02:12 Sep 03 2026
Times Read: 8
I can honestly say that after these past 3 and a half years, nature has nurtured me in a way that has left me closed, flat. When backs begin to turn on you enough times, the ability to brush it off atrophies.
I am tired. After 3 years of watching people exit, dodge, half show up, rewrite things, and even disappear, I am beyond worn down. I am worn down to the point where I can't even bother to be jaded, cynical, or bitter. It requires an investment of energy I just don't have.
Disappointment has become the flavor of each day that comes and goes. Whether it be with people, being open, or even the mundane things in everyday life. When you keep serving up a dish of the best parts of yourself to others, only to be the recipient of repetitive, mediocre meals, you learn to expect nothing more.
Just because you've learned the lesson of expectation doesn't mean you have to lean into it, and I won't. What it does mean for me, at least now and maybe for the unforeseeable future, is that some form of shutdown is inevitable. A shutdown of possibly building the walls higher, strengthening them, or even withdrawing.
I will keep my routines, my days, and my nights, but beyond these walls, it will be what it will be.
My arms have grown weary after holding them out for so long. I cherish those who have taken hold, but after seeing so many backs walk into the distance and so many offers brushed aside, I'm worn.
Congratulations. Those things have given me something I never thought I'd see—an erosion of some of the things that made me, well, me.
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