Honor: 20 [ Give / Take ]
31 entries this month
21:52 Feb 29 2012
Times Read: 794
Currently I'm wearing black diamond heart earrings. I feel as though I'm wearing blood diamonds or might as well be.
*sighs* I slept somewhat decently last night. That's the good news. I got to go to a buffet with my mom, stepdad, and Brett earlier. It was yummy fun. My mom has Aurora for a couple of days.
I feel blah. Gosh, blood diamonds. In a different way than the usual meaning but still quite literal. I feel like they make me look ugly or something. Or make me a horrid person because I like them and accepted them off the person.
Brett's right. I talk in circles a lot. =\
21:54 Feb 28 2012
Times Read: 818
Yum! Making homemade potato soup and it smells so good right now. =)
I've been off of here since my last journal. I hate how much it seems like I can't get out of the routine of checking this thing to the point it bugs me when I don't.
Yeah, I've told people that I've known that this is where they can find me on here always. I don't plan on ever changing my screen name. There's so much meaning behind DireConsequences. Only a few people know the past behind it, the meaning.
But leave it to me to actually feel bad when I don't check this site for messages in case someone does message or needs something.
Not healthy. Not at all.
Tomorrow I need to call and make an appointment with my therapist. I'm sure she has me blocked. It's been a while. I just can't sleep and it seems as though my fear of sleeping is getting worse. Yeah, I get scared, well terrified of going to sleep. I don't want to see the past anymore. It's making me a wreck.
I survived the past... Shouldn't that be enough for me to overpower my memories and dreams? I had the strength to make it through no matter what and yet I can't seem to change the nightmares/dreams.
I'm disappointed in myself. I'm depressed. I feel like I've been beaten by the memories.
How is that possible when I made it through the actual events? Ugh! I hate myself right now!
It seems like I can't get my thoughts and emotions out. I haven't been able to talk to Brett about it. The one morning I woke up with that nightmare about Courtney, it really messed with my head. Not surprising considering the unfolding events in the dream. I always have nightmares about the past. I wish I could cope better. I know it won't be easier to cope until I start healing and coping with the past. How scared does that make me? Insanely. I would rather go through something similar than face the memories that plague me. How pathetic does that make me feel? Horribly. Why would I want to go through something like that again instead of just confronting my past? How can I be that messed up? I think it's because I know I made it through. I did what I needed to at the time to make it through. I'm positive I would do the same thing now. It just may not be the same techniques that I used then... after all, I was a child, a young child. I would have to make it through something like that now. I have a daughter and a boyfriend. I would just have to. Yet I can't face those memories.
I need to get back off of here. Maybe I'll write more at a later date.
04:20 Feb 26 2012
Times Read: 826
In a little over 24 hours, I've taken two of my migraine pills. It doesn't seem like that pain is going anywhere at the moment. It went down a little on the pain scale last night when I took the first pill. I'm getting a little dizzy from it but it's not that bad.
On better news, I'm working on a plastic canvas purse for Aurora for Easter from mommy. I can still work on it even when I'm dizzy and whatnot. I'm content enough.
I just want my head to get down to a 5 or a 4 hopefully. I may be calling the doctor on Monday if it just won't stop hurting so bad. I drove less than a mile earlier and couldn't drive anymore. My eye is blurring on that side when I have spikes of pain... probably from the tears.
I want to curl up and go back to bed. But if I don't earn any Auro tonight on UniFaction, it's going to set me back on completing Aurora's surprise on there by a few days.
Just a few hundred. I just want to earn a few hundred tonight. =)
I guess I'm curling up with the laptop and doing my plastic canvas for Aurora.
I miss doing plastic canvas with my Grandma. It had been a LONG time since we did it together but I really missed doing it. She couldn't really cut the canvas anymore. I had to do it for her most of the time we did do it. I'm hoping to teach Aurora how to do it sometime within the next year... but even the plastic craft needles are too bluntly sharp to let Aurora use them without her listening to directions to the point she needs to. She'll want to listen more, especially since she sees mommy making something. =)
I got to get off of here soon. It's too much. Later. Oh and I'll have to copy my three things later on too.
I haven't forgotten... although, I just haven't been wanting to get on this site much. Why choose a place with tons of drama when I can go to retreat that has none. Sure, people ask for advice in heavy situations, but it's asking for help and suggestions. Not throwing it into people's faces and causing drama.
There's never really been a time I've wanted to stay off VR for a long while, but it's been feeling that way to me. Maybe it would be a good change. I love this site and it's been a part of my life since 2005. I've never even stayed away from this site for more than a week. Maybe it's time though. =)
Later people.
06:22 Feb 23 2012
Times Read: 839
Mind blowing, rough sex is unbelievable.
I still feel incredible right now.
Brett's gone to smoke. =)
*sighs* I like this a lot.
We just need to work on a couple of things more often. We're both guilty of the mistakes and we need to work together to correct them.
^_^
I'm heading to bed soon.
Oh and off of my ultimate sex list: Sex while having a skirt on... it has now been done.
I simply felt beautiful before in this sleek, clingy, long black skirt with a bright blue tank and a headband in my hair while waiting for him to come home from class.
Just feeling this pretty in an outfit was worth all the cleaning I've gotten done today.
... I wish I could have found time to repaint my fingernails and paint my toenails. There's always tomorrow though!
Later! I'm heading to Uni until I'm ready for bed.
17:21 Feb 19 2012
Times Read: 844
I feel for my cat. She now has a homemade cone on her head. A pretty pink one with a donkey sticker on it.
She had an area behind her left ear. I cleaned it before (a couple of weeks ago) but she won't quit scratching. Well, she opened it again today. BADLY! She bled all over the kitchen floor.
Miss Shadow Dancer got her area cleaned with peroxide and rubbing alcohol again. She immediately went to scratch and in doing so she actually scratched me. O_O This cat never scratches me meaning to like that.
She got two 1X1 gauze squares on the area to catch the bleeding, some sport wrap that's blue, and Aurora and I made her a homemade cone so she'll leave the wrap alone for a couple of days.
