I think I am ready to speak...bare with me please...01:43 Feb 14 2018
Times Read: 561
It makes sense but then it doesn't...
No matter what your specialty is (police, social worker, counselor, priest, ect.) You will see shit and you are fully aware of so many things...but still, it doesn't matter how aware you are. It doesn't matter how educated you are....you fail to see certain things in your own home, your safe zone...you are not looking for shit there...you don't expect it to happen so close to your heart....
In the end he said to me "You are college educated but so stupid. Your life is psychology, but you ignored the signs. You got what you got because you are stupid. You only have yourself to blame. You saw the signs and yet you still stayed and took all that I threw at you."
So this story truly begins in 2011 when I first met him. I was a year out from my first divorce. That first marriage was abusive so you can imagine my state. Fragile. Vulnerable. Free. Slowly getting myself back, my strength back. I was fooled. I see that now. I should have stayed away. It started out as friends with benefits. But there were signs of control and something else I couldn't name then. On and off again...I was ok with it because we said "no strings". Yet the control thing lingered as he would show up where ever I would be. Stalking really. But he made it seem like a good thing - that he was that interested in me...in what I was about. He was not my type by far. He did not have the body type I usually went for. He was a little bit of a bad boy. So why did I stay? Why did I always go back when he called? I will tell you why.
My son has a rare medical condition. All his life he was in and out of hospitals. I stayed by my son's side every time - never left. I was alone. Being strong for my son. We survived 3 flatlines. Yes, my son died on me 3 times before the age of 8. Still, I was there with him alone - his biological father never stepped foot in the hospital and couldn't tell you about anything concerning our son's health. Now back to 2011. My son took ill once again. Mind you, I was even more alone because after the divorce my son and I moved to Texas where we had no one at all. But of all the people I was beginning to connect with in Texas, there was only one person that RAN 5 miles to the hospital to check on my son and offer to stay by his side so I could go home shower and rest. It was that moment I thought I was loved and I thought I could love another. I thought I would never have to be alone again.
Now keep in mind that even though we had our own issues, we always had the issues of our roommates too. I was never sure why he always wanted one of his friends to live with us. At first I didn't mind cause we were helping them out. But it became an issue when he started putting those friends first...before himself...before our kids..before me, his wife. I would listen to him complain about his friends taking up his time. I would advocate for him to say no to his friends and get in some self time. But he would yell "you are just jealous that I have friends" Then call me names. Until one night he choked me and hit me over his friend pissing him off.
It was then I detached emotionally. Took me a while to get up the nerve to ask for divorce. When I did he was cool at first. He said I could date or do whatever. I started talking to a guy here on VR. He knew of my situation and understood. Well, then my estranged husband say that I was happy, got mad, went through my computer and saw that I sent a few pics to my VR man. He flipped out. I was basically hostage in my own home. I feared if I didn't do as he said, he could hurt my kids. He was in middle of full blown psychotic break....beaten and so much more...things I cannot begin to speak of ....waking up to being choked and words of his desire to kill me...then he snapped out of it and attempted to hang himself.
I managed to get him to admit himself to a psych ward. Still, yelling calling me names and so on...then he would say things like he loved me and I could never leave him.
Once he was out of the hospital, he came back home - lived in the garage. I am not sure why I agreed to work on our marriage. But it was during this time he had an affair with a man. Then conned me into letting his friend and his friend's girl move in. He then had an affair with his friend's girl. All the while telling the world I was the cheater and the abuser.
Then he and his mistress move out - they are homeless. Then he comes back for the holiday break. That was more torture. Not just on me but our kids. He threatened my now 16 year old son. I called the cops. They took him for a weed charge - I was denied restraining order. Now even though he is gone...I have nightmares. PTSD and maybe even depression symptoms. My son is having issues now. My daughter has nightmares about her daddy killing me....
I have separated myself from a lot of people that I feel I cannot trust.
Thank you Faye, Robert, RYU, and a few others who have been here through this all and giving me the unconditional support.
Well that is the jest of what has had me distracted from VR.
COMMENTS
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mortuusXCordis
12:31 Feb 23 2018
you are most welcome