04:43 Jan 14 2026
Times Read: 14
“This world was not built for me, and I wasn’t built for this world. I wasn’t one of the fortunate ones born into a soft life. I was born to endure hardships, disappointments, and still keep fighting. Even through all of that, you can remain naïve, even at 45. When that naivety is lost, it feels like the last bit of innocence goes with it. It’s a profound kind of grief.”
No matter how many times I read these words I wrote, it still stings, because it’s a truth I’ve been forced to face on my journey. One of many.
Even with that small piece of innocence gone, I still hold onto hope. Hope that one day my life will soften and the edges will dull a little.
When that hope comes into being, I’ll know I played a major role in shaping it. I stopped giving my love so freely to everyone else and turned it inward. I began the journey of learning how to love myself. It is something I’m not sure I ever truly did. I liked myself, mostly, but love was a different story.
That naïve girl believed she needed validation from others, that somehow it would transform into self-love. It doesn’t. All it does is take a mental toll.
You can’t heal others until you heal yourself, and even then, healing others is never guaranteed. It requires looking in the mirror and facing the parts of yourself you hate, hide, or bury out of shame. It means setting aside ego, self-righteousness, and hubris, and laying your flaws out for you to see. Healing takes action. You can’t love others hoping they’ll give that love back and call it growth.
So I stopped doing that. I started learning how to love me.
I began by working on how I handle situations and how I react. I hold myself accountable when I’m wrong. I forgive myself and learn from my mistakes. We are our harshest critics, and replaying failures on a loop doesn’t help us grow. It keeps us stuck, endlessly punishing ourselves.
I’ve also been strengthening my body alongside my mind. I started physical therapy at the beginning of December. What began as a step toward progressing in a job program has become a lifestyle change. I started resistance training. I work out for an hour or more every day. It gives me clarity and a deep sense of peace.
I move on to the next step in the program Friday. It is a placement that will help do the legwork in finding a job that fits my needs. After that, I’ll face some medical things I’ve been avoiding out of denial. If things go well and I find stability, I plan to get my license back and look into driving again.
I don’t know what this new year holds, but I know I’m entering it with a different mindset and a more evolved version of myself. I still have scars and wounds, but every day they’re healing, just like me.
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