Dang cat should have just quit while she was ahead and it was almost healed.
She lying on a box under the stairs and hanging her head in defeat.
Aurora gave her a sticker for being a good patient. Aurora got some Andes mints (three) for being a good nurse.
Wait until Brett sees her. I'm going to probably hit him in the arm if he picks my poor baby cat.
Why did Aurora choose the donkey sticker? Is she trying to say something about how my cat looks?
Sorry Shadow. It had to be done!
11:01 Feb 18 2012
Times Read: 851
I'm really tired but there's no sense in me trying to get some sleep again. It's already 5:30 in the morning. *yawns* I'm just going to have to make it through the day on what sleep I got right after Aurora went to sleep.
I've already started cleaning some but it's difficult not to wake both Brett and my baby girl.
Tonight, *sighs* tonight, I'm taking two Melatonin to get some sleep. I'm tired of worrying about the furnace. Brett can set the alarm, wake up and take care of it. I want some decent sleep without nightmares, where I'm not waking up even more tired, and where I know immediately where I am.
I hope to get a lot done today. I'm happy to say my migraine is gone except for a nagging ache. I'm pretty sure that's from where I hit my head off of the dryer in the bathroom during the day. I have a tangerine size lump but it's not raised too much. Thank goodness.
That's what I was upset about though. Aurora knows Mama's phone number if something happens and the phone is where she can get it. She knew her dad was outside her window digging the 10-12 foot deep ditch. I blacked out. Instead of doing either of those things and getting help, she went outside.
She went outside.
She played in her sandbox by the porch and with her dog. She stayed in the yard.
However, Brett didn't know I had fallen and hit my head and he also didn't know she was outside without permission.
I had lost my balance and fell because of a dispute over toilet paper where Aurora hit me in the head.
We didn't yell at her. Oh my gosh. This is the first time something like this has happened.
She's gone out the front door before to check on her Poochie and stuff when I'm in the kitchen and has gotten in trouble for it. But we needed to explain to her why this was so dangerous.
Hell, there's been a wild dog stealing Pooch's food the past few weeks. I'll shoot the thing if it hurts her dog or tries to. But for her to be out there a good 10 minutes before Brett heard her and I came to... that's scary!
There's woods around us, a creek below us, and a peddler's mine on this hill that has an opening on this property. O_O It makes me want to cry thinking of what could have happened.
But it didn't. She apologized for scaring us and going outside. I'm pretty dang sure she understands the situation.
I'm grateful for my daughter's safety.
13:05 Feb 17 2012
Times Read: 858
WOW! If Brett ever wanted/demanded me to cut grass in something sexy, I would slap him!
Just saying!
Oh I hope Aurora doesn't wake up for like an hour! Pretty please! She did have a later night last night! *begs* I want to watch this episode!
12:24 Feb 17 2012
Times Read: 859
I'm currently watching Dr. Phil and I've got to say that these children have nothing on Aurora about six months ago. If I had a video camera, I would have video taped her. I'm honestly not sure how things have come this far. She has a horrible bossy mouth on her still... but she's not hitting, kicking, biting, punching, etc me often anymore.
I can say I'm watching this episode and my eyes are tearing up because I know the frustration and the hopelessness I felt when I didn't know what to do with her.
She's been hitting me here and there again. I think it has to do with Brett digging, cutting wood, doing homework, and trying to fit everything in the week in. He's trying to spend time with her.
But gosh, I can feel for the one woman who said there's been people in the store who offered to shield her so she could spank her daughter.
If I remember the statement right from earlier in the show, "85% of the dc kicked out of preschool become juvenile delinquents" which is really scary when I take into account how bad Aurora's temper can get.
She's been fighting me on telling anyone anything she knows. I don't know how to correct that.
I can't get in touch with the right people to send the screening report to the RIGHT school district since the gentleman sent it to the wrong one when I told him that there was no way we could get her to that bus. We have two choices and that is not included at all. Ugh! Stupid people. That school district won't even contact me about my daughter even though they got the report when the other school I told him to send it to was supposed to get it. Come on!
I guess I'm getting in a ranting mood. I haven't slept too much. I'm rather tired. I may get a nap this evening. Maybe. =) Brett won't be up for another hour or two. Aurora should be up before that. I'm hanging out online until then so I can just relax some. I really don't want to get out from under my heated blanket. I like watching Dr. Phil too. I don't get to watch it often anymore since Aurora hit age two. *sighs*
This one is on marriage. The man got caught cheating eight times. It makes me want to wake Brett up to a punch in the gut. I won't even pretend I've dealt with everything on that issue.
Something that happened this morning really bothered me. I had a really bad nightmare. I was terrified of going back to sleep. I still am. Brett woke up and I told him that I had one and I had cried my eyes out until I calmed down while online. He didn't comfort me at all. He went outside and smoked. He can't be around me after he smokes... it triggers my asthma symptoms. I'm really disappointed in him in the boyfriend department. Hell, he didn't even ask me if I was okay before heading outside to smoke. I guess it's good that I told him as such at least. I feel neglected and it's not because of sex and things. It's because of the lack of comfort and support when things get crappy. I would have settled on being asked if I was okay and a hug.
I feel like I'm expecting too much at times for wanting that support.
This is why I'm scared to face my nightmares, flashbacks, and past in therapy because if I don't have the support of the one person who is alive and here physically that I want it from, then how can I stay confident that I can be strong enough to face this?
I doubt myself so much. r
03:42 Feb 17 2012
Times Read: 863
Fucking A! Anyone who keeps up with me, knows if I want sex, it doesn't take long for my will power to run out if I've been having a crappy time sleeping. There are times I honestly believe my only value is sexual. I'm working on that but that's not what the "Fucking A" is about.
I cleaned my toys three times with the sex toy cleaner just to make sure to get every bit of that evil to me lube off of them. Mmmkay!
