The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

06:13 Jul 31 2011
Times Read: 705

11 days D:



Shaddup warning. I get the point.



I'll deal with you..hopefully xD



Testing went fine despite the fact I was half asleep. Got only 3 hours of sleep the night before. Panic attacks are increasing though. I think it has to do with things getting close to school starting and still not having everything I need ready.



A lot going on, but got some new books today. So going to bury myself in those. :)



For those that care, I'm doing better. Not the best, but not the worst.



Might write a longer entry about the testing later. Not too sure, it wasn't a fun experience honestly.



Off to read and then see if I can get some stuff situated.

19:17 Jul 22 2011
Times Read: 722

So my hearing date is now set in stone.



And I found out if I have to travel more than 75 miles, they can pay for my travel expenses if I request it.



The hearing is 78 miles away. I'm requesting that they pay for my damn travel expenses >:(



Am I bitter towards the government? Very much so.



I am also allowed to have two people come with me to speak on my behalf.



Sean wasn't sure if he would be able to do that. And not on the legal aspect either. He told me last night he will do his best.



The other person will hopefully be my mother. She said she will attempt to fly up for the date.



*prays*



I'd love to see her.



Stressed. Very stressed right now.

01:34 Jul 22 2011
Times Read: 724

567 questions.



If they were multiple choice or short answer, it would have been less boring. But true or false?



Some of these questions were really broad and covered a lot of ground.



Thank god though for energy drinks and stuffed french toast. That got me going despite my waking up an hour later than I'd have liked.



I have decided I don't care for these new meds. She said to give it a week. I did. They just aren't fun at all. So I won't take them and I'll just tough it out a bit longer. Woo! Let's have fun in the depressed end of the pool this time around. Except I'm not too depressed thanks to my one med still working rather well. I'm just...pissed. I think I'm hormonal as well. Not helping.



In other news, I did my hair and such yesterday and took a couple pictures. One now my display picture/avatar. I need to get it trimmed though. Might do that next Friday.

We also went out to dinner last night. Nothing too fancy, just the really awesome mexican place. Then we stopped off to a car show on the way back home. Totally spur of the moment and out of character for him. It was nice.



These things are nice. I know he's trying to distract me though. He bought me 4 books last night as well. Those should be here next week.



I'm excited.



And trying to be happy. The testing still bothers me. And school is scaring me a bit now. But yah. I'm excited still. Scared and excited.

03:34 Jul 21 2011
Times Read: 735


"You self-isolate because you don't want others to suffer. You feel that when you associate with people too much, they have to deal with you and most aren't understanding. To prevent this you have developed a way of self-isolation that isn't healthy. You self-isolate yourself so you don't hurt others. I want you to work on this. Open up to your friends."



Ya know what?



Bad idea doctor. Bad fucking idea. I liked my way better.



Sean's comments tonight.



"You are coming down, and you are coming down hard."



"I know."



"Don't be too hard on yourself. If they care, they'll understand."





I'm going into my testing tomorrow with the start of my depression phase. I feel like shit and pretty much hate myself. My cycle. I lose friends because of it. The sweetness of friendship when I was on my meds was nice. I didn't have to worry.

The meds stopped working. I got too comfortable. I got too open.



Now there is the paranoia. The worry. The stress. The tears.



Tonight is something big for my friend. I will try to be mentally there for him. He knows what is going on since he goes through it too. Thank god for that I guess.



I'm off. Dunno what/where I'll be mentally in the next few days.



Forecast: Overcast.

07:09 Jul 20 2011
Times Read: 749

These are the days I think back to when everything first started...



When I was first diagnosed with Bipolar, it was something that wasn't easily digested. There was no diagnosis of depression and happy funtime with meds to start.



I remember the day almost clearly. One of the few memories of that time I do have.



I remember sitting in this cold room at the mental health facility after I attempted to kill myself. I remember them telling me to sit still as they wanted to talk to my mother.



I overheard them ask my mother about history of depression and she explained to them how I would have mood swings, but nothing was this bad. That it only got bad recently.



Recently as in, after I was raped.



They talked and then brought me in the room with them. They wanted me to do some testing. They also suggested therapy.



We tried that. The therapist I saw was one of those that hated meds and refused to let patients on them. But he did agree with the first group of people. I could be bipolar. He smelled funny. I remember that much.



