
Believe in ourselves and set our target on the destination.
We must not prematurely commit ourselves to a half measure.
I am in no way perfect, and I never will be.
Perfect is still like ice, I am ever fluid as water.
Sometimes good guys have to do bad things to prevent bad guys from winning.
I may not always be perceived as nice,
but I never fail to be a kind and good person.
How I will take it:
Yes=Yes
No=No
Maybe=No
I don't know=No.
(I know it says I'm male and yet I openly acknowledge and respect that concept, it's almost like I'm not even human.
Socially obtuse me:
INFP
(Introverted when needing peace,
extroverted with those who bring me peace).
Aquarius.
Neurospicy (Divergent).
Overthinker (Magical thinking plagued).
I feel most times I experience thoughts as stars, that I cannot fathom into constellations.
Victim/Survivor/Anti-hero/Advocate.
(I may not always accomplish being nice, but I never fail to be kind. )
(If this must matter)
BIRTHPLACE:
Earth
RACE:
Human
POLITICS:
Freedom
RELIGION:
Love
So, if there is no sincerity behind your words, don't waste them.
~to whomever may be of concern~
Beauty may be internal but, rarely anyone truly takes the time to learn, acknowledge, accept and respect in order to appreciate what's on the inside.
Don’t concern yourself with the end goal; follow your heart and enjoy the journey, because there is always a step you can take, no matter how small you perceive it to be.
I'm not broken, I'm healing. I'm not messed up, I'm a unique individual. We have no right to talk about other people, we're all who we are in some way. It's just, we've adapted differently.. This is how I've adapted. This is how my inner being seeps through the cracks.
Do forgive the little I make understandable.
Just looking for those who'll take the time to see more.
Closed off yet opening, introverted, misunderstood yet understanding, deviant with neurotic, anxiety and depression issues. Looking for a way out of the void that consumes from within, and instead to consume the void and use the empty as creative opportunity.
We are all in some way tattered and torn in search of aid to hold the pieces of ourselves we have left together during our private times. We attempt sane and "normal" appearing for others more than ourselves. Jeapordizing ourselves to be accepted enough during everyone else's social time.
Likes:
I like the stars. It's the illusion of permanence, I think. I mean, they're always flaring up and caving in and going out. But from here, I can pretend...I can pretend that things last. I can pretend that lives last longer than moments. Gods come, and Gods go. Mortals flicker and flash and fade. Worlds don't last; and stars and galaxies are transient, fleeting things that twinkle like fireflies and vanish into cold and dust. But I can pretend...
Dislikes:
We spend our entire lives going to school, going to work, and providing for ourselves, to the point where we have neglected our hearts and what really makes them sing. Along the way, we are told how the world is, how it works, what to do, how to be, and what is ‘normal.’ This has put many people in the position of being concerned with what others think of them. We develop a need for acceptance and constant affirmation. As a result of this need, in combination with the realities of the daily grind, we neglect to nourish our souls, which is why so many of us feel down, and depressed. It is why we continue, subconsciously, to harm our bodies with toxic substances (smoking, drinking, fastfood, damaging physical alterations), not even realizing why we engage in the same old habits. I believe it’s because we are hurting, it’s because we are not taught to follow our passions and take risks, it’s because we are told the world is a certain way and we have to play by those rules.
We get life, and breath, a world to walk and a path through the world, and the free will to wander the world as we choose.
~
Shows I resonate with due to certain character personality traits and morality:
The midnight gospel
Suits
The pretender
Angel
Sherlock
Monk
House
MASH*
Midnight diner
Firefly (My all time favorite show ever, of all time)
Alderman on the sky
Way of the househusband
No game no life
Final space
Log Horizon
Star trek tng
Supernatural
Kino's journey
Sword Art Online
~
YouTube:
Depends on my mood
NEEBS Gaming (R.I.P. Thick44)
Berleezy
Good Mythical Morning
Bonsai pop
Comicstorian
Cinema Therapy
Viva La Dirt League
RDCworld1
Acevane
Frank James
ill WiLL PrEss
Ryan George
Christophertitustv
MetaBallStudios
The Weeb Commander
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLXOuEq4OCWMv0UEuS-bbp0lpif4l5u_Kb
~
Movies:
Depends on my mood
Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog
Toy Story
The Nightmare before christmas
The princess bride
Fight club
Meet Joe Black
The crow
Serenity
~
Music:
Depends on my mood
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2zMCnkQIbrz1iBiZYvpIlm?si=jEfXN9otRJKB92bNI0EOBw&utm_source=copy-link&dl_branch=1
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLmfBoyCzKi7DyNGcG7krH2KN1l9iMbUAQ
(This youtube playlist contains a collection of songs that represent a musical journey of my mental and emotional experiences in no specific order)
Zack hemsey
Melanie Martinez
IC3SPEAK
Celldweller
Linkin park
The birthday massacre
Eivør
Porcelain and the tramps
Digital daggers
Lindsey Stirling
Angel vivaldi
Rielle
Halsey
Are you
Dethklok
~
K drama:
Warrior baek dong soo
Emperor of the sea
Slave hunters
Faith
Extraordinary Attorney Woo
BOOKS:
Depends on my mood
Anne rice vampire chronicles written by Lestat
The last lecture
Ilusions: The adventures of a reluctant messiah
Life of Pi
Harry potters (House Ravenclaw... Though I resonate with Serverus Snape)
Lord of the rings
The hobbit
The wizard of 4th street
Children of the drake
A tale of ice and fire
~
I could never again be an angel.
Innocence, once lost, can never be regained.. Still, I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.
We only get one life. There's no need to choose an impossible path. It's fine to live as we like and die as we like. However, protecting a precious person... We must not forget this no matter what path we choose.
My personality tends to attract people because I'm authentic and have no image to maintain, but soon it scares most away because I demand authenticity as well.
Do not attempt sparing my feelings to relieve your guilt, I was never it's cause to begin with.
I will delight some and disturb others, and none of it will disturb the truth of my being.
Feel free to call me "weird" as you like, unhealthy traits have become far to "normal" for my liking as it is.
If you want to be accepted, then accept.
If you want to be heard, then say.
If you want to know, then ask.
If you want to be understood,
then take time understanding.
If you want progress, then have patience.
If you want to do, then let's.
If you want to have, then create.
If you want to stay, then come.
If you want to leave, then go.
..
Take a piece of advice from someone who has witnessed as well personally experienced others push away every chance of happiness because it was never enough.
If it's within your grasp, if you know where it is and who it's with, then you should run to it, grasp it and never let it go.
Others may not like what they see,
but only YOU can know how you feel.
I don't know how much value I have in this universe, but I do know I made a few people happier than they would have been without me.
As long as I know that,
I'm as rich as I ever need to be.
One last thing.. Despite the words I tend to choose I still have faith in the world, and I don't let anyone's indifference keep me from helping people..
More than they deserve most times.
I choose to place my energy into expressing and treating others as though the world is as it should be to show it what it can be.
So to create the world I want to live in, because we're creating the world that we live in.
I no longer have energy for hate.
I either love you, wish you well,
or hope that you heal.
May God's treat you as you have treated others.