Well, guess it wasn't enough. Itchy. Breaking out. It's bad enough I just took two allergy pills. I'm trying to stay distracted with my hands on the keyboard and touchpad of the laptop until the pills kick in or something gets better.
At least I'm not as badly inflamed and definitely not as itchy as I first was on Valentine's morning.
O_O
This is not welcomed. I want my Brett Brett! ... And to eat chicken!
Gosh, I feel lame.
They Say Goodnight, Olivia ♥
21:18 Feb 15 2012
Times Read: 867
Aurora says it must be here and in Olivia's favorite color. ^_^
"They say Good night, Olivia, your big day is through".
But how can I sleep, there is still so much to do?
It looks like I'm tucked in tight snug in my bed,
But tomorrow is chasing today through my head.
Will I climb the highest mountaintop,
Or will I paint my masterpiece?
Go ride a bronco in the rodeo
Or wow the crowd on my trapeze?
Princess, doctor, author, astronaut,
From jungles dark to oceans deep.
I'll do anything go anywhere
Just don't ask me to go to sleeeeeeep...
There's still so much to do!"
21:16 Feb 15 2012
Times Read: 868
My babe is home. =) She's doing her color wonder and watching Olivia with me. Brett's left to go to the college to work on his online classwork after a day of doing wood.
Princess Aurora always gets what she wants. Mama and Papa got her a pizza to bring home because she wanted that for supper. Looks like I'm being forced to eat some too... thank you, daughter of mine! ^_^ Pizza isn't my favorite food.
I have a good bit to do today and tomorrow. I'm trying to spread my chores out since my nether region is still sore. I'm walking funny, quite funny. I'm squatting when I have to bend down. Brett's been laughing at me. My mom told him he wouldn't be laughing if something like that happened to him.
I didn't tell her everything. She knows we were using it. That I use it by myself. That's enough for her. She stopped me there. She asked how bad it looked and I told her.
I had to take one allergy pill this morning after two two pill doses yesterday. But this morning, I woke up with a rash type thing down there and itching. After the medication kicked in, it went away for the most part. A few bumps remain but that's it. The redness and itch is gone.
I hope I never have that kind of reaction again... well not to that point.
I used to and still do from time to time have an allergic reaction to water. No clue why. It happened a lot when I was younger... then stopped. But when I was Nashville, TN, it started back up. Now that I'm back around here, it only happens once in a while again. I guess I'm just weird.
Yesterday wasn't so bad. However, thanks to me taking allergy pills, I was pretty "gone" most of the afternoon and evening. Brett and I decided that once I can walk normally, we'll celebrate our own Valentine's Day. That sounds great to me when taking everything into account. ^_^
I'm happy.
By the way, I love Olivia. ♥
"I'll do anything go anywhere, Just don't ask me to go to sleeeeeeep...
There's still so much to do!"
04:38 Feb 15 2012
Times Read: 874
People on UF are so sweet!
Someone just sent me 15,000 auro to help me out since I'm new.
It's a positive online community where I can not feel guilty if Aurora joins me in doing stuff on it. She loves it!
She's going to be so surprised and happy when she finds out tomorrow that someone gifted us the auro. ♥
No begging, no asking, and it even comes from strangers.
I love it. I hope to start giving back as I start saving up auro for things. I can see being a Ninja later on when I have the opportunity to create a second account.
I'm heading back over there. Sorry people, I'm out of here for a while. =D
09:00 Feb 14 2012
Times Read: 902
TMI ALERT
I NEVER want to feel like ripping my vagina and asshole open because of something a guy did again!
I'm on fire! I just figured it out thanks to Brett playing with me with some toys.
I'm allergic to the fuckin' lube. The KY Mine and His lube.
This fuckin' sucks! I feel like my pussy is going to drop off right from in me. My ass feels like it's going to swell the hell open.
I can't take allergy pills because of my allergy test this morning!
What the fuckin' hell?!
It's in me. I washed the best I could but considering the swelling... I can't very well get it out.
There's been a mild itch the past couple of weeks when masturbating but it wasn't like this. Nothing over the top and I wrote it off as the whole "right after sex" itch.
I want to cry. I'm about to.
Screw my luck!
At least I now know. I'm going to email the company since Wal-mart definitely won't take it back. LMAO! Now I wish I went through Adam and Eve for things.
Last night I couldn't sleep from being overly horny. Now I'm not going to want sex for a while! Heh, good thing, I guess.
Now to hope the self cleaning crotch does what it can do so I don't have to go to the ER or something after my test.
How would I explain this one?
Oh yeah mom, can you watch Aurora? I need to go to the ER because of an allergic reaction to lube last night. It's horrible now. I can't stand it. And since my test, the allergy pills aren't doing a thing. Oh, why did I use lube? Because Brett wanted to surprise me to play when I woke up. He got some toys. I love anal and so yeah.
Yeah mom, I know what you said. If I did taboo things, don't come to you when something goes wrong or I get some funky disease. But in my defense... it was the lube. Not anything else!
No woman should ever feel like scratching up inside of herself!
AhhhhhhH! I'm frustrated.
10:20 Feb 13 2012
Times Read: 912
Warning TMI.
There's a problem when you're too hot and bothered at night to sleep... at all.
I feel much better. *sighs* I didn't wake Brett up for the simple fact he's gotta cut more wood this morning. He needs the sleep.
I need to stop this "I'm so horny" spell.
I was doing so much better with managing it all and now, it's like I'm a freakin' rabbit or worse. 0_0
My nightmares have gotten worse by a fair bit. Our relationship is doing better by a good bit. I'm losing my concentration and hell, at the baby shower, it felt like people knew what had happened to me.
They can't.
Well, thanks to fake friends in high school opening their traps when I told only them... yeah, the pregnant mom-to-be could know since she was a grade or two below me and we went to the same school.
I just want to stop wanting that physical contact so much. It only appeals to me when thinking about Brett in that way so he doesn't have to worry about any issues like what happened before happening again.
Heck, if anything happened like that, which it won't, there won't be a relationship.
Gosh, I feel like a whore.