I got to see another therapist. This one I hated. She always probed me about the rape. Probed so much that I couldn't handle it. And the psych doctor I was seeing, she didn't help. She threw me on so many meds that I eventually turned into this zombie that pretty much sat in the corner of rooms and shook.



This madness went on for a year or so. I ended up in the hospital with a head injury from passing out. My meds were pretty much the cause of it. My mother and I agreed to take me off of them.



So here I was, off my meds and too scared to try anything else. A few weeks later, my best friend committed suicide. It was decided about a month after that I would be sent away. My mother did it because I needed the help. I was sent to a halfway house type place that is geared to female teens with mental health issues. I stayed there for a year. I turned 18 while there.



Upon leaving, I was thrown into the adult world. No insurance, no way to get any help. Until the past year, I lived in a state of mental turmoil. My ex was emotionally abusive. Consequently breaking up with me because of my illness. I ended up living with him for a year after we broke up because I had no place else to go. He knew that and used it. Finally I was able to get out.



I lived with a couple of friends. Both of them with mental issues of their own. They understood and there was rarely any issues. We all got along for the most part, but we all had our issues. I felt safe though. Mentally I was still a bit rocky, but I felt safe. Something I hadn't had in a while at that point.



Over the course of time from when my ex broke up with me and while I was living with my friends, I had started talking to this guy online more and more. The more we talked and the more we spent time together online, the more I fell for him. I didn't fall intentionally, and we both fought it for a while. Eventually we met. That was last year. Meeting affirmed what we both knew all along. We loved each other.



With his help, I got back into therapy and on the right medication.



For the first time in 8 years, I could feel normal. When in the last few weeks that started to slip, I went into a stressful mode. Everything is getting better, but I have been stressed.



Thursday I start testing again. They are testing my memory issues. I have some memory issues that have been showing through more and more. My doctor wants to know if it was from going so long without treatment, trauma, or head injuries. Thursday starts the testing. Then next Friday I have the big one. As well as a quick session with my therapist to talk about it.



Where do I stand on everything? I'm happy for the most part. Some days I'm just a mess.



I don't want my illness to become some random warning on my profile that goes "lol I'm bipolar so don't fuck with me!"



If I had a warning it would be this. "I have a brain disorder. What's your excuse?" Seriously.



I feel better.



Feel free to ignore this mess. It's seriously a mess.



Hey! Life can't be all that grand.

18:40 Jul 18 2011
Times Read: 771

Well the other night I mentioned something that shook me to the core.



I feel a bit more comfortable talking about it.



Saturday night I went to check my facebook and noticed I had a new friend request. I tend to get these often from members of the psp community and I add them right away for networking/advertising. (Sad fact)



But I saw one from a woman with the same last name as the guy who had raped me. And then I read the message that came with the request.



I dropped to the ground and started to pretty much hyperventilate. The asshole was on his step mothers account attempting to contact me.



He's not supposed to have contact with me. Period. Of course, what am I going to do? Wave the restraining order paper at him? >.>



Irregardless, he is in some new location that is like a halfway house but still a prison-like facility. I know exactly the location of the place and it's fairly secure. He gets computer access. That part scares me.



I have my facebook locked down fairly well. He either had to search for me straight out, or have a friend that has me to find me. He can't message me. He had to do it through the friend request message option.



Either way, I was terrified. He is a violent person and I was afraid for myself and Sean's safety. It took a lot of reassurance that we are safe here.



I have called the county offices where I have the restraining order and also contacted the facility where he is currently. Neither answered so I left messages and waiting on them to call me back.



I might be scared, but I'm not too scared to tell them that he is not supposed to contact me and has.



So there, that is what shook me. I am dealing with it. Just like I'm dealing with everything else.



This week -will- be better. I will make sure of it.

02:41 Jul 18 2011
Times Read: 782

Sharing a little nifty tidbit I have stumbled across tonight.



Leftover cheese sauce (homemade) is totally good with the fixings you would stick on a philly. Green peppers, onions, and mushrooms.



Now. Dip some crackers or chips in that.



Tasty.



Currently I'm dipping Ritz Baked Chips in it. They are chip-like crackers.



I'm famished from today. We went on our four wheeling trip today. Ended up finding this nice spot to swim. Played around in the water until we heard thunder. High tailed our asses back home. I didn't want to be caught on the four wheelers with a thunderstorm.