I confided in him last week that it makes me feel like a slut. He's spent... I've gotten off a few times... Yet, I want more. I have to have more.
I feel horrible.
I hate what my thoughts do to me when I'm left awake at night. He won't hold it against me for masturbating. Why would he? But I feel guilty for doing so. I feel dirty.
Filthy.
Maybe I should call and set up those weekly appointments with my therapist. Maybe it's time to try to cope with my past again.
If so, there's going to be a lot here.
A lot of weight.
A lot of shame.
A lot of guilt.
A lot of courage.
A lot of strength.
A lot of hiding.
A lot of fear.
And that doesn't even begin to cover it.
The worse part of it is over, and I made it. Why can't I face the memories and the pain? Why can't I grieve for myself for a change?
I hate this. I hate crying. I hate myself right now. ,
19:52 Feb 11 2012
Times Read: 917
I'm rather exhausted from trying to watch what I eat and things. I never used to pay close attention to it and worry so much over it.
It started with my pregnancy with Aurora. I was anemic and needed to make sure to eat enough meat, among other things. I didn't keep a journal and still don't but I kept a mental note about it. I worried about it a little too much in my opinion.
On my birthday of 2007, I took the bunny test as my mom called it when she took one for me. =) Well, it turned up positive as everyone should assume.
I was down to 172-175 pounds.
I've always been bigger since about fourth grade. I had started overeating then to deal with sexual abuse that had happened and cope with the person being an active part of my life still at that point. They still kind of are. Kind of.
But after graduating from high school and starting college, I started dropping the weight. I didn't pay attention to what I ate. I hated thinking about it. I didn't eat the best foods some days. Taco Bell was Courtney and my favorite place to stop in the middle of the night. =] I miss those midnight runs to there. I really do.
Even when I moved to Nashville, I didn't care about my weight. I mean, I did obviously but not like I do now.
It's hard.
I want to lose the weight.
If I obsess over what foods I eat, I just seem to gain.
If I go to play on the Wii Fit like I used to, I have an asthma attack.
I'm too worried to go walking.
My inhaler, my rescue one, hasn't worked on some occasions. Scary!
I need to lose weight. I need to. I have to. There's no ifs, ands, or buts about it. I have to if I want to be able to live comfortably and keep up with my daughter.
I'm 276 pounds.
276
276
It just seems to go up and up and up every time I try to take some of my portions down, watch what I eat, and make an effort.
Maybe I need to stop worrying about it so much and just have fun.
That's what I used to do.
But then again, I had the confidence not to care what person thought what.
I've actually had to use one of those scooter things in the store because of my breathing. What the fuck? I'm 24 years old. This isn't right.
Time for change.
Brett won't help. He tries to but won't stick to anything like doing the Wii with me. He gives me more food when he knows I've been cutting back. It's frustrating at times.
I'm now considered morbidly obese.
Brett may still find me attractive and have no problem with my weight other than the problems health-wise it's causing me... but I do!!
I'm not taking this lying down.
If what the doctors are suggesting isn't working, I'm going to try to stop worrying so much. I'm tired of looking at the calorie count more than what's in the food.
Isn't nutrition worth a few more calories? I mean, I'm chasing a four year old almost all day.
This bugs me.
I shouldn't have to ask Brett if he honestly finds me attractive anymore. If he finds anything about me sexy. I shouldn't have to ask him if my weight bothers him.
I expect it to. It disgusts me. I want to take a knife and cut my stomach open some days and just watch the fat pour out.
I feel worthless in this body.
I feel hopeless when I can't lose weight watching what I eat to the point I have.
I just feel like utter shit.
I swear at the rate I'm going, if I don't do anything about it, by the time Aurora is seven years old, I'll be twice the size I was when I discovered I was pregnant.
This has nothing to do with the pregnancy. Most of my weight came off. I had about 20 pounds to lose. That's it. Nothing huge.
I need to get my ass in gear on this again. I'm scared of failing but is it worth my time with my little girl if I give up and keep putting the weight on?
10:51 Feb 11 2012
Times Read: 922
I think my high from sex is wearing off finally. =) Time for me to get a couple hours of sleep before Aurora gets up.
Brett's cutting wood today.
It's been snowing all night. ♥
I want to go to Wal-mart and get Breaking Dawn Pt. 1 for Brett for V-Day. He's such a girl. 0.o Haha!
*yawns* I'm tired.
I'm decided a few things for myself. I need to find some time to write about them later today. Right now, bed. Night.
00:36 Feb 10 2012
Times Read: 946
Self Punishment
Blindness.
Courtney became blind when she was 18 years old. It was torture. They couldn't figure it out. She missed so many things. Not being able to see your own face in the mirror even when you used to hate your looks, not being able to see your family and friends and never going to again, never to see the stars at night again, never to see the sun rise or set another day in your life.
It's an ultimate fear to lose any of my senses.
I can't imagine not seeing my daughter's face every day or hearing her talk to me.
I can't imagine what Courtney went through. She toughed it out. She went to a school for the blind after sinking into a deep depression and trying to accept it.
I'm lucky to have had a friend go blind in my lifetime. Gosh, that sounds rather bad. I'm not happy she went blind. I would have done anything to get her sight back. But I don't take mine for granted.
I love seeing the beauty around me.
Since Aurora's been born, I've woken up just to look at her and be thankful I can see her. She's in the phase of singing everything and even though it's annoying at times, it's quite lovely to a mother.
What is the worse thing I could do to myself? I think it would be blindness. So much of my memories are based on visuals that I would be lost with seeing only white or "shadow people" as Courtney saw.
Being deaf would be a close second on the self punishment list.
Not being able to hear at all scares me. I'm paranoid about sounds as it is. I always have been since I was a child. I slept lightly and it saved me some anguish quite a few times. Being without my hearing would be a nightmare for me.
The third thing that comes to mind is one thing I've been terrified of since I saw a guy in a coma when my mom worked in long term care. Paralysis. Not being able to move on my own. To be able to think, not talk, not move, not take care of myself or anything else. Just look around and think. Day in and day out. A prison of so many types.
I'm torn about being kept alive on machines if something happens because I'm all for giving a person a chance to fight it but there's a point I think the people around them should let go.
That right there probably makes me sound really heartless. I don't want my daughter owing thousands of dollars and not being able to live her life because of mommy being kept alive on machines when there is no hope at all left.
Now, after writing all of this, I want to cuddle up with Aurora and thank her for being my Princess Aurora.
She's spending the night at Mama's house. ♥
22:05 Feb 09 2012
Times Read: 950
I feel like a child right now.
I just finished up antibiotics. I only have a slight cough, a little bit of sniffles, and a tiny headache.
On top of that, my ears are the only thing that causes worry. They're clogged. Bad. I've had pain here and there but only when they pop.
I got some over the counter drops today. I just put them in and I have got to say... I can feel them working some. My ears feel weird. Warmish. Popping a little bit here and there when I move muscles in my face and neck.
I feel like a child with the cotton in my ears though. The last time my mom did this to me was when I was like nine years old (I think).
I haven't been able to hear well since Friday though. Almost a week of not being able to hear well... I'm tired of it. Screw letting it clear up with my flu. Screw it. I want to hear what my child tells me on the first time and not ask her twice or ask her to show me if I still can't hear her.
O_O
Right behind my ears feels full on either side. The right is worse than the left. I can hear about half as good with the left than the right. It's just horrible though.
I feel like I need hearing aids.
Although, I'm grateful for my hearing and youth. That's one of my things on my list today. =) Definitely!
03:57 Feb 09 2012
Times Read: 960
The Coven of the Darkened Forest
Created on November 7th, 2007
Disbanded on February 8th, 2012
It was based on finding oneself within your own darkened forest that we all create. The favor was used to help people as we could. If someone came through our doors, we sent them off to where they wished to go, often times for nothing or next to it. =)
It was about having some place to call home on this website. I'll always think of it as such too.
I remember how excited and happy I was when I saw Cancer sent it through, I was very, very pregnant, jumping up and down, and squealing like crazy.
I know that there may be some slight resentment from a few closer friends when they log on eventually and see the coven gone. But I gave warnings and have no way of letting them know otherwise. =\ The coven has always been a great place of bonding and forming friendships.
Now that I'm going to close those gates after I submit this entry, I've got to admit, I have some tears swelling up in my eyes. I've watched people come and go through my coven as my daughter has grown. They are only seven days apart after all.
This is a bittersweet chapter ending here on VR for me but it's the beginning of another that can led so many other places.
01:58 Feb 08 2012
Times Read: 964
Yay! New Dance Mom here in a few minutes. I'm so watching it. Aurora's been grouchy and she's still not feeling good. So she's heading to bed before it ends for once.
Poor lil' princess. ♥ She's already in her Minnie Mouse sleeper. =)
01:35 Feb 08 2012
Times Read: 968
Today has been passing. Last night, I voted to sleep next to Brett on the couch. Yeah, big mistake. Should of went to the bed. *nods* He kept rolling over every time I would fall asleep. The cute butthead. He knocked me on the floor once and wouldn't help me up. Haha! He wanted me to take my shirt off and cuddle up with him though. Um, no. Not in the living room. He didn't remember walking up to me crying, wiping my tears and cuddling me up like a teddy. ♥
But this morning, I went to sleep for a few hours. I couldn't stay awake. I just wanted to sleep forever. I guess that's the way it's been my way of dealing with things in the past. On the day my dad died for the first couple of years, I went to the graveyard to have lunch with my dad and then came home to curl up with Nala, his kitty and stay with her that day. Courtney was the only person who could get me out of the house that day, well in the evening and at night. I still needed the day to myself to just get a grasp on not having my dad anymore.
Courtney was special to me. She was that one girl that I met who could tell me the sky was dark during the day and could probably get me to believe. Of course, she didn't abuse it. She guilt tripped me a few times but never too badly and I don't hold it against her. She wanted to see me after all while I was dealing with my anxiety problems. I would have done the same exact thing.
She was special. She was amazing.
I miss her.
I remember the nights we spent together talking about Jared, doing the Ouija board, driving a local nature reserve at night looking for a ghost of a girl who was killed after the civil war times, doing make up, dancing and listening to music, and after I had Aurora and came back, getting drunk a few times.
There's so much more. So much more.
I feel so overwhelmed thinking of how much I gained in knowing one person for such a short time. She's empowered me and made me feel like no one could ever hurt me again. When she told me everything would be okay, I believed her because I knew it would be no matter what.
Now that she's gone, it's hard. My best friend is gone. I remember so much of what she taught me and yet, I can't keep true to it. I can't keep my confidence up. I can't walk without thinking someone can hurt me like I've already been hurt.
She was my magic. I honestly believe she was my angel.
So now where do I go from here?
I feel selfish sometimes when I wish her mom would have had some of her ashes put in a keyring for me. I feel horribly selfish and invasive.
I'm bawling. I'm vulnerable. I'm going to stop typing and try to clean some more or something until Aurora goes to bed, which will be in a little while.
05:53 Feb 07 2012
Times Read: 992
The hard decision has been made. I'm disbanding.
"Hello. I'm disbanding my coven. In doing so, I'm spreading the favor out between the seven houses and the Coven of Existere. =) I hope you guys enjoy the gift and use it as you see fit. -Tiffany"
Each house and Moonie's Coven got 8390 favor. The last house got 8398. Sorry guys, it built up while sending out!
Coven Favor: 0.12300000000141
Wow. I can't believe I did it but feel better knowing I am. I've transferred members that I could.
Everyone else is inactive with life issues. Babies born. Moves. Situations. I miss them loads but yeah. I know life happens and they knew way back when I was thinking of disbanding if we couldn't pull together. =) No hard feelings on my end.
I'm going to free roam for a bit and then surf around societies that will have me. =) I think I would enjoy that.
I'll be writing a short thing when I officially disband or later this week.