Got home, washed up, went to Wal Mart. Picked up some supplies and these AWESOME Ihop frozen things. They are a mimic of the stuffed french toast they serve in the restaurants. Pretty close and it makes me happy in my tummy.



Made cheese steak sammichs for dinner. Then we played video games and watched Weeds.



Now snacking and getting ready for night time stuff. (Him gaming, me doing whatever)



Nom nom nom. Chips

18:28 Jul 17 2011
Times Read: 800

Something happened last night that shook me to the core.



I don't want to go into details, but I do know that I need to be careful of myself.



In other news. I have been tagging to take my mind off the stress. So, here are a few tags for you guys to look at. I've been seriously working on perspective. So you might have to look at the image against white. (right click and get the image url and paste in a new tab)



















I know a couple of these are pushing limits for the site, but I double checked like 6 times over and I see nothing. Enjoy?

06:10 Jul 16 2011
Times Read: 820

Something to put a smile on my face:

I posted a tag that I made for myself on facebook. I noticed Igot a comment on it.



From an artist. And not even the artist himself.

It was a nice feeling.



Tonight Sean and I went to see Harry Potter. Was a very good ending for the movie series. I enjoyed our night out and our ice cream after. It was something I needed to break up the shitstorm of my life lately. Tomorrow we are going to try to take the four wheelers out to the pit and go swimming. How redneck does that sound? lol



It's supposed to be like 95 degrees and I want to swim. We picked up some spf 100 sunscreen this past week so I won't die. I don't need a repeat of a few years ago when I got sun poisoning. Hugging the toilet and crying because the pain from my second degree sunburns is something I never want to experience again. I did have sunscreen on that time as well. It was only spf45 stuff.



For the most part I've been doing stuff to keep my mind off the news from yesterday. It's there in the back of my head. Just..rough to take it in.





A lot going on in my head. I'm also on new meds for my other issues. That was a fun experience last night. It's this thing that I stick under my tongue that dissolves. It makes my tongue go numb. And it's supposed to taste like black cherry. Liars.

02:10 Jul 15 2011
Times Read: 839

The world has lost one damn good drag queen today.



I don't know how to process this on top of everything else, but I found out earlier that a friend of mine had passed away.



I wish I was in Florida to be there for it all. I really do.



I've changed my picture to one of him and I.



It felt right. :/

21:17 Jul 13 2011
Times Read: 851

So where have I been?



Busy might be part of it.



Monday I saw my therapist. We talked, and I also popped in to see my doctor. She was a bit busy but could tell a few things were still off. She told me to make an appointment for as soon as possible. I see her tomorrow.



I saw my rehab therapist yesterday. We worked on thought slowing and other fun stuff. We discussed school and other stuff. Talked about sleep and different sleep stuff that could help.



Today. Today was a rough one. I had a meeting with my representatives for social security. I have my hearing set for October 10th. I'm scared. We talked about what it would be like and how I would have to get there a half hour early and such.



It's at 10:30 in the morning. It's a 3 hour drive to Duluth where they are holding it. Meaning we'd have to wake up at 5am. At least. Probably earlier since we'd have to find the place. Since it's on a Monday, I think we will leave Sunday night and get a hotel room down there. And try to find it Sunday night.



I'm just..freaking out. I'm also getting school stuff situated and doing some stuff for PTE while trying to get myself relaxed. Not to mention the shitstorms in my games. Thank god I have stepped back for the most part.



It's just been rough on me mentally. To most people this would be nothing, but the way I am right now, I can't take it.



There is a limit, and I have reached mine.



I'm around. I'm just not very social and not very relaxed.

02:47 Jul 11 2011
Times Read: 864

I have mentally surfaced!



Seriously. My sleep pattern is fubar'd right now, but that will come with some time.



I seriously sat there for a few hours each day stoned with my meds listening to dubstep.



Yesterday I took my smaller dosage and today I was fine to do normal stuff. Went grocery shopping and did the driving.



Sean learned that the "oh shit" handles in the car work. Gotta keep those working at all times.



I was parking in a tight spot and he didn't think I had enough room. So he started to freak out because I was like 4 inches from the car next to us when I was pulling in. I parked us just fine. No hitting the other car and was nicely between the lines. The other guy was a dick though and it was one of those big trucks.