The Coven of the Darkened Forest meant a lot to me since I created it right before having my daughter. =)
06:33 Feb 05 2012
Times Read: 1,002
O_O
Great to know I'm up by Michigan right now!
Wow. What the fuck, ip address?
Heh, it has an excuse on me though.
Haha! My access numbers! I'll be jumping all around a couple of states. =D
I'm just that dang awesome! Oh yeah!
08:36 Feb 04 2012
Times Read: 1,012
So I'm starting to think I should have went to the emergency room this evening. My mom took Aurora because I'm so sick at the moment. I'm having major problems breathing. I called my lung doctor today. They didn't say for me to go in so I didn't. But I know using my rescue inhaler 2-4 times a day is too much. Drastically too much.
I feel like shit. I'm scared of getting sick since that time they gave me three breathing treatments and told me if it didn't bring my O2 stat up enough, they would admit me.
This sucks. It is the first time I've been really sick since my lung doctor got my asthma under control. I got the damn flu shot not too long ago. My last appointment to be more specific.
When it first started though, on Sunday/Monday, I had sneezing, watering eyes, running nose, and itchy throat right after coming in from being outside with Aurora. Brett had just started cutting wood again since we needed to get a new chainsaw. I thought it was allergies. Perfect assumption. I was taking allergy pills around the clock to be able to breathe. It was ridiculous. Then the dry, ever so dry coughing began.
Tuesday morning, I sneezed over 30 times in a row. I had a little blood coming out of my nose from where I blew a blood vessel or something. The next day, I bled some in the back of my throat. Yuck! It's all sore and itchy still.
I don't feel as bad as yesterday. I haven't puked as much. I haven't been in the bathroom as much from either end. I guess that's the polite way to put it.
I hate being sick. I hate being this sick. I can't even sleep. I puked up my medications. I'm debating about taking some Melatonin but if I have to get to the bathroom quickly... it might prevent that from happening.
At least I'm not worrying about Aurora tonight. Thank heavens.
I keep falling asleep at random times. It's weird. But I'm exhausted and my body just wants to rest. I haven't been helping Brett outside since this started. I've been on the computer, watching television, trying to clean some, and sleeping when I can.
I'm going to keep at my UniFaction, keep trying to get on my browser game and FB (it won't load), and go to bed in a bit.
I can beat this.
I have allergy testing on Valentine's Day.
Happy Valentine's Day to me! ♥ LMAO!
But a week before, I can't take any cold, allergy, congestion, etc medications. I was taken off my one migraine medication that doubled as a depression medication. I hate the timing but I'm trying to make the most of it.
It feels like I'm being slammed with thoughts of that February and not really the good ones.
I can here myself still hysterically sobbing into the phone to my mother while Aurora slept when I found out:
Court's dead.
Courtney died.
She's dead.
Dead. Gone. Died.
She died.
I couldn't quit repeating it. My mom would have slapped me as hard as she could if she was there. I know it. They wanted to come get me so I didn't do anything stupid. I wouldn't do anything stupid with my daughter there. I won't. But Brett wasn't going to be much longer until he was home. They agreed to leave me be since I was trying to contact someone to find out if she really was dead and the details.
I just wanted my dad to hug me at that point and tell me it was okay to cry. It wouldn't do a damn bit of good but I could still cry.
That's what I've been wanting these past few nights. My daddy.
There's no hope of me getting on antidepressants until after the allergy testing. =( I have to wing it to find out if my cats are causing me problems. If they are, I can possibly get shots until Spring when I can introduce them outside but I'm pretty worried about that too. Shadow needs fixed though. If I could stay on shots for the rest of their lives, I would. I only have the two cats. Mama is older... and Shadow is a decent age. Neither of them are young kitties but I won't know anything until I get this test done.
It could be our rats and that's not part of this test.
I would have to see someone else. Ugh!
Later. I'm heading off of this site, or surfing it. One of the two. I didn't plan on typing this much or anything. Its just bottled up a lot.
21:22 Feb 03 2012
Times Read: 1,047
Maybe Cancer should edit the TOS in his own kind of style before the legal terms of the site. I LOVE the way the site I joined is laid out. People on there are so laid back and nice to each other. There are charities for getting clothes for newbies... and to help older members. A person I hadn't talked to offered me a welcome present as long as it was under 10,000 auro. Aurora and I got Pixie Wings. It's linked to other sites that go to this main one. It's so much of a change from VR! A positive change from this site! A good change from the situation here!
Read UniFaction TOS here.
Like I said, it's really positive there and people don't want any crap. They go there to ENJOY themselves. It's awesome! ♥
If you do try it out, let me know your name. I'll send you to the best charity thread for a newb. =) That way, your avatar isn't fully naked anymore. LMAO!
20:33 Feb 03 2012
Times Read: 1,056
I was reading journals and Oceanne's caught my eye about Toddlers and Tiaras. Aurora loves watching this show. She'll stay up later to watch it as long as we have no where to go in the morning. Or I'll watch for when it comes on where it repeats.
She's four years old. She adores the show. Along with Dance Moms with Abby Lee Miller. She likes calling them princesses.
But when something inappropriate comes on, I switch it to Nick Jr. or we work on other things with her facing away from the television and it on mute.
She likes her makeup with mommy's so it's not light with that cheap stuff that comes in kid's kits. That stuff is horrible. O_O And it comes off in five minutes of her playing around her room with Barbies.
She does have a tendency to get in my drawer, get my bra (44DD), hold it to her chest, and jump around on our queen size bed. She does have a couple of small bras that my mom and I bought her from the little girls section.
She doesn't see my leather corset. She doesn't see mature movies. I won't watch Law & Order, CSI, or anything like that with her awake.
Now she did wake up during Nightmare on Elm Street. I explained it to her. She has seen a snippet of Jaws where the shark ate a person because she threw a fit since she wanted to see the shark. She's also seen a tiny bit of Lake Placid for the same reason.
But Papa has a gun. Papa will kill any huge crocodiles or sharks that try to get her. Mommy knows how to use one too.