Shopping went fine for the most part.



Then we got home and his mother picked the worst possible time to push some paperwork at us. Just as I'm unloading the bags. Then after I told her not now. She started to dig around in the bags. I told her either leave or help put stuff away, or she might get lucky and see what a conniption fit was.



She left. :D



I don't care how old you are. Don't get underfoot while I'm trying to put food away.



I think I had a good day overall. Got stuff done that I was putting off and relaxed the rest of the day.



I feel better. Physically and mentally. Sleep does a body good.

15:55 Jul 07 2011
Times Read: 870

Dear crazy lady calling me at 9am.



No. I'm not a fan of you wanting to set up my testing during my vacation. Thank god I didn't buy my tickets yet.



No. I'm not a fan of you doing this at 9 am on each day. Meaning I gotta drive myself to Hibbing half asleep.



No. I don't wanna do these tests.



Go bother someone else who wasn't sleeping peacefully.



:(

01:40 Jul 07 2011
Times Read: 879

Well my doctor and I talked over the phone a bit. She wants me to try something different for the next few days.



I started it today.



Holy crap am I stoned or something.



But I'm not manic. That's for DAMN sure.



Just really out of it right now. Which is better I think. I'm not attached to my mind at the current moment. Or my moods. I'm just...here.



She wants to bring me down. Down to a normal level and work from there up. I'm hoping this works. I have to do this until Monday. She said I'll probably sleep a lot, but it should help my body recover as well as put my mind at some ease. I am to slowly decrease the amount of meds. I go to that office on Monday anyways so she wants me to check in with her then.



So for those that do care, if I go MIA the next few days. I am under a lot of mental health medications and will be hugging my pillows a lot. I don't want you guys to freak out lol



♥

17:09 Jul 05 2011
Times Read: 886

So yesterday.



I was up at 8:30 in the morning. After getting to bed at about 2am the night before.



That was all fine and dandy. I made it through the day and laid down for bed last night at 10pm.



5:30 am this morning. I'm still wide awake. I'm finally about to pass out and I realize I had an 11am appointment.



Fuck.



I set the alarm and pass out. I mean pass out. So bad I didn't hear my phone go off at 8 am when my therapist called me to cancel the appointment at 11.



At 9 am here I am awake and dragging along. I am finally dressed and ready and go downstairs to see we had a new call this morning. I see it was from my therapist. So I grab my cell. Yep.



Now I'm awake.



I'm praying that I can get tired soon. I need a nap. I need to rest and sleep.



My body is tired. My mind may be awake, but my body needs to rest up.



Welcome to mania....

06:32 Jul 03 2011
Times Read: 896

I'm slipping.



Or something like that.



It's been a long time since I haven't been in control and I'm not liking it. I've lost most control over my moods and my emotions and they are to the extreme at this point.



Mania is fine and dandy when it's just mania. But when the other stuff starts, it's dangerous. The anger. The being annoyed at everything. The stress. The loss of control.



The anger. Sean and I had a fight today. We screamed and yelled at each other. We never do that. He's stressed and I'm not stable. This whole situation is bad on top of the rest of the issues going on. We broke today.



We are fine now, but I don't want this to keep happening.



And I know that this weekend will be tough on him. His sister is moving away Tuesday. And I'm not in the mental state to support him. I'm going to try, but I can't even handle my own emotions right now.



Tuesday I am calling my doctor again. Even though the state did shutdown, I can still fill prescriptions. Meaning I need to get something done, and soon.



I can't keep living like this. I liked being in control. I liked being normal.



And for some reason, this song speaks to me when I'm like this. *shrug*







I need something.

07:35 Jul 01 2011
Times Read: 890

I think my doctors suggestion is working.



Doubling up on my one med to see how it works and if is too much, to cut down to 3 instead of 4.



She said to move it around depending on the day. If I'm having an extreme day, feel free to push it to 5. I hate taking that many, but after yesterday when I did take 4 and started to come down I think she is right. I was more level today. I took 3 just to make sure nothing goes wrong.



She hinted that it could be my stress levels again messing with me and to take it easy. I am still allowed to drop down to my normal 2 if I am leveled out, but she thinks 3 might be better now.



This is my life. Living with medication changes constantly. Dealing with sudden changes when stress gets to be too much.



I am going to curl up with my book and hope for a nice restful sleep.