It's all on the parents. Television can be a great thing. It can be horrid though.
Me? I watched war movies growing up, even when I was three and four years old. I watched them with my dad who was a Vietnam veteran. I have no problems letting my daughter watch one if she wants to. I wanted to and so my dad let me do so.
Oh, Aurora wants to do pageants and be like a princess. If I can teach her to sit still for a longer amount of time and listen better to instructions... I plan on entering her in a couple. =)
03:58 Feb 03 2012
Times Read: 1,086
If you want to judge, Ceras, go ahead. I'm a big girl. I'm pretty sure I can take it. I took 36 honor from you because it honestly pisses me off that I've lost four people that I loved very deeply to cancer. Other than my Grandma, the others' chose to fight it and tried chemo, radiation, and surgeries to reduce the size of it.
I didn't slam you. I could have. I still have two honors to give. They're going to a friend of mine. I don't care to waste all my honor on someone who pretended to go through cancer treatment and die but other than that I don't know a damn thing about you. However, pretending to suffer through something I saw four people slowly die of... that's just completely wrong, of anyone.
I didn't leave my name for the simple fact, I didn't care for drama of any comments back or anything else after a night of crying. Simple.
Just a word ahead of time, you may see my name and the name of my friend appearing on the 7th.
But I'm not being nasty. I didn't leave some hurtful comment. I left nothing but the 36 taken. That's all. There's my explanation and this is the bit you can judge.
Always Whisper Your Screams by TPT (The Peeping Toms)
14:41 Feb 02 2012
Times Read: 1,091
Something's gone wrong, why are they yelling?
They used to get along.
Maybe they were pretending all along.
It's all my fault.
Why do I think that?
I know it's not true!
I feel crushed inside, my heart is burning
You always cry, and it's hurting me.
I can't hide from all the screaming, it didn't have to end like this.
I pray to God, please get us through this.
Help me stay strong, I'm falling apart.
Well I'm losing hope, I see things too different.
If they can't handle, then why make commitments?
I feel crushed inside, my heart is burning
You always cry, and it's hurting me.
I can't hide from all the screaming, it didn't have to end.
Can you hear me now?
Whisper a little bit loud.
Someone might hear us,
We're not allowed to let them hear us like this.
Don't break the silence down!
Ears to the wall, listening to conversations through the vent,
Why are they yelling?
They're no longer trying to keep the silence,
The silence was beautiful!
Something's gone wrong, why are they yelling?
They used to get along.
Maybe they were pretending all along.
It's all my fault.
Why do I think that?
I know it's not true!
I feel crushed inside, my heart is burning
You always cry, and it's hurting me.
I can't hide from all the screaming, it didn't have to end.
Can you hear me now?
Whisper a little bit loud.
Someone might hear us,
We're not allowed to let them hear us like this.
Don't break the silence down!
Ears to the wall, listening to conversations through the vent,
Why are they yelling?
They're no longer trying to keep the silence,
The silence was beautiful!
Beautiful!
______________________________
My parents didn't really fight all that much while I was growing up. I was always lucky on that draw of the straws, I guess. But when they got into arguments, I almost always heard every word. Every. Word.
It was mostly about my sister. But I believed it was about me.
Heh, while growing up, my sister made me actually believe that I was adopted when it was the other way around in reality. O_O It always made me wonder if she was jealous after I found out.
But I didn't know anything of this reality until after the damage was done. Until after I condemned myself for my parents problems, my sister's attitude towards me while growing up, among a lot of other things. A train wreck of things.
This song makes me think of one thing and one main thing alone:
"Don't worry, Mommy, I won't tell all the family's dirty secrets for all to hear. It would be too much for you to bear."
From about age 10, family members opened up to me like clockwork about stuff.
What the fuck is wrong with people?
Telling a ten year old about affairs and lies to their spouse? Asking them to lie?
Heh.. the other one calling the house and just asking if they can talk to ***.
"No, she's, um, unavailable."
"Ah, she's up at *****'s place again. She'll make sure to take a shower before I get home from work to get his stank off her."
"No comment, Uncle ****."
This happened with other members too. I won't cover up other people's fuck ups.
The one family friend that didn't see me as anything more than a friend, I had fantasies about. I won't deny that. He was over twice my age too.
After some of the incidents of abuse, I would go to my Grandmother's because I would know he was there. I would cuddle up to that man and hold on for dear life.
Back when he died, my knight in shining armor did die. I hadn't meant for anyone to think it was Brett back then but damn it, no one can take that special place.
Osman was special to me. We joked about dating. We went to eat a few times but never as a date. We slept on couches together. Heh, Tommy got jealous when I was dating him and I slept on the couch with Osman because I was missing him and Osman knew it was hard on me.
I can't believe how much I haven't dealt with any of these deaths.
How could I?
I never got over my dad dying.
Then I lost my Uncle Jeff who was like a second father to me on July 13, 2008.
Little did I know what was to come... About a year after, everyone seemed to follow.
Grandma August 21, 2009
Osman November 6, 2009
Courtney February 7, 2010
Those three deaths were about eight months apart. I was coping with my Grandma's pretty well and things... then Osman... I started trying to cope with both of them since I needed to get it out instead of bottling it up... then Courtney happened.
They all died of cancer. All four of them. An aggressive type of cancer in their lungs. Osman and Courtney were not smokers.
My Mom is wondering why my asthma is acting up lately. I'm probably getting sick. Horribly sick if I am. I'm depressed.
What does she tell me? "You need to get over it. Would you want her back here suffering like your dad was?"
Way to make me feel SO MUCH better! NOT!
It makes me feel guilty for not being able to cope over the death of my BEST friend. She's one the few people I've bonded with the most in my whole life. How can I just get over that, Mom? Just getting over it, like you did dad, isn't healthy! Remember you had to get on depression medications for how you coped by bottling it up.
I can't keep it in anymore. I love my Grandmama. I accepted her death the most before it even happened. She talked to me about it even though she hated the topic.
I can accept Osman but damn it, I'm going to detest it because he was a good man even though he fucked up a lot. Hell, he almost punched me once when he was drinking when I went there before going to the graveyard because Tommy broke my heart by cheating! He was there for me no matter what. He knew about the sexual abuse and he didn't judge me for it even though he knew the person who did it too. He didn't look at me differently. I would have probably dated that man if he wouldn't have been with April and messed around with Anna. I don't share with family. Plain and simple! I loved him and still do. He saved me in many ways.
And Courtney... I went through a lot with her. A ton. She stood there with me when everyone turned their backs on me. She was there when dad died... when I had the suicide plan and went in the psychiatric ward for turning myself in for that and self harm because of Billy killing himself. Her, Amanda and Jared are people that knew details about my past that you can't even imagine. The only people that know more are my therapists, Frankie, and Brett. Not many, huh? Her and I shared everything until I moved to Nashville. When I had Aurora, things did change but we always knew more than anyone else on what was on the others' mind. We supported each other in ways most people can't. I remember how much you hated it when you found out I was Courtney's first kiss. I told you about the night of drunk fun of sucking her toes too.
I'm just supposed to get over it? Heal and cope like it's nothing? How the fuck do I do that when I haven't dealt with dad since you never got me REAL grief help back then? I asked for it and got a little when I came out wanting to KILL myself. Did I have to feel that extreme? Hell, I became home schooled for three months because I couldn't handle it.
Courtney and I would have dated and I'm sure it would have lasted if it wasn't for my past. I'm terrified to get anyone mixed up in it. Brett called me stupid a couple of times because I wouldn't, just wouldn't face my fears and confront the past. I couldn't hurt her.
I have a lot of shit I've been carrying around since her death... bottled up. It doesn't help that I found out through MySpace but at least I did find out and could go to her memorial service. I'm grateful for that chance. Mom, you have no clue what's on my mind. Don't pretend like you know when you don't. You only have "ideas" and sometimes when you try to voice those to make me feel better, you make me feel 10x worse.
I need to stop writing. I need to stop crying. Wash my face. Listen to some music. Calm down.
Aurora's slept late this morning. I barely slept at all. Today is going to be interesting in how I get by. I can't stop sneezing and coughing. It's driving me crazy. That's why I couldn't sleep... why I was thinking so much. Why this entry came to be.
04:09 Feb 02 2012
Times Read: 1,095
"all over a dog and a couch lol just make him chicken nuggs- and fries, and ask him while hes eating and ur givin him head, he'll agree to anything then lmao!"
This make me chuckle.
^.^
Of course, Brett thinks its just wrong. Haha!
Wow. Things I read when reading the comments posted on some of my friends' FaceBook statuses.
0_0
Nutty. And not the liquid kind of nut either. Yuck!
21:14 Feb 01 2012
Times Read: 1,097
I find it odd. Every person I've had feelings for, I can remember all of the details of... dates that were important, special moments, etc. But with this one person, it's like my mind is trying to erase them. I was trying to remember something the other day and I couldn't. That's when I realized I couldn't remember a lot of "important" dates. I couldn't even really the months or the seasons correctly.
I'm sure if I really, really wanted to do so, I could find some way to figure all of this out since I can't talk to the person anymore.
But in reality, who am I fooling? It's for the best and I know it.
____________________________
Oh another note, I ran into a person I should hate yesterday. I went to get Brett's medication by myself. (Yes, I go places by myself off and on now.) I went up to the window to wait behind the man who was there before me. I didn't notice who it was before I had gotten out of my car or went up or I would have went in the store to get them since I had to go in there anyway.
I knew in the instant that he turned around who he was. It was D. He said hello to me with a smirk on his face. I turned almost crying and went back to my car.
I watched him from my car. He was sitting in his truck on his phone or something. I couldn't tell but I wasn't going to chance going in the store and running into him. I waited until he left and it seemed like forever.
What did I do in that time? Those ten minutes that just wouldn't go by for me.
I did my makeup, listened to music and tried to keep my thoughts on how much I've dealt with what happened with him and the rest of the things that are in the past now.
I refuse to let someone else take me back any steps that I've made. I'm sure it'll happen but I'll sure as hell fight it.
His voice is so different now.
He looks the same as he has.
____________________________
Maybe my gut instinct is right that I should talk to Brett about moving back out of the valley...
I don't want to do that though. I want to be here.
I want to live near the people I love and I'm sure of that.
I'm also sure of the fact I don't want to try to run from my past again. I want to heal from it. I want to confront it.
I may have to deal with interactions such as the one I had yesterday that I am not ready for and do not want... but I am capable of making that decision. It should be my decision to make.
It is my decision to make.
Plus I want my daughter knowing my mom and stepdad as she grows up for as long as we're alright with living here. She absolutely adores them. And she is the only grandchild they have around to spoil. She's special to them and they're special to her.
____________________________
My asthma is acting up. I had a few asthma attacks. Two last night and one this morning.
I don't know if they're stress related, if I'm coming down with something, or if it's something else.
I keep coughing with a dry, wheezy type cough. It hurts. I'm starting to bring up mucus though which I did when my asthma got really bad.
02:18 Feb 01 2012
Times Read: 867
If someone other than me ever has to do Aurora's make up, they will get answers of what she wants.
She's particular in her tastes.
She loves mommy's makeup instead of the kits meant for little girls.
We have a process now.
She hasn't been hitting me or being mean nearly as much. Why?
If she behaves the day before, she gets her makeup done after breakfast, washed up, and her hair done.
She absolutely loves makeup!
She loves looking at the different kinds in the store.
She's now becoming patient enough to let me put two coats of nail polish on her finger nails with little hassle.
She's my Pretty, Pretty Princess.
My Princess Aurora.
♥
But yeah, she'll tell you what she wants. =P She'll want to be bright and happy one day and darker but still happy the next.
I need to get my camera fixed so I can start taking pictures. This sucks. It's been down since about Halloween. It's being all weird on me.
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